That's because he's smarter than the average bear.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Wednesday, January 16, 2013.  (Wasn’t it just Wednesday recently?  Like about a week ago?  Funny, that.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny: you wouldn’t think she was the type of girl to have learned to shoot ping-pong balls out of THERE”.)  Happy Hump Day, or, as Theda Bara once said, “It’s like déjà vu all over again”.  Silent fillum aficionados will recall that she said that in a silent fillum in which she stole a picnic basket.   We cannot, unfortunately, recall the name of said silent fillum at the moment, but perhaps one of Our Gentle Readers will refresh Our memory.

Urban Dictionary just informed Us of this: Studies show that people are 72.9% more likely to believe sentences that start with “Studies show…”.  Also, 84.3 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.

So, speaking of fillums, we are supposed to be speaking of fillums.  In fact, We have been threatening to speak about fillums for two days now.  We have been a proud union member of the American Federation of Television  and Radio Artists (AFTRA) for many years now.  In 2012, AFTRA merged with the Screen Actors’ Guild (SAG), so now We are a proud member of that, as well.  And, just recently, DVDs have started appearing in Our post…in anticipation of the upcoming SAG Awards, We are being sent copies of fillums in current release For Our Consideration.

We would like to draw your attention to one fillum in particular:  Silver Linings Playbook.  We aren’t going to tell you anything about it, as We knew nothing about it when We sat down to watch it, except that Robert DeNiro was in it, as was Bradley Cooper, although We weren’t entirely sure who Bradley Cooper was.  But we shall tell you that you must see this fillum at your first opportunity, and We do not think Our opinion was in any way influenced by the presence of An Attractive Gentleman Caller From The Wrong Team.  And naturally, YouPeople always do everything We tell you to.

Please  share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn  video with a friend.  (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

In other fillum news unrelated to Our Consideration For The SAG Awards, We attempted to slog through whatever the latest Batman atrocity is called (The Dark Knight Does Something Allegedly Different Than The Crap He Did In The Previous Atrocity ?). Unfortunately, Christian Bale is no more Batman than We are, there was some animatronic supervillain with an unexplained metal face, and not even the presence of Our future ex-husband Joseph Gordon-Levitt could get Us through more than forty-five minutes of this three-hour abortion.

On a positive note, We highly recommend Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs.

See?  That wasn’t nearly as painful as you thought it would be.  And We know all y’all just can’t wait till We’ve seen Les Miz.

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In other news, what could possibly go wrong on Ethel Merman’s birthday?  (Please don’t answer that.)

This is not the best day to start something new — especially if any paperwork needs to be signed!   (What Kelli is probably trying to tell Us is that Mercury is in retrograde.  Which might be easier to say by saying, say, “Mercury is in retrograde”.  AssHat.)

(This just in:  apparently, Conrad Bain just died at 89.  Consequently, here’s this (which IS safe for work):

)

Just try to push things forward one more day so you can review and get a better sense of what’s expected of you.   (Wait…We’re expecting?  So THAT explains why nothing fits!  The old Immaculate Contraption trick.)

 Negative energy has been growing in your social circle, and today it will still be unclear as to what you can do to fix it.  (Something was unclear yesterday as well, wasn’t it?  There are only so many times We are willing to do the same damn joke, Kelli.  (Fortunately, We have yet to reach the limit of however many times that is.))

You need to stop examining the tension so closely and try to put it out of your mind.   (Mmm-hmm.  Like if We say, “don’t think about pink elephants”, what’s the first thing you’re gonna think about?  ExACTly.)

Let this problem unravel. (Or knot.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

 A solution will reveal itself on its own timetable.  (We have a coffeetable, but no endtables.  Where the hell is the timetable?  (Bill Cosby played Cliff Huxtable, but the relevance of that is debatable.))

It might even blow over soon and you’ll never even know what the deal was. (Oh, no, ya don’t.  We’re not blowing anybody unless We KNOW what the deal is.)

You’ll just sense that the negativity has gone (No it hasn’t.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

and that everyone is smiling and happy with each other again. (If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.)

Try to keep all your communication strictly platonic for the time being.  (Since we’re mainly talking to Ourself, that shouldn’t be a problem.)

Offers of assistance are perfect, but just stay low-key, get to know people better and give your karma a little boost at the same time. (Lance needs a bump!!! (Only a few people will get that joke, but too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I’m a little bit country

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Montag, June 18, 2012.  “Montag” is, of course, German for “what the fuck happened to the weekend?”  (“Maytag” is German for “you spent it doing laundry, dummkopf”.  (That last bit just sprang forth from Us, fully formed, like Athena from Zeus’s forehead.  (Remind Us to come back later and put a foreskin joke in here.) Sometimes ya work really hard for the funny, and sometimes it just comes to ya.))

She works hard for the funny, so hard for it, honey, she works hard for the funny so ya better treat her right…

That there was a little disco to get your Monday morning moving.  Just in case your Metamucil™ hadn’t kicked in yet.

