I’m a muscle fa-a-an

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Halloween,  October TurdyOneth, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Evan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, all the way out on The Left Coast in El Lay.

And Happy Halloween to the rest of all y’all.  We Our Own Self Personally celebrated Halloween last night, by seeing Our friends in The Masque of Poe at the Powel House. It continues tonight and tomorrow, but, unless you  already have tickets, you can’t see it, because it is totally sold out. So nanny-nanny-poo-poo to you. It is a brilliantly constructed evening of theatre which makes excellent use of the setting, and contains uniformly fine performances. (It also, for those who are shallow (as We are) contains (for those who know him) Kevin in a tuxedo, which is the closest thing to proof of the existence of God that We’ve seen in quite some time.)

Happy Shalloween!

Not to stray from the point (not that We’re entirely sure what the point actually IS), but Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is the birthday of YET ANOTHER “web video star”.  (Of course, it also informs Us that Vanilla Ice and Willow Smith were born today, thereby implying that THEY are celebrities, so what the hell does IT know?)

Those of you who know Us personally know that We are not fickle like that.  We are not about to jump willy-nilly from one web video star’s willy to another as though one willy were (subjunctively) just like another.  No, We have hitched Our wagon (as it were) to Elih Tani’s willy, and there We mean it to stay.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), does it bother anyone else that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “willy” as correctly spelled when it’s part of “willy-nilly”, but refuses to accept a stand-alone “willy”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

(Good thing it’s Vanilla Ice’s birthday, and not Milli Vanilli’s.)

(Sorry.)

Speaking of Elih Tani (and Elih Tani’s willy), you will recall that, as We wrote yesterday, the only hit you would get if you Googled ”Elih Tani naked” on Wikipedia was one hit on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!

Well, since yesterday, there are two.  (Once this e-pisstle is published, there will be three.)

Which, naturally, as We have An Inquiring Mind, made Us wonder about Elih Tani’s willy, specifically, what would happen if One Googled “Elih Tani’s willy” on Wikipedia.  (Well, not “Elih Tani’s willy”, actually….We didn’t expect there to be any hits on that (although there will be now), but “Elih Tani’s penis”.)

Imagine Our shock and dismay when We discovered that there was not ONE SINGLE HIT for “Elih Tani’s penis”!  The man is a WEB VIDEO STAR, fercrissakes (Our celebrity birthday website TOLD Us so)!  How is such a thing possible?

Luckily, Starzina Starfish-Browne and Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! are on the case and, again, once this e-pisstle goes to press, Inquiring Minds in  search of Elih Tani’s penis will be able to find it here.

You’re welcome.

If the preceding left you dazed and confused, you may have missed, nakedly skimmed, or developed a case of hysterical amnesia regarding yesterday’s e-pissode.  If so, catch up, move your lips while reading word for word, or refresh your memory with a refreshing memory douche here:  

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html

Speaking of penises (penii?), for the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to last week’s “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/because-im-tacky.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:

  http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

You don’t always love organizing people, (Izzat like pigeonholing them?  (Does “pigeonholing” sound like it should mean something dirty to anybody else?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))

but today you can tell that it’s vital for getting anything done.  (Speaking of getting things done, We have about a kabillion errands to run, and it is nuclear winter outside.  Thanks, The Universe.)

You need some help to get where you’re going today.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We always get so much help.)

Of course, you’re great on your own — better than most — and well known for doing amazing work independently. (Wow.  This is getting depressing.)

 It’s just that for now, your personal energy responds better to teamwork. (Can We pick the team?  Because We pick the Swedish Olympic men’s swim team.  Speedos™ optional.)

Any brainstorming session is bound to be of incredibly inspired.  (Could We try that again?  Maybe in English this time?)

If you can fit some social time into your busy schedule, so much the better — you make everyone feel just right.  (Don’t be ridiculous….EVERYONE won’t fit into the porridge pot.)

Being good isn’t as much fun as being bad, (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

 but at least then you won’t have to apologize for your actions.  (Never apologize, never explain.)

Keep a low profile today and avoid the usual running commentary about your friends’ love lives. (Elih Tani’s penis.)

(What?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

We’ve got an opening (heh) for a princess

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowbackThursdayAtThurgoodMarhsall’sHouse, October 31^nd, 2013.

It being the third day in a row of Our having no personal and/or SitOnMyFaceBook acquaintances’ birthdays to celebrate, We shall just point out that, in addition to the horror of Halloween, both Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice were born today. (Not, We hasten to Aunt Clarify, in the same year.)

