So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SadderButWiserGirlDay, July 28, 2012.  We just dropped by for A Very Special Weekend E-Pissode Of Blossom…Er, Of Erix Daily Horoscope, partly to make up for some of the crappy e-pissodes We produced this week, and partly because We are well aware that all of Bloggonia is wondering if We watched the Olympics Opening Night…and We are here to tell you…

…We will watch the Olympics when they have Prince William and Prince Harry Jell-O™ wrestling in edible Speedos™.

Now that We’ve sent Princess Diana a-spinning in her grave, on to actual matters of importance.

As you are probably aware, some of the income that keeps OurHouseWhereWeLive running like the well-oiled crackhouse that it is comes from WorldWideInterWebNetzian opinion surveys.  (Because if anyone has an opinion, We do.)  Earlier this very morning, in fact, We were Opining For Dollars in a survey on the subject of nuts (We are NOT making this up), in which We were asked to indicate how much We agreed or disagreed with such statements as “I like telling my friends and family about new nuts that I try” and “I pride myself on knowing a lot about nuts.”

Sometimes the jokes, they write themselves.

In other news, We had one of Our epic dreams last night, with about sixteen different subplots.  In the course of said dream, We had not one but TWO full-blown (heh) affairs, which were, as you might imagine, equally complexicated, one by the fact that Our partner kept having to go to work, and the second by the fact that Our partner seemed to be married. (The first partner was one of those idealized Dream People, but the second partner was an actual person from Real Life.  Who is in fact married.  And whom We have, in fact, had The Sex with.  (BEFORE he was married.  We are well aware that one of The Ten Commandos is “Thou shalt not commit adulthood.”))

We mention this mainly because, although We have not seen this person in years, when We got up this morning, We had a message from him on SitOnOurFaceBook.

The thought plickens.

Also appearing in The Movie In Our Mind was The Sainted Mother, who was clearly being played by an entirely different actress, as she uttered the immortal line, “Bring me another Ambien™!  And keep one for yourself!”

(We don’t make this shit up, folks.)

In other other news, it goes without saying that We are your favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist).  Which is, presumably, why no one ever says it.  And We would happily put Our thumb on Uranus until We all know exactly where We are.  But we cannot always be everywhere at once.  (Indeed, of late, there are times when We can’t be ANYwhere at once.) And for those times, you will want to put Our dear friend and colleague AstroGeek on speed dial.  Or at least on speed.  (Wouldn’t crack dial be faster than speed dial?  Is puzzlement.)  Here you will find a description of the types of consultations and services he offers:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/p/consults.html

Aaaaaaaannnndddd….

Here’s the HorrorScope:

And once again, too late, We have learned that no one is reading this, because you’re all out shopping for Sally Struthers’s birthday.

You’ve got a lot to think about  (And you’ve just given Us one more thing.  Thanks.)

— but much of it is actually flying underneath the radar of your consciousness. (That’s just a high-falutin’ way of saying We’re an idiot, innit?)

Just let your inner self twist itself into knots, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Chubby Checker’s proctologist.)

and things should settle down soon.  (We shall wait with bated breath.  (And baited hookers. (and baby’s breathalyzers.)))

(Schtick around for da jokes.)

Things might feel light and airy at first, today, but by the mid-afternoon you should be able to sense some heavy business going on just beneath the surface.  (That all sounds very poetical, until you realize she’s talking about Our gastrointestinal system.)

This subliminal weight doesn’t have to slow you down, however. (If only Our weight were (subjunctively) subliminal…)

Keep your bright outlook and don’t join in on anyone’s pity party. (Wait…there’s a party?)

 Let them live under a cloud if they choose to, today. (Again, gastrointestinal system…)

You can step away for a while and focus on going where it is that you want to go. (You’re the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…shouldn’t you KNOW where We should go?)

You’ll just need to be prepared to go there by yourself.  (No doubt with a broom up Our ass, so We can sweep the floor on Our way.)

Life isn’t a road race, (Nor is it Amazing.)

but if you had to qualify, you’d be in the top ten. (Yippee.  We ran a race and came in tenth…what is that, the Gum Wrapper Medal?)

When it comes to achieving those short-term goals, you’re moving at warp speed. (Actually, We’re moving at Time Warp Speed.  (It’s just a jump to the left…))

But pay a little more attention to the personal touches. (Especially the BAD personal touches.  (Now show Us on Arlene Dahl where Antonio Banderas touched you.))

(No, We have no idea.)

