But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, September 06, 2012.  Sigh.  Our life, she has apparently become, how you say, predictable.  For example, if We are unable to sleep from, say, 3AM till 6AM-ish, what will happen on Our Street Where We Live when We finally doze off?

A jackhammer.

But then, you knew that.  Because if you had a jackhammer?  You’d jackhammer in the morning.  You might possibly also jackhammer in the evening, and possibly all over this land.  But you would CERTAINLY jackhammer on Our Street Where We Live.

Meanwhile, how stalker-y is that stupid song?  Not the “If I Had A Jackhammer” one, the “On the Street Where You Live” one.  That dude is totally creeping on that chick.  You just know there’re unsung verses where he peeps in her bedroom window, and steals her panties off the clothesline.

Just sayin’.

In other news, We are off to a Jawb this afternoon.  We are participating in a survey on Indelicate Subjects.  We hope We can keep a straight face.  Well, We hope We can keep the face We have from cracking up hysterically.

In birthday news, happy birthday to Debbie, who turns twenty-four today in Oregon or some such place.  We don’t think she actually reads these e-pisstles, even though We read her e-pisstles religiously (see what We did there?)…how izzat fair?

Also, Kelli would have Us believe that it is still Idris Elba’s birthday.  We still don’t know who the fuck he is, but apparently he gets a forty-eight hour birthday.  Other sources inform Us that today is the birthday of someone called Fanny Wright, who “found a commune in Tennessee”…is anybody missing a commune?  And also of someone called Dallas Friday (We suspect her mother was heavily medicated and without her reading glasses when she was filling out forms in the obstetrics department) who “started her career as a gymnasty”.  That’s MISS Friday, if you’re gymnasty.  A gymnasty, of course, is someone who leaves the parallel bars perpendicular after she is finished using them.

ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaiter, and TryTheVeal.

Speaking of where We’ll be all week…er, month, tomorrow is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here: http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar .

Hear the WaitStaff’s praises sung here:  http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/arts-and-culture/stage/funky_four_plus_one_more-168536276.html   

And Our Own Personal praises sung here: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(We just took a quick peek at Our Google-O-Meter™ to see if there was any joke fodder lying there un-unearthed.  For the last time, people, We have no idea how big Raymond Burr’s penis was.  Jeebus.)

(Meanwhile, it has come to Our attention that this is Our 600^th e-pissode in Bloggonia.  We are going to sit here and wait till someone brings Us cake.)

Your hard work is starting to pay off today, so make the most of this time and see if you can push things forward a little bit. You may find that your people are slowing down, though.  This morning, what seems like an innocent conversation to you might hold an entirely different connotation for one of the other people involved. You have to acknowledge that your words could have more than one meaning. There’s nothing you can do to stop someone from reading you the wrong way right now, but there is a lot you can do if a misunderstanding occurs. As soon as you get an inkling that someone has the wrong idea, you have to talk to them about it.  It might be true that all you need is love, but it’s also true that a great pair of shoes, a flattering haircut and a sweet attitude don’t hurt, either. It’s time to give your appearance an overhaul!

(Where’s Our fucking cake?)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Shall We dance?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManwich™Monday, May 21th, 2012.  How has it gotten to be the 21th of May already?  Time fries when you’re hassling nuns.  Happy birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today.  In California.  Swimming pools, movie stars.  Also, Happy Victoria Day.  To Our Canadian readers.  Named Victoria.  (Is it just Us, or is that an awfully specific holiday?  It’s not like it’s Brazilians named Bob.  Or Chinamen named Wang.  (So solly…one paragraph in, and We’ve already Wang the Wong number. (We mistyped “Chinamen” two sentences ago, and Micro$oft Weird™ suggested that We might mean “Chainmen”.  What the hell are Chainmen? (Meanwhile, having suggested “Chainmen” but NOT “Chinamen”, We now notice that Micro$oft Weird™ does NOT mark “Chinamen” as misspelled.  So it tacitly acknowledges the existence of “Chinamen” but won’t overtly suggest its use.  Way to be politically correct.  Also, shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.))))

