Dick your balls with Buddy Holly

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December 1^th , 2013.

What in the name of bleeding Jeebus, you may be wondering (if you are anything like Us (We tend to wonder rather melodramatically (you are, of course, surprised (oh, shut up))), are We doing in here, slaving and toiling and e-pisstling on a Sunday, neither in the park nor with George (We are also a musical theatre queen.  (Please at least feign shock. (Thank you.)))?

Well, in addition to being the Nipples-To-The-Wind-And-Titz-Akimbo birthday Cher-ed by Bette Midler and Charlene Tilton, as well as World AIDS Day (always festive), today is the first day of Our second annual participation in Holidailies, about which more later.

But first, some birthday wishes.  We shall skip the geographic references today, in the interests of brevity, which, They say, is the hole of shit.  (Who are “They”, why do “They” say such stupid things, and why does anyone continue to listen to “Them”?)

Happy Birthday to Dan, who turns twenty-four today.  In York.  Not NEW York, mind you.  And not the one in Jolly Olde Britland, neither.   Which would, presumably, be Old York.  What’s in between Old York and New York?  Day Old York.  DAY Old, Day-ay-ay Old…with a York-York here, and a York-York there, here a York, there a York…

(We have four other people to wish Happy Birthday to…this may take a while.)

(One wonders, at this juncture, which York the Peppermint Patties™ come from?  Because, mmmm….Peppermint Patties™.)

Moving on…Happy Birthday also to Louie, who also turns twenty-four today.  Mercifully not anywhere that will cause Us to sing Day-O for no apparent reason.  Also Happy Birthday also to Chris, who also turns twenty-four today also. Also too, Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today also too. Also too, Happy Birthday also in addition to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today also too. In addition.

(We used some copy-paste to create that last paragraph.  (And the ones before it.  Hence the geography, where We claimed there would be nuns.) We sure hope it was seamless, and transparent to Our Gentle Readers.)

In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Tom, and Connie, and Joanne, and Theresa, and Jason, and David, each of whom also turned twenty-four over the past few days, while We were over Joan Rivers and through James Woods.

Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week?  Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?

Speaking of all last week, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And now: Holidailies:

Well, ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We have joined up with something called Holidailies, (which see:  http://www.holidailies.org/ ), wherein We pledge Our solemn troth (doesn’t that sound painful?) to publish an e-pissode of Our blog every day of December.  And, while We are certainly sure that We shall falter in Our resolve some weekend later in the month, We certainly didn’t intend to fuck up directly out of the starting gate, as it (subjunctively) were, and bring The Holidaily Police to Our door with a warrant. (Ordinarily, a phrase like “The Holidaily Police” would have spawned a joke about The Tyne Daly Police, and (naturally) a Cagney and Lacey  reference, but today, We intend to press on.  Like Lee™ Press-On Nails.)

So, to continue.  We would wish you Happy World AIDS Day, but “Happy World AIDS Day” isn’t exactly something polite people would say.  And We are NOTHING if not polite fucking people.  Also, you will notice that there is all kinds of art up above on what is supposed to be A Day Without Art.  Our justification for that is that the hordes of new Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! readers who come from Holidailies would have no idea that there is usually art up there if there (subjunctively) weren’t any, so to them, it wouldn’t be A Day Without Art it would just be A Day, and that’s just stupid.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

You’re slowing down today — but that’s a good thing!  (Now, see, that there sentence right there really just cries out for a long, drawn-out joke about Martha Stewart on Petticoat Junction. Unfortunately, We don’t have a shot of Geritol™ to put in Our prune juice, so “long drawn-out” is somewhat beyond Our scope at the current juncture.)

(May We just mention hat Little Ricky (Keith Thibodeaux) from I Love Lucy turns sixty-three today?  You’re welcome.)

Make sure that you’re taking your time with whatever is coming your way,  (Never mind that…We’re trying to figger out how to take other people’s time.)

as getting it right is far more important than getting it done fast.  (That would seem to totally and completely depend upon exactly what “it” is.  Just sayin’.)

You need to strike while the iron is hot!  (Because a sticky thyme saves wine.  (That’s another one of those things that “They” say.  Who keeps letting “Them” talk?))

You have a golden opportunity right in front of you, (And you know what that means:  Golden Opportunity’s Knockers!)

but it’s going to head for the hills (You mean “them thar hills”, yes?)

unless you take advantage of it. (Yes, but no means no, yes?)

(Did that last sentence make anyone else dizzy?)

Why worry about the consequences (Because We can’t handle the truth?)

when there is no possible way of knowing for sure what they will be? (Or that.)

Wherever your sense of adventure went, you have got to get it back right away!  (Are We going to have to go on an adventure to get back Our sense of adventure?  Because, if so, We may have to go lie down first.)

Putting so much effort into minimizing your risk doesn’t always pay off, so just relax and let the chips fall where they may.  (Wait…there are chips?  Mmmmm….chips.  (Is there dip?))

Today is a learning opportunity. (How big are its knockers?)

 If you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why (Why?)

(Oh, were We supposed to answer Ourself, too?  Jeebus…stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

 and move on from there. (We will be doing nothing BUT moving on today.  After We finish e-pisstling Dixie here, We shall be erecting (ahem) Our Christmas tree.  Anybody wanna come over and help Us hang Our balls?)

