Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, April 30^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Francisco, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to OurAmericanCousin Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, in AnnApolis, MaryLand.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Stephanie, Trish, and OurAmericanCousin Jim, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday. OurAmericanCousin Jim is, in an odd coincidence, OurAmericanCousin Billy’s father, so it is a good thing OurAmericanCousin Billy did NOT turn twenty-four today, or We would have to explain about the time machine, which is in the credenza, which is in the time machine, all over again, and We know how YouPeople get sick of hearing about that time and time again.

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

We were in absentia from yesterday’s festivities because We had to give Ourself a stern talking-to after Monday’s unfortunate incident.  Here is a little recap, to save you the effort of rooting through the archives for Monday’s e-pissode:

“Give it your all (Yeah, ya know, We try that…and still We wind up screwed.  Meanwhile, however, much like Ashton Kutcher’s The Butterfly Effect, the fact that We just got screwed has caused Us to refrain from doing A Nice Thing We were gonna do, and…JEEBUS CRIPES, STOP THAT INCESSANT DRILLING, OR WE’RE GONNA COME OVER THERE!)”

Now, first of all, We should point out that, as Our punishment for Our behavior, the drilling next door has continued until this very moment.  More to the point, however, We thought long and hard about Ashton Kutcher (heh) and decided to do The Nice Thing anyway.  (Well, We TRIED to do it…whether it works out remains to be seen.)

In other news, today’s Frawnch lesson:  Merde, il pleut.

Meanwhile, those who know Us personally will be aware that, amongst Our many House Un-American  Committee activities, We have never eaten a Big Mac™, nor seen a Star Trek Wars fillum.  However, We were taken aback earlier this week when they announced the cast for Star Trek Wars Elebenty-Twelve, or whatever number they’re up to now,  to hear Max von Sydow amongst those mentioned, as We were firmly convinced he was dead.

And not in that vague “oh-he’s-really-old-and-we-haven’t-heard-anything-about-him-in-a-while-so-We-assume-he’s-dead” kinda way, neither.  We were firmly convinced that, within the past year, or, more accurately, within the past six months, We had actually read his obituary, including references to his appearances in The Greatest Show Story Ever Told On Earth and all those Ingmar Bergman fillums.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), there just aren’t enough people named “Ingmar” any more.  So call up any pregnant ladies you know, and persuade them to name the baby “Ingmar”.  KThxBye.)

Now We are concerned as to whose death We confused with that of Max von Sydow.  Sorry, Max.

 In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lee Harvey Oswald…

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope (And, because We have several other pressing tasks to accomplish, before We go out into the merding pleut, herewith, in lieu of The Blatherings According To AssHatt Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia…:

Greetings Starzina~

Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.

Madame Olivia senses that for the moment you are relatively content with your love life. This is good. The only teensy niggle is the "relatively." You are wondering if other people are happier than you are. Though this is can be a fruitless line of thought, maybe you should honor the niggle and try doing something different, like going about meeting people in a different way. Or anything, really, like where you eat lunch. Who knows where this may lead; at the very least you may find out something about yourself.

Little Aries, Madame Olivia is filled with a sudden understanding of the progress you have made. You have done wonderful work exploring myriad details and intricacies and can now look up and see what you have put together. But don't stop your efforts! Just take a look, enjoy a moment of satisfaction, and then head back into the fray.

Word of the hour, be it noun or verb: dream

Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.

(If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be Honoring The Niggle.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

And MacHeath has got a knife, but not in such an obvious place…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacShe’sAManiacOnTheFloorAndShe’sDancingLikeSheNeverDancedBefore…Sorry…ManicMonday, April 28^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Anne, who turns twenty-four today in Al-t-t-toonaTown.  

Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also turns twenty-four today, in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Christina and Dena, Israel and Letta, and Raechal and OurAmericanCousin Roxane, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend in such disparate locations as MaryLand and Virginia, Greater Bostonia and The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and Jew Nersey and Fran Sancisco, where We hear it’s lovely, but where We also hear that they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.

We would have a little contest to see who could most quickly and correctly match the belated birthday boyz and gurlz with their correct geographic locations, but then We would most likely realize how very few people are paying any attention to Us whatsoever.

For those of you who enjoy Stories In Which We Are Tortured (which is all of you, yes?), We would like to point out that Our next-door neighbor’s kitchen renovation continues apace, for the four hundred and elebenty-twelve-billionth week in a row, with all of the attendant hammering, drilling, and whatnot One could possibly wish to enjoy with One’s morning coffee.  (Said “whatnot” includes, but is not limited to, outbursts of language which would make Us blush (if We were not already a cunning linguist Our Own Self.))

In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lotte Lenya…

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is the birthday of some lovely specimen named Drew Seeley, of whom We have (much like what’s-his-pecs on Friday) never heard.  However, some crafty Googling on Wikipedia has enabled Us to pinpoint the onset of Our disconnect with current pop culture to Our complete ignorance of the entire High School Musical series.  Said ignorance, We hasten to assure you, seems destined to continue unabated, despite the existence in The Universe of Zac Efron’s (circumcised) penis.

In non-penis-related celebrity birthday news, this past weekend marked the birthday of Jack Klugman, which We bring up as an excuse to say, “Hi, Sharon!”

