Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for NotJustAnotherManicMonday, December 31th,
2012. Happy New Year’s Eve to Juan Anne
Dahl. We have SO much to Cher with you
today; this e-pissode is going to be jam-packed and fun-filled (ordinarily, at
this juncture, We would make a “fudge-packed” joke, but We are trying
ever-so-hard to be classy. (How the fuck are We doin’?))
This is Our 275th e-pissode of 2012!
That is an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! all-time record! And all at no extra charge to Our Gentle
Readers!
It is unclear to Us whether today or tomorrow
is the last day of Holidailies™ (for you naked skimmers, that would be the community
writing project in which We have been participating which encourages
blogginators to blogginate on a daily basis for the month of December ( http://www.holidailies.org/ )). But,
whichever day it is, We figgered We had better start sharing What We Learned
today.
Also, We will be doing an e-ncore
presentation of the very last Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! from 2011. Not, this time, to take the place of Our regularly-scheduled
e-pissode, but because We went and looked at it, and it’s a pretty funny
e-pissode (which, coincidentally, contains the origin of Our neologism (heh…We
said “gism”) “e-pissode”, amongst (many) other things. So, if you’re a newbie here from Holidailies™,
it will be new to you.
But first, completely out of left field (that’s
some kind of sports reference, innit?), as a treat for those of you who are
stuck in your workplaces today (and even for those of you who are not), here, from
the Rich White Boys With Too Much Time On Their Hands Department, is this (which
is, in case We were not yet clear enough, Safe For Work):
And now, on a more serious note (LA!), What
We’ve Learned From Holidailies™:
(We
just paused to open up Our 2013 calendar (because We have the attention span of
a gnat that’s been in the cooking sherry) and discovered that Kwanzaa ends
tomorrow. YouPeople never even told Us
it started. Dammit.)
We have been hearing about Holidailies™ for
years, and Our response always was, “Oh, We could never write something every
day like that!” This year, We finally realized
that We already practically were. (We’re
slow like that.) Still, We almost didn’t
participate, as We are familiar with the work of some of the other participants,
and We didn’t think Our oeuvres would exactly overlap. (Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We knew
what We were talking about. (Sort of.))
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We
mistyped “participants” in that paragraph in such a way as to point up the fact
that it contains the word “pants”. We
would make a joke about that, but We are trying to press on. (Insert Lee™ Press-On Nails joke here.))
Nevertheless, participate We did, with the
intention of writing every day. And We’d’ve
made it, too, if it weren’t for those pesky kidz. We only missed one day, and it was Our
initial intention to use the “you can post every 8 hours” loophole to go back
and fix that, but now We’ve decided not to.
We didn’t need Holidailies™, as some
participants do, to encourage Us to write more regularly. We were already producing Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
e-pissodes on quite a regular basis (albeit not actually “daily”, but
still). In fact, it has of late become
Our intention to scale back on Our Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! schedule, so that We
might devote time thus saved to several other writing projects, the one of which
We are willing to disclose at this time being the script for a one-bitch Starzina
show to be produced in 2013.
So, when the next Holidailies™ rolls around
(which, the way time currently flies, will be about a month from now), We
intend to play again, but with quality not quantity as Our manta ray’s mantra
from Monterrey (what the hell happened THERE?), and produce just as many
e-pissodes as We happen to produce.
If anyone has continued to read this far (or
if a naked skimmer happens to alight), We would like to take this opportunity to
thank the hosts of Holidailies™ for having Us.
Here is the link with which you may share Our
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video with your friends:
And here is the promised
E-ncore Presentation, all the way from December 30, 2011:
Who are you doing New Year’s, New Year’s Eve?
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for New Year’s Eve Eve,
Eve was weak, dirty pillows, etc. Today’s epistle will be somewhat
abbreviated, as We must be off to purchase pork and kielbasa. (We wish that
were (subjunctively) a euphemism, but sadly, it is not.)
We
just paused to ponder how one might actually abbreviate an epistle, and came up
with “episs”. Which led to further speculation on the fact that, prior to
the advent of computers, We just had plain old mail, and now We have
email. So presumably, back in the day, We had plain old pistles, and now
We have epistles. We do so hope these speculations don’t episs off the
Corinthians.
