I’m a mess without my little China girl

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September 17^rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Sara, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  (But, since We are the only person who calls him “Richard”, no one will know about whom We speak.  (More cake for Us!))  Also too, Happy Birthday to Lauren, who does not quite turn twenty-four today, in the same geographical vicinity.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Lex In China, who turns twenty-four today.  In China.  (Lex In China is, of course, the lesser known sequel to the opera Nixon in China.  Edit your Quizzo crib sheets accordingly.)

In other Happy Happy Joy Joy wishes, Warm Kisses On Your Opening to The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh, who is opening (well, first-previewing) the musical R-A-G-G M-O-P-P: RapTime! in Walla Walla, Wiscyoming, WestVagina this evening.

Everybody, sing along!

If I had Aladdin’s lamp for only a day

I’d make a wish and here’ what I’d say:

Nothing could be finer

Than to be in your vagina

In the mo-o-o-orning…

Sorry.

Through the miracle of WorldWideInterWebNetzian technology, We have Our Own Self Personally witnessed images of selected scenes from MisterDoh’s brilllliant performance, in which he Wears A Stupid Hat and Argues With A Black Man.  If only there were paved roads leading to Walla Walla…We would certainly be there.

Because people stared at Us blankly when We said, in Our show on Sunday, that We once made a video with Justin Bieber, and because We need no more provocation than a stiff breeze to share same, here is the aforementioned MisterDoh’s cinematic collaboration with Us:

Meanwhile, This Just In from Twatter: “How do five gay guys walk?  In One Direction.”

Also from Twatter:  “First World Problems”: http://9gag.com/gag/aAYdxzL

So We mentioned Our show, and many of you looked as blank as you looked when We mentioned having Our Justin Bieber’s love child.  Go get your tickets RIGHT NOW for Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  There are three shows remaining, tomorrow and Thursday at 8PM, and Sunday at 7PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

Also, tell your friends, etc.  We were so preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.

(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who has come to see Our show so far, and to all of Our generous supporters.

Speaking of G-strings, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:

 

And here is the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, while quite a number of people whom We know personally have birthdays today, there is a serious celebrity birth dearth. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, was born today.  As was Drew Barrymore’s grandmother, Dolores Costello.  Who would be a hundred and ten today.  If she weren’t, ya know, dead as a doornail.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…what?  WHAT?  Oh, sorry.  We just went and Googled “dead as a doornail” on Wikipedia.  The answer was more interesting than Drew Barrymore’s grandmother.  But not by much.

Your leadership abilities are unquestioned, (Why?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  That’s a little bit of that existential humor.  You know, the kind that’s not funny.)

but you may still find that it’s easier for you to defer to others occasionally  (Oh, see…here, We’ve been deferring to others’ occasional CHAIRS.  Awk-ward.)

— if only to let them feel a sense of ownership over their lives.  (This just in: Lincoln freed the slaves.)

 It’s easy to teach an old dog new tricks when the dog wants to learn them — so if you are looking to pick up a new skill or get rid of bad habits, make sure you have the honest desire to do so.  (No matter how many extraneous words you string together at the end of that sentence,  We refuse to forget that you’ve essentially just called Us an old dog.)

If you don’t feel that strongly about change, then you are just wasting your time trying to attain it. (Fuck change…bring on da folding money!)

 Are you letting other people’s expectations drive your goals? (Honey, We wouldn’t let other people’s expectations drive Our Ford Taurus.  If We had a Ford Taurus.  Which We do not.  Have.  A Ford Taurus.)

(What?)

You have to make sure your ambitions are you own, (We are the most ambitchous person We know.)

otherwise they are never going to inspire you.  (Bitch, please.)

 If someone wants to set you up, why say no? If they know you at all, they should have a good idea of who’s likely to be a good match for you. Ask a few friends if they know any single people. (Now, see…this last part is kind of creepy, especially considering events of yesterday afternoon.  In which We flat out told somebody We wanted to be set up, and with whom…)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Can she bake a cherry pie?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FridayFridayFriday, February 22st, 2013.  We cannot tell a lie, it is George Washington’s actual birthday, so lettuce all take out Our teeth and gum some cherry cake.   It is also Brian Anthony’s birthday, so Happy Birthday Brian Anthony, as you turn twenty-four on each of your SitOnMyFaceBook pages.

Why would anybody have TWO SitOnMyFaceBook pages?  ;)

Of course, We SAY “We cannot tell a lie”, but that is, of course, a lie.  We can think of no advantageous reason, however, to tell you that “We CAN tell a lie”, as then you will no doubt watch Us more closely and possibly catch Us out.  And We choose to believe that what young George Washington meant, with an axe in his hand and a recently-deceased cherry tree at his feet, is, “I cannot possibly tell THIS PARTICULAR lie and have a chance in hell of getting away with it, so I will come clean, thereby making it infinitely easier to get away with my NEXT whopper”.

He was, after all, a politician.

Did We mention that We were recently crowned Queen of Norway?

Also, heh, We said “whopper”.  It takes, as you are no doubt aware, two hands to handle a whopper.  (No, really…it DOES.  That is not a lie.)

But enough history for one day.  (Actually, that IS a lie, because right away here comes some more history.)

Please watch the inventor of the Long Island Iced Tea make a Long Island Iced Tea:

Is it just Us, or are all y’all a little tipsy just from WATCHING that?  (Also, heh, his name is “Butt”.)

