My folks were always putting him down (down, down, down)

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMarilynMansonMonday, November 4^st, 2013.

Happy Belated Birthday to Michael, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to John, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, also somewhere in (or at least near) The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Additionally also too, Happy Belated Birthday to Sean, who additionally also too turned twenty-four this past weekend, albeit somewhere in Greater Bostonia.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday also too to Charlie, who also too turned twenty-four (but, presumably, not in a tutu (also his butt, presumably, not in a tutu)) in, We just found out, WISCONSIN.  Which makes him the THIRD person We know all of a sudden in that particular state, of which, until recently, We had been blissfully unaware, except as That State Which Looks Confusingly Like Michigan, But Not As Confusingly As All Those Square States That You Can’t Tell If They’re Colorado Or Wyoming Or Some Random Dakota Other Than Fanning.

Gentle Readers with reasonably-lengthed attention spans will recall that, just this past Friday, We celebrated the twenty-fourth birthday of Jen, who is also a Wisconsonianite, and remarked upon the fact that she is sharing her state, at least temporarily, with Our friend MikeDoh, who is there competing in the preliminaries for the Miss Wisconsin Pageant, his dreams of becoming Miss Pennsylvania having recently been dashed by a differently-abled lesbian.

MikeDoh, you will further recall, is next in line to have his very own Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! “Picturing {InsertGentleReader’sNameHere} Naked” Week, immediately following Gentle Reader John from Arizona by way of Zimbabwe, whose twenty-fourth birthday was also Friday, and whose Being Pictured Naked Week will commence as soon as he opens the SitOnOurFaceBook message informing him of same.

Geography is difficult.

As is communication.

In other news, not that anyone pays any attention to Us, but, should you be unable to avoid encountering Us sometime soon for some reason, you should be aware that We are having a particularly bumpy transition into the shorter/colder days portion of Our yearly program.  KThxBye.

Changing gears completely, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour ,  will be returning for one night only this coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

And here is the HorrorScope:

How, you might well ask, could anyone possibly be gloomy on Loretta Swit’s birthday?

Meanwhile, if you are on SitOnMyFaceBook and you have just discovered that Phyllis Diller is dead, please shut your fucking cakehole…she died on August 20, 2012.

You’re feeling upset — and for good reason!  (Indeed…it’s nuclear winter outside, and it will be dark at four o’clock this afternoon.)

People are acting like jerks today, (On the plus side, they are mostly being jerks by omission.  Which sounds like it should be akin to jerk-offs/emission, but it isn’t.)

but there’s not much you can do about it but lick your wounds. (Honey, if We could lick Our Own wounds, We’d never leave the house.  (Of course, given the time of year it is, We may never leave the house anyway.  At least till ‘long about April or May.))

Plotting revenge is for lesser mortals than you!  (That is, oddly enough, exACTly who We are plotting Our revenge on.)

This is not the time to leap outside of your comfort zone!  (Wait…We have a comfort zone?!?)

If you are not comfortable right now, you will not be happy.  (Well, that’s that, then.)

 Your emotions are driving you to make hasty decisions (Could We make hasty pudding instead?)

that might not be in your best interests in the long run, so resist the urge to start something new. (Also, why is AssHatt still talking, when the preceding sentence pretty much summed it all up?)

Later, you can start pushing yourself a little bit — to be more bold, more emotional, whatever. (So wait…We are pushing Ourself to be more whatever?  Why?)

That’s always invigorating, but it’s also dangerous, sometimes. (Being whatever is invigorating and dangerous?  We may have to go lie down…)

Just keep yourself busy with your daily routine for now.   (We may faint from the excitement.)

 Your eagerness to pursue fun and revelry is practically irresistible. (Whatever.)

People near you may feel like they can cut loose in a way they haven’t seen since childhood.  (Don’t poop your Pampers™, people.)

You’re leading the pack in a new way! (And that’s when We fell for…The Leader Of The Pack!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thoroughly Modern Millicent Martin, September 8, 2011.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Mikel and Cherry Pop, who may not even be turning a TOTAL of twenty-four today.  And lastly but not leastly, happy birthday to Kelly, who is turning twenty-four today, but is being granted a birthday do-over upon some drier date of her choosing, at which time she will not be required to turn any age whatsoever.

Speaking of the rising floodwaters, you will notice that the Wreligious Wrong Wrepubliklan Wingnuts and Whackadoodles have pretty much shut their pieholes about all of these natural disasters being Divine Retribution ever since Texas caught fire.  Asshats.

Speaking of things that are Divine, you really must toddle along to The Wedding Consultant  at your first opportunity.  (Your first opportunity being, We might point out, tonight.)  Tickets are available here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622 ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT.  You cannot possibly want to miss a show which was walked out on by two old farts and their Siamese twin grandchildren Chang and Eng for being “totally vulgar and offensive”.  (That is an actual quote from an email to the Director of the Fringe Festival.  We were given the opportunity to respond to the leprous louse-infested old cuntbag, but We couldn’t think of anything vulgar and offensive enough to call her. (Although We did do a happy little gay joy dance at the concept of No Refunds…We have your money, you fungally-infected fetid festering anal fistula!  Hah!))

Speaking of other things that are Divine, here is a lost episode of Touched By An Angel:

                                                                                                                                       

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Phyllis Diller’s ben-wa balls.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You should get all the help you need today as you struggle with your big, new ideas.  (We had an idea once, but We lay down until it passed. (Unless, of course, “big, new ideas” is a euphemism…will there be someone interesting at Our show this evening?  (Yeah, right.  That could happen.)))

It’s nice to know you can fall back on others who share your P.O.V. and want to see you succeed!  (Ordinarily, One would imagine that “P.O.V.” stood for “point of view”.  This being Kelli, however, We are disinclined to be sure.)

At certain points today, you might feel as though you’re struggling to keep your head above water, but don’t lose hope.  (Gee, ya think that, given what people are going through today, a little editing might’ve been in order there?  Fucktard.)

By the end of the day, you’ll be getting all the support and assistance you need.  (Well, We need all the support and assistance We need by eight o’clock.  (Preferably 7:45.))

Maybe someone will extend a looming deadline, get an annoying bully off your back, or just make you laugh when you really need a good chuckle. (Or maybe they will just point at Us and laugh as We go down for the third time (and not in a good way)).

(Wow.  These drowning metaphors are tough to avoid.)

The affect that the people around you have on your life is especially powerful today.  (Oh.  My. Gawd.  Welcome to PetPeeveVille, population Us.  The word you are looking for, Kelli you illiterate brain-damaged imbecile, apparently with an equally moronic editor, is “effect” not “affect”.  Jeebus!)

It’s not easy to achieve your love goals if your soul mate standards are unrealistic. (We do not find Our demands for a penis and a pulse unrealistic.  Correct Us if We are wrong.  (We thought We were worng once, but We were mistooken.))

The chances of a genius fashion model who adores all your annoying habits falling in love with you are pretty slim. (We do not have “annoying habits”.  We have “endearing idiosyncrasies.”  Bitch.)

Keep superhuman expectations to a minimum.  (Indeed.  With Our luck, We’ll meet Clark Kent, and never be able to find a phone booth.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.