Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 20^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Ginger, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Thereby causing Us to reflect upon people named after herbs and spices. Like Ginger. And Rosemary.  And Cinnamon on Mission:Impossible. (Although We can’t think of another example of a person named Cinnamon.)  And Angie Dickinson as Pepper Anderson on Policewoman. (Now THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.)

This led, naturally (We being We), to speculation on ethnically-related herb-and-spice namesakes.  Are there, for example, Indian women named Curry?  That would probably depend upon the attractiveness, mellifluence-wise, of whatever the Indian word for “curry” is. Of course, the English word “Curry” is pleasant enough to be someone’s name (although We can’t think of anyone named Curry right off the top of Our head(s)), but if the Indian word for “curry” is “phlegmschmutz” or some such, they probably won’t be naming people that anytime soon.

We shall have to research this further the next time We need to call a customer service hotline.

Although, come to think of it, We know a lot more Italian women than We do Indian women, but We don’t know any named “Oregano”.  (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), focusing on the word “Oregano” (which One does a lot less frequently than One might imagine) always makes Us think of Glenda Jackson, in some movie whose name escapes Us, going on and on about “ore-uh-GAH-no”, instead of “ore-RAY-guh-no”, making Us wonder if that’s an actual Britlandish pronunciation or just Glenda Jackson being a big ol’ freak.)

Shaun?

Of course, if it is pronounced Glenda Jackson’s way in Britland, it is much more likely that there are Italian women there named Oregano (Ore-uh-GAH-no)…

Shaun?

In other news, Happy Vigesimo de Mayo to everybody else.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lynda Day George.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Lynda Day George as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “Who the fuck is Lynda Day George?”))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, both Cher and Busta Rhymes were born today. As were Bronson Pinchot and Mindy Cohn. Them cupcakes is gonna be cray-cray!

Think more about the long-term today — your ideas are better suited to intricate plans than immediate tactical deployment.  (Ya know, it occurs to Us after Our discussion above, perhaps We should write a baby name book.)

You should be able to deal with people who are short-sighted.  (Do short-sighted people have seeing-eye Chihuahuas?)

(Try not to die laughing.)

You usually run your financial show on a tight budget, even if you don’t need to. (Wait…We have a show?)

And that goes for all aspects of your life, whether it’s the groceries, the necessities or the entertainment. (How exactly are groceries not a necessity?)

So when you let the world know that you’re ready to spend some money for real, don’t expect them to take the news without batting an eyelash. (Is it just Us, or would “The Unbatted Eyelash” be a great name for…something or another? (Not a baby…AssHatt.))

(It just occurred to Us that We’ve made it all this way without making a single Spice Girls joke…aren’t you proud of Us?)

(Orange you glad We didn’t say “banana”?)

They’ll be amazed and astounded — as will the lucky person you’re lavishing with attention.  (“Lavishing with attention” IS a euphemism, innit?)

 Volunteering is an excellent way to meet like-minded and cute people. (Random words do not always a sentence make.)

 Pick your favorite organization and dive right in. (Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team, here We come!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Precious and few are the moments we two can Cher

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, July 11, 2012.  Happy birthday to OurMaryPat, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all.  Not that you’ll bother wishing Us the same, but that’s the kind of philanthropical Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are…We just give and GIVE and GIVE.

We have Precious Little to report.  Precious Little being, naturally, Chicken Little’s gay brother.  Who was totally fabulous, until the Skyy™ fell.  Apparently, no one ever taught him the old maxim, don’t cry over spilt vodka.  Precious little was heard of Precious Little after that, despite the ascent to stardom of his (and Chicken Little’s) older brother, Rich Little.  Who became famous for doing Paul Lynde.  Well, doing impressions of Paul Lynde.  He may or may not have done him, also.  Precious Little certainly would have, but he and Rich Little didn’t travel in the same circles much after The Frank Gorshin Incident.

See how We just made something out of nothing there?  Stayed tuned, as later on, We shall being turning chickenshit into chicken salad.

Speaking of turning chickenshit into chicken salad, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around.  So get your tickets NOW, HERE:    http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

We have just been informed that it is Lisa Rinna’s birthday.  Feel free to either wet your pants, or slam your face into the wall until your lips swell to four times their normal size.

You can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. (Well, of course not.  We just wet Our pants in honor of Lisa Rinna’s birthday, and it’s chafing.)

You may get some great news, but even more likely you’re just rambunctious from pent-up energy that has to be spent. (May We just say that “rambunctious” is one of those words, much like “akimbo” and “mulligatawny”, that One can just never hear enough of.)

(We weren’t really ASKING “may We”, hence the absence of a question mark.)

Enjoy the results!  (Oh, sure.  Like We ever get any of THOSE.)

The culture that you’ve been a part of hasn’t been feeling like the right fit lately (Are you saying We should join a different Culture Club?)

(Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon…kiss Us quick, We’re Boy George.  Or Lynda Day George.  One of those.)

— is it time to see how the other half lives? (Depending on which half it is, could We watch ‘em die instead?)

Call up someone you know whose lifestyle is one you’d like to experience for a while. (We don’t even have a life; what are We gonna do with a lifestyle?)

