Raindrops on rowhomes and whiskeyed-up kittens

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedDay, December 6^nd , 2013.

Happy Birthday to Frank, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in or around The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. 

Also, Happy Birthday to Josh, who also turns twenty-four today, in Miami, Florida. Also, Happy Birthday to Matt, who also turns twenty-four today, in Honolulu, Hawaii.

With the weather We’re having around here, people have their goddamn nerve, living in Miami, Florida and Honolulu, Hawaii.  We’re just sayin’.

This may wind up being the shortest Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! in living history.  Ordinarily, We wouldn’t even be writing it, but We didn’t want to undaily holidailies right in the very first week. (http://www.holidailies.org/)   You see, We have a 12:30 call for a 2:30 murder mystery today.  Which means, amongst other things,  that some bunch of yahoos will be eating a 4-course Italian dinner at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Then, We are off to the opening of the WaitStaff show (which We are not in, and consequently have not plugged, as We can’t even get YouPeople to come see things We ARE in, but here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/741708602523650/

And all in this lovely rain.  With Our umbrella left behind in the hinterlands.  Sigh.

In other news, Our Gay Card has been revoked for not watching the live version of The Sound of Muzak on television last night. 

Also, We had a dream in which We were flirted with (and groped!) by a young Cuban gentleman who was repairing the stairs at Our grandparents’ house.  (We have no idea how We knew he was Cuban, as opposed to just generically Latino, but, hey, it was obviously a dream, as (A.) he was much too cute to be groping the likes of Us, and (2.) he would never in real life have been so much as inside of Our grandfather’s house.)

In still other news, We mentioned recently that We had been dumped…We would say it’s official, but it isn’t, so We are left to imagine all of the heinous offenses We must have committed.  What it is, however, is abundantly clear.  On the plus side, however, the sex We’re not having now is the same as the sex We weren’t having before, so there’s that.

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

And suddenly, the news that it’s Agnes Moorehead’s birthday has made everything just a little bit better.  (She would be a hundred and thirteen today, in case you were wondering.)

Today’s HorrorScope is presented without interruption.  (Make your own damn callbacks.)

You may feel like you’re living in a science fiction film today — things are moving quickly, and you may be excited to see new possibilities open up before your eyes. Enjoy the future!  You might not believe that you have all the determination and ambition you need to make some major headway today, but you definitely do! Early in the morning, if you can devote some time to figuring out a few shortcuts, you will be able to free up valuable time in the afternoon to get more work done. Your brain will be sharper as the day goes on, so try to save complicated or detail-oriented work for the end of your day. In the morning, your mind will be creative but indecisive.  Your unique spirit and big ideas really shine today, but you can also play well with others! Find that hot event or promising party — you’re sure to find that the connections you make now really crackle.

Happy Picturing Blair (Ren? (Chad?)) In The Buff Week!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Walk like an Egyptian

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, January 17, 2013. Happy Birthday to Allen, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Agnes Moorehead Hannah Montana Madagascar, Minnesota.  Oddly enough, he is Our only Gentle Reader from that particular neck of the woods.  If you saw him, however, you would have no objection to necking in the woods with him.  Trust Us.

We, meanwhile, are slaving and toiling to fulfill the terms of Our Creative Pay-It-Forward thingie.  Although We have hit a small glitch with a local emporium, who are not as well-stocked as they might be.  So some of you will be hearing from Us shortly, and some of you won’t be hearing from Us till longly.  Altruism is difficult, especially around the holidays.

In other news, The Sainted Mother texted Us yesterday to alert Us to the appearance of her pixture in the paper.  Thereby proving that The Sainted Mother not only has an iPhone, but also has a better agent than We have.  We cannot even imagine what We would have to do to get Our pixture in the paper.  Did We mention that The Sainted Mother also has a television commercial to her credit?  What exactly We are doing wrong, We haven’t got any idea.

Please  share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn  video with a friend.  (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

There are all sorts of high-profile birthdays today, but We don’t want Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles to get lost in the shuffle. So Happy Birthday, Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles.