Meanwhile, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz are all abuzz with knowledge this morning.  Herewith a few tidbits:

BABY BUMP:  the amount of cocaine you give a baby.

SON - I got kicked out of math class today.

MOM - Why?!

SON - Apparently the answer to "What comes after 69?" isn't “mouthwash”.

MOM - GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Dear Gay Bois on the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  Kindly refrain from posting something entitled “A picture of me with New Hair” when you have shaved off all your hair.  That is “A picture of you with NO Hair”.  There are only three times when it is appropriate to shave your head:  when you are losing your hair due to male pattern baldness or cancer chemotherapy, when you are joining the armed forces, or when you have been cast in the leading role in The King And I.  Any other shaving of the head does not make you look BadAss, it makes you look StupidAss.  And don’t even get Us started on Those Glasses.  KThxBye.

We just this minute recalled a dream last night in which We were riding a skateboard.  Not only have We never done this in real life, We are fairly sure We’ve never even seen an actual skateboard up close and personal.  We share this with you so you can enjoy pixturing Starzina on a skateboard.  Speaking of StupidAss.  You’re welcome.

In other news, We have moved into Gemini.  Here is a fillum for you to resoundingly ignore:  http://youtu.be/YBwdacfn2Vk

Here’s  the HorrorScope: 

Kelli wants Us to know that it is Lisa Edelstein’s birthday.  Who the fuck is Lisa Edelstein?  More to the point, it is Raymond Burr’s birthday, and Peggy Cass’s birthday, and Mr. T’s birthday.  Pity the fool who talks about Lisa Edelstein’s birthday on Mr. T’s birthday.  (Mr. T is sixty today.  You would think he’d’ve earned another letter by now.  You would be wrong.)

An email comes your way today — probably fairly late — that changes your plans in a big way.  (Is it just Us, or does email sound quaint all of a sudden? Like billet doux, or carrier pigeon?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

It’s for the better, so there’s no need to gnash your teeth in worried frustration.  (They did the gnash…they did the Monster Gnash!  They did the gnash…it was a graveyard smash!)

(Sorry.)

Keep checking in!  (Roaches check in, but they don’t check out.)

Your family dynamic is entering a new phase right now — do not be afraid to explore it more thoroughly today. (The excitement just never stops.)

There is a new closeness growing between you and a sibling or close cousin, and it could be very exciting.  (That is just wrong.  On so many levels.)

They want to hear from you, so drop them a line.  (We shall send a billet doux by carrier pigeon.)

 A quick email inquiry about what’s going on in their life or about the latest news you have to share will pave the way for a rewarding conversation about your futures and how they could combine.  (Okay, this?  Is ten of the most boring horoscopes EVAH.)

Technology can make mundane tasks fly by, (Also, absinthe makes it hard, Jane Fonda.)

(What?)

 but don’t use it as a substitute for real face-to-face communication with that certain someone you’ve had your eye on. (Not even the glass-eyed hooker joke can save Us now.)

Take the next step offline.

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty big man

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Munty, March 26, 2012.  Much like Micro$oft Weird™, We are sure there are many of you cunning linguists who would like to point out to Us that “Munty” is not a word. And to both of you, We say:  “Duh.”  “Munty” does, however, rhyme with something We feel ever so much like being this morning; lettuce see if We can restrain Ourself and maintain civility…

We trust you all enjoyed the Very Special Weekend E-dition of E-rix Daily Horoscope, complete with dirty jokes.  (We have to trust, as, much like Helen Keller falling down in a forest, We heard no sound.  (Whoops…We seem to have spilt some Asti Spu-Munty.  (No use crying, though. (Heh.  See what We did there?))))

In case you are New Here, or only read these e-pisstles to relieve the tedium of your workplace, or had an interesting weekend, We shall pause here to give you a chance to read the aforementioned Special Weekend E-dition of E-rix Daily Horoscope:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/03/always-love.html

(While We’re pausing, it may interest the rest of you to note, as it does Us, that apparently “aforementioned” has no present tense. (We’re feeling existential…are We here?))

