They do the Monster Mash

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WentSailingWhichIsTotallyDifferentThanWentWassailing, January 25, 2012.  Happy birthday to Earl, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in HumpHumpLand. We trust you are Humping Away in your Humpity Way while seeing the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet.  (Does anyone feel another children’s book coming on?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then. (Meanwhile, how peculiar a word is “Chevrolet”?  (Robert Goulet, Simone Signoret, Nanette Fabray.  (Have We actually had Nanette Fabray in the horoscope two days running?  Pretty amazing.  Especially the running, what with her being dead and all.))))

It’s like We’re losing Our minds….

We have, as you can see, absolutely nothing this morning.  Of course, the day after Ernest Borgnine’s birthday is always a let-down.  And Christmas was one month ago today.  Which means only 334 more shopping days till Christmas 2012.  We can’t wait to see what you’re buying Us this year…We trust you will be keeping the “Oh, Christ!” in Christmas.  (And the O’Christ in Saint Patrick’s Day, but that’s a whore in another cupboard.  (What does that expression even MEAN?))

Our complete lack of focus may be explained by the fact that We were at a focus group last night.  On the subject of vacation travel.  To, for the love of O’Christ, Connecticut.  Who the fuck DOES that?  We did Our level best to impress upon these people that, while We could certainly point in the direction in which Connecticut would be found (if We were (subjunctively) looking for it, which We are NOT), there is absolutely nothing that distinguishes it from Vermont, Rhode Island, or New Hampshire, except perhaps its utility as a suburb of New York, which only serves to confuse it with North Jersey.  In fact, of however many states there are in New England (didn’t We just sort out this “New” business the other day?), We can only manage to identify Massachusetts (that being where they keep Greater Bostonia) and Maine (that being the only US state that is also a Canadian province).

All that notwithstanding, We did in fact collect Our check.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Heeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

If your ambitions aren’t clear this morning, they will be by tonight. (Oh, great.  So now We’re gonna be in one of those teenage vampire movies.  Playing, no doubt, the vampire’s grandmother.  With an orthopedic cape and Our fangs in a glass by Our bed.  Sigh.)

You need to focus (Please don’t say “focus”…it makes Us think of Connecticut.  And who needs to do that?)

on your deepest desires and see what you can do to bring them closer to life. (Contrary to popular belief, We actually are always out there pitching.  (To use one of those sports metaphors of which We are so fond.)  Apparently, however, We have very complicated desires.  With streetcars named after them.)

It’s easier than you think!  (So are We!  But nobody ever lets Us prove it.)

Is your ambition exerting too much control over your life? (Didn’t you just tell Us that would all be clear by tonight?  Like, seriously, three sentences ago?  If YOU’RE not listening to yourself talk, why should We?)

Nope!  (Does anyone actually say “Nope!” in real life?)

That’s simply not possible, today. (Then apparently it is one of six things We shall have to do before breakfast.  (That was the second brilliant litter-hairy allusion so far.  Try to keep up…there will be a quiz.))

In fact, you have got to get on that career ladder and climb more aggressively. (In THESE shoes?!?)

Moving yourself upward should be your top priority right now — mostly because all the conditions are perfect for you to succeed! (Well, it’s a good thing We’re not trying to fail, then, innit?)

By the end of the day, you will be very happy about where you’ve ended up. (Bed?)

The symbols expressed in your dreams are truly significant when it comes to your dating life. (If you’d seen any of Our dreams lately, you’d be very, very afraid.)

Tap into the subconscious — it holds answers to your waking hours. (We’re a geriatric vampire.  We drink blood out of varicose veins.)

(It’s a pity Halloween’s so far off, innit?)

Don’t laugh it off: those weird dreams are telling you something. (We don’t even dare contemplate.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

You can ring my beh-eh-ell, ring my bell

Greetings,  Entenmann’s™ Raspberry Inspires Carboloading---

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “carboloading” is a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ has apparently not noticed Our @ssz eclipsing the sun.)

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, September 22, 2010 (We have absolutely nothing to report, but We got email from OurShaun in London, England, Britain, UK yesterday saying that he “loved” yesterday’s horoscope.  And, since Our wit wasn’t particularly scintillating, We are guessing that what he loved was the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Crème Brulee Nanette Fabray Robert Goulet Why Do The French Love Jerry Lewis.   So, since We have another one like it, We thought We’d share.):

(Also, Happy Hump Day. If you are humping, We don’t want to hear about it.  If you are humpbacked, on the other hand, you can ring our bell.)

(In other news, you can go herehttp://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Also, We are appearing this Saturday night at 7PM in some theater at Ursinus College for the low, low price of FREE. Are We two-bit wh0res, or what? (If you will be in the vicinity of Uranus College, ask Us for actual details.))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to reach out and help your friends who are in need — and there may be quite a few of them! (Alright, you needy b1tches, line up for gruel.)

You probably won’t get too much done of your own business, (Well, We suppose not.  All this damn gruel ain’t gonna make itself.)

but you should have plenty of time tomorrow. (Also, your son’ll come out tomorrow.  Bet your bottom dollar he’s a bottom.)

In a gaggle of geese, you’re a swan. (What the fu(k is THAT supposed to mean?)

In a clutch of hens, you’re the head bird. (The word you’re looking for is “cock”.  (Come (heh) to think of it, the word MOST of Us are looking for is “cock”.))

(A-doodle-doo.  Also, yabba-dabba-doo, and a little dab’ll do ya.  BOO-yah!)

(What?)

In a flock of nightingales, you’ve got the sweetest and most powerful voice. (Also, We taste like chicken.  Really OLD chicken, but still.)

Yep, (“Yep”?)

you’re kind of a natural leader type. (Also, this is Our natural hair color.)

And right now, you’ve got just the right inspiration as to where to go and how to get there. (Why is it getting so warm in here, and what are We doing in this handbasket?)

This inspiration will turn you into a 100 percent bona fide top bird. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Tippi Hedren.)

So go ahead and crow until everybody listens. (Or possibly Mary Martin. (If you actually got that, you are (A.) very, very old and (2.) gayer than Liberace’s purse fu(king Charles Nelson Reilly’s ascot in a field of pansies while Paul Lynde’s Tuesday panties look on and sip a banana daiquiri with an umbrella in it.))

You’ve got great creative flow and vision  (Quick…who’s got a Maxi-Pad™?)

— which is ideal for work, but also great for any romantic endeavors. (Is it just Us, or is there absolutely nothing romantic about an “endeavor”?)

Dream up a hilarious message to someone special, (Your entire family has been eaten by rabid dogs!)

(It strikes Us that that sounded like a fortune cookie message and, as such, should definitely end with “in bed”.)

or issue the perfect invite! (Hey, We already made gruel for all you needy b1tches…what the h3ll else do you want from Us?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Have you driven a cowgrass lately?)

You can ring my beh-eh-ell, ring my bell

Greetings,  Entenmann’s™ Raspberry Inspires Carboloading---

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “carboloading” is a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ has apparently not noticed Our @ssz eclipsing the sun.)

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, September 22, 2010 (We have absolutely nothing to report, but We got email from OurShaun in London, England, Britain, UK yesterday saying that he “loved” yesterday’s horoscope.  And, since Our wit wasn’t particularly scintillating, We are guessing that what he loved was the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Crème Brulee Nanette Fabray Robert Goulet Why Do The French Love Jerry Lewis.   So, since We have another one like it, We thought We’d share.):

(Also, Happy Hump Day. If you are humping, We don’t want to hear about it.  If you are humpbacked, on the other hand, you can ring our bell.)

(In other news, you can go here http://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Also, We are appearing this Saturday night at 7PM in some theater at Ursinus College for the low, low price of FREE. Are We two-bit wh0res, or what? (If you will be in the vicinity of Uranus College, ask Us for actual details.))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:

)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to reach out and help your friends who are in need — and there may be quite a few of them! (Alright, you needy b1tches, line up for gruel.)

You probably won’t get too much done of your own business, (Well, We suppose not.  All this damn gruel ain’t gonna make itself.)

but you should have plenty of time tomorrow. (Also, your son’ll come out tomorrow.  Bet your bottom dollar he’s a bottom.)

In a gaggle of geese, you’re a swan. (What the fu(k is THAT supposed to mean?)

In a clutch of hens, you’re the head bird. (The word you’re looking for is “cock”.  (Come (heh) to think of it, the word MOST of Us are looking for is “cock”.))

(A-doodle-doo.  Also, yabba-dabba-doo, and a little dab’ll do ya.  BOO-yah!)

(What?)

In a flock of nightingales, you’ve got the sweetest and most powerful voice. (Also, We taste like chicken.  Really OLD chicken, but still.)

Yep, (“Yep”?)

you’re kind of a natural leader type. (Also, this is Our natural hair color.)

And right now, you’ve got just the right inspiration as to where to go and how to get there. (Why is it getting so warm in here, and what are We doing in this handbasket?)

This inspiration will turn you into a 100 percent bona fide top bird. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Tippi Hedren.)

So go ahead and crow until everybody listens. (Or possibly Mary Martin. (If you actually got that, you are (A.) very, very old and (2.) gayer than Liberace’s purse fu(king Charles Nelson Reilly’s ascot in a field of pansies while Paul Lynde’s Tuesday panties look on and sip a banana daiquiri with an umbrella in it.))

You’ve got great creative flow and vision  (Quick…who’s got a Maxi-Pad™?)

— which is ideal for work, but also great for any romantic endeavors. (Is it just Us, or is there absolutely nothing romantic about an “endeavor”?)

Dream up a hilarious message to someone special, (Your entire family has been eaten by rabid dogs!)

(It strikes Us that that sounded like a fortune cookie message and, as such, should definitely end with “in bed”.)

or issue the perfect invite! (Hey, We already made gruel for all you needy b1tches…what the h3ll else do you want from Us?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Have you driven a cowgrass lately?)

Look at me noooooowwwww…will I ever learn?

Greetings, Echinoderm Recoils Into Conch---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, May 10, 2010 (Happy Monday! Was that a weekend, or what? (No, seriously. Was it? We have no idea. We have not even read Our Sunday paper yet. The New York Times crossword puzzle remains inviolate. (Not, however, in violet, which would probably imply a purple paper, which would be patently poppycock. (Since We’ve no doubt met at least once before, it will come as no surprise to you that, having typed the preceding, We went off to Google “poppycock” on Wikipedia. And here is what We found: “Poppycock – anglicized form of the Dutch pappekak, which literally means soft dung or diarrhea (from Dutch pap pap + kak dung) – is an interjection meaning "nonsense" or "balderdash". Poppycock is also a brand of candied popcorn.” (We couldn’t possibly make this sh1t (heh) up.))))


(Speaking of Sunday, since We stopped publishing Eric’s Daily Horoscope on Sundays (and Saturdays, for that matter Mad Hatter pancake batter (sorry…Tourette’s)), We have developed a backlog of religious pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Crème Brulee Robert Goulet Maurice Chevalier. So today’s is one. You’re welcome.)


(You may recall that, on Friday, We were off to the hinterlands to the theater to see Flaming Guns of the Purple Sage. This entailed leaving OurHouseWhereWeLive at 6PM, and returning at midnight, to see a play that lasted under two hours. And We didn’t even have a drink afterwards. However, We are very glad that We went, as Our MizMaryPat and MizDonna were hysterical in same, and a good time was had by all. Unfortunately for all y’all, said play has now closed, so you don’t get to see it. Nanny-nanny poo-poo.)


(Micro$oft Weird™ would like you to know that “Nanny-nanny poo-poo” is a sentence fragment. It would further like you to know that “poo-poo” is misspelled. Does Micro$oft Weird™ have its finger on the pulse, or what?)


(It occurs to Us that We have absolutely no idea what We did on Saturday. (It further occurs to Us, after a fortuitous typo, that Saturday might be more fun if it were (subjunctively) renamed “Satyrday”.))


(In other news, We are off this evening to rehearse the WaitStaff show in front of MizGerreGarrett’s sketch comedy class at Drexel. We have been somewhat less relentless than usual in Our peddling of this show, but, as the size of Our paycheck is tied to your attendance, that nonsense is about to stop. The show, you may recall, is called The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows, and it is happening on Sundays, May 16th and 23rd, at 7PM, and Wednesday and Thursday, May 19th and 20that 8PM at L'Etage Cabaret at 6th and Bainbridge Streets. You can get tickets here. The show’s theme is mothers, and, in addition to special guest appearances by some of the WaitStaff’s mothers, it also boasts returns of audience favorites Yuri (and PuppetYuri), Jesus and his mom, Mrs. MotherOfGod, and a Very Special Episode of The Real Housewives Of South Philly, in which We actually meet the Duchess’s mother. So get your tickets. NOW.)


(L’Etage Cabaret is upstairs from Creperie Beau Monde. It had never occurred to Us, until now, to look up what the h3ll does “L’Etage” mean in French. We suspected it was something marvelously Bohemian and maybe slightly decadent, like “when the lemur bends over, his anus winks at Us”. Turns out, it means “upstairs”. Who knew?)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Copying machines, washers and even carburetors that are too close to you now will voice their objections by breaking down at the very minute you close in on them. (So We are thinking perhaps We should avoid friends with pacemakers?)


Don't be frustrated. (Give Us a bl0wjob, and We won’t be.)


(Too crass? Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)


The electricity you're putting out now is enough to intimidate an entire army. (Meanwhile, We’d settle for just one guy in uniform, and a peek at the general’s privates. (To say nothing of the private’s g3nitals.))


How can one poor little engine withstand that? (Clearly, you have never heard of The Little Engine That Could. )


You're attracted, but for the life of you, you can't figure out why. (I think I can, I think I can. Why? Because *I’ve* seen the private’s g3nitals.)


Think of this as a gift, and don't shake the box until it's time to open it. (See, right now, that sentence is only doubly amusing to Our fellow WaitStaffians. But when you come see Our show, it will be doubly funny to you, too.)


You're wired for sound, (And if you stick a microphone up Our @ss, you’ll hear Jimmy Hoffa hollering for help. Also, We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it. Olga Korbut, ladies and gentlemen.)


and not feeling at all patient (Not even a little patient. (Hi, Maaaa!))


with anyone who's dragging their heels, (Insert drag joke here.)


especially if there's work to be done. (Don’t We have people for that?)


Here's a tip: to avoid confrontation, work alone. (Here’s a tip: don’t look a gift horse in the @ss; it might p00p on your face. Also, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, or there’ll be no room for the private’s g3nitals.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




cowgrass…good to the last drop)