She’s got Edward Norton’s assz

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Toozdee,  May Twelfff, 2015.

We are, of course, in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above.  And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Taurus video:

Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends:

   https://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY 

https://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

And now, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  So, Happy Belated Birthday to Danny, Fernando, Gerard, Gregg, Israel, Keith, Mark, Matt, and Vince. 

(It occurs to Us that, when We’ve made such a list in the past, We’ve usually actually seen at least one or two of the birthday suits thereon.  This time?  Not so much.  One or more of all y’all oughta do something about that.)

In Our ongoing efforts at refraining from complaining, We shall now regale you with a few observations from recent cinematic/theatrical/artistic exploits…

We finally got around to watching Birdman (Bird Man? BirdMan? Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana…BIRDMAN!  BIRDMAN! BIRDMAN!  (Sorry.)), which clearly deserved its Best Pixture Oscar™.  Also, Michael Keaton wuz robbed.  What can We say about this pixture that hasn’t already been said?  What pithy artistic observation, unique to Our Own Personal world view?  Well, We would like all of the movers and shakers in HollyWeird to know that We would most definitely watch an entire fillum entitled Edward Norton’s Assz.

Speaking of fillums and body parts, We also recently watched Gone Girl, and were well into it (time-wise) before We recomembered that it contained the infamous Ben Affleck peen shot.  Which, natch, We slowed down and reviewed several times before deciding that the likelihood of actual peen versus CGI was about 50-50.

As far as the non-Ben-Affleck’s-peen parts of the fillum, We might have to read the book to figger out exactly what was supposed to be going on, but We probably won’t be able to be arsed.  Also, We don’t exactly want to say that Ben Affleck can’t act, but We will say that sometimes he forgets to.

Also, it is no secret to Our regular Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice) that We love Us some Neil Patrick Harris.  He was so miscast in this particular fillum, however, that his very existence just constantly seemed to scream out, “I’m Neil Patrick Harris!” 

(Bonus points if you heard that a la Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls screaming, “I’m Neely O’Hara!” (Also, insert I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!  joke here.))

Speaking of people We’re always happy to see nekkid (and, birthday-suit-gentlemen named above, We’re waiting), kudos to Daniel Radcliffe for cavorting in the altogether in some bit of fluff entitled What If, which would never have been made without him, as it consisted of approximately a third of an episode of The Gilmore Girls.  There was, of course, no Daniel Radcliffe peen, as he was only being paid a dollar forty-seven, but still, way to brighten up that beach scene.

Also, body parts aside (aka nipples to the wind and tits akimbo), if you are following along to the bitter end of Mad Men, the young man who played the con-boy in Jon Hamm’s motel is named Carter Jenkins, and you’ll be seeing a lot more of him, We predickt.  You’re welcome.

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now over TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news , Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that it is Jason Biggs’s birthday, which gives Us the opportunity to say, “Happy birthday, piefucker!”.  Apple pie for everybody!

And now, We realize it’s been a while, but here is call-and-response with everybody’s Second-Favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Kelli:

Today, don't feel an iota of guilt if you want to ignore the outside world.  (What about a scintilla of remorse?  Or a jot of shame?  Or a soupcon of  compunction?)

(Compunction, punction…what’s your function?)

(Sorry.)

Let your phone go to voice mail, (Unsupervised?!?)

and don't stress out about the contents of your email inbox. (Why not??? WHAT’S IN THERE THAT YOU’RE HIDING FROM US???)

You are important, but the folks in your daily life can get along without you for just one day.  (Oh, sure…first it’s a day, then a  week, the next thing you know, Our wedding dress is covered in mold and there are spiders nesting in Our hair…)

(We are so fucking litter-hairy, We scare Ourself.)

(All together now:  it’s a long way…to Litter-Hairy…a long way…to go…)

It's time to step back from constant interaction. (Why are We the only one singing?)

Do you really need to have your phone turned on all day?  (Do you really need to ask rhetorical questions?)

Make yourself incommunicado for at least a couple of hours. (How ‘bout commando instead?)

 You'll feel amazingly free.  (See?  Commando works.)

Your dreams are on your mind today.  (Which is good. Because if they were on Our duodenum, digestion would be difficult.)

They've been so vivid and weird lately, and you can't help but wonder if your subconscious is trying to tell you something.  (Lettuce just get out Our subconscious Ouija board…)

Expect to spend the day lost in your head. (Ya know what We expect?  Birthday suit pix from the nine gentlemen named above.  STAT.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Love is a battlefield

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February Fourteenf, Twenny Fourteen.

Happy VD to all of Our VD-infested Gentle Readers.  Ever the source of positivity and moral support, the WorldWideInterWebNetz provided Us with this cheerful thought this morning:

Adolph Hitler?  Had a significant other.  So, if you do not have a significant other, you are less popular than Hitler.

