Drinking rum and Coca Cola™

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirstyThirdThrowBackThursday, October 24^st, 2013.

Our ever-so-lucky Gentle Readers are about to be the first folks in the known universe to hear that The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today We know not where. John has apparently done away with his SitOnMyFaceBook presence, because he’s a rebel like that.  We have seen John naked once upon a time (more on that in a few moments) and, if We can manage to track him down, We shall attempt to buy him a birthday drink in his birthday suit.

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/jimmy-craps-corn-and-i-dont-care.html  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

 And now We’re back in the present tense (that’s “present tense” as all one phrase, not an attempt to say that We’re in the present, AND We’re tense.  We are no more (nor less) tense than usual (despite the invocation of the image of not one but three lovely pairs of Jeggings™)).

In other news, this just in from Twatter: “Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants”.

Speaking of murder mysteries (in which, presumably, the participants do NOT wear Jeggings™ (Heh…”particiPANTS”…get it?  (Oh, shut up.))), We will be attending this: https://www.facebook.com/events/218428531649303/ this evening.  You, unfortunately, cannot come with Us, as it is sold out.  Because that is just how hip and cool We are; We go to things that SELL OUT.  However, when last We heard, there were tickets remaining for the Friday and Saturday performances, and, as it is doing so well, We imagine they will be bringing it back, so keep an eyeball peeled.

(Eeeeuuuwww.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, it is a deeply disturbing day when We go to Our celebrity birthday website, and, out  of the top ten celebrities born today, We only recognize the name of Number Ten, Y.A. Tittle, and all We know about him (other than his gender) is that he played some sport or other.

(Okay, in the interests of mind-broadening and general edification, We have Googled Y. A. Tittle on Wikipedia.  Not because We care about what sport he played (one set of balls is so like another (Hi, Josh…please feel free to prove Us wrong on that score)), but because We wanted to find out what the “Y.A.” stood for.  Are you ready for this?  “Yelberton Abraham”. )

(Seriously, Mister and Missus Tittle?  “We shall call the baby ‘Yelberton’.”?  Like it’s not bad enough your last name is “Tittle”?  Jeebus.)




You’ve got deeply held emotional business bubbling up to the surface today. (Indeed so.  We are traumatized by imagining Missus Tittle (whose name, We have decided, was “Letitia”, and whose nickname, We have further decided, was “Titzy”) hollering out the backdoor to call young Yelberton in for supper.)

Things may get a little weird later in the day, (Not, of course, as weird as they got at the Tittle household.  Missus Tittle’s maiden name having been, in an odd twist of fate, “Little”.)

but you still need to keep focused on what’s most important to you.  (Jeggings™.)

 Your family obligations are weighing on your mind right now.  (Indeed.   For example, We are grateful to The Sainted Mother for not naming Us Yelberton.  Although We can understand Mister Tittle’s motivation in naming his son thus, his own personal name having been Fritz.  (Which is also understandable, given that his poor mother’s name was Mitzi.))

(We are thinking that, after We finish this e-pisstle, We may have to do some updating on Y.A. Tittle’s Wikipedia page…)

It’s time for a conversation where compromises can be made and harmony can be achieved.  (Ah, harmony.  Makes One think of the Andrews Sisters.  Who, truth be told, were always grateful not to be the Tittle Sisters.  (Wouldn’t YOU be?  Seriously…”Patty Tittle”?))

Honest talk is easy when you know that this other person cares about you unconditionally. (What does using conditioner have to do with anything?)

Misunderstandings were what pushed you apart, so get clarity to get things back on track.  (Lady Clairol™…mix a double batch, and get a snatch to match.)

 Your gut can lead you in the right direction, (Was that a fat joke?)

but you have to be willing to listen. (Borborygmy…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Both Mother and Father workin’ for the Yankee dollar

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  DorisDay, April 26, 2012.  Happy birthday to Raechal, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Letta, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also also, happy birthday to Christina, who also also turns twenty-four today. Put ‘em all together, they’re seventy-two.  Also the Andrews Sisters.  Although We Our Own Self Personally are certainly not gonna decide who’s Patty, who’s Maxine, and who’s Laverne.

Meanwhile, how traumatized are We by the fact that, with so few brain cells left, We’ve got one entirely devoted to remembering the first names of the Andrew Sisters?

