They do the Monster Mash

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WentSailingWhichIsTotallyDifferentThanWentWassailing, January 25, 2012.  Happy birthday to Earl, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in HumpHumpLand. We trust you are Humping Away in your Humpity Way while seeing the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet.  (Does anyone feel another children’s book coming on?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then. (Meanwhile, how peculiar a word is “Chevrolet”?  (Robert Goulet, Simone Signoret, Nanette Fabray.  (Have We actually had Nanette Fabray in the horoscope two days running?  Pretty amazing.  Especially the running, what with her being dead and all.))))

It’s like We’re losing Our minds….

We have, as you can see, absolutely nothing this morning.  Of course, the day after Ernest Borgnine’s birthday is always a let-down.  And Christmas was one month ago today.  Which means only 334 more shopping days till Christmas 2012.  We can’t wait to see what you’re buying Us this year…We trust you will be keeping the “Oh, Christ!” in Christmas.  (And the O’Christ in Saint Patrick’s Day, but that’s a whore in another cupboard.  (What does that expression even MEAN?))

Our complete lack of focus may be explained by the fact that We were at a focus group last night.  On the subject of vacation travel.  To, for the love of O’Christ, Connecticut.  Who the fuck DOES that?  We did Our level best to impress upon these people that, while We could certainly point in the direction in which Connecticut would be found (if We were (subjunctively) looking for it, which We are NOT), there is absolutely nothing that distinguishes it from Vermont, Rhode Island, or New Hampshire, except perhaps its utility as a suburb of New York, which only serves to confuse it with North Jersey.  In fact, of however many states there are in New England (didn’t We just sort out this “New” business the other day?), We can only manage to identify Massachusetts (that being where they keep Greater Bostonia) and Maine (that being the only US state that is also a Canadian province).

All that notwithstanding, We did in fact collect Our check.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Heeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

If your ambitions aren’t clear this morning, they will be by tonight. (Oh, great.  So now We’re gonna be in one of those teenage vampire movies.  Playing, no doubt, the vampire’s grandmother.  With an orthopedic cape and Our fangs in a glass by Our bed.  Sigh.)

You need to focus (Please don’t say “focus”…it makes Us think of Connecticut.  And who needs to do that?)

on your deepest desires and see what you can do to bring them closer to life. (Contrary to popular belief, We actually are always out there pitching.  (To use one of those sports metaphors of which We are so fond.)  Apparently, however, We have very complicated desires.  With streetcars named after them.)

It’s easier than you think!  (So are We!  But nobody ever lets Us prove it.)

Is your ambition exerting too much control over your life? (Didn’t you just tell Us that would all be clear by tonight?  Like, seriously, three sentences ago?  If YOU’RE not listening to yourself talk, why should We?)

Nope!  (Does anyone actually say “Nope!” in real life?)

That’s simply not possible, today. (Then apparently it is one of six things We shall have to do before breakfast.  (That was the second brilliant litter-hairy allusion so far.  Try to keep up…there will be a quiz.))

In fact, you have got to get on that career ladder and climb more aggressively. (In THESE shoes?!?)

Moving yourself upward should be your top priority right now — mostly because all the conditions are perfect for you to succeed! (Well, it’s a good thing We’re not trying to fail, then, innit?)

By the end of the day, you will be very happy about where you’ve ended up. (Bed?)

The symbols expressed in your dreams are truly significant when it comes to your dating life. (If you’d seen any of Our dreams lately, you’d be very, very afraid.)

Tap into the subconscious — it holds answers to your waking hours. (We’re a geriatric vampire.  We drink blood out of varicose veins.)

(It’s a pity Halloween’s so far off, innit?)

Don’t laugh it off: those weird dreams are telling you something. (We don’t even dare contemplate.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 1, 2011.  I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the sum total of Snowpocalypse Two Electric Boogaloo so far is that the sidewalks look like the top of your glass coffee table after a party in the 80s.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I’ll be much happier sending Himself out to clear the path with a rolled up twenty instead of a shovel.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ has flagged “boogaloo” as misspelled.  At first, I thought it might be one of those pesky American versus British issues; perhaps we spell “boogaloo” differently on the other side of the pond. But the WorldWideInterWebNetz confirms the “boogaloo” spelling of “boogaloo”, regardless of country of origin, so sod off, Micro$oft Weird™. (“Boogaloo” is clearly one of those words that gets weirder and weirder the more times one types it.  (Micro$oft Weird™ also suggests that I might like to replace “pesky” with “annoying”.  Consequently, I shall replace “sod off” with “fu(k you”.)))