That
there was a little biblical humor. Much like the one about Mary Magdalene
and the whoopee cushion. Here is another bit of biblical humor that We
encountered on the WorldWideInterWebnetz this morning:
Church is pretty much a book club where they
assign the same book every week, but everyone still forgets to read it.
In
still other news, We are having serious SitOnMyFaceBook issues. We were
minding Our own business yesterday, attempting to update Our status by posting
the link to yesterday’s e-pistle and a quote from http://www.textsfromlastnight.comwhen
We noted that SOMFB was not so much letting Us post. Naturally, We tried
a number of times, and were finally informed that, due to some unspecified
infraction, We would have “limited access” for “a few days”. “Limited
access” apparently means that We can look at SOMFB, but We can’t post anything
or send any messages. Which pretty much defeats the whole purpose of
social media. We also discovered, buried deep in the SOMFB bylaws,
the fact that, because We tried to post repeatedly, “a few days” might mean any
damn thing. If anyone is looking for Us, We’ll be over on MySpace.
(At least We know there’ll be more people there than there are on Google+.)
So
could folks help a social media whore out and share Our Capricorn video with your
friends? Or stick it on your page? Or send it to the folks at the
Logo network and get Us a damn contract?
You
can share it using this:
You
can see it here:
Maybe
if We just offer Jesse Eisenberg a few biblical favors, We can find Our way out
of this mess.
And
now, Charlene Tilton reads John Milton to Paris Hilton. Alternatively,
The HorrorScope:
Make sure that you’re using
your energy in the right way (Blowing Jesse Eisenberg, yes?)
(Ooops….was
that vulgar? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
—
and that those around you are getting at least some of the benefit of it.
(Jesse Eisenberg won’t know what hit him. We can suck a golf ball through
a garden hose.)
(What
do We want?
A
cure for Tourette’s!
When
do We want it?
Cunt!)
(We
love that joke.)
You
should be able to help yourself as you help the world. (God helps those
who helps themselves, so We’ll help Ourself to another helping of Hamburger
Helper™.)
(Where
did that saying come from? We’re reasonably sure that Hamburger Helper™
isn’t in the bible. Loaves-and-Fishes Helper™, probably, and Manna
Helper™ almost definitely, but We’re pretty sure they didn’t kill the fatted
calf and mix it up with Hamburger Helper™. (They probably used
Manwich™.))
(Hey,
if RepubliKlan presidential candidates can make up what the bible says, so can
We.)
Someone
you usually have a real problem with is going to be a bigger part of this day
than you’d ideally like or so you think, (We can only IMAGINE what that
means. Presumably, We’ll wind up having to blow Mark Zuckerberg instead
of Jesse Eisenberg, when, all things considered, obviously…
…wait
for it…
…are
you ready?...
…We’d
rather be an Eisenberger helper™ than a Zuckerberger Helper™. (Oh, the
comedy! Our sides, they split; Our pants, We pee.))
but
the good news is (There’s good news?)
that
you will slowly find yourself getting to like their little idiosyncrasies as
the day moves forward. (Why is it that, as soon as somebody tries to dismiss
something as “a little idiosyncrasy”, it always turns out to be like
cannibalism, or pedophilia, or the Spanish Inquisition?)
Maybe
it’s the more flexible mood you’ve been in lately, maybe it’s the pleasant turn
in the weather, or maybe it’s just because you’re tired of being annoyed by
them. (Or maybe Justin Bieber’s pubes. (Hey, he’s seventeen. If We
ask him “que pasa?”, We can fuck him, as long as We eat him afterwards.))
(That
was a little “cannibalism, pedophilia, Spanish inquisition” joke. For all
of Our pervert readers.)
(We
used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then We realized We
were just beating a dead horse.)
Whatever
the reason, rejoice in the fact that the day’s frustration level will be low.
(That’s what Jesse Eisenberg said.)
Okay,
guys and gals, (“Gals”? Seriously? What the hell is it, 1957?)
it’s
time to set some goals. (You set the goals, Asshat; We’ll take care of the
goalies.)
Not
the kind at either end of the football field — the romantic kind, sillies!
(“Sillies”? Oh, it’s 1957 on Fire Island.)
Who
do you want to love, and when? (This is an Ass(tromalogical)
Ho(roscopulation)….you’re supposed to be telling Us.)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
