If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, February 15, 2013.

We will be playing The VD Match Game tonight and tomorrow at 7:30 at L’Etage.  We trust We shall see you there.  The doors open at 7.  You can buy tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 or buy them at the door.  Which We will be working, because We’re classy like that.

 We notice that no one could be bothered to participate in Our contest yesterday.  Presumably you are saving up all of your energies for The VD Match Game.  Here, for those who nakedly skimmed past it, is the set-up for said contest:

“Speaking of Monsieur Johnny Depp (sigh), this is an historic Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! occasion for another reason.  Our Google-O-Meter™’s Google-O-Metrix™, by way of the handy and dandy index off to the right there, inform Us that today marks Our one-hundredth mention of Monsieur Depp within these hallowed pages.  As there are currently about seven hundred of these e-pisstles here in Bloggonia, that means that, if We had (subjunctively) been writing these every day of the week for a hundred weeks, We would have mentioned Monsieur Depp every Thursday, say, despite Monday’s child being fair of face which seats five, and despite still wearing Our Tuesday panties.  Do you follow?

You do?  God bless Us and save Us!  (That was pretty Papal, wunnit?)  So here’s a little game, especially for Our long-time Gentle Readers.  In addition to Monsieur Depp, there are twelve other celebrities who appear in our index more than twenty times.  (Any analogy to Jesus and the twelve apostles is purely intentional.  (Hey, Wer’e gonna be the fuckin’ Pope…are you gonna tell Us We’re wrong?))  Without cheating by looking off to the right there, how many can you name?  Leave your answers in the comments below.  (Here’s a hint:  Anne Frank, who has already been referenced in today’s e-pissode, isn’t one of them.)  We’ll supply answers tomorrow.”

It being the aforementioned tomorrow, here are the answers in question:

Charlene Tilton (81) If you don’t remember that period, you either have skid marks on your naked skimmer or you’re very, very new.

Justin Bieber (77) And, just because We’re especially cranky this morning, here’s his video:

Helen Keller (64) We’d’ve thought that number would be larger, but seeing is Beliebing.

Cher (41) We don’t really talk about Cher as much as We probably should, but We do have a propensity for saying “Cher and Cher alike”.

(See that there?  “Propensity”.  Smart people are hot, no?)

Charles Nelson Reilly (35) No comment.

Prince Harry (32) Won’t Charles be pleased to see himself on top of Prince Harry?

(Is anyone else now imagining an especially ribald set of new lyrics to the children’s song “On Top Of Spaghetti”?   Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

(See that there?  “Ribald”.  Smart people…oh, never mind.)

Willam Belli (30) Willam is the only bona fide celebrity that We actually know, so We are thinking that a mere thirty mentions in just over three years shows admirable restraint.  Or Admiral Nelson’s taint.  One of those. (Meanwhile, didja know that if you say “bona fide” with a southern accent it sounds like “boner fried”?  Seriously.  Try it right now.  We’ll wait.)

(See?)

 Prince William (29) We used to mention him way more in Our pre-Bloggonia days, but then he started looking like his dad and got all married and shit, and his brother suddenly got way hotter.  (Who the hell’s voice was THAT?)

Justin Timberlake (26)  We have no idea.

William Shakespeare (23)  Because We are SO classy, you’ll be tempted to eat Us with a fork.

Uma Thurman (22) This is another one where We’d’ve thought the number would be way higher.  We feel like We say that all the time.

Gene Rayburn (21) Because, did We mention, We will be playing The VD Match Game tonight and tomorrow at 7:30 at L’Etage.  We trust We shall see you there.  The doors open at 7.  You can buy tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 or buy them at the door.  Which We will be working, because We’re classy like that.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Today is Harold Arlen’s birthday.  Arlen, of course, wrote the gay national anthem Over the Rainbow.  Speaking of gay, it is also Cesar Romero’s birthday.

You’re blazing new trails (Is that your way of saying We’re flaming?)

(On a scale of one to Cesar-Romero-in-his-Joker-costume, how flaming would that be?)

and making the world more fun today (Who can turn the world on in argyle?  Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all Gomer Pyle?)

(Sorry.)

 — even if you’re just going about your daily business.  (POOP!)

Your tremendous personal energy (Oh, please.)

keeps things lively and engaging for all!  (Engaged?  We haven’t even been out of Our house with another human being since the last week of January.)