You’re quite excited to be where you are, (We are in OurHouseWhereWeLive, in OurKitchenWhichNeedsCleaning.  Oh, the thrill of it all.)

and can hardly feel the exhaustion that must be setting in. (On the plus side, the sun is shining.  On the plus size, Our ass.)

This second wind is exhilarating,  (That is not, however, the word We would use for the breaking wind.)

and you should be able to push yourself in all sorts of interesting ways.  (In the bush, for instance.)

You can’t think twice (We can barely think once.)

if your ambition gets in other people’s way today.   (Other people?  Who cares?)

Even if you step on someone’s toes once or twice, sometimes that’s just what it takes to get where you want to go. (Often, however, you will find it much more effective to step on their testicles.  Just sayin’.)

You can’t let manners and etiquette deter you right now.   (Okay, so We’ll step on their testicles with Our pinkie extended, and send ‘em a bread-and-butter note afterwards.)

This is not the time or place. (Then what the fuck is it?)

You cannot stop your personal quest (No matter how hopeless? No matter how far?)

just because it annoys or inconveniences someone else.  (What is this constant harping on “other people”?  Isn’t this OUR horrorscope?)

Because you know that if they were in your shoes,  (Now fucking other people are wearing Our shoes?  What is this, a goddamn bowling alley?)

they would do the exact same thing.  (But they’d do it in Our shoes.  So, eeeuuuwww.)

 Fill your day and night with plenty of action, especially stuff involving new people and lots of forward motion.  (Well, that’s just dirty.)

Switch from playing outdoors to swaying on the dance floor. (Kelli is a poet, but she is unaware of it.)

You should have a blast. (And/or a snort.  And We wouldn’t necessarily turn down recreational drugs, neither.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Ain’t it a bitch?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, December 06, 2012. Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in Manhattania. Also, Happy Birthday to Frank, who also turns twenty-four today, but NOT in Manhattania.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Matt, who also also turns twenty-four today.  In Honolulu.  Hawaii, don’t’cha know.

“Honolulu” is one of those words that’s fun to type.  Like “banana”.  Because sometimes you forget to stop. Bananananananana.  Honolululululululululu.

We are easily amused.

Our heat came on as We sat down to begin writing this, which clued Us in that it’s not as warm out today as it’s been.  (We suspect, for example, that Matt’s heat in Honolululululululu did NOT come on this morning.)  This would be completely unremarkable, except for the fact that, as the heat ran, the candles on Our dining room table began to vibrate uncontrollably and Would. Not. Stop.  Leading Us to believe that mayhaps OurHouseWhereWeLive is being haunted by The Ghost Of Christmas Panties.

More on that story as it develops.

We had Our focus group yesterday afternoon, which, blessedly, turned out to be only an hour and a half instead of two hours.  Which meant it was still light when We left, which enabled Us to squeeze in some shopping.  We stopped at the post office to obtain stamps with which to send Our Christmas cards, only to be informed that “We don’t have any Christmas stamps”.  Oh, really?  When do you think you MIGHT have them?  Valentine’s Day?  Jeebus.

Meanwhile, in Our dreams, yet another two epic sagas.  (Singular “saga” is much like Honolululululululu.  “Sagagagagaga”.  (Insert Lady Gagagagagagaga joke here.  (This “Honolululululululu” joke just doesn’t get old, duzzit?  (Shaddup.))) ) Why We don’t have a development deal with HBO or Showtime, We haven’t got any idea.

At any rate, in the first dream, We were directing the Sordid Lives sequel.  Which does not, of course, exist, but since when would that stop Us?  All of the ladies of the coven were present  and accounted for, as well as MizGerreGarrett, who was sporting exceedingly large hair,  Our Sistah Ovella, and The Sainted Mother, who was, We think, playing the role of the woman who appears in the bar scene in the movie, but isn’t in the original play’s script.