In other news, Our cell phone has taken to dropping dead an hour or so after being disconnected from the wall charger.  Which certainly takes the “mo” out of “mobile”.  (We have no idea what that last bit meant, but We just thought it up, and it sounded funny.  Don’t think about it too hard, as We suspect that it gets less and less funny on further examination.)   Using Our Madd Lezbian Technology Skillz, We have deduced that what We require is a new phone battery.  (Either that, or several homing pigeons, and a subscription to The Pony Express.)  So today, We shall be trundling about in the charming weather to obtain same.

We put out several feelers for second opinions on this phone issue last night, and We woke up with a start this morning when it occurred to Us that We may have used the phrase “Madd Lezbian Technology Skillz” in a forum where it could conceivably make some Lezbians Madd.  But it turns out We didn’t.  Because We’re classy like that.

Sorry, Lezbians.

Not, of course, that anyone ever worries about making Us madd.  In fact, people seem to go out of their way.    Why, fairly recently, We did what We thought was A Very Nice Thing for some people.  All the while We were doing it, everyone agreed (to Our face(s), at least) that it was A Very Nice Thing.  And when We were done?  The crickets, they chirped. (We were reminded of this because We had a dream about these people last night.  And, while We would like to believe that they also had a dream about Us, We are betting that isn’t so.)

On a lighter note (la): A pirate walks into a bar. He's got his pants down around his ankles, and a ship's wheel on his penis. He walks up to the bartender and goes "Yeeeargh... I'll take a beer please.”

The bartender looks him up and down quizzically and goes... "Uh... Alright. I'll get you that beer. But you DO realize you have a ship's wheel on your penis, right?"

The pirate nods, and says "Yeargh, I know...it's driving me nuts!"

Speaking of nuts… Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus.  (The “nuts” joke will be doubly funny after you’ve seen it.  Trust Us.) Which you will observe above.  Also, here is the link with which to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY

And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

(Apparently, it is Channing Tatum’s birthday, and YouPeople neglected to remind Us to send a card.)

Communication is key today (Yes, but WHAT key?  B Flat?  F Sharp?  Y Bother?)

— but keep it short and sweet!  (Bite Us.)

(How wuzzat?)

Positive messages linger, but if you go on too long, you risk boring folks and making them forget whatever it is you want them to understand.  (You know after all of Our years of experience at this, We can pretty much guarantee that the naked skimmers just nakedly skimmed past that last sentence. (However, We always enjoy a chance to stop and picture the naked skimmer that We always picture when We say “naked skimmers” .  (He being, of course, a naked skimmer whom We have actually seen naked.)))

(Aaaaaahhhhh…)

Normally, you’re not too comfortable with ultimatums  (Or, indeed, most things beginning with U.  Umbrellas.  Urinals.  Uranus.  (Well, maybe not that last one.  We’re actually very comfortable with Uranus.  After all, Uranus is Our Rosebud.  (That joke is just never gonna get old.  And it’s so classy, too. Just like Us.)))

(Did it just occur to anyone else that “Us” begins with U?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

— and rightfully so. (A needle pulling thread.)

(What?)

But today, even you will come to realize how the sun is rapidly setting on your plans and push has definitely come to shove. (How cheerful!)

So you had better get ready to go the final mile today — book those tickets, make those dinner reservations, or commit to that new financial investment.  (Wow.  That’s a whole lot of activity for someone who doesn’t have two Boy Scouts to rub together.)

(Hmm…We seem to have mixed Our metaphors.  Muddled them, if you will.  With mint.  A metaphor mojito, in a manner of speaking.  Bottoms up!)

(It occurs to Us that, in these hallowed pages at any rate, “Bottoms up!” could be replaced by “Uranus!”  Do you think We could make that catch on?)

(WHO said, “Stop trying to make ‘felch’ happen”?)

Whatever you’ve been putting off needs to be dealt with today.  (Have you any idea how difficult it is to put off procrastinating?)

Tie up all the loose ends (And the Boy Scouts?)

— then you can relax.  (We shall whistle while We whittle.  (We’re fairly sure this is the first-ever use of the word “whittle” in these pages.  And the last.))

Charming is your middle name today, (This is clearly an excellent spot for an audience participation contest.  What do YouPeople think is the best response to “Charming is your middle name today”?)

so put it to good use when chatting with your current crush.  (Unless he plans on showing up at Our front door, We won’t be “chatting” with him or anybody else until somebody shoves a new Energizer™ bunny up Our phone’s ass.)

No need to lay it on thick. (The jokes, they write themselves.)

Just be yourself and let your inner charisma do the work. (Ah, the old “inner charisma” trick.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.