Video killed the radio star

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManateeManhandlingManticoresInMandyPatinkin’sManCaveMonday,  October Twenniest, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Kate, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in North Carolina.  (Which is, geographically speaking, north of South Carolina, hence, presumably, the name. (On the other hand, it is south of West Virginia, so there goes that theory.))

Geography is complexicated.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Ami, and Cynthia, and Daniel, and Richard, each of whom turned twenty-four sometime this past weekend. (Although none of them did it in North Carolina.  (One of them DID do it in WeHo (West Hollywood, for you non-cognoscenti/non compos mentis Gentle Readers), but We have BEEN to West Hollywood, so We know exactly where it (geographically) is.  (Assuming, that is, that it stayed where We left it.  Geographers like to move things around when nobody’s looking.  See: Eastern Europe.)))

Sorry if Our attention wandered toward the end of that last bit…We were trying to invent a definition for a phrase We just neologized: “non compos Mentos™”.

On Friday, We promised you two screeds to brighten up your Monday:  one on the subject of the PC police, and one about Ebola. Unfortunately for you, We had a very nice weekend (not nearly as nice as the preceding one, of course, but still nice), and Our screeds ran out of scree.  (Our screeds got screwed? (Our screeds’ street cred…oh, never mind.))

Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, for you horror fans, it is Bela Lugosi’s birthday.  (For you whore fans, send a self-addressed self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will Do For A Dollar”.)

And We realize that “Web Video Star” is now a brand of celebutard, so Happy Birthday to Elih Tani. (Although Our Own Personal opinion is that you shouldn’t be allowed to be a “Web Video Star” unless We can Google up some naked pictures of you on Wikipedia.  (For you whore fans, send a self-addressed self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will Do For A Dollar”.))

(Speaking of whoring, this is We, putting "Elih Tani Naked" here to up Our hit count.)

You need to stretch yourself a little (Oh, great…more stretch marks.)

and see if you can get things back on track. (How ‘bout first, We see if We can get things back on crack?)

Your energy is just right (But how’s Our porridge?)

for volunteer work or just for doing random good deeds.  (We actually did that yesterday.  Twice.  Also, We were having a dream last night, and We caught Ourself being mean to someone in it. So We STOPPED.)

Rack up some karma!  (Why, yes…with every five karmas, you get a chameleon.)

Don’t worry about the rumors. (Except for the true ones…)

Yes, the powers that be may be thinking of making some big changes, but they have their eye on you for some bigger and better things. (Was that a fat joke?)

(Does anybody else miss Joanne Worley? Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 You’ve been a hard worker for as long as you’ve been there, (Where?)

and fortunately, you’ve been in the mood to work even harder over the past few weeks. (Doing volunteer work…how stupid are We?)

You’ll be very glad you did, very soon.  (Ah…the old “delayed gladdification” trick.)

With your busy life, (How DO you keep your toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?)

you’ve got a lot to keep track of!  (Crack…it’s not just for breakfast any more.  (Crack…the other white drug.  (Crack…it’s what’s for dinner.)))

It’s easy to get frustrated with all the details.  (We’re easy, and yet We’re still frustrated.  Go figger.)

Just take your time, and you’ll sort it all out and come out ahead. (For you whore fans, send a self-addressed self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will Do For A Dollar”.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

We’re having such fun…we’re going golfing

  

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Turdsday, November Turd, 2011.  Happy birthday to Sean, who turns twenty-four today.

We have absolutely nothing to report today.  We woke up, exhausted, at 3AM, after a dream in which We wrestled a bear, or some equally physically debilitating and ultimately futile endeavor.  We felt for all the world as though We had to let loose a fart of such cataclysmic proportions that both Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa would have been expelled from Our innards.  And yet, We were not actually in gastrointestinal distress…it was more as though Amelia and Jimmy were lurking about somewhere they shouldn’t in order to torment Us.  We did ultimately go back to sleep, but it was not at all restful, and We are, consequently, in No Mood.

Aren’t you glad We shared?

Orange you glad We didn’t say banana?

