Tell me why…I don’t like Mondays

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, January 17, 2011.  First and Formosa (Formosa…where the natives like to Taiwan on (shtick around for da jokes)), I would like to wish all you Yanks a very Happy Martin Luther King Junior Day.  We in the UK do not, of course, celebrate Martin Luther King Junior Day.  Not that we don’t have black people, mind you.  It’s just that we didn’t kidnap ours and force them into slavery.  You Americans and your wacky, zany, madcap sense of humour.   At any rate, I trust all of your Martin Luther King Junior Day trees are trimmed, your Martin Luther King Junior Day cookies are baked, your Martin Luther King Junior Day presents are wrapped, and your Martin Luther King Junior Day cards are mailed.  In honor of the holiday, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Nipsey Russell Cleavon Little Moms Mabley is the front cover of The Hipster Huckleberry Finn, in which every occurrence of the N-word is replaced with “hipster”.  (I am well aware that I mentioned this very opus in an Erix Daily Horoscope just last week, but bugger off, you lot of bollocks-polishers; YOU try coming up with original material, day in, day out, in the midst of Seasonal Affective Disorder and the onset of menopause.)

Speaking of trees, here at Casa de Poorhouse, the Christmas tree just came down on Saturday, after a whopping seven weeks.  (That’s just an expression, actually; there was really precious little whopping going on.)  Not that Himself was any help…he was off appearing in some video or other with some of his artsy-fartsy friends.  (Also airy-fairy.  (Also Abercrombie and Fitch.))  More on that story as it develops.

I just accidentally found out who Luke Worrall is.  Can I ever get those brain cells back?

You need to deal with some family elders who are trying to take on too much — or pushing you too hard.  (Whatevs…could they send me a check?)

(Meanwhile, from the Wild and Woolly WorldWideInterWebNetz,  someone on SitOnMyFaceBook was lamenting the untimely demise of someone or another, and expressed a desire for said someone to “Rest In Piece”.  Sigh.  This does, however, lead in to the perfect opportunity to point out that, if I should drop dead all of a sudden, and you are so grief-stricken that you are updating your SitOnMyFaceBook status to tell all fourteen hundred and sixty-two of your very closest friends just how grief-stricken you are, then you are just not grief-stricken enough.  Jeebus.)

It may not be perfectly comfortable, but you can find a way to get them to listen.  (All that hollering sounds like a lot of work.)

You want to travel so badly that if you could, you’d be in a cab on your way to the airport right now, passport in hand.  (Sing it, Sister. (In other news, I just learned (again, via the WorldWideInterWebNetz) that today is also known as Blue Monday, and  is, statistically, the most depressing day of the year.  So there’s that.))

If duty calls, however  (Take a fu(king message…Starzina’s on the way to the Caribbean.)

— especially if it calls loudly enough to keep you off that plane— your sense of responsibility will kick in. (Kick THIS, bitch.)

In that case, the least you can do is to treat yourself to the company of someone new and exotic. (Or, better still, nude and erotic.  But not, presumably, nuked and anorexic.)

 Your reaction to a new romantic situation could be quite intense today, and while it’s essential to let it all out, make sure to think about how you do it — and, more importantly, to whom. (Ya know, if you actually stop to contemplate it, the preceding is really a filthy, dirty sentence.  Not that there’s anything wrong withthat.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

To Surly, with love

(How many of all y’all are thinking of Lulu now?  G0d, YouPeople are old!  (Not because of the pixture, dumbass, because of the subject line.  Jeebus.))

Greetings, Effervescent Ratpoison Improves Champagne---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 04, 2010 (Ah, Monday!  Just another Mannix Monday.  (Are you wondering now, as We are, whatever became of Mannix star Mike Connors? Well, We just Googled his @ssz on Wikipedia.  He is still alive, for one thing, and is eighty-five years old.  His most recent gig appears to have been a 2007 episode of Two and a Half Men.   (Paging the Emmy noms committee.  (Nom-Nom-Nom)).  He is Armenian.  (This does not, as We initially suspected, indicate a penchant for wearing Armani.  Armenia is, according to Wikipedia, a country.  Who knew?  Meanwhile, if you start reading the (rather lengthy, for a country they just made up this morning) description of Armenia and the Armenians, and you have only had half a cup of coffee so far, your brain will consistently try to substitute “Americans” for “Armenians”, which will result in some really peculiar revisionist history.  Almost as though you were (subjunctively) reading a Texan textbook.)   Anyway.  We appear to have digressed.  Happy birthdfay to Our daughter, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Jill, who, co-inky-dinky-ly, also turns twenty-four today.):

(So We spent the vast majority of Our weekend in Wilmington, entertaining the Wilmingtonians.  Wilmington, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is conveniently located just off of Exit 6 on I-95.  

(That was a little joke for OurSara, who is one of the few people actually reading this. Hi, Sara!)  Perhaps next weekend, We shall do the show in Armenia.  If We can figger out what exit THAT’S conveniently located off of.)

(So Fall has fallen with a fu(king thud, eh?  Suddenly it’s cold as a witch’s t1t in a brass brassiere out there.  Gah!  (We were about to say We’d never even made it to the beach this year, but We WERE at the beach in California for Our birfday courtesy of TCBITWWW.  Never let it be said that We don’t maintain journalistic integrity here at Erix Daily Horoscope.))

(Speaking of journalistic integrity, We are willing to bet that there are at least one or two of you who are contemplating the raison d’être (“Raison d’être” is, of course, Frawnch for “Raisinettes™ with the chocolate licked off”.   Extra credit points if you know what’s Frawnch for “nuts with the chocolate licked off”) for today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus  Sidney Poitier Josephine Baker Nipsey Russell Condoleezza Rice.  It’s quite simple, actually.  If We were (subjunctively) wearing blackface, that is what We would look like.  From behind.)

(Is it racist to discuss wearing blackface if it’s only in the subjunctive?  Is it possible to be subjunctively racist?  If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?)

(WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

There's nothing anyone can do right now to make you think for a second before expressing your thoughts. (But wait.  If We think about expressing Our thoughts, is the thought about thought expression one of the thoughts that We express, even if We didn’t think about the thought expression thought before We express it, do you think?  (See why We can never get anything done?  Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) is HARD!))

 Fortunately, (Which, no matter how much We wish it did, does NOT imply the imminent arrival of a fortune.)

you'll be so darned entertaining that no one will mind.  (Socks all around!)

They'll be laughing too hard to get mad. (Our fat @ssz in blackface will do that for a person.)

You want to get closer, but you're just not sure. (Also, We want to get closure, but We’re just not surly.)

(What?  Okay, We ARE surly, but how could We resist?)

Don't rush things. (Especially the Limbaugh.  (See what We did there?  Neither do We.))

Nature will either direct the course -- or not.  (Well, that clears THAT right up, dunnit?)

The only word that could possibly describe how you're feeling now is 'antsy.' (Close runners-up would be “aspidistra”, “aubergine”, and “Armenian”.)

Uncross those hands, (What does that even mean?)

get up and stop pretending it isn't happening. (Again with the antecedentless “it”.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Do something!  (Johnny Depp!)

Nail-biting doesn't count.  (How about c0cksucking?  Does c0cksucking work for you?)

Just don't say more than you need to, which might be tougher than it sounds right now. (Hey, We just said “Johnny Depp” and “c0cksucking”…We’re gonna be too busy to SAY anything.)

 

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Nervous is why there’s new Cowgrass Dry)