She just loved my big ten inch record of her favorite blues

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For That ‘Not-So-Fresh’ Feeling), May 15^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Sweetbreadstudios, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We were not even going to e-pisstlize today, but then We learned that it is National Hummus Day (or is it National Hummer Day?…We are easily confused…)  And would We leave you un-e-pisstlized on National Hummus Day (or National Hummer Day)?  We would NOT.

Co-inky-dinkally, We were recently asked for Our hummus recipe on SitOnMyFaceBook.  (We have not been asked for Our hummer recipe for years.)  So We thought We would share it with Our Gentle Readers here as well:

Hummus bi Tahini (We have no idea what’s so “bi” about it; We have certainly shared it with people of any number of sexual preferences.)

My "recipe" is very like somebody's grandmother's, but here ya go:

(all quantities are "to taste")

1 15-16 oz can garbanzo beans
1/4-1/3 C tahini
2-3 Tbsp lemon juice
2-3 Tbsp olive oil (use more if it is too thick once blended)
2-4 cloves garlic, minced
1-2 tsp ground cumin

Mash that all together (I have used a potato masher or a hand mixer, but I now have an immersion blender which makes it so much easier). Thin with olive oil if it is too thick. Add salt/seasoned salt/ Adobo to taste, as well as hot sauce/cayenne/paprika if you want a kick. Garnish with chopped parsley and/or scallions.

The initial request came from Katy (hi, Katy!) and the recipe was approved by OurMizCatherine and Our Sistah Ovella.  (Hi, Catherine!  Hi, Ovella!)

John, (whom, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) We have seen naked) meanwhile, chimed in all the way from The Left Coast: “Truly superior hummus can only be made by lesbians or hippies I was once told...” (Hi, John!)

Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men…

Happy Decimo Quinto de Mayo to everybody as well.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leonard Bernstein.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leonard Bernstein as Yitzhak?  (We’ll wait.))

This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz, and without it, your life would have no meaning:

http://rapshirtsforwhitepeople.com/

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, We have no earthly idea who the top twelve “celebrities” born today even are, and you have to get all the way down to the fourth set of twelve to find Anna Maria Alberghetti and Brian Eno (of crossword puzzle fame).  The hell?

And now, because Our birthday revelry continues apace, here in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Miss Kelli, a reading from madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

What do you do when you find yourself feeling down? An excellent way to change your mood for at least several hours is to get up and walk, preferably outside. The combination of giving yourself a new set of things to look at, plus increasing your blood flow is guaranteed to change your mood for the better. A dear friend of Madame Olivia's calls this "personality management." It's also "mood management." (ps: You needn't walk long, but make the pace brisk!)

An opportunity is going to arise for you which you in your haste may overlook. Madame Olivia would like to remind you to cultivate patience at this time (an effort she herself is working on). It's a beautiful quality. It makes the people you're with feel attended to, and slows you down just enough, Aries, so you don't miss anything crucial. You'll be amazed at what opens up for you.

Word of the hour for you: music

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Hold me closer, Tony Danza

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacalManEatingManateeMonday, April 21^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Suzy, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Virginia.  (About which We seem to have no jokes.  (We have plenty of West Virginia jokes, in case you were considering moving for next year.))

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Beck, Jasmine, Marilyn, Nancy, Nima, Sara, Steve, and Tim, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere in the universe sometime since Friday.

In today’s scandalous show business news, it has come to Our attention that someone has submitted Us, along with some two-hundred-odd other glittery specimens, to Who Should Be On RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7? (http://www.ranker.com/list/who-should-be-on-rupaul_s-drag-race-season-7-/dragaholicnews?page=3 )

We are hovering around the middle-to-lower end of the pack, which means We have about as much chance of turning up on television as We do of being mistakenly crowned Queen of Norway.  But We thought We should let you know, as it might amuse you.  And also because We’d really like to know how We got there. (No, we did not submit Our Own Self.)

Meanwhile, those of you who have been around Us personally since around the beginning of April or so may have noticed that We have been a wee tad flakier than usual. (Kiss Us quick, We’re a Frawnch pastry.  (Napoleon.  Napoleon Blownapart. (You DID say that just like “Bond. James Bond”, didn’t you?  ‘Cause, if not, We’ll wait while you go back.)))

Turns out, The Sainted Mother spent most of that time consorting with the medical community, who wanted to remove her gizzard.

Now, gizzardectomies are usually done on women in their forties, so imagine Our surprise to learn that The Sainted Mother, who is twenty-four (much like Our Own Self), was going to have one!  (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.)

Turns out also, there are two different ways to do a gizzardectomy: an easy way, and a hard way.  It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows Us that, in Our family, We tend to do things the hard way.  Also, the doctors claimed they had to do it the hard way, because her gizzard was inflamed, and thus too large to come out the easy way. (Again, no surprise in Our family…We tend to get inflamed when people try to take stuff from Us. (We also, in Our family, tend to run to Large Organs…why, Our Great Uncle Mortimer once had a harmonium that was so large, it couldn’t be squeezed the whole way into his parlor.))

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us. (And We can only imagine how it would sound to Great-Uncle Mortimer.  (If the children hadn’t hidden his ear trumpet  again.)))

At any rate, The Sainted Mother has now given up her gizzard, and is recuperating comfortably at HerHouseWhereSheLives.  So We are back to being Our ever-vigilant Self, and won’t be distracted any time soo…oh, look, a balloon!

(How many of you are now picturing Great Uncle Mortimer with his ear trumpet?)

