Ooooooooooh-re-GAH-no…where the wind comes sweeping down the plain…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, January 8^st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Vinnie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Harmony, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Oregon.  Where the oregano comes from. (That joke (if We may call it that) only works if you pronounce “oregano” as Glenda Jackson does in A Touch Of Class, i.e. as “ore-eh-GAH-no” rather than “ore-RAY-guh-no”. (Please note that, by “works”, We mean “isn’t the least bit funny, but at least you might not think We’ve completely lost what passes for Our mind”.  (The best jokes are, of course, the ones that have to be explained.)))

Here at Casa du Curmudgeon, We are feeling a little better today. Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern and get-well wishes.  Of course, having been left completely to Our Own devices since New Year’s Eve, We have had plenty of time to contemplate the absence of concern and well-wishes as well, and, in fact, an instance or two in which We seem to have been made use of while it was convenient, then cast aside like an old shoe once Our usefulness had been outlived.

Sigh.

Perhaps, someday, We shall learn.

But probably not.

We shall be off into the cold later today to do the murder mystery.  Speaking of the cold, We have here the definitive “it’s cold outside” video, which trumps all of your “throwing boiling water into the air” videos, in which a very cute boy pees outside in Minnesota.  It is Safe For Work, because (A.) you see the pee, but you do not (unfortunately) see the thing he pees with, and (2.) EVERYTHING that happens in Minnesota is Safe For Work.  Which is one of the reasons We don’t live in Minnesota…

In other news, mark your calendars for this Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

(Hmmm…it occurs to Us that, much like Cute Boi Peeing Outside In Minnesota’s penis, One doesn’t so much see Justin Bieber’s penis in that video neither.  No wonder We haven’t gone viral…)

And now, the HorrorScope…

Every Tom’s Dick Is Hairy with a horoscope/birthday blog will be telling you that it is Elvis Presley’s birthday.  But who else will inform you that Larry Storch of F Troop fame is still alive?

Stay active as much as you can — otherwise, you may not be sure that you’re still alive!  (Wait…could We have died, and no one told Us?  Could be…who would tell Us?)

Your energy should lift your mood, (‘Cause he’s a mood operator…(That’ how it sounds when Sade goes full ‘tard.  (This is why you NEVER go full ‘tard.)))

but if you’ve got to spin your wheels much longer, it just can’t last.  (But Our mood got lifted and EVERYTHING…)

 Your family members have a big surprise in store for you — a very big surprise. (Why does that sound like a threat?)

Does that mean you should worry about what’s coming or head for the hills? Certainly not. (We should say not…it is no doubt even colder in The Hills.)

Really, your only option is to hold on tight and ride the ride — which may actually be rather fun. (Define “fun”.)

Oh, and when this all goes down, pretend to be surprised.  (We would be beyond surprised if anyone went down in Our presence.)

Your enthusiasm about dating does a lot of good for your overall romantic outlook. (We don’t see how….We’re enthusiastic about winning PowerBall™ too, and where’s that gotten Us?)

You need some serious positive thinking (We’re positive everything will turn out for the worst…howzzat?)

— especially if you’ve had your heart broken in the last year or so. (Wait…We have a heart?)

If you expect the best, it’s likelier to come to pass.  (And it shall come to pass, like gas out your ass…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirdThristyThursday, September 26^nd, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Scott, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.   Also too also, Happy Birthday to Noah, who also too also turns twenty-four today. In Wilmington.  Dela-Where. (We say that, of course, to distinguish it from Wilmington.  North Carolina.  And swimming pools.  Movie stars.)

Lest you imagine that We’re finally going to shut up about the Fringe, there is now an article flying about the WorldWideInterWebNetz that purports to identify “The best of the 2013 Philly Fringe”.  We shan’t dignify it by linking to it.  It is written, interestingly, by the critic who had press passes for the WaitStaff’s show the night We did box office for them, and didn’t show up to review the show, i.e., DO HIS JOB. (If you’ve ever been made redundant from a job you were ACTUALLY DOING, you will understand how much this pisses Us off.)

In his first paragraph, this paragon of journalistic integrity admits that it is impossible to discern the best of the Fringe, because no one person can see the whole thing. He then turns loose a bunch of his friends, all of whom, as near as We can tell, were actual participants in the 2013 Fringe, to inform the rest of Us ignorant great unwashed as to what best bestestes that ever bested We were such Philistines as to have missed.

Oddly enough, everything “best” that happened in the 2013 Fringe apparently happened in either the only six shows these cognoscenti deigned to see, or else in shows in which they actually participated.

It is thus made clear that the rest of Us should just never even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

Puke.

In more cheerful WorldWideInterWebNetzian meme news, there is a video going around that demonstrates that showing gratitude makes people happy.  (We WOULD link to this one, but We can’t seem to unearth it at the moment.)  We Our Own Self Personally would be extremely grateful if the narrator of said video would drop by OurHouseWhereWeLive, wearing nothing but his white lab coat, and make Us Very Happy.  KThxBye.

In still other news, We have an email from the Theatre Alliance telling Us that “A Clown Teacher Needs Housing”.  Why wouldn’t he just stay in his car?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Speaking of swimming pools, movie stars, Donna Douglass (Ellie Mae Clampett) is eighty today.  Put THAT in your Daisy Dukes and smoke it.  (Speaking of Daisy Duke, she (Catherine Bach) is currently on The Young and the Rest of Us, and looks like crap. )

You need to clarify a few things in your own mind before you can feel comfortable speaking out.  (Have you met Us?  We are an Aries; speak out now, clarify butter.)

