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Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October TwennyEightst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Deb, who turns twenty-four
today all the way out on The Left Coast.
In El Lay. Which We always
imagine to mean WeHo. (West Hollywood,
for those who are geographically uninclined. (Like the not-so-famous Uninclined
Plane. (Which is not so not-so-famous as
The Non-Leaning Tower of Pisa.))
Happy Birthday also to Soi, who also turns
twenty-four today. Also in Hollywood.
Albeit Hollywood, Florida. Which We’re
just gonna go right ahead and call “East Hollywood”. “EaHo”, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what
makes you imagine that it’s all about YOU?)
Because We’ve never heard anyone from El Lay talk about an EaHo out
there, so We hereby declare that there isn’t one.
(Hey, We obviously have that power…just one
paragraph ago, We invented The Non-Leaning Tower of Pisa, and YouPeople all
bought it.)
Speaking of power, We would like you all to
know that We fixed a very pesky computer problem this morning, before We even
had any coffee! We are Woman, hear Us
roar, like a drunk Zsa Zsa Gabor….
But, before We stray completely from the subject,
Happy Belated Birthday to Blaine, and Celeste, and TJ, and Cheez-Its™ Box, each
of whom turned twenty-four somewhere over the past two days.
In case you were wondering where We were
yesterday (yeah, right), We spent the morning responding to a guest complaint
from the Murder Mystery Factory, and the early afternoon making the November
schedule for same. Neither of these
activities earned Us so much as one nickel to rub against another one, assuming
We had the first nickel to begin with.
Clearly, We need to re-evaluate Our position
and draw some serious boundaries. On the
plus side, in the middle of it all, We booked a focus group for the following week,
so that’s a good thing.
Oddly enough, We have precious little else to
report. We did watch (and thoroughly enjoy)
The Grand Budapest Hotel on Sunday. And We have plenty of things We could
complain about, but why bother? We’re still waiting around for results from
last week’s “Show Us The Penis” Week.
(This seems like it would be a good place for
a Leaning Tower of Penis joke. If only
We knew one…)
(For the naked skimmers and newbies in da
house, here is a link to the aforementioned inaugural “Show Us The Penis”
e-pissode:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first,
nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into
Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may
share it with both of your friends:
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And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity
birthday news, Telma Hopkins of Tony Orlando and Dawn fame was born today, and
if you know of a better reason to celebrate, We’d like to hear it. (For some
reason, We were just persuing Our Google-O-Meter™ and had an acid flashback to Francisco Lachowski’s birthday. Which seems as good a reason as any to put a
picture of him above.)
It’s a really
good time for you to make new connections and try to get others to share their
perspectives. (Paging MC
Escher…MC Escher to the white courtesy phone…)
Your great
energy is sure to make life more interesting for at least one person from far
away. (And how exactly does that help Us?)
The stars are set and ready to turn you into a
veritable machine when it comes to getting the job done, and getting it done
well. (Could We get it done medium rare?)
This diligent
influence will be just what the doctor ordered — if you want to keep your job,
that is. (We’re
evaluating that…We may, in fact, have too much job for the money.)
All this hard
work could get you a promotion! (Fuck that noise…how ‘bout a raise?)
Something new
breathes fresh life into your romantic business. (Yeah it does…two
weeks from now.)
It could be as
small as a new lip gloss or sunglasses, or maybe somewhat grander, but it gives
you a new lease on love. (Wait…We’re RENTING?
The hell?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