In other news, it is unclear to me why, on what is obviously a “stay in your jammies with your hot water bottle and your woolly penguin under the covers” kind of day, I have been up since the crack of ass-thirty.  However, there has been good news so far on several fronts, among them the followers of these epistles, and the popularity of Himself’s YouTube video of Our Lord and Saviour.  So I feel compelled to ask (despite the fact that no one will answer, much like when Helen Keller falls down in a forest, and one doesn’t know if there’s sound, but what the hell was some deaf, dumb, and blind bitch doing wandering about in a forest anyway?):  do you share these epistles with others, who are not acquainted with Himself and I?  Also, have you shared the video with others?  (And here it is, just in case you felt the urge to do so.  (Or to do-si-do.  Whatever blows your dress up.))

And now, before the horoscope proper begins, a word about my Madd Editing Skillz.  I am, of course, available for hire to make all of your documents look every bit as classy and professional as these daily epistles.  And I am, in fact, completely capable of conforming to American English standards.  For example, in the paragraph preceding the video, I am well aware that “Saviour” is a British spelling, while the American “Savior” would have no U in it, despite that irritating American hymn, “What A Friend U Have In Jesus”.  Also, you may have noticed that I am a staunch proponent of the serial comma (as in “deaf, dumb, and blind”) for the laser-like clarity that it brings.  To wit:

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope, and Mother Teresa.”

Versus

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope and Mother Teresa.”

I just had a Slim-Fast™ bar for breakfast.  How much slimmer will I get if I eat the rest of the box?

The future seems much more enticing than the present right now (Wait…there are presents?)

— but that doesn’t mean you should just sit around daydreaming!  (Oh, no…I should sit here, typing my fingers to the bone to amuse YouPeople.  All work and no play, smoke crack with dull boys.  (I’ve never understood that saying.  You wacky, zany, madcap Americans.))

Get to work on something big that isn’t likely to pay off for a while.  (Trust me, I haven’t been paid in QUITE a while.  But just think, if everyone reading this horoscope sent me one dollar, I’d have…one dollar?  (Well, maybe two…there is, of course, The New Guy.  Hi, The New Guy!))

It might be difficult to understand when and how to be critical today. (Not especially.  I never seem to find anything about being critical even remotely difficult.  In fact, I venture to say it’s one of my fortes.  One of my most finely honed skills, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think YOU’RE so damned important?)  Why, if there were (subjunctively) a job whose main duties were criticizing and complaining, I would be Employee of the Month thirteen months of the year.)

 In a business or professional context, you’ll have it a bit easier, though (Meanwhile, in a pie-eating context, avoid the blueberry.  (Also the dingleberry.  (Heh.  Dingleberry pie.  It’s like cowpie, kind of.  If cows used toilet paper.  Like those bears on that commercial…how revolting is that?  I think we can all agree that I’m hardly a prude, but I don’t think they should be allowed to show dingleberries on television.  Cartoon bears or no, they still shit in the woods where Helen Keller falls down.)))

(My digressions have digressions.  Try to keep up.)

— an early morning conflict will force you to look at things in a harsher, more truthful light. (There is no light.  It’s pitch dark outside.  (Of course, that’s par for the course for Helen Keller.  (Not that one imagines her golfing much.)))

(“Fore!”)

Err on the side of caution by being more forgiving and patient than you might otherwise be. (“Err” is such an odd word, no?  It always looks like a mistake.  How convenient that that’s what it means.   To Err is human, to Brrr is Helen Keller falling down in a forest full of snow, to Grrrr is a bear taking a shit on her.)

(Obviously, today’s Erix Daily Horosocpe has a running thread.  How lucky for you!)

(When I said “shit” earlier, Micro$oft Weird™ made nary a peep.  This time it is suggesting that I replace it with “shot” or “hit”.  Everybody’s a critic.)

Loving is more important than being right sometimes.  (I solve that entire conundrum by loving being right.)

While everyone else is fighting in the board room, you’re back in the lunch room, chatting up that new hottie. (Actually, I’m bitchin’ in the kitchen.  ‘Cause there ain’t no damn “hottie” here.)

