Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! We’re gonna be on Ed Sullivan!

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 12^rd  , 2013. (We’ll pause here, so you can savor just exactly how preposterous you sound, attempting to pronounce “12^rd” .)

Whoa…acid flashback!

So it appears that We have once again been remiss (Word Nerd Alert:  shouldn’t the “re-“ in “remiss” take care of the “once again” part?) in relying solely on SitOnMyFaceBook to inform Us of Our Gentle Readers’ birthdays, and, consequently, completely missed OurMizLOretta’s birthday on Sunday.  She turned, We know you will be surprised to hear, twenty-four, Somewhere In Suburbia.  So Happy Belated Birthday to OurMizLOretta.

Happy Actual Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin, Ethan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, somewhere in the wilds of Northern New Jersey, which is almost New York, but isn’t.

 Also, Happy Actual Birthday to Lisa, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Hampshire.  (New Hampshire, for those of Our Gentle Readers who are geographically challenged (much like Our Own Self)  is That State In New England That, Once You’ve Picked Out Maine, Massachusetts, And Connecticut, And Realized That You’ve Overlooked Rhode Island Again, Isn’t Vermont.)

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Actual Birthday to Miss Liz, who turns twenty-four today, mercifully right here in The City That Loves You(On Your) Back, so We don’t have to do any more geography.

Apparently, We slept through the first snowflakes of the season earlier, and the less said about THAT, the better.

Shortly after getting up, We received a text which said, and We quote: “M km, tzxs.”  So thanks for clearing THAT up.

We should also mention, lest you thought We were finished plugging Ourself (We HAVE to plug Ourself…no one else will) that LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  is actually going on tour!  We shall be at Vagabond Acting Troupe’s Arts House Theater, somewhere called Honey Boo Boo, Pennsylvania, which, as near as We can tell from a map, appears to be in Amish country.  You can find all the particulars regarding Our gig next Sunday, November 17, here: 

https://www.facebook.com/events/596376880428754/ .

Is Starzina gonna rock Zebediah’s Rumspringa, or what?

And now, the HorrorScope:

The Biggest Waste Of Space In Hollywood, Miss Anne Hathaway’s birthday is today.  Also, Charles Manson. (Newer Gentle Readers may wish to peruse Our review of Miss Anne Hathaway’s Oscar™-winning performance here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html (You ARE all mentally saying “Miss Anne Hathaway” as though it were (subjunctively) “Miss Jane Hathaway”, aren’t you?))

It’s a good day to help out around the office or at home — you are better off assisting others than tackling your own projects.  (Which, since We are all alone here, would appear to mean that We should go directly back to bed.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Things are just about to change, (And, proverbially, the more they do that, the more they’ll stay the same.  Is puzzlement.)

though, so don’t get in too deep!  (How deep exactly is too deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

It’s much better to run the risk of looking a bit naive in the beginning than end up feeling entirely clueless.  (For some reason, We have just imagined a news program entitled Naïve At Five.  Which is wrong on any number of levels, and yet right as well.)

You tend to get frustrated  when you don’t know exactly what’s expected of you. (The period in that sentence works equally well after “frustrated”.)

If the person giving you directions or instructions isn’t being clear about what your role is, (So wait…We AREN’T the very model of a modern major general?)

(We could tell that what you were all thinking was that this horoscope could use some Gilbert and Sullivan.  (Little did We know that you actually meant SARA Gilbert and ED Sullivan.))

don’t hesitate to speak up (WOOF!)

(We’re a woofer, not a tweeter.)

and let them know you need clarification.  (More and more lately, We need Aunt Clarification.)

Visions of the future don’t just happen in fiction!  (Visions of the fiction, on the other hand, happen only in the future.)

(Also, the plane in Bahrain lands mainly on Miss Jane.)

(No, We DON’T have any idea what We’re talking about…what was your first clue?)

If you find yourself having extremely vivid dreams over the next few days, pay careful attention.  (We had a dream last night that had Bill Cosby in it.  We have no idea why.  He wasn’t nearly as old and cranky as he actually is.)

If your latest crush shows up in them, it’s likely that they’re about to make an appearance in your waking life.  (Which is, of course, not to be confused with “your wanking life”.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It started with a whisper

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, December 14, 2012.  Is it just Us, or has there been a real dearth of birthdays on Earth of late?  Even on SitOnOurFaceBook, none of Our 900+ nearest and dearest friends seem to have been being born this week.  Sure, there was that one day with four or five birthdays, but other than that, nada.  What’s an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) to do?

In other news, We were afforded a sneak-peek at Our upcoming Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN  video, which was shot at the Time of the Month Horoscope holiday party.  While it is not French New Wave, We think you will enjoy it when it appears. Here, meanwhile, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video (which IS French New Wave…because We are just that autistic..er, artistic) with your friends.  Thanks to OurMizCatherine for doing exactly that the other day.:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Warm kisses on your opening to the folks over at Heavy Metal Dance Fag.  Here is where to get tickets, which, We are told, are inexplicably still available:

http://www.annenbergcenter.org/tickets/?id=265#

And now, ladies and gerbils, direct from the tweet factory at Twatter, she’s Helen!  She’s deaf, dumb, and blind! (You all got that that was Our Ed Sullivan impression, yes?)

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

The grass is greener on the other side? What the hell is green, and where is the other side?

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I --- Awkward.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I really like this boy at school but he keeps playing hard to find.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Nostradamus’s birthday.  But then you knew that already.

Your rep is in dispute today, (Also, Our house is in ill-repute.)

and you may need to step back a little from your planned activities in order to correct the record.  (Oh, please.  We have already corrected the record.  Now, We are rewinding the eight-track tape.)