We would ask you all to share the following with at least one other person (or on, say, your SitOnMyFaceBook page) today, but We suspect you haven’t even looked at it your own self:

Here is the link with which you can share the preceding with your Scorpio-birthdayed friends.  Because, ya know, you care about Us like that:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

And now, without further ju-ju, Charlene Tilton as Amelia Earhart in The Jimmy Hoffa Story. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Your desires are stronger than ever right now, (Oh, We know!  We’ve even named a streetcar after them.)

(That there was a little litter-hairy joke for Our theatre geek friends.  You’re welcome.)

and you should find that you can get closer to achieving them without breaking a sweat. (Where’s the fun in that?)

Others may look on with envy, but that’s par for the course.  (Really?  From theatre to golf?  We are fairly certain that, in the history of the theatre from the ancient Greeks forward, there has never been a single play about golf.  (One of the aforementioned geeks will no doubt step forward at this juncture to prove Us wrong.  Just don’t be mentioning Shakespeare’s early draft of Much Ado About Niblicks; he was drunk that evening.))

Your energy is sky high today, (Yeah, no.)

and your focus is razor sharp. (Which part of farting Amelia Earhart did you not understand?  (We are now imagining a play entitled Farting Amelia Earhart, possibly as the sequel to Driving Miss Daisy.  Ours, of course, is funnier, because it has more fart jokes than the original.))

(From the We-Are-Totally-Not-Making-This-Up Department:  Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “fart jokes” to “fat jokes”.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Joanne Worley.)

So if you have been waiting for a time to organize your life, this is it. (Oh, see.  We thought We were supposed to organdize Our life.  More bad drag…hooray!)

Make time today to clean out a closet, fix up the garage or just do that load of dirty dishes in the sink — today is the day for it. (Wow…a day like that kinda makes One just want to go right back to bed.)

You have a great ability to create order out the chaos right now, so use it!  (“Chaos” is an odd word, no?  It’s like the letters are all out of order or something.)

You will have fun with whatever method you choose, whether it’s color coded folders, alphabetical lists or complicated computer programs. (Why is it called “Obsessive-Compulsive DISorder”?  They must HATE that.)

 Dating the same bad types over and over?  (And the same bad typists.)

 Instead of going with your heart, lead with your brain. (It’ll behoove ya to lead with your uvula.)

When you find like-minded people you’ll have more in common than just the usual initial attraction.  (Weren’t We on the hunt for these “like-minded people” just yesterday?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

But, oh! If We call the whole thing off, then We must fart.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, March 04, 2011.  Happy birthday to Liesel, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Brie Feingold-Africa, just in case she and Liesel happen to share the same birthday. (They do not, We are confident, Cher the same birthday, because that?  Would be silly.)  We certainly hope that that mewling, whimpering, sissified little sound We just heard wasn’t any of YouPeople saying, “Who’s Brie Feingold-Africa?”  Because, if it (subjunctively) were, We would have to inform you that Brie Feingold-Africa is the singer songwriter whose bitch you are, you just don’t know it yet.  However, as you are Our Gentle Readers, We shall help you to expand your minds and your horizons by sharing with you Ms. Feingold-Africa’s SitOnMyFaceBook page, which is as good a place as any to begin your Brie Feingold-Africa experience:   http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brie-Feingold-Africa/268964837529?v=wall

Also, happy birthday in advance to Rene, and Steve, and Tom, all of whom turn twenty-four tomorrow.  (Or should that be “each of whom turns twenty-four”?  Because, if they ALL turn twenty-four, then they’re apparently only turning eight apiece.   Math is HARD!)

Speaking of things that are hard (ahem), it has come to Our attention that We have committed an erroneousism.  Long-time readers will no doubt recall Himself saying something like, “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.”  Well, since Himself is still fast abed where visions of sugarbowls dance in his head, We can point out that (A.) Himself is an idiot and (2.) there’s a difference between mistaken and delusional.  But that’s neither here nor Cher (how did SHE get in here again?).  You’re here to see how We made a fool of Ourself, and thereby feel better about your own self by comparison.  Well, We were minding Our own business, as We (sometimes) do, and checking in on WorldWideInterWebNetzian friends and acquaintances, when Our friend Patrick from Greater Bostonia was heard to exclaim, “This has been such a difficult week for me that I decided I'd approach today as if it were going to be fabulous! Including exclamation points!”