Don’t neglect those who never neglect you.  (Oh, see, now.  If ever there were a time when We wished We knew how to needlepoint…)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Sing me Spanish techno

Greetings, Ebullient Regis Introduces Charo---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, June 04, 2010 (Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope is essentially just a follow-up to yesterday’s, so if you didn’t read (or only n@kedly skimmed) that, We’ll pause here while you go catch up. (Something tells Us We lost Our str8 boi readers at the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Mon Frere Jacques Brel Is Alive And Well And Living In Hello Kitty Carlisle.) If it were (subjunctively) NOT just a follow-up to yesterday’s horoscope, We would have to tell you what is really p1ssing Us off, and that would require enough backstory to fill a novel co-written by Tolstoy and Dickens. (That novel, for those inquiring minds who would like to know, would be entitled War and Peace, and Then Some More War, followed by A Short Period of Peace (Without Prosperity), Then A Lengthy War Between Two Countries Where Everybody Has the Same Last Name, Then A Little More Peace, Oh, And There Are Orphans.)) :


(It’s a long way to Litter Airy.)


(You will first recall Us petting Our peeve yesterday (did that sound dirty to you?) about people defrienditizing Us on SitOnMyFaceBook, and daring all y’all to dare Us to post a link to Our heavily petted peeve on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of three people who have recently subjected Us to defrienditization. We were, in fact, thus dared (thanks, Dena!), but it turns out that, if you aren’t someone‘s friend, you can’t post on their page. (We could send them a private message, but We were much more interested in PUBLIC heavy peeve petting. Sigh.))


(You will Seconal recall that Our Neighbor Who Plays The Drums has embarked on some extremely noisy course of Home Improvement involving drills, jackhammers, and hydrogen bombs, (but not, presumably, Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s tool). The adventure continued again today, with the cacophony once again commencing at eight o’clock in the g0dd@mn morning. Our neighbor is not, however, committing this atrocity his own self. No, he has hired an entire family of spickerdoodles to bang his drum slowly (and whack his piñata loudly) while cavorting upon the newly-erected scaffolding (yes, boyzzz and gurrrlzz, We said “scaffolding”; it looks like the fu(king French Revolution over here.) So, in addition to Our primary complaint (about the G0DD@MN NOISE, in case you weren’t listening (or had gone deaf)), We have several other issues: why did the hydrogen bombing have to begin at eight AM, when it was over by 8:30? Why is the front of OurHouseWhereWeLive cordoned off with crime scene tape, which encircles Our recycling bin as well, thereby ensuring that the trash monkeys will never collect Our trash? Is it unsafe to step outside Our house? If We do, will We be headwhacked (“headwhacked” is, of course, a word analogous to “bushwhacked”, except it means “to be whacked in the HEAD”) and put into a coma? And, if We DO wind up in a coma, will anyone be able to tell? But, most importantly, why, if One is forced to deal with this entire situation, can the Latinos toiling shirtlessly in the sun not resemble Ricky Martin or a young Antonio Banderas, instead of Dora the Explorer’s ugly older brother, Quasimodo (who was not even good enough to be a real Modo)?)


(Okay, that, there, was a whole lotta pop culture and wordplay goin’ on. But no rest for the weirdoes…)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Telling you to lighten up would be easy (Telling Us to wear blackface for the rest of the day, on the other hand, would be a rittle bit lacist. (But probably pretty funny. Especially if We rode the subway.))


-- unfortunately, at the moment, you won't be able to pull that off. (No, right now, We’re typing. We’ll pull one off a little later.)


So rather than pretending that the current state of affairs isn't bothering you, do just the opposite. (Pretend that the current fate of the stairs is bothering Us? What does that even MEAN?)


Wallow in the unfairness of it all. (Oh, please. Like We need to be encouraged.)


Then get up tomorrow and start over. (Well, at least We’d like to HOPE that, on a Saturday, the Frito Bandito and Sancho Pansy will be siesta-ing somewhere, instead of blowing things up in Our neighborhood.)


No, you never expected to actually be attracted to someone like him/her (We did, however, expect to have a clearer understanding of what its gender was.)


-- but it happened. (Didja ever notice how difficult it is, once things have happened, to get them to unhappen? There’s probably a reason why “unhappen” isn’t a word.)


Don't fight it. (See discussions earlier this week re: The Funk.)


It's exhilarating, and such fun to see your loved ones squirm! (Just wait till We borrow Juan Valdez’s jackhammer!)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




Ai-yi-yi-yi, I am the cowgrass bandito)