The play began with a monologue by OurMizDonna, and everything went brilliantly all through the first act. Then everything went to hell in a handbag, as We learned that act two was supposed to begin with a monologue by Us Our Own Self Personally, which we had neither ever read nor memorized.  Although We had Our script in Our very hand, We could not find the page on which said monologue began, and no one would tell Us.

Fortunately, nature called and woke Us up.

In Our next dream, We were in Our grandmother’s house, with various random members of Our extended family present, when We got it into Our head that We needed to bake cookies.  Why this would be necessary, We haven’t got any idea, as We do not recall there ever being a time at Our grandmother’s house when cookies were not already present.    And Our grandmother was in fact In Da House, albeit with her hair and makeup done as they might have been when she was a young woman, and wearing two different shoes.

As anyone who bakes cookies knows, the first thing you want to do is, obviously, unwrap about ten pounds of butter and clutch them to your chest while beginning to look for a mixing bowl.  Being unable to look Our Own Self (ten pounds of butter is SLIPPERY), We enlisted the aid of others, who impeded Our progress by bringing Us containers that were too small (teacups, cereal bowls) or inappropriate (purses, picnic baskets).

We were screaming “a fucking mixing bowl!!!” at some random child when a trash truck woke Us up.

Diagnoses are welcome.  We might even give you one of Our two nickels.

Please share Our video with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Speaking of videos, it occurs to Us that, as We have a new audience from www.holidailies.org , We ought perhaps to resurrect Jesus.  As it (subjunctively) were:

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Heard any good jokes lately? Yeah me neither..

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Got cut from the football team. Apparently "blind side" isn't what I thought it meant...

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Did I mention how I've seen the same amount of NHL games as everyone else this year?

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In other news, Happy Agnes Moorehead’s Birthday, everybody!

You should take better care of yourself  (If We could “ take care of Ourself”, We’d never leave the house.)

— though that’s hardly unique!  (What the hell does that mean?  How would that be unique?)

You do have uniquely focused energy today, though, (Too bad the focus group was yesterday.)

so you should be able to follow through on even the loftiest of health goals!  (Two sentences in a row ending with exclamation points?  Take a chill pill, Kelli.)

It’s the squeaky wheel that usually gets all the oil, (But what does Squeaky Fromme get?)

so if you are in need of some attention today, you’ll have to speak up loudly, early and often!  (Another exclamation point?  Seriously?)

The usual agitators in your group won’t be making much noise right now, (See ya later, agitator.  After while, Vera Miles.)

(What?)

so the coast should be clear for you to take center stage for a while. (If not, We shall call up the coast guard.)

You might have to guard this attention soon, though (Heh.  Kelli said “guard” right after We did.)

— your window of opportunity will be closing by the end of the day. (Fortunately, Our skylight of impropriety will be wide open.)

So speak up now or forever hold your peace. 

(What?  We were holding Our peace.)

Any applicants for a position in your heart are getting extra scrutiny now.  (Also, it’s Double Coupon Day.)

Sure, it’s a good idea to give that resume a close look and to check references, if possible, but be sure to give them a fair chance too. (Mais oui give them a fair shake instead?)

HONOLULULULULULULULULULULU!!!!!!!!

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I’m in the mood for love, simply because Anne Meara

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Erection Day, November 8, 2011.  In between erections, get yo’ ass out and vote.

Meanwhile, We were tickled pink (heh) earlier this morning, when We actually made Ourself a couple of dollars telling CVS what kind of package they should put their nuts in.  True story. (Virtually everything We tell you in here is either a true story, or at least based in some sort of truth.  Oh, sure, from time to time We may engage in a bit of, shall We say, hyperbole, but that’s only because hyperbole is the greatest freakin’ thing in the history of the universe!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

We had a whole ‘nother list of crazy dreams to tell you about, but We forgot.  People say We should keep a dream journal…honey, if We kept a dream journal, We’d never get nothing else done.

Google+:  social networking for hermits.

Meanwhile, you will be happy to hear, We continue to be a delusional idiot.  Also, there are people whose mere existence on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, most especially on SitOnMyFaceBook, make Us want to punch them right in the trachea.

