I’m hooked on a feeling

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, March 28^rd, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Charlotte, who also turns twenty-four today, also in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, somewhere, We suspect, within the city limits.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Alan, who also too turns twenty-four today.  Somewhere in Connecticut.  Which just isn’t funny.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile to Wendy, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia.  (More on Our abscesses absinthe Abyssinia-in-all-the-old-familiar-places…(Ooops, sorry…Our keyboard stuck.)  …moron Our absence in a  muu-muu…er, moment.)

Most of Our Gentle Readers are by now aware that, if We mention you in an e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  because it is, for example, your birthday, as with the folks above, or because We are picturing you naked (hi, Allen!), or just because We are a “shameless click-whore” (hi, Josh!), We will alert you to said mention via a SitOnMyFaceBook message, which will include the following sentence:

We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.

Now, that would seem to be a relatively clear sentence, yes?  While the “newness” of the plan is somewhat debatable, if it is the first time you are seeing such a notification, you have no way of knowing that.  And, while We were once mocked for Our use of the word “wherein”, if you have read more than three sentences of any one of these e-pisstles, you will be aware that We do not subscribe to the American disdain for literacy and intelligence, Our theory being that We have a vocabulary and We know how to use it, and nothing cheers Us up like a well-placed “albeit”.

That said, when We say:

We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope.

…if your response is “HUH?” (yes, ladies and genitals, in all caps) We are going to unfriend your sorry ass because you are too stupid to live.  (Please note that this will NOT apply to sarcastic responses of “HUH?” to today’s FB message.  (We can smell YouPeople’s thoughts, and you need a thought shower.))

The person whom We thus unfriended the other day was a person who went through all the “Happy Birthday” messages people had left on her SitOnMyFaceBook page and typed “TY”.  Now, (1.) if you feel the need to save yourself typing effort to the point where you are compelled to abbreviate “Thank you” as “TY”, We do not feel the deep waves of gratitude emanating from you.  And (B.), if you are incapable of using your computer to replicate “Thank you” over and over again with a single keystroke, you are, again, too stupid to live.

Moving on, Our absence yesterday was due to Our efforts to shill shekels by participating in a focus group. (We shall leave the ponderous ponderers among you to ponder on what manner of world We inhabit when the likes of Us are summoned by experts to focus upon anything.)  Unlike most of these affairs, which last for about two hours, this one ran from 8AM till 4:30PM, and involved, fortunately, suitable recompense.  We should like to thank those who texted back and forth with Us during the course of the ordeal, and thus helped Us to deal and cope:  OurMizGerre, OurSistahOvella, TCBITWWW, OurMizCathy, Joe, and Doh, who, now that they have been mentioned herein (heh), will be FB-messaged with those above.

Speaking of those above, it occurs to Us to clarify that the groupings are not necessarily mutually exclusive.  That is, no matter what group you are in, We might be picturing you naked.  Just a heads up (or a “heads-up” (now We are imagining a condiment called “headsup”, which is akin, linguistically at least, to catsup.  (What it is akin to gastronomically, We haven’t got any idea.  (Hi, Jill!))))

We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:

According to Our celebrity birthday website, it is the birthday of both Lady Gaga and wrestler Umaga. (If she married him, she would be, presumably, Lady Gaga Umaga…

Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!

Ouga! Chaka! Ouga! Chaka!

I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me.
Girl, you just don't realize
What you do to me….

Sorry.)

And now, because it has taken Us forever to get this far, A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia can see that you sometimes present a prickly exterior; people complain about your unknowable interior. This is a problem for you, too: how can YOU get to know yourself better? Madame Olivia seriously encourages you to meditate. You're too busy, sure, so try a 30-second power meditation: just close your eyes and let yourself sink into yourself. Listen to what's going on in there. If you do this often enough, you will get to know you! Ironically, of course, it will help you connect with others, too.

Dear Aries, an opportunity for expansion is ahead, maybe in the earthly realm but for sure in the inner-you realm. A new idea or concept or project will present itself to you: embrace it! A growing maturity can ensue, maturity in the best possible sense, in your case, both wise and frolicsome.