So was anyone else not told that the WorldWideInterWebNetz were closing down for the weekend?  Saturday wasn’t so bad, but Sunday…Jeebus!  The InterNetz are creepy when you’re the only one there.  There were tumblin’ tumbleweeds, We’re tellin’ ya.  If ya played a YouTube video, it echoed.  There was only one Angry Bird.  All the porn was masturbation.  Scaaaaarrrryyyyy….

But you’re all back now, right?  (Who let all those crickets in here?)

Meanwhile, in Our very own City Paper (hi, Sara!), We saw an ad for “Semen Donors”.  Who knew you could place an ad for that? It even specified that they be between 18 and 35.  It didn’t say what they had to look like, but presumably that would get sorted out on the interview.  We shall be placing Our very Own ad immediately…finally, Our social life will be looking up!

And not a moment too soon…We never did make it on Our promised trip to Saskatoon this weekend.  (Most of you will remember Saskatoon from the old Bob Seger toon (heh) of the same name:  “Sas-ka-toon…that’s really, really where I’m goin’ to…if I ever get outta here, I’m going to Saskatoon…”)

We apologize…that whole last bit was an inside joke.  Speaking of inside jokes, here’s an inside joke punchline:  “Find the keys, and We’ll drive out”.

Heh.  We kill Us.

Here is an actual joke, in its entirety:

A guy comes home from work to see his girlfriend crying and packing all her stuff.  When he asks her what’s wrong, she sobs that she is leaving him because she just found out that he is a pedophile.  With a look of disbelief, he steps back and says, "Whoa! That’s a big word for a twelve-year-old!"

And, for the theatrically-minded amongst you, here’s this honest theatrical playbill:  http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-honest-theatrical-playbill

We spent much of the weekend thinking of things, and saying, “We must put that in the horoscope.”  Can We think of any of those things now?  No, We cannot.

We used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then We realized we were just beating a dead horse.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(According to Kelli, it is someone called Blake Shelton’s birthday today.  It is unclear to Us who that is, but he is unattractive and needs a shave.  (We have just Googled Mister Shelton on Wikipedia, and discovered that he is a country singer.  Which led us to wonder (as things do) whether other countries have country music.  And what other countries’ country music might sound like…say, for example, in Belize.  What does country music sound like in Belize?  Or in Chad? (It now occurs to Us, parenthetically, that those are Two Very Gay Countries.  Belize sounds like a drag queen, and Chad is a gay porn star.)  Let’s try this again…what does country music sound like in Bangladesh…now that’s making Us think of that old movie, inexplicably about baseball, called Bangladesh Slowly…))

(Let’s just abandon all that, shall We?  It was all much too much like work, anyway.  We were initially going to ask what country music was like in Kuala Lumpur, but then the InterNetz informed Us that Kuala Lumpur is a city, not a country.  Who knew?  The InterNetz also disabused Us of the notion that Bangladesh Slowly was a made-for-TV movie.  Apparently, it had Robert De Niro in it.  Now THAT was a makeup job.)

(If We were (subjunctively) a country singer, they would, of course, say of Us, “she puts the ‘cunt’ in ‘country’”.   Which is why We have refrained from that particular pursuit.  Well, that and Our gingham allergy. (Doesn’t “Gingham Allergy” sound like a character name from something?  The mink-clad wife of the chairman of the board in some 50s movie?))

(Our mind is a terrible thing to waste.  (Meanwhile, We are NEVER wasted when We write these e-pisstles.  This is Us (well, We) stone-cold sober.  Party with THAT thought.))

Clarity is absolutely everything today (Well, except for the little part that is Lady Clairol™.)

— communication depends on it, (That’s not the only thing with Depends™ on it.)

(If you pissed it then you shoulda put Depends™ on it…(Kiss Us quick, We’re geriatric Beyoncé.))

and so do your plans!  (And your pants!  (We’re pretty sure we’ve lost the thread.))

Make sure that you know what you want to say before you say it, (You think We PLAN what We’re gonna say in here?  BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!)

as you only get one chance.  (And We consistently blow it.  (Where’s them semen donors?))

All eyes will be on you today, but don’t succumb to stage fright  (Have you met Us?  We do not “succumb”.)

— these eyes belong to very friendly, supportive people.  (Well, We still ain’t givin’ ‘em back.)

It looks as though this is one of those critical points you’ve been waiting for although you might not even have realized it. (Oh, please.  Let’s not start listing all the things We haven’t realized, or We’ll be here all week.)

You may be called to the stage to make an acceptance speech; be sure to have something genuine prepared. (Does a tasteful cocktail count?)

Use your time in the limelight to make big things start happening.  (PUBLIC semen donation?  Don’t mind if We do.)

You might want to head to a tearjerker matinee (Heh…Kelli said “jerker”.)

or have a session with the punching bag — you’ve got some internal goings-on that are going to come out one way or another.  (That was a whole lotta euphemism packed into one little sentence, young lady.)

Why not enjoy it?  (That’s why We placed the ad in the first place.  Semen donors…they’re not just for breakfast any more.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.