Someone’s knocking at the door, someone’s ringing the bell

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMadCowMonday, December 3th, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Harriet, who turns twenty-four today on The Left Coast. And Happy Birthday to playwrights Del Shores and Nicky Silver, who, We just learned, share a twenty-fourth birthday today as well. This fact will stand you in good stead when they finally come out with that theatre queens’ e-dition of Trivial Pursuit™.

And who doesn’t want to be stood in good stead?  Four out of five dentists recommend being stood in good stead for their patients who stand steads.

You would have thought We’d have shot Our wad, what with e-pisstling all weekend to comply with the Tyne Daly clause of Holidailies™, but apparently walking Our wad was just the workout it needed.

(We shall pause here whilst you count up the inordinate number of Ws in that sentence.)

We chanced to glance (at the lance that’s in your pants (sorry)) back a few paragraphs and noticed that Micro$oft Weird™ objects to the plural “steads” as not-a-word. Now, if We send someone to a party in Our stead, and you send someone to the same party in YOUR stead, those two someones would be being sent in two different (hence plural) steads, no?

Now Micro$oft Weird™ is objecting to the plural “someones”.  We give up.

Someone on SitOnOurFaceBook just invited Us to play Farmville 2.  Someone, We might add, who has actually MET Us.  Seriously?

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.  (We just this minute noticed, however, that she doesn’t follow anyone back.  HAH!)): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

#ThingsMyExSaid I think we should see other people.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

On Wednesdays we pretend we know what 'pink' is.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

#ThingsUDontHearEveryday everything.

Here is the link with which you can share Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y 

  

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:

)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Happy Ozzy Osbourne’s birthday! And, just in case you’re not feeling quite old enough, Brian Bonsall, who played Michael J. Fox’s little brother on Family Ties, turns thirty-one today.

You’re welcome.

You can be incredibly productive today — just as long as you are willing to commit. (Oh, great.  Who’s trying to have Us committed NOW?)

(Probably no one.  They’d have to be paying attention.)

 The good news is that your people should have your back even if you decide to do something that feels a bit rash.  (How very dermatological.)

Building something would be very useful for you to do right now. (Forts are Our forte.)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

It could even strengthen your relationships!  (Plural?  Really?  Ya know, not ALL of Our multiple personalities get along.)

Even if you don’t know how to use a hammer (If We had (subjunctively) a hammer, We’d hammer in the morning.  If We were (subjunctively)  a carpenter, and you were (subjunctively)  a lady, We’d get hammered in the evening.  If We were (subjunctively)  a rich man, diedel deedle dreidel Betty Grable Norman Mailer Tums™.)

(Don’t mock Us!  We have Tourette’s Syndrome.  Just not the funny kind.)

and couldn’t tell a nail from a snail, (Jigga what?)

you still can and should create something today. (Oh?  You don’t think We should mime Our entire next video?  You think there should be an actual script?  How avant garde!  (That’s French for…something.))

Do you like to cook? (We can bring home the bacon…fry it up in a pan…)

Make a meal for a close friend or your sweetie. (We thought they were trying to have Us committed.)

Got a killer music collection? (Many people do.  Far fewer people have a killer whale.  Odd, no?)

Burn a mix (Then bust a move.)

for a friend who’s got a long commute. (Is that a commute in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

You have a lot to give, (Was that a fat joke?)

and that generosity can take many different forms.  (For example, herpes.)

(We kill Us.)

Stop obsessing about an old love or that perfect date. (We don’t give a fig about the perfect date.)

It may take a while, (Much like waiting for that last joke to land.)

(Who said, “WHAT joke?”)

but you need to examine the root causes of this compulsion. (So, essentially, We are compelled to examine what causes Our compulsion?  We see.)