The color light blue will carry meaning

Madame Olivia has enjoyed her time with you today and wishes you all the best.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Maybe I shall meet him Sunday, maybe Monday, maybe not

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThirstyThirstay, April Elebbenf, Twenty-Thirsteen.  Happy Birthday to Nick, who turns twenty-four today.  At Drexel.  But that’s okay, as he is an instructor.  Most of the instructors there are twenty-four.  At least.  A twenty-four-year-old student would be, on the other hand, either a graduate student, or what they refer to as an “alternative student”.  Or just really, really slow.

Having just thus discoursed on higher edumacation without once resorting to the word “tard”, We are tempted to just call today a win and be done with it.  We shall, naturally, soldier on, but not before We congratulate Ourself from refraining to share today’s meme video in which the baby penguin is tickled.

You’re welcome.

Also, intercourse the penguin.

We shall also refrain from discussing the weather.  Also, We would mention the fact that We broke Our glass unicorn yesterday, but clearly if We were (subjunctively) cast in The Glass Menagerie, We would be playing Amanda, not Laura, so why bother?

We are so cultured, and literary, and classy, We could just scream.

Speaking of penguin fucking, here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

 A whole bunch of C- and D-list celebrities were born today.  Apparently, if We want cake, We’re gonna have to bake it Our Own Self.

You feel quite agreeable today (No We don’t.)

(Seriously…is there ANYONE here who didn’t see that coming?  (Don’t MAKE Us use the “tard” word.))

— so much so that you might just charm (Always after me fucking charms…they’re spastically meretricious.)

your way into a new romance (Or at least a BAD romance.)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Lady Gaga.  (If Honey Boo Boo married Lady Gaga, she’d be Honey Boo Boo Gaga.  (What?  You’d rather We shared the fucking penguin video?  (How many people are now picturing a porno starring Burgess Meredith?  We’re sorry.))))

or a new job!  (We already HAVE a new job!  We wear a lot of polyester and try not to spill drinks on people.  You should come watch.  It’s fun.)

Your energy is a bit low-key, (How kind.)

which is perfect for this mission.  (Should you decide to accept it.  As always, should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed, The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.  This horoscope will self-destruct in five seconds.)

The future is always in motion, (As is the backfield.)

(Do We even need to point out that We have no idea what that MEANS, but it’s an old song lyric.)

so don’t stress  (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!!)

if you can’t quite make out your goal right now. (Why, it seems like just yesterday that We were playing rugby.  (Are there goals in rugby?  We certainly hope so…it’s difficult to play a game without goals.))

Simply deal with events as they come along, (Some day he’ll come along, the man I love, and his dick will be long, the man I love…)

(Sorry. Just a little musical interlude.)

 and try not to control or predict the future too stringently.  (All things considered, it’s so much simpler to predict the past.)

After all, life has many wonderful surprises to offer,  (Earthquakes, herpes, the Spanish Inquisition…)

but the trick is to be in a receptive state so you can appreciate those surprises.  (SURPRISE!!!)

For now, put the past behind you  (Have you SEEN Our behind?  There’s no room for anything else back there.)

and focus on the present. (Who got Us a present?  You shouldn’t have!  (We only said that to be polite…of course you should have.  We are, after all, Us.))

The future will be here before you know it.  (It tends to follow the present with alarming regularity.)

You may want to move forward with this low-key (Again with the “low-key”?)

relationship, but you don’t know what to say. (That will not, of course, stop Us from talking.)

Don’t force the issue (Also, don’t fight da funk.)

— your energy and honesty can get you through this. (Our what and Our what now?)

You should come out smiling.  (Honey, that ship has sailed.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Rollin’ on the river

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThird’sDay (and Lovey), March 28, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Andy, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia.  Also, Happy Birthday to Alan, who doesn’t EVEN turn twenty-four today, Somewhere In Urbia.

Our Google Chrome™ WorldWideInterWebNetzian browser would like Us to know that it has been updated “with a bettar spellchecker”.  Thanx, Googel Chroam!