It has come to Our attention that We appear to know fewer Scorpios than any other sign since We started making Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope videos.  It has become Our custom to brighten the natal days of Our birthday-having SitOnMyFaceBook friends by posting Our video for the current Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sign, along with Our very best wishes, on their walls on their special day, and We are currently noting a marked paucity of such postings. A dearth, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)  So do please help Us out by passing Our video along to YOUR Scorpio-birthdayed friends whom We haven’t the good fortune to have met yet.  Here is the link to post on their walls:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

Thank you so very much, and yes, that was a prerecorded message.  (Well, a pretyped message. (Imagine if, instead of typing this, We did it as a vlog every day.  (Don’t worry….ain’t gonna happen.  No way are We gonna take a pixture of Ourself looking like this, much less a video.)))

In other news, Gentle Readers arriving on these hallowed pages via “Charlene Tilton” Google searches continue apace, and the original episode of Erix Daily Horoscope with her pixture on it now has the most hits for a single episode of Erix Daily Horoscope EVAH.  Clearly, Ms. Tilton is Up To Something, and Hollyweird needs to sit up and take notice.  To the best of Our knowledge, she has not yet been signed to appear on the Dallas reboot…

But, soft!  What wind through yon window breaks?  ‘Tis Juliet’s moon, and the stupid bitch is farting out the window again. (Shakespeare, Shmakespeare…OUR pentameter is iambic, too!)  And now, the HorrorScope:

Your inner explorer is finding the call of the wild and exotic irresistible, so get out there and make a few discoveries.  (Kiss Us quick, We are Dora the Explorer.  (Which gives Us yet another of Our brilliant ideas… We are imagining an adult version of that chirren’s show, entitled Endora the Explorer , in which a lesbian witch in lavender chiffon tours exotic locales.  Oh, the places you’ll go! (Agnes Moorehead having departed for that great gay bar in the sky, One wonders who might be cast in such an epic…thoughts?)))

You might meet some new friends along the way, so stay open socially.  (We are WIDE open, and fully dilated.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “fully dilated” to “fully diluted”.  Really, Micro$oft Weird™…it’s only noon.)

There are personality shifts going on all around you right now, so get ready for some unpredictable and potentially disappointing behavior from some of your friends.  (Ah, but you see, We are becoming more and more difficult to disappoint, due to having virtually no expectations.  (No Expectations was, of course, the original title of that horrible Dickens book, until the hack realized that he was being paid by the letter and that, unfortunately for him, Pusillanimous Expectations didn’t make any sense.))

(It’s just ass-deep in highbrow culture in here, innit?)

The people who are always initiating new social plans are suddenly too busy to hang out, (So We’ve decided to start spending Our time with the people who are always initiating new social diseases.  (If you’re slutty and you know it, get the clap.))

but you shouldn’t let your insecurities tell you that they’re avoiding you.  (Of course not.  That’s what Twitter is for.)

While this phase lasts, you need to shift to your own life and your own adventures. (Should Endora drive a Ford Explorer?  (Get the art department on the phone, and see if they can dig up a lavender Ford Explorer.))

(Having never seen an episode of Dora the Explorer, We just went Googling on Wikipedia in search of characters for Our grownup version, Endora the Explorer.  So far, We’ve got Doc Martens the Monkey and Fannypack.  Naturally, We’d also like to see appearances by Uncle Arthur and Doctor Bombay.  You?)

You can’t always rely on other people to provide fun.  (Alternatively, that period could have gone after “people”.)

Whether you’re an amorous ace or a romantic rookie, (Seriously?)

you have one big thing going for you (Is this a fat joke?)

— personality.  (“But she has such a nice face”…it WAS a fat joke!)

It doesn’t matter where you’re at, (As long as you are fat.)

you’ve got this one figured out, big time. (Again with the “big”?)

So don’t sweat the small talk — that’ll flow like champagne. (Somehow, the inclusion of “sweat” and “champagne” in the same sentence is making Us feel all warm and sticky.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.