You can make huge strides forward today (In these shoes?)

— if you let your ambition take over. (Just don’t mix up Ambien™ with your ambitchin’.)

It can lead you to a success you have deserved for a long time, but you’re going to have to swallow your pride in order to follow it. (Honey, We have swallowed things a lot bigger than Our pride.)

When you show you can be a team player (There may be no “I” in “team”, but there is a big “U” in “Uranus”.)

and work for the greater good, those in power take notice — and they will be impressed by your selflessness.  (What?  Are We not supposed to be Ourself?  Who, then, shall We be?  Shall We be a clown?  Does all the world truly love a clown?)

(Ya know, if We went back over that and made all of Our pentameters iambic, that would be almost downright fucking Shakespearean.  GodDAMN, We be classy!)

Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

if some day quite soon they ask you to step up and take on bigger responsibilities.  (Oh, sure…pretend it’s OUR responsibility.  We’re just here to be your damn scapegoat.)

Country line dancing, anyone?  (What da fuq you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?  We be playin’ da got-damn VD Match Game.  Country line dancing, Our black ass!)

An offbeat social event (What’s that?  A Naked Skimmers Anonymous meeting?)

is certain to be packed with cool people (So is a morgue.)

— and it comes with a built-in icebreaker!  (Well, ya got Us there.)

Check the net for local events and check ’em out! (Oh, yes, by all means.  Lettuce just toddle on over to Wikipedia, and Google “local events”, and We’ll just see how THAT works out.)

(AssHat.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Toonzday, October 30, 2012.  We noticed last Toonzday, but forgot to mention, mention, bring to your attention, the fact that, if One says “Toonzday” out loud, One sounds like a ‘tard.  G’head, try it, We’ll wait.

See?

Happy birthday, meanwhile, to Lindsay, who turns twenty-four today.

Here at Casa de CrotchRot, We are counting Our blessings.  But fear not…We shan’t let Our joy at having thus weathered the storm impact your reading pleasure by preventing Us from complaining.  For example, after completing yesterday’s e-pisstle, in which We believe We mentioned that We had half-assedly lugged half of the contents of Our dungeon…er, basement up to the first floor, We betook the other half of Our ass to Our dungeon…er, basement and finished the job.  Now, of course, said half-assed lugging must be reversed.

Some play on words involving “luggage” wants to be here.  Could someone do something about that for Us? KThxBye.

Micro$oft Weird™ continues to attempt to inform Us that “assedly” is not a word.  We continue not to care.  If you happen to have seen Our ass lately, you are well aware that half Our ass is big as a nun.

What?

In addition to the aforementioned lugging reversal, We must also accomplish those tasks We postponed, as they would be do-able during  power outage. One example being emptying the dishwasher. Although We can probably dispense with reading most of the Sunday paper.

However, before any of that, We are going to put on some clothes and get the FUCK out of this house, preferably by going somewhere where We can see other human beings.

Meanwhile, does anyone know the producers of Hoarders, or whatever that show is called?  Because before We lug all this crap back where it belongs, We could totes mcgotes film an e-pissode of that shizz in here.

(Yes, We DID just say “totes mcgotes”.  AND “shizz”.  Hey, YouPeople left Us here all alone.)

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the following is happening tomorrow, which is, as you know, Halloween.  We will see you there, won’t We?  :

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, despite all the gloomy news, it is, after all, Ivanka Trump’s birthday.  So there’s that.

Patience may not be one of your strong suits, but you can still bust it out now and then when the situation demands it. (We?  Are an Aries.  ANY Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) who DIDN’T get her certification from the back of a matchbook cover by drawing Binky would know that We don’t HAVE any patience.   And any writer for whom Engrish is not her fourteenth language would know that patience is not something one “busts out”. Shut. Up. Kelli.)

See if you can just smile and nod when people propose inane ideas today.  (We had an idea once.  It died of loneliness.)

Today, make sure you have important conversations face to face — especially if they involve finances or major purchases!   (Why would We want to purchase a major, when We could save up and purchase a general?  Or, better yet, some privates.)

(That joke juts begged to be told.  BEGGED.  And if there’s one thing We can’t resist, it’s a begging joke.)

It could be so easy to just click your way to a new gadget online, (Wait…you mean there’s one newer than Gadget Goes Hawaiian?)

but it’s not wise. (Speaking of Gidget, We once played Chicklet in Psycho Beach Party. Now, We’d be lucky if they’d let Us play her mother.  Sigh.)

You need to be able to ask questions, (Why?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 read body language, (Lettuce hear your body talk, your body talk.)

and understand the tone of someone’s voice.  (Marcel Marceau, fer instance.)

You also have to consider that sometimes people use email or texting to back out of commitments without having to explain why. (Because people are lying liars who lie, THAT’S why.)

 You deserve explanations, so make sure you get them.  (How can it be a explanation, if it was never a planation in the first place?)

Go ahead and charm that new person (Do you dare Us?)

— little do they know that your seemingly casual line of inquiry is helping you find out who they are and what they think. (Also, We know what they did last summer. (Here’s a hint:  it was Ryan Phillippe.))

Their favorite movies can tell you everything. (Gadget Goes to Rome?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Yes, We have no bananas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMaddeningNaturalDisasterMonday, October 29, 2012.  Happy Bank Holiday to Our Irelandish readers.  And Happy FrankenStorm to Our readers on The Right Coast.  Here at Casa de CrackPot, We are feeling secure and loved, as Comcast has just robo-called Us to warn Us against going out and playing with any downed electrical wires.  They caught Us in the nick of time…We already had Our playclothes on.

Yesterday, We half-assedly hauled half of Our worldly possessions up from Our basement, much as We did just last year.  A proceeding which was every bit as boring as it sounds, except for the part involving the Christmas tree and decorations, which We referred to (yes, We were talking to Ourself…We’re all alone here, with no man man man man manly man on whom to rely; who ELSE are We gonna talk to?) as “saving Christmas”.  Assuming this storm eventually passes, do not be surprised if you come to OurHouseWhereWeLive next weekend and find said Christmas tree up and decorated.

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that “assedly” is not a word.  How jack-assedly izzat?)

This just in from Our foreign correspondent in Das Hinterlands, Aileen: “Walmart has no bananas.  They have no bananas today.”

In still other news, We finished Our first draft of the dreaded murder mystery this weekend, completely on schedule and with the approval of those who commissioned it.  More on that story as it develops.

In other up-to-the-minute developments, Our mail just arrived.  Through rain and snow and sleet and hail, indeed!  Our mailman?  (Male mail male mail manly mailman)…was wet.  If you had ever (subjunctively) SEEN Our mailman (Male mail male mail manly mailman), you would know that that is how We always picture him.  Wet, that is.  And with most of his uniform torn away.

Excuse Us for a moment…we require Our smelling salts.

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the following is happening on Wednesday (assuming (thereby making a sumo wrestler out of Uma Thurman’s ass) We have not all been killed by FrankenStorm).  We will see you there, won’t We?  :

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Winona Ryder’s birthday.  We trust that she is celebrating on The LEFT Coast.  Here is a little music video in her honor:

(You DID know that Winona had a big brown beaver, didn’t you?)

Get in line — or start one!   (We would love to DO one (a line, that is), but who needs to be extra-awake for the next two days?)

You need to push yourself out in the forefront of activity today, and that could mean that you find new ways to show the world how amazing you really are.  (Just wait till the world sees Us play with downed electrical wires!)

 A friend who has been all talk and no action has been getting on your nerves for some time now — it could be time to make a decision about them.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We could seriously use some action.)

You don’t need people in your life who disappoint you over and over again. Have a talk with them today, and find out what’s been behind all of their empty promises. Stop giving them ‘one more chance’ and don’t be afraid to cut them loose from your life. They need you much more than you need them.  (Okay, Number One, how depressing wuzzat?  And B., the likelihood of Us seeing any other people today, except possibly out of Our window as they blow by, is practically nil.  So Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Any awkward social scenes you fear will not materialize, so don’t worry.  (Well, there’s a safe bet.  Because any social scenes AT ALL ain’t gonna materialize till at least Wednesday.)

 You’re not going to hold back, whether it’s an opinion, a compliment or even serious flirtation — or maybe all three rolled up into one awesome package.  (And tied up with a downed-electrical-wire bow.)

Your energy is terrific, so go ahead and make it happen.  (Whatever.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.