Ever One to gleefully enter into The Spirit Of A Game, We immediately began composing in Our head a reply concerning interrobangs, and how Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize the word.  But suddenly, a niggling doubt crept over Us.  Now, ordinarily, We love a good niggle, but the niggle in question finally drove Us to Google “interrobang” on Wikipedia, and it was there that We discovered The Error Of Our Ways (which has nothing to do with The Error Of Our Weighs, which involves counting in Base Twelve to convince Ourselves that We’re not as fat as We really are (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We might want to change “fat” to “fast”.  Honey, if We fasted a little more, We might not have so much fat to change.)).  Turns out, all this time We’ve been referring to “!” as an interrobang, when it’s not.  An interrobang is “?!” (or a symbol combining the two); “!” is just a bang.

And YouPeople just let Us go on and on and on, no doubt sniggering behind your hands at Us all the while.  Just a bunch of sniggering niggles, you are.

In Our defense, how the hell could We be expected to recognize a bang when it’s been so long since We’ve seen one?

But soft…what light through yonder window breaks?  It is Our ass, eclipsing the sun.  Also, The Horoscope:

Your energy is best spent helping your people, (We have people?  Really?  Because there’s precious little evidence of anything getting done around here that’s not getting done by Us Our Own Self.  So if We have people, they must be Soylent Green, and We are stuck without a can opener.)

(Don’t think about it too hard; try to just move on.  (Having trouble moving on?  Consider that Micro$oft Weird™ wanted Us to change “how the hell?” a few paragraphs ago to “how?” Then consider that Micro$oft Weird™ can go fu(k itself. (But, whatever you do, DON’T consider a Soylent Green product that’s analogous to aerosol cheese in a can.)))

(Anybody tastes great when he sits on a Ritz™.)

either at work or at home. (Put them all together, they spell homework.)

You should avoid working on projects that are wholly personal, because they are likely to stall out until a few days have passed.  (Is this your clever way of telling Us that Mercury is in retrograde?  Because, see, when WE tell people that, We like to say, “Mercury is in retrograde”.)

(Asshat.)

Your ambition could get in your way today if you refuse an opportunity that doesn’t seem very strategic. (Meanwhile, if you replace “ambition” with “strategy”, and “strategic” with “ambitious”, you get a sentence that’s equally meaningless.  Go ahead, try it.  We’ll wait.)

(See?)

Today is not the day for strategy or planning. (Is it a day for spontaneity?  Because We have that on Our calendar for 2:00 to 4:45PM.)

Today is a day to roll (Was that a fat joke? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Joanne Worley. (We shall pause here, while all the chirren go and Google Joanne Worley.)))

with the punches and take on anything new that comes your way. (We can’t afford anything new.  We are so broke, We cannot even pay attention.)

You cannot prescribe your life’s path in any greater detail than you already have, so do yourself a favor and stop focusing only on what is in it for you. (Why?  What’s in it for Us?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Spread (Another fat joke?! (See that?  Was an interrobang. (How did they never teach that on Schoolhouse Rock ?)))

your time around to folks who can’t help you get your foot in any door.  (Come and foot in Our door…We’ve been waiting for you…)

Remember that you don’t have to go out every single night!  (Not only that, apparently We don’t have to go out ANY single night!)

It’s perfectly okay to take a break and do as little as possible tonight. (As though We needed your permission.)

(You say “permission”  and We say “persimmons”; We say “persimmons” and you say “permission”…)

(Did We mention that it’s National Grammar Day?  Because it is.  So call your Grammar and wish her a happy day.)

 Slip into your favorite PJs and relax with something mindless. (Because We are a highly-trained professional, We are not even going to make a joke here.  Because it’s Just. Too. Easy.)

You’re sure to feel better in the morning. (We’re way ahead of ya…We plan to feel better by Happy Hour.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Fat as I am, who wants to see a diva fat as I am?

Greetings, Exchequer Reimburses Itinerant Chimneysweep---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, November 17, 2010 (Happy D@mn Humpty Dumpty Day!  (Hey, if We can’t get humped, We’re gonna start pushing people off of walls. (If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some legs. (Four parentheses in, and We already have no idea what the fu(k We’re talking about.)))):

(You would have been so proud of Us yesterday.  Despite the weather in Clement (wherever the h3ll THAT is), We were a veritable whirlwind of outdoor activity and errand running.  We got to cross so many picayune little items off of Our list that We were forced to write “make a new list” at the bottom.  Upon which We promptly made a new list, and then crossed off “make a new list”.  Oh, the sense of accomplishment!  (Although it now occurs to Us that We failed to put “cross off ‘make a new list’” on the new list, and consequently missed out on that particular accomplishment.  Oh, well.  Just one more star on Our crown in Heaven.))