The only thing stopping you from making a change in your life is you.  (Well, that and the fact that Lisa Rinna only left Us one pair of Depends™.)

‘All the Right Moves’ could be the title of your autobiography. (All the Right Moves is the Tom Cruise movie where he shows his penis.  What self-respecting gay boi doesn’t know THAT?  (It don’t matter how cray-cray he gets, We’d still fuck him.  (Oh, so would you, too.  Get off your high horse, Precious Little.  And while you’re at it, stop wasting good weed on your damn horse.)))

You know what to say and which cutie to say it to. (We’re not allowed to talk to cuties any more, now that there’s a restraining order and all.  (It’s sort of like The Frank Gorshin Incident, but with cameraphones.))

If you weren’t so natural and spontaneous, some might think you’ve had this planned from the start. (Well-planned spontaneity is the key to success.  Well, that and being able to fake sincerity.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Roll Over Beethoven, dig these rhythm and blues.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, June 08, 2011.  Happy birthday to Candace, and Kenneth, and Nathan, all of whom, coincidentally, turn twenty-four today.  Back in The Day (Doris?  Morris?  Dennis?  Lynda George?), they might have been reading this, as We would have included it in Our SitOnMyFaceBook birthday wishes.  Now, however, We are including Our video instead.  The diapers, they are a changin’. (Bob Dylan obviously had a much better editor than We do.)

Speaking of Our video, We are shocked, SHOCKED, We tell you, not to have received a single inquiry regarding Our nail polish.  Which is called “Rock the Night Away”, since you didn’t ask.  You’re welcome.

We are all excited anew about Our video, as We shot another episode yesterday.  (Two episodes, actually, for those who love their behind-the-scenes glimpses of the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope.) And We have decided that what Our real life is missing is a director.  Also, that Our entire life should be a movie.  Except when We are pooping.

Said video, (Not the one We shot yesterday…We are not a miracle worker (WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!)) as We are about to change the subject, is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

Also, Happy Hump Day to all the rest of you.  Especially the newbs…there may be some about-to-college-graduates in da house.  Of course, every day is Hump Day for that lot.  Because, as We all know, what does the in-the-know college graduate wear under the gown of his cap and gown?  A sophomore.

Meanwhile, We are knee-deep in preparations for La Festivale de Fringé.  (“Fringé”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “Frawn—ZHAY”.  Because We’re classy like that.)  Paperwork to be filled out, contracts to sign, checks to write, advertising to create, and all by Friday.  Of course, then they leave Us alone for two months, to create Our art.  It’s a good thing The Rapture was rescheduled for October instead of September; We’d hate to lose Our entire investment just because the world ended.

That being the sum total of what We know (and is it just Us, or is “sum total” a redundant repetition?), herewith Le Scope du Horreur (“Horreur”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “whore”.  Because We can do that.):

Today is all about service, (Coincidentally, We just got done saying “whore”.  How  ‘bout dat?)

and you need to make sure that you’re helping the right people. (It is Hump Day, after all.)

Customers at work are a good start, (WHORE!)

but you may also want to lend aid to the needy in your community.  (And what exactly are these “needy” gonna leave on the nightstand?  Just Our luck, We finally become a whore and don’t read the fine print in Our contract, and suddenly We’re a whore for the homeless.  Ya know, if ya give it away, you’re not a whore, you’re a slut.)

(We mistyped “whore” in that last bit, and Micro$oft Weird™ gave Us spelling suggestions.  None of which, oddly enough, was “whore”  The closest it got was “who’re”.  Which is, presumably, an Irish whore.)

 Don’t let anything go out the door without double-checking it first. (Don’t let the screen door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha.)

Little details must be caught, (But enough about prostitution.  Let’s get off the whores, and give someone else a chance.)

(All We are say-ing…is give penis a chance.)

and you’re in the perfect frame of mind to catch them. (If you framed Our mind right now, you would see a naked albino riding a polar bear in a blizzard.)

Use your insightfulness (Ah, yes, Our insightfulness.  In the Land of the Blind, the one-eyed trouser snake is a much bigger surprise when it goes up the back of your dress.)

(You Yanks and your colorful sayings.)

 to stop friends or family members from taking things a little bit too far — a diplomatic word here or there will save them some embarrassment. (Alternatively, they could wind up on reality television.)

You’re a valuable part of any team you are in.  (Don’t’cha just hate people who say, “There’s no “I” in team”?  We like to tell them, “There’s no “I” in “asshole”, either…that’s all U.”)

To make sure you’re used as much as possible, (How’d We get back to whoring again?)

speak up and raise your hand. (It may be a long time since We got laid, but We’re pretty sure it’s got precious little to do with raising your hand.)

It’s party time — right? (Or at least Miller™ time.  But hopefully not Arthur Miller time.   Because that?  Would be boring.)

Though you may have a few hot options, (And more than a few Hot Pockets™…have you SEEN Our ass lately?)

you need to keep your life in balance today. (Was that a fat joke?)

Take it easy (“Easy” is Our middle name. Unfortunately, Our last name is “BakeOven”.)

(With those two words conjoined like that, was anyone else thinking “Roll over, BakeOven”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

when it comes to love and try not to overdo it in any one direction. (Or on any one erection.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.