Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManicuristManiacallyManhandlingManchurianManateesMonday,
January Nineteenst, 2015.
Happy Martin Luther King Day to Juan Anne
Dahl.
(Today is not
Dr. King’s actual birthday (We Googled it on Wikipedia…his actual birthday was January fifteenst (which is just as well, as,
according to Our celebrity birthday website, today is the birthday of Robert E.
Lee and Paula Deen.))
Happy Birthday,
meanwhile, to Anita Manhattan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The
City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Which would seem to be contradictory, until One realizes that she is
named, not after geographilogical Manhattan, but after cocktailistic Manhattan.
Happy Belated
Birthday, meanwhile, to Allen, and Augustine, and Christopher, and Deborah, and
Donald, and Ed, and John, and Kate, and Madison, and Marc, and Michael, and
Natalie, and Rich, and Tina, each of whom turned twenty-four this past week.
We have frequently mentioned,
in past e-pissodes, that We have seen a not-insignificant number of Our Gentle
Readers in their birthday suits. Lest
you imagine that this is an idle boast, We should like to point out that, of
the fifteen people wished a happy natal anniversary above, We have seen no
fewer than three of them in the
altogether. That’s TWENTY PERCENT, people. (And
We won’t even get into what it’s equal to in inches. ( Or dog years.))
In other news, since
We converted to Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope!,
exactly ONE Gentle Reader has inquired as to Our whereabouts and/or Our
well-being. (Thanks, Joe.) The rest of
you may now begin sexting Us birthday suit pix to express your profound regret
for neglecting Us.
In other other news,
We are directing the classic comedy She
Stoops to Conquer (clearly, someone has taken leave of their senses), which will
open in April at the historic Powel House, and which is doing an indiegogo
fundraiser here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/she-stoops-to-conquer-at-the-powel-house/x/3785583
In other other other
news, this just in:
Your sign as a smell:
Aries - vodka
Taurus - grass
Gemini - armpits
Cancer - rain
Leo - new car
Virgo - coffee
Libra - paint
Scorpio - vanilla
Sagittarius – Pringles™
Capricorn - honey
Aquarius - wet rocks
Pisces - fresh laundry
We wouldn’t ordinarily
give credence to such a thing, but they have clearly met an Aries or two in
their time. We wonder what “grass” they
mean for Taurus, and how exactly Cancer’s “rain” differs from Aquarius’s “wet
rocks”. And poor Sagittarius…is it just Us, or do Pringles™ smell exactly like
feet? (We would feel sorry for Gemini, but that would depend entirely upon whose
armpits We’re talking about.)
As if the preceding
hadn’t enriched your lives enough, here’s this:
“Here is the link with which you may share
Our Capricorn video with both of your friends:
http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM ”
(That never
happens.)
And here, for your further edification, is
Our very first Capricorn video:
Upon reflection, these two videos are amongst Our much more densely-plotted cinematic efforts, due to the fact that Our director actually is a Capricorn (although quite unlike the unseen character from the videos).
We often ponder, in
the endless time afforded to Us by the fact that We are almost universally
ignored, how many of Our Gentle Readers actually realize that, if viewed in
order, Our videos actually have ongoing plots and storylines.
Moving on, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In celebrity birthday
news other than that mentioned above, it is Logan Lerman’s birthday. More importantly, were it (subjunctively)
not already a holiday, it is Dolly Parton’s birthday as well…perhaps folks
should get tomorrow off, too?
This isn’t a good
time for sitting back passively and letting things happen (It is Dolly GODDAMN Parton’s birthday…We are
sitting back passively and waiting for some muthafuckin’ CAKE. (We were told there would be cake.))
— far from it! (What is “it”, and
how far from “it” are We?)
You need to make
sure that you’re at the forefront of the action and taking care of your most
important tasks. (No, what We NEED is some muthafuckin’ CAKE. )
Your passion for
travel is rekindling. (Meanwhile, Our
passion for kindling is unraveling.)
(We have no idea
what We just said…as a matter of fact, We weren’t even listening.)
(If you’ve got a
passion for fashion, and you’ve got a craving for saving, take the wheel of
your automobile…)
(Oh, is that
jingle stuck in your head now? Too bad,
so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
If you can’t just
grab your passport and take off for parts unknown, go ahead and explore your
inner space. (Now, that’s just
dirty…)
That could include
watching a foreign film, (Art films? NUDIES!)
(I’m Neely O’Hara!)
enjoying a food
festival (Or a foot fetish
festival.)
or even reading
about a place that’s interested you for ages. (So wait…there’s a
book about Johnny Depp’s underwear drawer?)
You could also
strike up a conversation with someone from a place very far away from your home
base. (To say nothing of Our home planet.)
(No, really…say
NOTHING.)
You might just be
amazed at what you learn. (And wouldn’t that
be AMAZING? Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)
You might also
make a new friend in the process! (Actually, We prefer Our friends unprocessed
and all natural. And, in many cases, We’re
kind of partial to their birthday suits.)
There’s a fine
line between honesty and insensitive, and you may have just crossed it! (There’s also a fine line between illiterate
and full retard, and that “honesty and insensitive” bit has you so far across
it, Kelli, that you can’t even see it in your rearview mirror. Hire a goddamn proofreader, already.)
Telling someone
how you really feel is fine as long as you take their feelings into account. (What if We really feel that We don’t give a
shit about their feelings?)
Turn the tables
and think how you would react. (Kiss Us quick, We’re
Tina Table Turner.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
