And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, January Turd, Twenny-Four-Teen, WhoreTeen Hears A Who. Holidailies having ended, We were planning to dial back on the frequency of these e-pisstles, with an eye toward accomplishing a myriad of other pressing projects.  This morning, however, We are procrastinating putting on Our mink-lined Tuesday panties to go out and wield a snow shovel.  Just one of the many drawbacks of being Between Husbands.

(We are turning over so many new leaves this New Year, it’s like Helen Keller fell down in a  forest.  For example, “Between Husbands” is Our new upbeat, glass-half-full way of saying that We have been single since God created Adam and Steve, and that We haven’t been laid since Our boys were in Vietnam and Dick was in Pat Nixon.  Catchy, no?)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Robbie, who turned twenty-four yesterday , also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. 

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Joe, who also turned twenty-four yesterday, also right here.  Joe is, of course, The Man Behind The Camera (as opposed to The Idiot In Front Of It) of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope videos, and how fitting that this month’s video should feature the cameraman character.  (We should disclaim at this juncture that Joe has, to the best of Our knowledge, never butt-chugged a rum ball, and has certainly never expelled one in Our general direction from any orifice whatsoever).

That video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.

For those of you who enjoy a glimpse into The Way (What Passes For) Our Mind (Allegedly) Functions, We were reading, recently, this story on the WorldWideInterWebNetz about how teenaged dolphins with too much time on their hands eat pufferfish, which contain some sort of naturally occurring hallucinogen, to get high.  This, naturally, made Us think (and why it didn’t seem to make anyone else think, We haven’t got any idea) of the song “Puff the Magic Dragon”, which is, of course, about getting high in the absence of pufferfish.  Which made Us go on to think (because once We start, We just can’t stop…it’s like a Lays™ potato chip corollary), what if, instead of being about smoking marijuana, “Puff the Magic Dragon” were (subjunctively) about smoking crack?

It would be called “Puff the Manic Dragon”.

You’re welcome.

(Micro$oft Weird™ has put a little blue squiggle under “Manic”, because it wants Us to change it back to “Magic” so bad it can taste it.  Suck it, Micro$oft Weird™.)

In other other news, We have been seriously remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…)  Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The AssHatt.  GO! http://sett.com/astrogeek895/new-moon-on-new-years-in-cap-oh-yeah-we-bad-aka-fuck-you-2013

In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

And now, the HorrorScope…

In hindsight (and hindsight is always 20-20 (which is what year it will soon be if they keep zipping along at their current rate (OMG, are We the first one to come up with this joke?  You heard it here first, kidz…come 2020, every yahoo and their fairy godmother will be calling it “January 1^st, Hindsight”))), this is a complete waste of a snow day.  Everybody would have had the day off anyway, because it is Zasu Pitts’s birthday.

And now, as We really must go cope with the snow, a reading from Madame Olivia.  (About whom We are a little concerned…she may have been dipping into the pufferfish.  After all, when you start calling your own ideas “adorable…)

Greetings Eric ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

Making conversation with new people can be a huge challenge. The usual advice is to ask people about themselves. The problem is that some people feel self-conscious talking about themselves. So you might think of subjects outside both of you: movies, books, food, new technologies, etc, to take the focus off both of you. Before a gathering, Madame Olivia finds herself rehearsing a short list of these things to talk about, which has often come in handy. She has another adorable idea: write the list on the palm of your hand and use that as a conversation starter! This could also be the first scene in that rom-com you're writing.

And now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to look at your much-vaunted desire to prevail in the world. You have very sensibly deferred to some forces in the world that have required compromise. Now, though, things are changing, and it is time for you to move forward. Uranus, the planet of liberation, has moved into Aries, so it is behind you on this 100%! To say nothing of within you. No need to rush in, though; start with small unscary changes. These can lead to bigger movement!

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Good-bye for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Don’t tell me not to live just sit and putter; I’m gonna eat another Nutter Butter™.

