Can she bake a cherry pie?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FridayFridayFriday, February 22st, 2013.  We cannot tell a lie, it is George Washington’s actual birthday, so lettuce all take out Our teeth and gum some cherry cake.   It is also Brian Anthony’s birthday, so Happy Birthday Brian Anthony, as you turn twenty-four on each of your SitOnMyFaceBook pages.

Why would anybody have TWO SitOnMyFaceBook pages?  ;)

Of course, We SAY “We cannot tell a lie”, but that is, of course, a lie.  We can think of no advantageous reason, however, to tell you that “We CAN tell a lie”, as then you will no doubt watch Us more closely and possibly catch Us out.  And We choose to believe that what young George Washington meant, with an axe in his hand and a recently-deceased cherry tree at his feet, is, “I cannot possibly tell THIS PARTICULAR lie and have a chance in hell of getting away with it, so I will come clean, thereby making it infinitely easier to get away with my NEXT whopper”.

He was, after all, a politician.

Did We mention that We were recently crowned Queen of Norway?

Also, heh, We said “whopper”.  It takes, as you are no doubt aware, two hands to handle a whopper.  (No, really…it DOES.  That is not a lie.)

But enough history for one day.  (Actually, that IS a lie, because right away here comes some more history.)

Please watch the inventor of the Long Island Iced Tea make a Long Island Iced Tea:

Is it just Us, or are all y’all a little tipsy just from WATCHING that?  (Also, heh, his name is “Butt”.)

Speaking of big butts in videos, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

We repeated that paragraph in its entirety from the other day because We are still pondering what exactly the “sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” euphemism might actually mean.  Sigh.

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In addition to George “Pants-On-Fire” Washington, it is also Drew Barrymore’s birthday, as well as Kyle MacLachlan’s.  Something for everyone.

Family issues are on your mind today, and you should find that you can’t come up with any reason not to handle the domestic stuff before everything else. (Actually, if you drink the imported stuff first, the domestic stuff will go down easier once you no longer care.  True fact.  (We cannot, after all, tell a lie.))

Talk with family or roommates and start working on an answer.  (We haven’t even heard the question yet.)

When you find yourself thinking of an older person today, stop and pay attention.  (Older than what?)

This person symbolizes something that you need to integrate back into your life as soon as you can.  (Oh, goody, symbolism.  Our favorite.  If anyone wants Us, We’ll be out back chopping down a cherry tree.)

(Speaking of cherries and birthdays, is there a famous cherry cake that what passes for Our mind is refusing to conjure up for Us? We are not a fan of cherry pie, and We have to serve George something when he gets here.  (What?  He SAID he was coming.  And he wouldn’t tell a lie.))

 Give yourself time to figure out what it could be today — the answer might not be obvious at first.  (We are STILL waiting on the fucking question.  What is this, Jeopardy?  We’ll take Dead Presidents for $500, Alex.)

But remember: Just because something is in your past doesn’t mean that it needs to stay there.  (Thereby stating the premise of virtually every dramatic fillum ever made.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

Whatever you miss can be yours again. (Also, everything old is nude again. (Your birthday suit?  Needs ironing.))

 All you have to do is reach back and get it.  (Which is just an extremely polite way to say, “Pull it out of your ass”.)

You don’t have to suppress your strong reactions today,  (Well, it’s a GODDAMN GOOD FUCKING THING, you addled-pated cooter-faced AssHat!!!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but you can decide who gets to hear about it.  (Go tell it on the mountain, Mahalia Jackson.)

(It’s not every day Mahalia Jackson turns up in here, izzit?  She must’ve heard there was gonna be cake.)

Freaking out or falling all over yourself is almost certainly not the best way to go. (Wow.  The depth of the wisdom in that statement is damn near overwhelming.  Assuming, that is, that both whelming and underwhelming are practically in the same place.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Goldfinger…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, May 4, 2012.  May The Fourth…oh, don’t worry.  You have every right to expect that your Erix Daily Horoscope will not contain some wretched Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine joke.  Mainly because We wouldn’t even get it, having seen virtually nothing from the entire oeuvre.  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, Starzina Starfish-Browne has never seen Star Wars.  Nor has She ever eaten a Big Mac™.  There’s a third all-American thing She’s never done as well (although obviously it is NOT “talk about HerSelf in the Royal third person”), but what it is escapes Her at the moment.

Who just said, “Get laid in the back seat of a Chevy”?  WRONG!

We are, however, eternally grateful (which, parenthetically, as We typed it just now, could easily be construed to mean “full of grates”, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, despite being the second line of the “Hail, Mary”) for whichever installment of the Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine (copy-paste is a wonderful thing) franchise gave Us George Takei.

So, instead of some Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Why Do Le Frawnch Love Jerry Lewus, you get a kute koala bear.  You’re welcome.

Now, lest you think We are some sort of pop culture philistine (a definition of which We would be hard-pressed to produce), We can, in fact, tell a Star Wars joke from a Star Trek joke.  As long as they are not too obscure. And We have been collecting pictorial examples of same to share with fans of the WaitStaff’s SitOnMyFaceBook page, as there is a segment of that population that would appreciate same.  However, it would no doubt amuse many of you to know how difficult it was for Us to be certain that for today, We posted a Star WARS joke, not a Star TREK one.

Sigh.  Science fiction:  not the least bit scientific, but totally fictional:  Discuss.

Meanwhile, where else on a Friday morning are you gonna get the word “oeuvre” used in the same place as a “Hail, Mary” joke, all for free?  Nowhere, that’s where.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, another Good Time Was Had By All as The WaitStaff Played The Match Game!  Also, history was made as they leapt boldly into the 1997 concept of color-blind casting, with Mister Brian Anthony Wilson essaying the role of Match Game Celebrity Sean Connery.  (Hey, you play YOUR Match Game, We’ll play OURS.)  Who knows who will turn up (turnip?) to play tonight?  Last night, We actually had audience members who had been there the night before!  So come on down (oops…wrong game show) to L’Etage tonight!

Please note that the show starts at 7:30.  Doors open at 7, when you shall be meeted and greeted by the celebrities.

The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes! 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming:http://www.facebook.com/events/377171015666589/ )

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Just pay attention to people today  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(That just never gets old.)

— you need them in order to make sense of what’s going on. (If they would just knock it off, We wouldn’t have to worry about it.)

Your own instincts are usually enough but today is all about relationships and observation.  (How tiresome does THAT sound?)

You might get a bit of a shock today when someone known for selfishness steps up and makes a very generous offer. ( We shall wait with bated breath.  Also, We shall bait with weighted breath.  Just in case.  Also, Justin Timberlake in Justin Bieber.  PreDICKtably, Justin Bieber screams like a little girl.)

(Sorry…Our mind went somewhere else for a moment…where were We?)

This is the real deal, so if this offer is extended to you — grab it fast, before someone else does!  (Oddly enough, Our mind wandered, and yet We’ve managed to wind up in exactly the same (smutty) place.  Go figger.)

This person is going through a real growth phase, (Or a spurt.  If you will.  Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about you?  It’s Our fucking horoscope.)

and you are in a good place to enjoy the benefits of it. (Just don’t let it get in your eye.)

Take the opportunity to give your support and words of encouragement.  (“You can probably do it!”  “You’re not nearly as stupid as you look!”)

(Howzzat?)

Also, don’t forget to say thank you!  (Thank you!  Asshat!)

As long as you regard others with compassion and understanding, everything will be fine. (Oh, well.  You can’t have everything.)

Don’t get on your high horse and start judging people too harshly for their mistakes.  (We’re fairly sure We don’t have a horse, so We’ll be judging people harshly from a comfy chair.)

Show some forgiveness.  (Why?  What the hell have YouPeople done to Us now?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThirdsDay, May 3^rd, 2012.    Oh!  My!  God!  Boyzzz and Gurrrlllzzzz! We had SO much fun playing The Match Game last night!  No wonder those drunken celebrities came back week after week!   We may have to actually BE Bret Somers when We grow up.  (Although Sharon Geller would most likely kill Us dead. (Hi, Sharon!))  Brian Anthony Wilson was there, and volunteered to be a contestant; he had so much fun, that he’s coming back tonight as a Special Celebrity Replacement!  We can’t wait to see him in his Charo outfit…

Actually, a number of audience members from last night have said they’re coming back.  So what the hell are YOU waiting for?

(Please note that the show starts at 7:30.)  

The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes! 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming:http://www.facebook.com/events/377171015666589/ )

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying:http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY  Speaking of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist)s, We are somewhat confused by this comment We received on yesterday’s e-pisstle from Our dear friend AstroGeek (http://agskylab.blogspot.com/ ), who said, “Speaking as a Greek reader who's name just so happens to be the AstroGeek, I'm feeling a little left out here...”.  Now, said e-pisstle already contained a math joke, which We declared was for Our Geek Readers, and a butt secks joke, which was, of course, for Our Greek Readers, so We are not quite sure what has the dear boi so upset, but We are completely willing to placate him by engaging him in the butt secks while reciting Our times tables, so that should clear THAT right up.

(Does anyone else feel that that last paragraph was missing a slide rule joke?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Try to take a big step back and a deep breath before you say anything too critical. (What kind of stupid asshole advice is THAT?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Your energy is just right for giving feedback, but almost nobody wants to hear the worst first. (But they still want to hear what We reckoned second and Our word third, right?)

 Are you waiting for a great day to happen? (No.)

If so, you are thinking backwards. (Which, amongst other things, is certainly going to complicate the butt secks.)

You can’t wait for great things to happen to you (No, indeed.  That would be foolish.  It was also the title of that Samuel Beckett play, before he thought up Godot.)

— you have to go out and make them happen!  (Oh, sure; We have to do EVERYTHING.)

This includes every area of your life: romance, job opportunities and even good health. (Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

(Suddenly, “sweep the floor” has become a euphemism for the butt secks.  Household chores are a whole new world!  Perhaps later We’ll “run the vacuum”.  Or “polish the silverware”.)

(Heh.  This is fun.)

Set aside any silly notions you have about deserving what the universe sends you. (Silly Universe…Trix™ are for squids.)

You deserve whatever you want, as long as you’re willing to put the necessary work into making it happen.  (There’s always a catch.  That plus the fact that We keep barking up the wrong bois.)

Don’t be too critical of new people. (What if they’re stupid?  Or ugly?  Or their mothers dress them funny?)

Making assumptions won’t help you in the long run, (It will, however, make an ass of you and Uma Thurman.  (Could someone please inform Ms. Thurman that We have invented a saying about her?  Perhaps she would send Us a dollar.)

especially if you’re on a first date.  (A what?)

No one’s perfect, not even you. (And in that way, We are unique, just like everyone else is.)

Skip the judgmental attitude and keep an open mind. (Our mind is WIDE open.  That’s why things keep falling out of it.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.