Speaking of big butts in videos, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

We repeated that paragraph in its entirety from the other day because We are still pondering what exactly the “sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” euphemism might actually mean.  Sigh.

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In addition to George “Pants-On-Fire” Washington, it is also Drew Barrymore’s birthday, as well as Kyle MacLachlan’s.  Something for everyone.

Family issues are on your mind today, and you should find that you can’t come up with any reason not to handle the domestic stuff before everything else. (Actually, if you drink the imported stuff first, the domestic stuff will go down easier once you no longer care.  True fact.  (We cannot, after all, tell a lie.))

Talk with family or roommates and start working on an answer.  (We haven’t even heard the question yet.)

When you find yourself thinking of an older person today, stop and pay attention.  (Older than what?)

This person symbolizes something that you need to integrate back into your life as soon as you can.  (Oh, goody, symbolism.  Our favorite.  If anyone wants Us, We’ll be out back chopping down a cherry tree.)

(Speaking of cherries and birthdays, is there a famous cherry cake that what passes for Our mind is refusing to conjure up for Us? We are not a fan of cherry pie, and We have to serve George something when he gets here.  (What?  He SAID he was coming.  And he wouldn’t tell a lie.))

 Give yourself time to figure out what it could be today — the answer might not be obvious at first.  (We are STILL waiting on the fucking question.  What is this, Jeopardy?  We’ll take Dead Presidents for $500, Alex.)

But remember: Just because something is in your past doesn’t mean that it needs to stay there.  (Thereby stating the premise of virtually every dramatic fillum ever made.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

Whatever you miss can be yours again. (Also, everything old is nude again. (Your birthday suit?  Needs ironing.))

 All you have to do is reach back and get it.  (Which is just an extremely polite way to say, “Pull it out of your ass”.)

You don’t have to suppress your strong reactions today,  (Well, it’s a GODDAMN GOOD FUCKING THING, you addled-pated cooter-faced AssHat!!!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but you can decide who gets to hear about it.  (Go tell it on the mountain, Mahalia Jackson.)

(It’s not every day Mahalia Jackson turns up in here, izzit?  She must’ve heard there was gonna be cake.)

Freaking out or falling all over yourself is almost certainly not the best way to go. (Wow.  The depth of the wisdom in that statement is damn near overwhelming.  Assuming, that is, that both whelming and underwhelming are practically in the same place.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay HumpDay HumpDay, June 13, 2012.  (The theory being, naturally, that if One says “HumpDay” three times, a HumpDay will appear.  (With Our luck, of course, DORIS Day will appear.  With one breast bared.  Singing “Que Sera,Sera”. In Pig Latin. ))

Having conjured that dazzlingly brilliant poetic image for you, happy birthday to Diane, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are no doubt have humps with no incantations whatsoever.

In other news, We received a piece of snail-mail yesterday exhorting Us to “effortlessly purchase cemetery space by mail”.  Is there something YouPeople aren’t telling Us?

Meanwhile, a comment on one of Our recent e-pisstles from someone called “webmaster” said, and We quote, “I definitely appreciate studying all that is published on your site regarding Daily Horoscope. Keep the details arriving. I liked it! “

Sigh.

In still other news, for someone who has been around the proverbial block as many times as Our Own Self Personally, We can occasionally be of a stupidity of stupendous stupidosity.  We are currently two-thirds of the way through a veritable Trifecta of Stupidosity, and We can only imagine how very, very stupid We will be in the home stretch.

Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, apparently thinks We are of such a stupendous stupidosity that We don’t know that “trifecta” is a word.  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Sometimes amidst Our stupendous stupidosity, there are moments of staggering serendipity, such as came to pass this very morning.  Upon discovering that today is Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s birthday (We *KNOW*!), through a natural association of ideas, We immediately began wondering whatever happened to the Brewer twins.  In Googling them on Wikipedia, We somehow came across today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus.  Which, depicting a skateboarding Jesus as it does, would be relatively unremarkable, except for the fact that Skateboarding Jesus has HAIRY LEGS!

Okay, NOW here’s the HorrorScope:

Your ambitions can be more easily achieved today — all you have to do is go for it!  (Isn’t that what you told us yesterday?  Trust Us, not so much.)

Your great energy is all you need to bend the world to your will. (First, We’re buying a cemetery plot, now We’re writing Our will…what aren’t you telling Us?)

Imagine it, then push yourself to greatness!  (Why is the phrase “straining at stool” leaping to mind?)

Your curiosity is stronger than ever right now, (That’s Axe™ body spray.)

so why not unleash it? (And let it poop wherever it wants?  We think not.)

Go out into the world today and explore all the nooks and crannies you can find.  (Now that’s just dirty.)

Turn over every rock and examine what you see. (Eeeuuuwww!!!)

Wherever you look, there will be hidden clues and fascinating ideas. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Nancy Drew Barrymore Pamela Sue Martin Short.)

(Fucking Tourette’s syndrome.)

If they are good things, you will have a new direction to discover.  (They are UNDER a fucking ROCK…how good can they be?)

And if they’re bad things, at least you will know better next time. (Yeah…don’t turn over rocks.  Moron.)

Experience creates the best education — period.  (The School of Hard Knockers, eh?)

At first your date’s need for attention seems natural and uninhibited, (What is this “date” of which you speak?)

but then you start wondering why they’re so insecure. (Well, maybe.  After We finish wondering why they’re inflatable.)

Can you really afford to spend all your time shoring up this person’s ego? (That depends…are We getting as blowjob out of it?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.