Okey-dokey-artichokey…now that, much like Our Congressional representatives, We’re all on the same page (wait for it….THERE ya go!), moving on…

Thorough Gentle Readers (as opposed to you naked skimmers…who could at least have the decency to sext Us a picture of yourselves from time to time…We’re just sayin’) will be familiar with Our promotion of the following:

Those of you who were fans of Michael Doherty, who played Justin Bieber  in Our Pisces video,  might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die:

The burr under Our saddle this morning…well, ONE of the burrs under Our saddle this morning…let’s call this one “Raymond Burr”…everybody LOVES him…ooops, did We digress?  Well, of course We did…ya think it’s easy to write this stuff, let alone on horseback? What were We talking about?  Oh, yes:

The Raymond Burr under Our saddle this morning (and, now that We think of it, that would be a mighty big Burr…especially in his later years (now We’re imagining a sort of Princess-and-the-Pea situation…although you’d hardly have to be a delicate flower to notice Raymond Burr under your saddle (and please note that We did NOT say “Princess-and-the-Pee”, which is a whole ‘nother story about bedwetting (or “Princess-and-the-Penis”, which is the porno version of same…DAMMIT!

The burr under Our saddle this morning (why we didn’t say “thorn in Our side”, We’ll never know) is that, as of this writing, these gentlemen’s KickStarter project has the exact same number of people PLEDGING MONEY to it as have even bothered to click on Our latest video: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Really, people?

Now, mind you, this is not to in any way denigrate the fine folks at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die.  We heartily endorse their project and will continue to promote it, and We look forward to it like Paula Deen looks forward to an all-you-can-eat fried buffet.  And We realize that there are more of them than there are of Us, and that they are younger, more attractive, and one of them has Justin Bieber’s penis.  But still…

Really, people?

(Please do not allow yourselves to become distracted, as We just did, by the fact that the phrase “one of them has Justin Bieber’s penis” makes it sound as though he carries the thing about on his keychain, much like a lucky rabbit’s foot.  Because that?  Would be disgusting.)

Paging Munty Hall…Munty Hall, to the white courtesy phone please…

Okay, totally changing the subject…

This morning on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We learned that chickens? Will eat chicken.  Presumably because?  It tastes like chicken.

Also, apropos of nothing, We were walking down the street on Saturday when We heard, behind Us, a voice that sounded exactly like Chris Colfer from Glee. (Chris Colfer, for you non-Gleeks, plays Kurt, the somewhat effeminate gay kid.  He has an extremely distinctive, high-pitched, somewhat sibilant voice.)  The voice was talking on a cell phone, extremely loudly:  “Oh, sure, he can throw far, just not at anyone in particular.  Tim Tebow throws like a girl!” (It was much funnier in Chris Colfer’s voice.)

When We finally got to see the owner of the voice, it was a Chinaman. In short shorts.  With shaved legs.  (If you dare wear short shorts, Nair™ for short shorts.)

Not even Charlene Tilton can save Us now.

Too much clutter could be wreaking havoc with your nerves, so make a real effort to deal with your stuff. (Oh, hell, just throw it under Our saddle…We’ll never notice.)

It may be a good time for you to step up and have a yard sale. (Well, except that first, We’d have to buy a yard.)

It’s cleansing!  (So is an enema, but with friends like that, who needs one?)

(We have never understood that saying.  (“With friends like that, who needs enemas”, for you ADD types.)  What exactly are you DOING with these friends of yours?)

There will be a pause in the action today

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— you have a lot of momentum going on in various projects right now, but it’s time for patience, not for progress.  (Also, apparently, alliteration.  Asshole.)

Slowing down will give you a chance to kick off your shoes, sit down and get comfortable.  (Not if Raymond Burr has anything to say about it.)

Work on learning how to accept the fact that you can’t always have things happen as quickly as you think you want them to. (Well, okay, as long as We can learn that really quickly.)

The universe has a different speed in mind for you, (Puree?  Frappe?)

and it’s liberating to just go with it.  (Wouldn’t it be more liberating to go without it?  Just sayin’.)

 Don’t get too full of yourself  (Or your friends will have to give you an enema.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ keeps wanting Us to change “enema” to “enemy”.  Why would Our friends give Us an enemy?)

as your confidence soars at work. (Jigga what?)