Our WorldWideInterWebNetz, meanwhile, are all a-Twatter with the sentiment that, if Willow Smith were (subjunctively) to strap on a little white penis and slather on some whiteface to go trick-or-treating as Vanilla Ice, that would be perfectly fine, but if Vanilla Ice were to slap on some Ben Nye™ Light Egyptian and whip his hair back and forf (does Vanilla Ice still have hair?) to go trick-or-treating as Willow Smith, that would somehow be racist. Which it may well be, but, if you intend to convince Us, you will need to make a better argument than, “Well, it just is, because it IS.”

Of course, you are not reading this e-pisstle to hear Us hold forf on weighty issues like racism.  (You ARE reading this out loud, aren’t you?)  You are reading it to hear Us imagine Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice going trick-or-treating as each other, TOGETHER, and, more to the point, what Will and Jada will say when they find out that a forty-six year old man has taken their thirteen year old daughter trick-or-treating.

In other completely random celebrity news, We had a dream the other night in which The Sainted Mother and all of her sisters (no idea where her brothers were) had gathered together because their mother was in the hospital. All of her sisters, We should say, but one, and it was, consequently, left  up to Us to explain the situation, over the phone, to The Sainted Mother’s absent sister…Carol Burnett.  Carol, naturally, had her own point of view regarding the situation, which she seemed to think was entirely Sally Struthers’s fault.  (Well, Carol called her “Gloria”, but We KNEW who she meant.)

Speaking of dreams, in the wake of all of Our recent “Picturing People Naked” Weeks, We would like you all to know that, as We move into a brand new month, We shan’t be picturing anybody naked for a while.  No, indeed, We shan’t be Envisioning Allen’s Tomahawk, or Tiptoeing Through The Tulips Of Kevin’s Manscaping, or Picturing…well, We never DID actually SEE Peter naked, but a girl can dream, can’t she?  There will be no more conjuring up images of Lex’s eggroll, only to re-conjure them half an hour later when We are hungry again, and no more imagining what tricks or treats are nestled like sugarplums in OurThreeSons’ Jeggings™. (Is it warm in here, or is it just Us?)

We trust that none of these lovely gentlemen will expire from the dearth of attention.  And We sincerely hope they will keep perusing these e-pisstles, despite their absence from their pages. Perhaps they will even deign to explain how it is that We didn’t receive so much as a single sext after almost of month of this shameless behavior…

Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Urban Dictionary wants Us to know that an example of a “bad porno pun” is “You’ve Got Male Genitalia” as a play on “You’ve Got Mail”.  Thanks, Urban Dictionary.

Meanwhile, in the interests of holiday spirit, here’s this:

http://dontpkethebear.com/18-examples-of-incredibly-impressive-halloween-makeup-to-creep-you-out/

                                            

and this:

http://www.whatthefuckshouldibeforhalloween.com/

And here is the HorrorScope:

That little pain in your foot  (What about that little pain in Our assz?)

or digestive issue may start to flare up today — so pay careful attention and try not to make it worse. It’s a good day to follow up with health care professionals.  (Wait…is this a horoscope, or a rectal exam?)

The people closest to you are starting to see you in a brand new light right now.  (That’s because Our duodenum glows in the dark.)

Maybe it’s the changes you’ve been making in your life, maybe it’s the changes that they’ve made in theirs.  (Maybe Allen’s tomahawk is helicoptering while Lex plays “Hide-the-Eggroll”.)

(Oooops… We forgot Ourself.)

Either way, this is a day when you will see little if any conflict happening.   (Sez you.  Bitch.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Everyone is on your side, (Or Our back…one of those.)

and they all agree with your ways of thinking. (Yeah. THAT could happen.)

All of this wonderful collaboration means one thing — progress!  (An example of how Our mind works:  We are looking at the word “progress”.  It causes Us to neologize the word “frogress”.  Which is either some feminine form of “frog” or a cross between a “frog” and an “ogress”.  Which then makes Us wonder why there even IS a feminine form of “ogre”, because, really?  If you’ve got an ogre to deal with, do you really care if it’s a man or a woman?  On the other hand, if it’s a frogress, you MIGHT want to know about gender, because, if you kiss it, you might want to know if you’re getting a prince or a princess.  As the majority of people would in fact, have a preference.)

(Prince Harry naked.)

(Vacation timeshares in (what passes for) Our mind are now being booked through early 2014.)

You could finish up everything today if you pull everyone together.  (But there are seven of ‘em…well, EIGHT, counting Prince Harry…and We’ve only got two hands.)

There’s lots of silly little details to take care of today, (There certainly are…so We’d best wrap this up.)

though you’d rather focus on the larger, sweeter, more romantic side of life. (Oh, great…keep talking like that, and We’ll NEVER stop picturing those people naked.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.