It’s a good time to think through the issues and see what’s most important to you.  (Oddly, that doesn’t sound like a good time to Us.)

 

 Keeping things on a lighter note now paves the way to smooth communication. (Does smooth communication require a smooth operator?  Inquiring minds want to know…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Sade.)

 Of course, if you want to address some heavy stuff, that’s your prerogative. (Was that a fat joke?)

Before you get into it, though, make sure you have what you want to say crystal-clear in your head (This is a job for Crystal Meth!)

— thinking it through one extra time wouldn’t hurt. (Then it wouldn’t really be “extra” now, would it?)

And while you think your position is the only viable one, (Which, of course, it IS.)

don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

if you get an argument about it.  (No, you didn’t.)

Impressing people isn’t easy, (It is, however, easier than getting them to show up so you have the opportunity of impressing them.)

 but today you’ve got at least a few people hanging on your every word.  (Are they well hung?)

Your insights inspire those who need it, (Don’t they, though?)

which makes you one hot property!  (Mmm-hmm.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Baby, put your pom poms down for me

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, April Tenf, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Gary, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Hanh, who, according to her SitOnMyFaceBook, turns EIGHTY-four today.  We don’t know about you, but, being the mature twenty-four-year-old that WE are, We don’t hold with all this “lying about One’s age” business.  For shame.

For shame, Foreshadowing, Florsheim™…nope; We got nothin’.

Meanwhile, nice weather We’re having, eh?  Although today is likely to be the last day of 80s for a while. (We are talking about the weather.  Could Our dearth of material be any plainer?  We are living in a no-material world, and We are a no-material old lady.)

This weekend, We shall once again be participating in murder for fun and profit.  Well, profit, at any rate.  Now that We have wrapped Our head around Our new station in life, We are willing to entertain the notion of being witnessed doing same. ( For all of all y’all who have been clamoring to see Us. ) We are apparently able to obtain discounted tickets.  Because We’re connected like that.  So We are seeing, for example, a Friday night Coven outing in the near future.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), a science question:  do crickets clamor?  Or is cricketing the opposite of clamoring?  (Also, are cricket players hot?  Or is that just rugby players? (WHOA!  Cricket players: NOT HOT. Try this simple experiment:  Google “cricket players” on Wikipedia, then hit the Images tab.  Now do the same for “rugby players”.  Vive la difference, no?)))

Speaking of sweaty men in jockstraps, here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to actor Michael Pitt, for whom We have always had a soft spot in Our heart (and a damp spot in Our panties).

You can’t help but take action today (We know…We’re cooking dinner.  Remember the other day, when We made meatballs like an old Italian Nonna and stuck them in the freezer for just such an occasion?  Except who the hell wants spaghetti and meatballs when it’s eighty-four degrees outside?  All of which is to say, it’s too hot for Our balls.)

— it’s in your blood!  (It’s a good thing this Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) job doesn’t come with random drug testing.  “In Our blood”, indeed.)

You may find that people look twice when you walk in the room, (Was that a fat joke?)

as you carry yourself with conviction and practically cry out to be followed.  (Oh.  So you’re saying We’re desperate.)

Today will be all about feeding your brain, (We don’t know about you, but after that bit, Our mind went directly to Little Shop of Horrors.)

(Feed me, Seymour…feed me all night long…)

(Now Our mind has gone directly to Little Shop of Porno.  Starring Michael Pitt and Some Rugby Team.  ROWRRRR….)

and you should waste no time exploring topics and people you don’t know very well. (Is “exploring” really a verb that One applies to people?  We think not.  It sounds most intrusive.)

If a conversation drifts toward foreign ideas (Pâté de foie gras, iambic pentameter, the metric system?)

…or weird sports, (There’s nothing weird about rugby.  Scrum, scrum, scrum.)

try to keep up with it. (It’s like that old saying, “keeping up with the Jonas Brothers”.  (Which can’t, after all, be a very old saying, as We have just ascertained that the very oldest Jonas Brother is only twenty-five.  (While We are ashamed to admit that We know the names of the three Jonas Brothers, and can differentiate them in pictures, We still cannot name a single Jonas Brothers song.  (Although We occasionally picture them playing rugby with Michael Pitt.)))

(That?  Is called a throughline.  Because We?  Are a Highly-Trained Professional.  Do NOT attempt this at home.)

Even if you’re not exactly sure what everyone else is talking about  (“Even if”?  Since when do We ever know what anyone is talking about?)

you still can offer some input  (Well, DUH!  Not knowing anything has certainly never prevented Us from talking before.)

— even if it’s just to say that you need them to explain things to you!  (Not to be too obscure, but We would like to put Sister Mary Ignatius joke in here.  Because, amongst other things, We suspect that Christopher Durang would appreciate being invited to “play rugby” with Michael Pitt and the Jonas brothers.)

The brain is a muscle, (The heart is a lonely hunter,  the penis is between Us, and freedom’s just another word for nothing left but shoes….what’s your point?)

and yours is capable of getting a body-builder’s physique.  (You betcha!  We’ve been mentally “playing rugby” this whole time.)

It’s time to snazz up your old dating profile. (Did Kelli actually just say “snazz”?  Seriously?)

Your creative energy is in full bloom for now, (Can We move it to Orlando Bloom?  (How many guys are on a rugby team, anyway?))

so dig in and show the hotties what you’ve got going on. (That may be the first thing you’ve said that’s made sense, Kelli.  Possibly ever.)

Don’t skimp on the self-promotion (Also, don’t skimp on the skrimps.)

— it can make a difference.  (What a difference Sade makes…)

(Sorry.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.