In other news, much like all of the best-laid plans of mice and men to get laid but not necessarily by each other, Our fame-seeking-missile plan to release a sex tape has already gang agley, as it (subjunctively) were. This should come as no surprise to any Gentle Reader with two brain cells to rub together, dependent as said plan was upon Our obtaining Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown and wearing it with one leg clean-shaven and one leg unshaven within sex-tape-leaking proximity of Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother.

(If you have absolutely no idea what We’re talking about, We shall wait right here while you go and read yesterday’s e-pisstle to the E-phesians: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/03/and-let-me-kiss-you.html  Because trust Us, the nothing that We had yesterday was really something compared to the nothing that We have today.)

Meanwhile, We should be moving this right along, as We have dinner plans.  Which should mean absolutely nothing at this hour of the morning, except that the plans involve Us cooking. We are making dinner for two of the ever-dwindling number of people who would pee on Us if We were (subjunctively) on fire. Ordinarily, We prefer Our dinner guests one at a time, so that We can attempt to talk them into making a leaky sex tape during dessert, but desperate mimes call for Desperate Housewives, so here We are.

(In other news, because We are certain that you, like We, are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really….who wants to know?), We would like to inform you that, if you Google “Richard Leakey sex tape” on Wikipedia?  You get no results.  (Thank GAWD!))

(Perhaps We didn’t spell it properly.)

(Ah, so.  The intertwining of the jokes.  But We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

It has just come to Our (severely limited) attention that it is Maundy Thursday, which commemorates The Last Supper.  Hmmm…perhaps, during Our dinner party this evening, We shall wash each others’ feet.  Now THERE’S a leaky sex tape just waiting to happen! (In other news, albeit a bit late in the day, the Catholic Archbishop of New Orleans would like you to know that, on Fridays during Lent, and other days on which the eating of meat is forbidden, One MAY eat alligator.  Because it is a fish.  Or something:  http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/03/27/175058833/forget-fish-fridays-in-louisiana-gator-is-on-the-lenten-menu  So much for that pesky taxonomy science.)

As you can see, We got plenty o’ nothin’.  And nothin’s plenty for We Wee Wee all the way home is where the hard-on is…(Sorry.) So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined: 

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

In other news, Happy Birthday to Conchata Ferrell.  (You thought We were gonna say “Lady GaGa”, didn’t’cha?  Eric’s! Daily!Horoscope!: expect the unexpectorated.)

Listen carefully  (Sorry…did you say something?)

— your mate, business partner or closest family member is trying to tell you something. (Well, which one is it?  What the hell kind of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) prediction izzat?)

You have to read between the lines, (Aw, hell, Kelli…the way you blather on, We have enough trouble trying to figger out the lines their own selves.)

which isn’t entirely comfortable, but you can figure it out.  (Don’t MAKE Us come over there.)

 There seems to be a trend going on around you.  (That’s generally the way things go.  AssHat.)

(We would say “See what We did there?”, but Helen Keller saw what We did there, and wrote a song on the waffle iron for Marlee Matlin to sing about it.)

People are using their charm (Don’t’cha just hate people who only have one charm?)

to get what they want while you are doing things the old fashioned way — (Having the servants flog them senseless , then fling them over the parapet into the moat?)

(Hey, you do things YOUR old-fashioned way, We’ll do things OURS.)

(Lest you think We have neglected The Intertwining Of The Jokes, there are alligators in that there moat.)

you are working for them!  (Them who?)

Instead of getting yourself all worked up over this unfairness, why not consider joining in on the game?  (Because We left Our jockstrap at Brad Pitt’s house?)

After all, you have ten times more charm than anybody else has right now, (Aw, shucks.)

so why not utilize (Or use. Either one.)

 it to open doors, start conversation with important people, and help you get one step closer to reaching your goals?  (But then what would We complain about?)

If you’ve had something in mind for a while, romantically speaking, now’s the time to take some action.  (Indeed.  It is The Last Supper, after all.)

Go ahead and try out the online personals or a friendly fix-up, (A “friendly fix-up”, Kelli?  Seriously?  Like that’s NOT just a euFFFemism for fucking.)

and set some wheels in motion. (Big wheel keep on turnin’, Proud Mary keep on burnin’.)

(What?  If We shave BOTH legs, We can do Our Tina Turner impression.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.