***********************************************************************

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Today’s celebrity birthdays are boring (Tony Danza?  Charlotte Bronte?), so here, courtesy of Doug, are yesterday’s: Happy birthday George Takei, Adolf Hitler, Crispin Glover and Columbine massacre.

In the interests of time management, in lieu of a call-and-response with the AssHatted Kelli, here is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia has a timely tip for you: a good model for communicating something difficult (like no or a refusal) is the oreo cookie: start with a chocolate positive; then deliver the dreaded no or whatever the hard-to-say creme thing is; and end with another chocolate positive. An example might be "It's great to hear from you. Unfortunately, all my waking hours are currently tied up with moving so I don't have time for a latte. But thank you for thinking of me!" Resist the urge to add "but let's do it soon" because that leaves the door open for a future invitation you'll have to deal with again. This really works.

Aries, this is a great time to let yourself be driven by your inner passions without restraint. Or guilt! If anybody has a problem with your moving forward, let such a one speak up. You can't always tailor your actions to suit your audience; sometimes you have to go for it. Like now.

Take care with a particular canine

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

(Heh.  "See you next time."  See what she did there?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Oh, what a beautiful moron…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, April 8^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Helen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Leon, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  

Happy Birthday to Marc, who turns twenty-four today in Maine.  The rain in Maine is not the same as Spain.  As sung by Kurt Cobain.  In a remake of Citizen Kane. Starring Billy Zane. And Thomas Jane.  Written by the guy who wrote They Saved Hitler’s Brain.

(You’re wondering why We’ve never written a Broadway musical now, aren’t you?  We could, if We had any attention span whatso…oh, look, something shiny! (When you cockblock a worm, hold your haddock high, and don’t be afraid of Bert Parks…))

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today.  In Rhode Island.  Which is, apparently, thirty-seven percent less funny than Maine.

And does not rhyme with Barbara Bain.

Okay, We’re done.  We will now be strapping on Our tool belt, so We can go next door and put an end to this never-ending kitchen renovation.  With a Molotov cocktail.  And a semi-automatic weapon.

Diligent Faithful Gentle Readers will recall Our lamentations yesterday about a nice thing that didn’t happen for Us on Friday.  As it happens, We have scratched the doing of two nice things off of Our calendar for today.  The difference between the nice things that We’re not doing and the nice thing that wasn’t done for Us is that the people for whom We would have been doing the nice things today had We chosen to go through with them would have had no way of expecting them, and, consequently, will not be able to lament their absence.

That, of course, assumes that you do not subscribe to that ridiculous theory that holds that, if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, you will have sex with Ashton Kutcher in New Jersey.  Because what the fuck would Ashton Kutcher be doing in New Jersey?

Speaking of China, We are shrilled and ignited to learn that Lex is still alive over there, and yet sorry to hear that some other Lex is dead.

Diligent Faithful Gentle Readers will also recall this promise from  yesterday:

“We were going to continue Our “things We want but can’t have” theme with a “guess-what-We-want-for-Our-birthday” contest, but that will probably have to wait, for the most part, till tomorrow.  (See…right away We give you something to which to look forward!)”

We should point out that this is merely a contest to see if anyone can figger out what We want…We do not imagine that anyone will actually get Us the thing in question, as it is really more the sort of thing a Significant Otter would get for One.  (It is unclear to Us what makes one Otter more Significant than any Other Otter, but that’s a Whore Of Another Color.)

A few hints…it is in fact something tangible, not something like “peace on Earth” or “a boyfriend who looks like Chord Overstreet”.  (Although on second thought, “a boyfriend who looks like Chord Overstreet” would hopefully BE tangible, because what the hell good would he be if you couldn’t tange him?)  You would need to know something about current events to get it, and it will only be available for a limited time.

Okay, start guessing, while We start thinking up a prize in case anyone wins.

In other news, We are doing another installment of Our radio play thingie on Thursday at seven.  Please see info here https://www.facebook.com/events/354066574733564/ , and get your tickets quickly, because there is extremely limited seating.  (And We’re not kidding about that…it takes place in the ballroom of an historic Philadelphia house, and We could pretty much only get one ball in there.)

We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It’s all about your love life today (Well, that damn butterfly bettah step to flappin’, then.)

— no matter how fast or slow it’s felt lately. (On the scale of “fast” to “slow”, where does One find “nonexistent”?)

Things start to pick up between you and your sweetie — or, if you’re single, you are sure to catch someone’s eye!   (Well, you know what They say:  people with glass eyes shouldn’t throw them at stone houses.)

(Who ARE “They”, and why does anyone listen when They talk?)

Here we go with the extra energy thing — as if you ever needed any ‘extra’ energy. (Once you’ve tried crack, you’ll never go back.)

(What?)

You’ll be running on high, so it’s really only fair to let everyone around you know they might be in danger  (Molly, you in danger, gurrrllll.)

(Oh, please.  Like you weren’t thinking the same thing.)

— but only if they decide to disagree with you. Or argue with you about the outcome of a certain situation. Or get between you and a project you’re determined to finish. Other than that, you’re not dangerous at all.  (Tell that to my next door neighbor, when I kick in his front door and start using my Uzi.)

(Is it just Us, or does “using my Uzi” remind anyone else of “leggo my Eggo™”?)

(Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Generosity isn’t always about money.  (Of course not.  Sperm donors are generous.)

(What?)

Sometimes being benevolent means you just give someone you like your undivided attention and really listen instead of zoning out or thinking up zingers. (Or thinking up sentences with lots of zeds in them.  Like “Zany zither players zeroing in on Zanzibar” or “That’s a zesty zucchini inside Zac Efron’s zipper”.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.