Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, March 14, 2013. Happy Birthday to Berdine, who turns
twenty-four today. Also, Happy Pi Day to
the rest of all y’all.
We
actually started writing an e-pissode yesterday, before We got distracted by bright,
shiny InterNetz. And, in the spirit of “waste
not, wontons”, despite the fact that We have no idea what it means, here is how
far We got:
“Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,
March 13, 2013. Happy Birthday to Ian,
who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your)
Back. Also, Happy Hump Day to those of
you who are already ON your backs, in full Hump Anticipation Mode.
Our inner CD shuffle is now playing a song
called “The Humpy Pumpy”. It’s to the
tune of “The Hokey Pokey”, but it’s a
lot dirtier. (We’ll pause here for station identification to give somebody time
to explain “CD shuffle” to the youngsters. (Wait till they find out that Our
Own Personal CD shuffle is actually a mix tape.
On eight-track.))”
A-buh-duh, a-buh-duh, a-buh-that’s all
folks. As you can see, it would not have
been much of an e-pissode, had We (subjunctively) chosen to publish it.
But now, as Our reward for waiting, We have a
brand new Pope! Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, the original Broadway cast of
The Boys In The Band put on their
best jungle-red dresses, smoked up a bunch of altar boys, and, following an
extremely competitive swimsuit competition, crowned a brand spanking new Miss
Carmelita Pope-I-Verse, 2013. And not a
moment too soon, We might add. Why, all
of those pedophiles have been without a Protector and Champion for weeks on end
now. Somebody might have caught a few of
them.
Her Popeness has elected to call HerSelf Pope
Anne Francis The Talking Mule, which might seem a bit frivolous to the
ultra-pious, but She hopes it will distract them from the fact that her
strap-on is constantly balls-deep in an altar boy. We, of course, being a recovering Catholic,
shall refer to Her by Her true name, Pope Irrelevant The Thirteenth.
Now please get the bitch off of Our
television, and have Her stop interrupting The
Young and the Rest Of Us.
In other news, from The We Can’t Have Nice
Things But We Don’t Know Why Department, they are discontinuing Google
Reader. Sigh.
Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you
can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens just one week
from this very day) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say
you’re coming:
Speaking of Popes eating altar boys’ pies, why
don’t’cha all oil up Uranus and share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .
Apropos of absolutely nothing, here is last
year’s Pisces video, with the one and only Justin Bieber:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get
worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
But before things get that much worse,
lettuce make them even worser: one of the Hanson brothers (you know, the ones
who were the Jonas Brothers before the Jonas Brothers were, but after Menudo
was), Taylor Hanson, to be specific, is turning thirty today. And (here comes the worsest part), he is NOT
THE OLDEST ONE.
You’re welcome.
Your ambition is rarely a secret, (Indeed.
Today, We am bitchin’ in da kitchen.)
and on a day like today, what you want is
clear to see. (What she’s probably
TRYING to say is, on a clear day, you can see forever. Of course, We have no idea WHY.)
Go for it (Fuck that…send someone for it.)
— your path shouldn’t be blocked, (Note to Self:
call enemist.)
and even if you run into trouble, you can
handle it with ease. (Note to Self, Two:
buy ease.)
It is time for you to experience a few new
things in your life. (Wait…We have a life?)
Your day-to-day routine is losing some of its
excitement (Ya think?)
and you run a slight risk of getting too
complacent — and lazy! (Is lazy with an
exclamation point after it less lazy than lazy without an exclamation point
after it? (Never mind…We can’t be arsed
to figger it out.))
If you are living on a tight budget right
now, don’t worry — it doesn’t require a lot of money to go exploring. (Spelunking, on the other hand, costs a small
fortune.)
As a matter of fact, doing it on the cheap is
often much more interesting than going first class all the way. (Well,
good. Because We are cheap, and We have
no class.)
So put on some comfortable shoes and take a
new path at least once today. (Mmm-hmm.
Speaking of forgotten Broadway musicals, ya know that song, “You Can’t Get A Man With A Gun”? Well, you ALSO can’t get a man if you’re
wearing comfortable shoes.)
(This part is just for Our theatre queen
readers: wouldn’t it be fun if the Annie
in Annie Get Your Gun were
(subjunctively) Little Orphan Annie from Annie?
Discuss.)
(Somehow, Micro$oft Weird™ turned “more” in
the preceding paragraph into “moiré”.
Micro$oft Weird™ may actually be gayer (moiré gay?) than We are.)
Look to the universe and feel its power flow!
(Then, look to Uranus. (That ain’t
power.))
You’re full of energy (Reminder:
See Note to Self to call enemist.)
— and inspiring others, too. (What if Our
inspiration has passed its expiration date?)
You may even be moved to do something
completely spontaneous that influences your love life. (Note to Self,
Three: Do something completely
spontaneous. Preferably at 4:45, after
your enema.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