                                        

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, March 31, 2011.  And thus endeth The First And Most Wretched Quarter Of The Year Of Our Lard 2011.  Not with a bang (big surprise there) but in a wimple.  Like Sister Sticky Fingers, the Kleptomaniac Nun.  Ave Maria, gee, it’s good to see ya, getting’ ecstatic and sorta dramatic and doing the Vatican rag…

What the hell are We talking about?

It is entirely possible that the threat of tomorrow’s snowstorm has caused Us to lose what is left of what passes for Our mind.  Himself is still under the covers, where he had, earlier, a long involved dream about shoveling snow.  (Of course he also had a dream about playing cards with cards made out of cheese, so it’s not exactly like he’s the poster child for sanity his own self.)

Meanwhile, if you have waited to make your reservations to see Himself and his little friends perform at the Wine Room tomorrow, you are too late; the show is sold out.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.

Not, mind you, that Himself is in any mood to rehearse for said show, which is, of course, the sum total of this evening’s agenda.  Sigh.  At least he’ll be out of Our hair for a while.  Perhaps We shall tat a doily.

We noticed that YouPeople were not exactly brimming over with recommendations for illustrators for Our forthcoming children’s book, Little Miss Prisspot. So don’t imagine We’ll be doling out jobs on Our Crossdressing Kleptomaniac Nun sitcom any time soon.  Ingrates.

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. ((And again and again and again some more.(We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.)):

And so, without Gerard Depardieu:

Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror.
Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!

Try to get others to see how awesome they are today (Clearly, Everybody’s Favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) has muddled her pronouns again…what she MEANS is, “try to get others to see how awesome WE are today”.  Asshat.)

— you can do yourself a lot of good by doing good for your people.  (People…people who eat people…are the lunchiest people…in the world.  (Soylent Green is people.))

(In case it is in some way unclear to you, We have no idea what the fu(k We’re talking about today, and are finding Ourselves incapable of focusing on this horoscope for more than a sentence at a time.  We would refund your money, but…oh, wait.  Never mind.)

It’s a great time to improve the lot of whatever group you find yourself part of.  (Crossdressing Kleptomaniac Nuns Anonymous?  Now THERE’S twelve steps ya don’t see every day.)

When a surge of energy enters you today, (That had goddamn well better be a euphemism.)

use it to help others. (The Lard helps those who help theyselves.)

Instead of diving into a fun project (Yeah…god forbid We have any FUN.)

or a favorite hobby (Or a favorite hobby horse.  Or a favorite Holly Hobby horse.  Or a favorite holly jolly Christmas hobby horse is a horse of course of course.  Whatever.  As long as it’s no fun.)

 or hitting the mall, (Who DOES that?)

find out who needs some help around the house. (Oh, sure.  Just stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.  Unless, of course, you stick the broom up there the wrong way.  Which lends a whole new meaning to your earlier statement about “diving into a fun project”.  To say nothing of riding a hobby horse.  Oh, the places We’ll go!)

An older family member will be very appreciative of the extra pair of hands. (Unless said extra pair of hands grows out of his or her nipples.  Because that?  Would just be annoying.)

And you’ll feel good because you’ll know that you have the right priorities. (Also because We have a broom up Our ass.)

There are times to take action and times to just stand still. (To everything, turd, turd, turd, there is a season, turd, turd, turd…)

Right now, you need to stay where you are. (Which is ever so much simpler than staying where you aren’t.  (Seriously…try it with Us.  Stay where you are.  Okay, now, stay where you aren’t.  Couldn’t do it, couldja?  Amateurs.))

Focus your energy inside and give yourself space to let your mind wander a bit. (Oh, please.  Our mind gnawed through its leash and wandered off years ago.  For all We know, it’s in a whole ‘nother country by now.)

Don’t try to focus on any one thing (Well, We’ve obviously got THAT concept down pat.  (Pat Paulsen, Pat Nixon, Pat Boone.  Who are three Pats you wouldn’t want to get it down, Alex?))

— just see where your subconscious takes you. (Well, DUH.  We’ve been doing THAT ever since “Hello, Ducks!”)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.