Once you do, the energy and space you open up will create room for real love.  (And won’t THAT just be the pussy’s pajamas?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Pretty legs, great big kn0ckers; Honey, these are real showstoppers

Greetings, Etch-a-sketch™ Retraces Indelible Charcoal---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 16, 2010 (And a very happy Monday to all of Our drones and dronettes!  Shoulders to the wheel, noses to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo! (It strikes Us, all sudden-like, that Titz Akimbo would be an excellent drag name for someone.  Especially if said someone’s titz were, ya know, akimbo. (Speaking of drag queens, from the It’s A Small Whirled Drafty Hall Department, We (and the WaitStaff) will be performing at a fundraiser at the World Café Live this Sunday, raising funds for a friend’s short fillum.  (Because We are The Sort Of Person who knows people who make fillums.  About shorts.  (Or in their shorts.  (One of those.)))  Now here’s the Small Whirled part:  We shall be sharing the stage with Miss Navaya Shay and Miss Cherry Pop!  AND their loose lip-synching ships!  Talk about up your cr@ck without a piddle!  Check out the festivities here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001248400015#!/event.php?eid=136408703056751&ref=ts ))):

(We Our Own Selves Personally shall be performing the following monolog, which is way, way funnier live:

)

(Meanwhile, in remembrances of this weekend past (kiss Us quick, We’re Marcel Proust (and a very special good morning to the one of you who got THAT (yes, Ovella, We knew it was you))), We watched Our Selves a fillum:  Sherlock Holmes, Super Action Hero.  Now, while We were certainly pleased to see Mister Robert Downey Jr. spending fully half of a Victorian period piece stripped to the waist and engaging in fisticuffs, We were gravely dismayed that We live in a country that so loves stupidity and distrusts anyone intelligent that the filmmakers felt compelled to turn Sherlock Holmes…Sherlock Holmes, fercrissakes!...into an asskicking thug.  Of course, this is the same country where some milch cow who couldn’t even be bothered finishing out her term as governor of the North Pole feels free to roll her eyes on camera when a constituent tells her that she is a teacher, because, ya know, book-learning is evil, you betcha, and smart people are bad.  Sigh.)

(In other news, those with perpetually twisted knickers might want to check out some facts from time to time:  http://www.aolnews.com/nation/article/name-that-mosque-ground-zeros-other-neighbors/19590651?sms_ss=facebook )

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

Hopefully, (Hopelessly demoted to poo…Olivia Fig Newton Jawn.)

you've been diligent with your workout schedule, (Well, we’ve been indigent, and We’ve gone digital…does that count? (Those of you whose minds went directly to the gutter for “gone digital”…sit right here next to Us.))

and you've taken all your vitamins. (We don’t go for booze and pills on Broadway.)

You'll need all the energy you can muster (And all the mustard you can energize…(Pardon Us; do you have any grey poop on?))

to handle the constant attention you can expect from a minimum of one ardent admirer, (Well, a minimum of one is better than a minimum of none.  But not by much.  (Math is HARD!))

two well-meaning friends (Who just happen to be Siamese twins.)

and a host of new fans.  (What We’ve got here is either the pilot for a 70s sitcom or a Merv Griffin game show.)

You just can't seem to stop replaying that comment they made over and over in your mind. (“Your daughter’s pregnancy brings much happiness to our village”…why did he SAY that?  WHY???)

It's time to figure out why. (Dunno why… there’s your son up in the sky…Norman Mailer…)

(What?)

You're in what's technically known as an overexuberant state of mind (Now, see, here’s a little-known piece of music trivia…that was actually Billy Joel’s original lyric, until the first time he sang it in concert and his teeth fell out.  Now he’s an old bald Jewish guy.  How did that happen?)

-- which means your audience, believe it or not, may be less than enthusiastic. (Well, considering you only promised Us a minimum of one, who cares?)

Dial it down, just a touch. (Is a touch more or less than a notch?  Also, which is bitchier, a bitch or a witch?  Inquiring minds Jacques Cousteau.)

Sharpen up your pencils (They’ll come in handy for poking when milch cows roll their eyes at you.)

and make sure you've got lots of legal pads handy. (We Our Own Self Personally prefer maxi legal pads. The go better with Our disposable legal briefs.)

Taking care of business (And workin’ overtime?)

is the name of the game (Then it’s a g0ddamn shame some of Us are playin’ Old Maid, ain’t it?)

-- and you're ready to play. (Ball?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

raise your hand, raise your hand if you’re cowgrass)