(Speaking of Heaven…Jeebus loves the little children/‘Specially in a tuna casserole./Baked or broiled; breaded, fried/With some coleslaw on the side/Jeebus loves the little children of the world…(that was a little religious song, to set the tone for the rest of this paragraph)…you will all no doubt be ecstatic to learn that Our Jeebus video has over 1000 hits.  Four months after We posted it.  To put that in perspective for you, here’s MC Escher.  (Just kidding…MC Escher’s been dead since 1972.) .  To put that in perspective for you,  the lovely and talented Willam Belli’s Vagina Song video, which was posted three weeks ago, is closing in on 200,000 hits.  Of course, he is a celebrity, a star of stage and screen, and a h3ll of a lot more lovely and talented than We are (and did We mention lovely?).  Also, he shaved his legs for HIS video.)

(And here, for your Humpty Dumpty Day amusement, are both videos.  Have a great Fall!)

(And, with no fanfare or hoopla (“hoopla”?) whatsoever, We just made WorldWideInterWebNetzian history by creating the first paragraph in the history of written history to contain Willam Belli, MC Escher, and Jesus.  And YOU were THERE.)

(If Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t tell Us that We had spelled “Willam” wrong, We would never be sure We had spelled it right.)

(How many of all y’all haven’t even recovered from “To put that in perspective for you, here’s MC Escher” yet?   We’ll wait.)

(Just kidding.  Erix Daily Horoscope waits for nomads.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to step up and show them how it’s done today (See, We always heard that phrase as “step up to the plate”.  Unfortunately, We never realized it was a sports saying.  Which explains he current size of Our @ssz.)

— your energy makes you unstoppable. (That’s gas.)

If you’re first in line, (The only thing We’ve ever been first in line for was to be last in line.)

everyone else should be able to keep cool while you take care of business.  (Alternatively, “everyone else” can go fu(k themselves.)

 It’s time to relax (That’s what Frankie says.)

and have some fun (Frankie says that too.)

— not alone, (But he doesn’t say that.)

(For you youngsters in the house, that was a little 80s pop culture reference.  Go Google it on Wikipedia.)

but not in a crowd of thousands, either. (Judging from the lack of success of Our Jeebus video, We’d be lucky to muster a crowd of tens.)

You want to have some fun, but you probably also want to spend your time with just one quality person. (Okay.  If, by “quality”, you mean “nekkid”.  (Hey, you have YOUR definition of quality, We have Ours.))

Someone you’ve been dying to spend your time with. (An undertaker?)

(ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaitress, and TryTheVeal.)

(Just as We typed that last bit, it occurred to Us that there are probably now enough Erix Daily Horoscopes out there that a computer could be programmed to write this every day.  And that made Us sad.  (Not sad that We would be replaced by a machine, but sad that other computers would probably still be the only ones reading it.))

So instead of dragging yourself out (Hey, We aint’ shaving OUR legs unless somebody’s putting US in a music video.)

and pretending to have a good time if you’re not really in the mood, (How ‘bout pretending to have good mood if you’re not really in the mime?)

(Is “mimefucker” a word?  (Here’s hint:  Micro$oft Weird™ says no.))

 snuggle up, kick back (Wait…are you in some way implying that We should only kick them if they kick Us first?!?)

and enjoy a quiet evening — a party of two. (Well, that’s two more than We have right now.)

 Your ability to navigate conversations is a great asset today (Was that a fat joke?)

(Joanne Worley called…she wants her shtick back.)

as you chat with someone sweet. (Or cheat with someone sweaty.  One of those.)

You can tell that they want to dig deeper, (Dapper double-dipper digs deeper in the diaper.)

(What do We want?  NONsense!  When do We want it?  NOUN!)

so ask some leading questions (Wanna see Us suck a golf ball through a garden hose?)

and let them do the rest. (In Bucharest.)       

(What?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )