Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDayThursday,
July Forf, 2013. Happy In Depends™ Day
to all of Our American readers. Our
UnAmerican readers might not understand the importance of In Depends™ Day,
which is pretty stupid, because just imagine not being In Depends™ when you
need to be In Depends™, and you’ll pretty much get it.
We
were going to take the day off, like most of the rest of you, but then We
figgered perhaps there was someone amongst Our Gentle Readers whose day would
be brightened by an e-pissode, and We figgered We’d do Our part. After all, not EVERYONE has the day off. Surely some of Our Gentle Readers are working
today, as they are, say, paramedics. Or
parade marshals. Or prostitutes.
Happy
Birthday, meanwhile to a whole HOST of patriotic people. Happy Birthday to Our American Cousin
Jennifer, who turns twenty-four today.
As does another of Our American Cousins, Kim, so Happy Birthday to her
as well. Also too, Happy Birthday to
Gabrielle, and Danny, and Michael, and Bob, each of whom turns twenty-four
today in various and sundry parts of the Youessive-ay.
That’s
a whole lot of folks all turning twenty-four today. In fact, that may be an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
all-time record. It is making Us imagine
a whole lot of determined American mamas-about-to-be, twenty four years ago, ‘round
about 11PM on July 3rd, crossing their legs tightly, clenching their
nether parts, and saying through gritted teeth, “Not YET, you little no-neck
monster!”
But
then, We’re imaginative like that.
Speaking
of Birthday Boy Danny, he was the first-ever Very Special Guest Star in one of
Our Time
of the Month Horoscope videos.
Which see, here:
Please
note that he’s not In Depends™, he’s In A G-string.
Meanwhile,
this just in from RuPaul: “This country was founded by a bunch of men wearing
wigs!”
In
other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER
2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh,
relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment
in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.
Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said
video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and
email it to your friends. Or put it on
their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they
are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
It’s not just folks We
know who were born today…there are plenty of celebrities, too! Malia Obama, Calvin Coolidge, Gina
Lollobrigida, Mitch Miller…We could go on.
And on. But why would We?
Avoid anything heavy or intense today — you’ve got to
deal with people who are pushing you hard already, and you are much better off
if you can force them to stick to ephemera. (You hear that, YouPeople? We’re forcing you to stick to ephemera. We have no fucking clue what that’s supposed
to MEAN, but that’s Kelli’s asshatted plan, and We’re sticking to it.)
There is a lot of
flirtatious energy flying around today, (Which is peculiar, because We’re all
alone here.)
and you could get
caught in the crossfire if you’re not too careful. (We’re just gonna stick to the ephemera,
thanks.)
This could be a bad thing if you are starting a new
relationship, because you really don’t need the distraction (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh. See what We
did there?)
when you should be concentrating on trying to get to know
someone better. (We would love to know
someone better. Most of the folks We
know are bitter.)
You need to stick with one romantic pursuit at a time! (How
trivial!)
But if you’re free and eager to explore new options, (Is
it just Us, or did that sound like an extremely polite way of saying, “But if
you’re a big ol’ slut”?)
today will be a very exciting and productive day for
you. (Especially if you’re a paramedic,
or a parade marshal, or a prostitute.)
(If you ARE at work today, and/or this e-pisstle
brightened your day, please lettuce know.
Comment below, or send Us a message.)
You find an easy out to a tough situation today, so don’t
worry about how you’re going to explain it. (Again, We’re all alone. We don’t have to explain anything.)
Just when things
are at their worst, (They get worser?)
inspiration sets you free. (Mmm-hmm.
We’re not gonna hold Our breath.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
Be patient and watch for clues. (We have run out of
jokes. Sorry.)
In
gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