Embrace your good fortune (, Cookie.)

and spread that energy around to others. (Ene-mee, ene-mah, ene-mee, ene-mah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha …)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Rock the boat (Don’t rock the boat, Baby) Rock the boat (Don’t tip the boat over.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mundee, June 27, 2011. Welcome to Our Very Newest Reader, who arrived here no doubt accidentally (and, possibly, Occidentally) on the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Shores of Gitcheegoomee by searching “Raymond Burr penis size”.  We trust he (We are assuming (thereby something something Uma Thurman’s ass) “he”…are there women who are concerned with dead men’s penis sizes?  Please advise.) is settling in nicely; trust Us, the confusion will pass.  It will not, however, pass any more quickly as We contemplate attempting a Nicely Nicely Johnson/penis pun, only to decide against it, as We don’t want to rock the boat.

The musical theatre queens all just groaned in unison.  In four-part harmony. And Raymond Burr rolled over in his grave.  Which measured eleven on the Richter scale.  (His rolling over, that is.  The Richter scale doesn’t measure penises.  (Penii?))

Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in CrackerJack™.

We are drinking green tea.  It is yellow.

Also, We have a pain in Our shoulder. And a hole in Our bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza.

Just to be clear, someone DID actually find Us by searching “Raymond Burr penis size”.  We don’t make these things up just to titillate (heh) you.  We love Our Google Bloggonian statistics.

Here is something We DON’T love:  in Our never-ending efforts to remain positive and upbeat, despite the black cloud that follows Us around, the black fly in Our Chardonnay, and Our general Job-like existence (That’s capital-J “Job”, like the guy in the Bible (Yes, We have read the Bible.  The butler did it.)), We have decided that We shall completely ignore mean-spirited attacks such as, “You suck.  And, if you ask really nicely (heh), we’ll tell you just exactly WHY you suck, and HOW MUCH you suck.  Because we’re here to help.”  And the lovely corollary, “You suck, but we’re too busy and important to be bothered telling you why right now.  But your call is important to us, so someday we’ll get back to you and tell you why you suck, and how much you suck.”

See, here’s the thing:  there is only ONE Royal We around here, and We are Us.  Or, more grammatically, We are We (all the way home).  Also, We have met the enema, and he are you.  So knock it the fuck off.

Radically changing the subject, We appear to know a great many more Cancers who were born later in the sign.  But, in case you know some who were born earlier, and would like to share with them The Gift That Keeps On Giving (no, not herpes…get your mind out of Uma Thurman’s ass), here is Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  . 

In still other news, We are now following Neil Patrick Harris on Twitter.  We wish We had a clue what the hell that means.

Push hard to make sure that your viewpoint is more widely adopted — but do so diplomatically. (We are an Aries…have you met Us?)

Playing hardball is likely (And again We say:  have you met Us?  We do not “play ball”.   No matter what adjective you choose to attach to the ball in question.  Of course, given the opportunity, We have been known to play WITH balls; perhaps this was the source of your confusion.  Don’t let it happen again.)

to backfire on you, (Unless there is a car involved, “backfire” is a euphemism for farting, no?)

and you don’t have time to waste on backtracking.  (Or, worse yet, backpacking.  Which is enough to make One take up cracksmoking.)

 Even someone who is agreeable and charming may have some devious intentions. (How fortunate for Us, then, that We are unacquainted with any such people.)

Do not let yourself trust people just because they seem trustworthy — wait for proof!  (You heard the lady…take OFF that Boy Scout uniform, Skippy!)

Watch for people who are smiling broadly today — they may have something to hide. (Alternatively, they may have already hidden something.  Something battery-operated.  In their nether regions.)

(Bzzzzzzzzzzz…..)

Try not to commit to anything legally binding or financially risky right now. (NOW ya tell us.)

You may not have all the necessary facts.  (But We have plenty of unnecessary ones.  For example, it is physically impossible to lick your own elbow.)

(AAAAaaaand now you’re all trying to lick your own elbows, you kinky elbow-licking elbowlickers, you.  We certainly hope you’re not at work doing that. (Plus, who knows where those elbows have been?))

Are you looking for a sign? (Yes.  “Slippery when wet.”  Have you seen it?)