Say out of the fray — you’re sure to meet the right person that way. (Doris Day, Nanette Fabray, Simone Signoret.  You’re a poet, but you’re unaware of it.)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

California dreamin’

Greetings, Expired Retiree Inspires Conspiracy---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, July 21, 2010 (If you are STILL Mondaying, when you SHOULD be Humping-For-Hump-Day, that means you’ve totally missed Two-Stepping Toozday, and should probably throw in the towelhead. We Our Own Selves Personally have just dropped by for a mo-mo, as We didn’t want to leave you unentertained (oh, it is so too a word) on this glorious sunny Hump Day. But We have places to go and people to do, so this is going to be short (that’s what she said).):


(We should point out, at this point, pointedly, to the Pointer Sisters, that We have never actually SEEN that show, either Britishally or Americanically. Clearly, We are culturally deprived. Or depraved. Or something.)


(Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Fermez Fabergé Oil Of Olay Café Au Lait Simone Signoret is from Our recent trip to The Left Coast. We are a terrible pixture-taker, in that We frequently remember to cart Our camera places, but then We don’t take any pixtures. For example, there is not a single pixture from Our trip of Us with TCBITWWW. Nor is there a pixture of Us with the lovely and talented Willam Belli. And did We get a pixture of Ourselves when We met Isaiah Mustafa at Legendary Bingo? Mais non. There are, however, several pixtures of Us visiting relatives at the La Brea Tar Pits, and a pixture of the Greasy Wiener wagon. Our world, and Malcolm Pruitt.)


(Naturally, We just now yanked “Malcolm Pruit” out of Our ginormous @ssz because he fit so well into the preceding sentence. But, because We are an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We just Googled him on Wikipedia to see if he was a real live boy. Turns out he has an award named after him and everything. Who knew?)


(Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus : Sunday, July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live and on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage. Tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3635 or here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 . If you haven’t gotten them already. And you haven’t. We KNOW. We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We really don’t give a sh1t either way, so buy tickets to Our show.)


(Meanwhile, Our video is languishing in anguish (while having a Manwich™ sandwich). Send a friend.)





)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


(Yeah, it’s noon. We don’t have time for this part.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):






(THIS is why We came here today…so We could share THIS with all y’all:


Aries


Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.


Taurus


Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.


Gemini


Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: This is what is known as "food poisoning."


Cancer


Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.


Leo


They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.


Virgo


Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.


Libra


You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.


Scorpio


The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.


Sagittarius


It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.


Capricorn


The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!


Aquarius


Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.


Pisces


You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.


Taste that beats the others cold…cowgrass pours it on)

Could fry an egg on the cement, it’s so caliente

Greetings, Effective Rasping Improves Complexion---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, July 07, 2010 (We would say “Happy Hump Day”, but, Monday having been a holiday, this is A Week Without A Hump. (Like We would know the difference.) But Happy Birthday to Tracie, who turns twenty-four today.):


(Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Flambé Jose Simone Signoret is Our subtle reminder to all y’all to kwitcherbitchin, because, no matter how hot it gets, you don’t have to fu(king shovel it.)


(And now, a little musical entertainment to brighten your spirits with regard to the weather. It is work-safe (it’s from Sesame Street, fercrissakes. And Bert and Ernie aren’t even in it.):


)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


You're ready to compromise, cooperate and negotiate, (You left out m@sturbate.)


under even the most bizarre or difficult of circumstances as long as things work out well for all parties concerned. (Wait…there’s a party?)


(Speaking of parties, (A.) We forgot to give you your daily affirmation http://dailydragqueenaffirmations.com/affirmation  and (2.) We trust that you have already purchased your tickets to Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives at QFest. This, of course, is the fillum starring the lovely and talented Willam Belli, and, if you have been remiss in obtaining tickets to same, you can do so here: http://www.qfest.com/film-details.cfm?c=240&id=9536  )


Just be sure that everyone else who's involved is feeling equally benevolent before you sign on the dotted line. (See, We’re pretty sure that’s where We made Our mistake…WE signed on the slotted spoon.)


Someone who loves you to pieces will be oh-so-eager to prove it to you. (Mmm-hmm. We’re just gonna hold Our breath and wait for THAT to happen. Of course, We hope this guy who loves Us to pieces realizes he’s gonna hafta fight his way through all the people who love Us IN pieces.)


Your mission, should you bravely choose to accept it, is to let them. (This horoscope will self-destruct in five seconds.)


Right now, everything you touch will turn to gold. (And THEN self-destruct in five seconds.)


Well, everything except the things you want to stay just the way they are. (Kinda like the way Billy Joel turned into an old, bald, Jewish guy.)


Work, or anything that remotely resembles it, will not be fun for you now -- and you'll probably do what it takes to minimize its intrusion on your social life. (Well, We would tell you the most recent thing We’ve done about that, but then We’d have to kill you.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




cowgrass…that was easy)