Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, June 4st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Colin, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Colin is
one of the most beautiful people We have ever been privileged to encounter in
real life.
What?
Not EVERYTHING is a joke.
Okay, here’s a joke:
Once upon
a time I was falling in love,
Now I'm
only falling apart.
There's
nothing I can do;
I totally
shit when I fart.
We have been meaning to Cher that with you
for several days now, but apparently it was meant to age like fine wine
first. Kiss Us quick, We’re Bonnie
Tyler.
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with
bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival
of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Langston Hughes.
(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Although
apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader
actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Langston Hughes as Yitzhak? (As if you actually know what Langston Hughes looks like. (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We
were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our
video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with
your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js
))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that
get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Angelina Jolie’s birthday today. Which is actually helpful. Str8 boi readers, if you were (subjunctively)
to see Angelina Jolie in real life? That’s
what seeing Colin is like.
Again, not everything is a joke.
Okay, so here come the ramblings of Kelli,
AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…what’s the opposite of “extraordinaire”?
It’s easy for you to dream up new ideas today
(Oh, We have no shortage of ideas!
Energy, ambition, finances…now THERE We have shortages.)
—
creativity is your best asset! (On a
related note, is a small ass an “assette”?
If so, what’s a large ass?)
(Who said “Jumbotron™”?)
Follow up anything that sounds good and see
where you end up. (Is it wrong that We just started singing, “Follow the yellow
prick’s load”? Because if that’s wrong,
We are apparently incapable of being right.)
You may need to coax someone who’s a bit
timid. (It’s not so much “rape” as it is
“surprise sex”.)
You’ve been pushing hard, but take care that
in the quest for success you don’t lose sight of what’s most precious to you. (In the quest for success, wouldn’t said
success be the most precious thing? What
the fuck are you talking about, Kelli?)
Are you planning to work again during your
free time? (No, but We ARE planning to
twist again, like We did last summer.)
(AssHatt.)
An afternoon in the woods, (Someone told Us a
story the other day (hi, Jonathan!) about getting lost in the woods. It didn’t sound very amusing. (The experience, not the story. The story was amusing, because We didn’t have
to actually BE in the woods.))
at an amusement park (Also unamusing? Amusement parks. AreWeRight?)
(Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “unamusing”
is not a word. So what IS the word,
then? Nonamusing? Disamusing?
Kelli?)
or even just picnicking in the backyard can
make an enormous difference in everyone’s spirits. (Only if you bring plenty of spirits along.)
Today is a great one to do something
spontaneous! (Fine! How’s four o’clock for you? Can We schedule some spontaneity for four o’clock?)
Take the afternoon off for some fun in the
sun, (If you’re gonna have “fun in the sun”, you need to take off more than the
afternoon. Just sayin’.)
or
plan an adventure with friends. (Gene
Hackman, Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine…)
Just don’t sit on the couch and let life pass
you by. (Would that We could sit on Our assette. Alas, We fear We have entered Jumbotron™ territory…)
Get involved!
(Not until you tell Us how to get exvolved when We’re done.)
Aries
Love has been compared to many, many things,
but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot
its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
Taurus
Although it's true that violence never solves
anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many
situations.
Gemini
The say that it's not how well the bear
dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of
insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
Cancer
You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel
between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but
unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
Leo
Okay, the stars realize that last week's
prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that
impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
Virgo
The old saying that there are no second acts
in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more
concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
Libra
You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an
entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said
item in less than an hour.
Scorpio
You'll soon provide proof that a small,
dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented
moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
Sagittarius
Your week will be so varied, interesting, and
surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write
"heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
Capricorn
This will be a good week to renew the bonds
of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the
basement water heater.
Aquarius
While it's true that only God can judge you,
it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
Pisces
Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there
was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret
that would make your life better.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