Things are sure to get a little wild, (Which would seem to be an excellent time to conjure a mental image of Kevin Bacon’s bacon at the end of Wild Things.)

but you need to make sure people know the truth!  (You can’t handle the truth!)

Someone thinks something about you that just isn’t true, (Oh, Kelli.  Your prognostimacations are always about the laser-beam pin-point accuracy, aren’t they?  AssHat.)

and as soon as you find out about it today you need to help them see the truth. (Alternatively, We could help them see To Tell the Truth.)

Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is a big ol’ dicksmoker.)

(Heh.  Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

just making the effort to talk to this person and answer their questions should be enough to clarify any confusion they had about who you are or what you are about.  (If One clarifies confusion, it wouldn’t be confusion any more, would it?   We’re confused.  Please clarify. (We are torn between a riff about clarifying butter, and an Aunt Clara-fy joke.  So We’re choosing neither.))

(That there was one of Our infamous behind-the-scenes looks at the inner workings of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Fascinating, no?)

Being responsive is all it really takes to gain their confidence.  (How can We be responsive, when We were never sponsive in the first place?)

An unusual setting, a peculiar circumstance or a dark horse amid the crowd is likely to emerge today, freeing up your mind and your heart. (A horse?  Seriously?)

The stars favor traveling in new circles, (Traveling in circles is a description of going nowhere, yes?)

so latch on to this blossoming possibility (We were going to say that “Blossoming Possibility” was Our nickname in high school, but then We remembered that it was actually “A Very Special E-Pissode Of Blossoming Possibility”.)

 and go with it.  (Remind Us what “it” is again?)

(You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan, we’re gonna be on Ed Sullivan!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 28, 2012.  Well, This Was The Most Worthless Week That Was is grinding to a close here at Casa de Convalescent Home For Chesty Cough.  (Chesty Cough, you will recall from yesterday’s e-pissode, is a porn star extraordinaire.  (Not, mind you, that We believe you've read yesterday’s e-pissode.  Or any of this week’s, as a matter of fact.  The paucity, scarcity, and dearth of get-well-wishes alone is evidence thereof. Sigh.))

In fact, We weren’t even going to exert Ourselves (how many of Us are there?) today, but We did just have to share the following.  Which is just one more proof that We really do know all the coolest people everywhere.  (Of course, most of them won’t return Our phone calls, but still…We know them!  The restraining orders prove that!)

So here, ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, is the first single released by Scary Mary and the Audio Corsette, all the way from the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts (is anyone else hearing this in Ed Sullivan’s voice?), “Set Her Free”:

Meanwhile, from The Complete And Utter Coincidence Department, We only learned after We said the preceding that today is Ed Sullivan’s birthday.  (However, We created today’s title at the very end.)

He would have been a hundred and eleven years old.  If he weren’t (subjunctively) ya know, dead.

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far…We’re fairly certain We shall be able to train Chesty Cough to blow smoke rings and shoot ping pong balls through the centers of them by the time Scorpio rolls around:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In other birthday news, it is Moon Unit Zappa’s birthday today.  She is forty-five, and still has not apparently learned that it is possible to change one’s name.  Also, for those of you who thought there were only three Jonas Brothers (and why you would be thinking about any such thing, We haven’t got any idea), We are here to tell you that, much like Jimmy Osmond (who?), there exists a much-younger Jonas Brother named Frankie, who is celebrating his twelfth birthday today.  We include him here because of his oh-so-adorable nickname, Bonus Jonas, and his not-so-adorable-nickname-that-We-just-made-up, The Condom Broke Jonas.

You need to lend a hand today — someone really needs you, and you can get a lot more done helping others than you can on your own projects.  (Did We or did We not plug Scary Mary and the Audio Corsette earlier?  Completely unbidden, We might add.  It’s as if We’re psychic.  Also, as if We know stuff that’s going to happen before it happens.  (Yes, We already used that joke today, but it was in a text to one other person.  We believe in recycling here at Erix Daily Horoscope.))

It’s one of those days when you’re aiding, not leading.  (If We are aiding, We bet We are also abetting.  (We’re so lyrical, it’s a miracle!  (Also, We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.)))

Try not to get involved in anything that confuses you today (We may have to go back to bed then.)

— it’s only going to lead to frustration. (So much for the back to bed idea…)

This isn’t a great day for learning new tasks or starting new projects. (We’ve already folded the laundry from yesterday…howzzat?)

Your mind won’t be able to focus quickly (Sorry…did you say something?)

 on adapting to new methods or ideas.  (We had a new idea once.  Died of loneliness, it did.)

 If you feel that you’re unclear about a rule or a law, get clarity immediately!  (Also, Get Christie Love!)

Ask someone in the know what the real deal is, (And ask Richard Simmons what the real deal-a-meal is.)

(When an eel bites your heel while it’s copping a feel, that’s a moray.)

and don’t be worried about looking like you don’t know what you’re doing. (Wait…you mean all We have to do is LOOK like We know what We’re doing?)

It’s time to put up or shut up. (Grow up or throw up.  Buck up or fuck up. Pick up or hiccup.  (That there is one of those multi-purpose sentences.))

You’ve been cutting a certain person some slack for a little too long. (Why is “slacks” plural?  It’s not like you can have just one of them.)

Mercy is one thing, but being a doormat is another. (The girl with the face that says “welcome”, that men can wipe their feet on.  (Name that musical, theatre fagz.))

It’s time to establish a brand new pattern in your relationships.  (Paisley!  Houndstooth!  Tartan plaid!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.