If you need to be alone to mull it over, do so. (Speaking of Martin Mull, We recently re-watched Clue. Which, if you haven’t seen it in as long as We hadn’t seen it, you should look into re-seeing it, or see about seeing it for the first time, if you’ve never seen it (or have a seeing-eye dog, in which case you haven’t seen much of anything).)

Look into your heart and be honest with yourself. (Fuck that noise.  Look into Uranus and lie like a Persian rug.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack

 

 

 

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!

Happy Birthday to Meron, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  The New York that’s IN New York, that is.   Also, Happy Birthday to Tony, who also turns twenty-four today, but only near  the New York that’s in New York. (He is actually in Hackensack.  (Or should that be, “He is ACKtually in HACKensACK.”? (Geography is hard.)))  Also too, Happy Birthday to Scott, who turns twenty-four today in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Janelle, who may not be turning quite twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

 

 

 

In other news of vital importance to the realm, We are hard at work, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo, writing  the script for Our Fringe show .   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:  


http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb 








Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!







(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)





Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.







And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

As We are so hard (ahem) at work, today's e-pissode is an encore presentation from approximately a year ago:

Do-do-do-do can't wait to get a mouth full of WAFFLES!

 

 

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, August 24, 2012.  Happy National Waffle Day, everyone!  Seriously.  How exciting izzat?  On this day in 1869, Cornelius Swartwout patented the first waffle iron.  Later that day, Helen Keller read it, and comedy was born.

 

We really are a very funny person once you get to know Us.

 

Speaking of famous people and breakfast foods, on the heels  (not that We’re wearing heels at this hour…bunny slippers, Sweetie Darling) of yesterday’s discussion of hit counts, We note that The One Where We Have A Picture Of Prince William In A Speedo™ (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html ) is on the verge of eclipsing The One Where We Have A Recent Picture Of Charlene Tilton (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html ).  Ahead of these by a small margin is The One Where The Picture Is Nothing Special But We Use The Phrase “Justin Bieber’s Penis” (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/chillin-by-fire-while-we-eatin-fondue.html .  And still inexplicably leading the pack, by a factor of over four-fold, is The One With The Picture Of The Grotesquely Fat Man (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html ), which people actually search for with such phrases as “grotesquely fat man”.  Does this make any sense to you?  Because it makes no sense to Us.  We would much rather look at Prince William’s Speedo™, or present-day Charlene Tilton, or even Justin Bieber’s penis (which, you will recall, We’ve already seen, which see Us seeing same:

 

 

)

 

than look at a near-naked grotesquely fat man, but different strokes for different stroke victims.

 

 

Whatevs.

 

 

Clearly, We’ve strayed wide of Our original point, which was Cornelius Swartwout and Helen Keller reading the waffle iron.  Also, you will note that, in that entire desperate attention–seeking paragraph about hit counts, not once did We stoop to using the phrase “Prince Harry naked”. (Ooops. (Although, now that We HAVE used it, We wonder if We’d do better to use “Prince Harry’s penis”?))

 

 

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.  Which, of course, in the case of Prince Harry’s penis, leads to a rather ribald French tickler joke.  Lettuce all pause here while Helen Keller reads THAT.

 

 

 

We may actually be funnier than We had first suspected.  Although We WERE hugged by a stand-up comic last night, so it’s possible that some of it just rubbed off.  (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We were there when it happened.)

 

 

 

In other news, there is a brand spanking (oooooohhh!!!) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which is above for your viewing pleasure. And here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/wdOHgajc7hY

 

 

Here is last year’s Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

 

 

Here’s the HorrorScope:

 

It is Rupert Grint’s birthday today.  Rupert Grint is a Virgo.  Daniel Radcliffe?  Is a Leo.  Like your scrotum there it is in a nutshell.

 

Your emotional side is somewhat exposed today, (Suddenly, We feel just like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.)

 

so see if you can get yourself back into a safer space. (Does the absence of panties make Our FUPA look fat?)

 

(Okay, all together now:  eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)

 

It’s a really good time for you to get back in touch with feelings you thought were long gone.  (Hey, We rubbed one out on a stand-up comedian.  There’s yer Fringe festival right there!)

 

 You always have time to learn new things, so even if your day is jam-packed,  (Or fudge-packed.)

 

you should reserve at least a minute or two to go exploring! (What about spelunking?  Nobody ever goes spelunking any more.)

 

Check out that new store at the mall, go for a drive in a different part of town, or pick up a book about something or someone you’ve never heard of before. (Just don’t accidentally pick up a waffle iron instead.)

 

Someone will want you to take off with them on a new adventure that sounds like fun. (Oddly enough, We are fairly certain that “sounds like fun” and “actually IS fun” are not necessarily always the same thing.)

 

If you think you can squeeze it into your day, you definitely should!  (Give Us some Spanx™, some Crisco™, and a crowbar, and We’ll squeeze just about anything into just about anywhere.)

 

(Hi, Prince Harry…is that a breakfast bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?)

 

Watch out for that self-fulfilling prophecy — it’s a killer. (Indeed so.  Because, not having learned her lesson with the waffle iron, you can’t imagine what Helen Keller mistook for a Ouija board.)

 

If you let the negativity creep in, it’ll turn into self-esteem cancer. (No, it won’t.)

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

Don’t let one or two bad days on the dating circuit ruin your whole outlook on life.  (Wait…there’s a circuit?  Somebody get Us an extension cord…)

 

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.