We felt compelled to pass it on.  You’re welcome.

Speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We generally attempt to refrain from having battles of wits with the unarmed thereon.   Yesterday, however, Our refraining efforts failed Us.  We won’t bother rehashing the entire story here, but if you tiptoe through HimSelf’s SitOnMyFacebook page, you will see what We mean.  And don’t neglect to take a side trip to one of Our Greater Bostonia event pages, where you will learn that Our opponent of limited brain capacity thinks that We “look like” (GASP!) a drag queen! (You will also learn that the correct grammatical rule for punctuational emphasis is to employ five…count ‘em, FIVE…exclamation points.)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile,  to Bobby, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Marcalee, who also turns twenty-four today, in, it would seem, Alabama or some such.

Happy Belated Birthday, in other news, to Frannie and to Ken, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were otherwise engaged.  Romper stomper bomper doo.  (If you understand what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Who the hell would get engaged to that demented old crone?”, then clearly you have at least been paying attention. (Extra credit if you just said, “Sorry…what did you say?”)))

What We were engaged IN, in addition to mundane tasks such as snow shoveling and laundry, was making Snow Day Gravy, like an old Italian nonna, which We then shared with Our friend with the Really Big Wrench and the Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life.  (Despite these poetic appellations, We somehow managed to remain unengaged by the end of the evening.  (Less popular than Hitler…despite Our amazing gravy.  Sigh.))

What We DID find Ourself engaged in was watching Captain Phillips, about which We knew literally nothing, except that it starred Tom Hanks and some heretofore unknown black folks.  We highly recommend it, although, like most of the Oscar™-contender fillums We have watched recently, it would be improved by being trimmed by a good half hour.

Moving on,  here is what We now want you to do:

Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!

On Friday, February 28^th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:

http://www.clubcafe.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1402244933363959/

On Monday, March 3^rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:

http://www.gooutloud.com/starzina/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/

Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you?  Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)

Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there.  We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time.  Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the house…

 We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  

Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:   

  http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50

And now, the HorrorScope…

Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is the nineteenth birthday of one Diego Fagundez.  Who the motherfucking fuckety-fuck, We hear you ask, is Diego Fagundez?  He is a soccer player (in New England, We just learned…hmmm…).  Not, naturally, that We have any earthly idea what soccer even is, although We do recall a long and very tiresome fillum in which the aforementioned Tom Hanks was consistently upstaged by what We subsequently learned was a soccer ball, but that’s not important right now.  What IS important is that you Google up some images of young Diego on Wikipedia, then you conjure him up (by saying, “Fagundez, Fagundez, Fagundez”, naturally (much like “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice”, except when you’re done, you get a hottie instead of Michael Keaton)) and bring him to one of Our Greater Bostonia shows.

KThxBye.

Your creative energy is undeniable today (Oh, please.   We can deny ANYTHING.)

— so bust out with some new ideas or show your boss what you can do.  (We can be less popular than Hitler.  Without even trying.)

It’s easier than you think to change the way you live your life!  (Well, DUH!  Just DIE!  There ya go!)

Do not jump and run (Have you met Us?)

at the sound of someone else’s alarm today — your sense of urgency is different from the next guy’s.  (Indeed.  And rightly so.  For example, last night’s snow (as opposed to yesterday morning’s snow, mind you), which We have been procrastinating about shoveling, has all now been melted by the sun, thereby sparing Us the effort.  Let’s see fucking Hitler do THAT!)

Base your actions on what you think is most important,  (Diego Fagundez’s balls?)

not on what you think other people think is most important!  (What?  We meant SOCCER balls.  What did you THINK We meant?  (Pervert.))

It’s not about being selfish; (But is it about being shellfish?)

 it’s about not letting the agendas of others influence your life.  (Somewhere in the middle of that sentence, even though it really wasn’t very long, We seem to have completely lost the thread.  Sorry.)

Now more than ever, you need to maintain a sense that you are in full control of your life.  (Does that make anyone else feel as though she’s telling Us to delude Ourself?)

You’re feeling somewhat reflective,  (And yet, vampires look at Us and don’t see themselves.)

(That was one of those new-fangled existential jokes.  (Existential jokes, for Our comedically-impaired Gentle Readers, are the ones that aren’t funny.))

(Meanwhile, vampires…new-FANGled…get it?  No, really…GET IT???)

but don’t try to suppress it — this emotional clearing is just what you need.  (Scientology…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Use this time to decide exactly what matters the most to you. (Diego Fagundez’s balls?)

(Whaddaya mean, “wrong answer”?  What would Hitler say?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.