Instead of gazing at tea leaves  (We thought We’d covered this. We are drinking green tea.  It is yellow.  All the leaves are brown .  (All the leaves are brown.) And the sky is gray.  (And the sky is gray.))

or checking in with a crystal ball, (That’s gonna leave a mark.)

you need to visit coupled-up friends for an quick chat about romance. (We don’t know about you, but where WE come from, it’s rude to visit friends while they’re coupling.)

Get some good advice on how to look for your next love.  (What, following him on Twatter isn’t enough?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola…C-O-L-A cola.

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, March Threeth.  Happy birthday to Cliff, who turns twenty-four today.  It occurs to Us that We have no idea if Cliff reads these epistles or not. Perhaps MizLOretta will read it to him.

Why, oh, why We could not have stumbled across today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Fleur De Lis Cri De Coeur Ruby Dee Raymond Burr the other day when it was Tooting Midget Day, We haven’t got any idea.  (For the benefit of Our Gentle Readers in Our homeland across the pond, We should point out that, while in Greater Britannia, “Tooting” is a geographical place, here in the Colonies, “Tooting” is a gastrointestinal activity.  (“Tootie”, of course, is a character on The Facts of Life.))

Meanwhile, lest you are less than pee green with ennui…er, envy over The Glamour that is Our Glamorous Life, We should tell you that We spent Cocktail Hour yesterday at the World Café Live, at a party welcoming the print edition of The Onion newspaper to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Absolutely everybody who is absolutely nobody was there.  Some rum company of which We had never heard was purveying its wares in the form of several cocktails One would never actually consume in public.  One of these was a watermelon mojito (We kid you not), a pink frothy concoction garnished with fruits, flowers, and god-knows-what else.  This cocktail was gayer than anal sex with Liberace’s poodle. (Which in no way stopped Us from consuming one.)

Arf!

(Heh.  We just threw that in there for the dog lovers. (Heh.  Get it?  Dog lovers.))

Oh, fine; be that way.  Here comes The Horoscope; don’t get any on ya:

What's a Ram to do when life insists on throwing red flags? (Well, that depends.  Is it a true crimson red, or more of a cerise?  Red can be very difficult to accessorize properly.  And flags are SOOOO 2004….)

(What?  We had ONE watermelon mojito.)

 Act now (Why?  Do YOU see an audience?  Because We? Do NOT see an audience.)

and think about all of the boring conjecture and consequences later. (You are so negative, Kelli.  What about all the PROjecture and PROsequences?)

Follow your fate or follow your free will. (Follow your feet or follow your refill.  Follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit wherever it grows. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.)

(Did We mention that We also had some sort of daiquiri that had a flower in it?)

The choice is yours. (And I’ve made up my mind; I’m keepin’ my baby.  Papa don’t preach….)

(Umbrella drinks…they’re not just for breakfast any more.)

 A fog of drama has settled on your life today, and whether or not your actions are the cause is irrelevant. (Seriously?  “A fog of drama”?  Is this a horoscope, or a Harlequin Romance novel?)

The problem is that this haziness could be making trivial issues look like real problems, and making real problems look like simple things that will just work themselves out. (Apparently, “haziness” is this asshat’s code word for “marijuana”.)

Flip your perspective around today, (You can flip your perspective, and you can Flip your Wilson, but don’t flip your Johnson.)

(No, We have no idea what We’re talking about. What was your first clue?)

and make your seemingly trivial tasks your first priority. (What of Our trivial pursuits?)

As usual, you feel the need to be on the go. (Indeed.  Us and Tootie, tooting all the way to Tooting, singing “Toot-Toot-Tootie, Goodbye”.)

(Wethinks there may have been a cat-on-a-hot-tin-roofie in our sissy drink.)

(“Wethinks” is, of course, the Royal We version of “methinks”. And We are the Queen of Rumania.)

Now is the time to enjoy pure stillness. (Pure silliness sounds much more enjoyable.  But, hey, whatever toots your midget.)

Find a safe, quiet space and just listen to your mental ramblings. (That way lies madness…)

You could find the answer to something that’s been bugging you. (Why IS there no name for the tops of your feet?)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.