You’re exploring new territory today (Are We spelunking?  Because that sounds like more fun.  (Although “spelunkers have more fun” sounds like a terrible slogan.))

— maybe in the company of coworkers, maybe on your own entirely. (Oh, please.  Do you even need to ask?  We have no cow orkers.  All of Our cows are, sadly, unorked.)

The terrific energy that courses through you as you make discoveries is its own reward!  (Well, it’ll have to be, won’t it?  It’s not like any other rewards are coming along any time soon…)

The ball is totally in your court, (Just the one? Where’s the other one?)

 and you could be nearing the end of the game.  (Well, there’s a cheerful thought.)

Give it your all (Yeah, ya know, We try that…and still We wind up screwed.  Meanwhile, however, much like Ashton Kutcher’s The Butterfly Effect, the fact that We just got screwed has caused Us to refrain from doing A Nice Thing We were gonna do, and…JEEBUS CRIPES, STOP THAT INCESSANT DRILLING, OR WE’RE GONNA COME OVER THERE!)

— holding back now just confuses your teammates and might give your opponents just the opening they’re waiting for.  (Wait…Our opponents are waiting for Our opening?  Since when?)

You don’t want to do that, (Or much of anything else, neither.)

especially when the prize is just within your reach. (That’s whatcha get in CrackerJacks™.)

(What?)

 Most of all, you deserve it — a fact that competitors have to acknowledge.  (So are people who compete on the InterNetz dot.competitors?)

(Sorry.)

Keep up the good work!  (Kiss Our assets!  Also,  Our grits!)

 You know what? (Chicken butt.)

 Things are always, always greener, (It’s not easy being greener.)   

                            

so don’t make a wish. (Ice cream…is a dish…Moss Hart makes…)       

It might come true. (And We wouldn’t want THAT, now would We?)     

Avoid spending too much time lamenting your single status (But We are such a good lamenter…)

 — it’s really a blessing in disguise. (So it looks like a fucking curse, then?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

You don’t realize it, but you’re the envy of all your attached friends.  (Well, sure.  If, by “attached friends”, you mean “conjoined twins”.)

Revel in it, baby!  (Oh, shut up.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Oh, what a beautiful moron…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, April 8^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Helen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Leon, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  

Happy Birthday to Marc, who turns twenty-four today in Maine.  The rain in Maine is not the same as Spain.  As sung by Kurt Cobain.  In a remake of Citizen Kane. Starring Billy Zane. And Thomas Jane.  Written by the guy who wrote They Saved Hitler’s Brain.

(You’re wondering why We’ve never written a Broadway musical now, aren’t you?  We could, if We had any attention span whatso…oh, look, something shiny! (When you cockblock a worm, hold your haddock high, and don’t be afraid of Bert Parks…))

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today.  In Rhode Island.  Which is, apparently, thirty-seven percent less funny than Maine.

And does not rhyme with Barbara Bain.

Okay, We’re done.  We will now be strapping on Our tool belt, so We can go next door and put an end to this never-ending kitchen renovation.  With a Molotov cocktail.  And a semi-automatic weapon.

Diligent Faithful Gentle Readers will recall Our lamentations yesterday about a nice thing that didn’t happen for Us on Friday.  As it happens, We have scratched the doing of two nice things off of Our calendar for today.  The difference between the nice things that We’re not doing and the nice thing that wasn’t done for Us is that the people for whom We would have been doing the nice things today had We chosen to go through with them would have had no way of expecting them, and, consequently, will not be able to lament their absence.

That, of course, assumes that you do not subscribe to that ridiculous theory that holds that, if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, you will have sex with Ashton Kutcher in New Jersey.  Because what the fuck would Ashton Kutcher be doing in New Jersey?

Speaking of China, We are shrilled and ignited to learn that Lex is still alive over there, and yet sorry to hear that some other Lex is dead.

Diligent Faithful Gentle Readers will also recall this promise from  yesterday:

“We were going to continue Our “things We want but can’t have” theme with a “guess-what-We-want-for-Our-birthday” contest, but that will probably have to wait, for the most part, till tomorrow.  (See…right away We give you something to which to look forward!)”

We should point out that this is merely a contest to see if anyone can figger out what We want…We do not imagine that anyone will actually get Us the thing in question, as it is really more the sort of thing a Significant Otter would get for One.  (It is unclear to Us what makes one Otter more Significant than any Other Otter, but that’s a Whore Of Another Color.)

A few hints…it is in fact something tangible, not something like “peace on Earth” or “a boyfriend who looks like Chord Overstreet”.  (Although on second thought, “a boyfriend who looks like Chord Overstreet” would hopefully BE tangible, because what the hell good would he be if you couldn’t tange him?)  You would need to know something about current events to get it, and it will only be available for a limited time.

Okay, start guessing, while We start thinking up a prize in case anyone wins.

In other news, We are doing another installment of Our radio play thingie on Thursday at seven.  Please see info here https://www.facebook.com/events/354066574733564/ , and get your tickets quickly, because there is extremely limited seating.  (And We’re not kidding about that…it takes place in the ballroom of an historic Philadelphia house, and We could pretty much only get one ball in there.)

We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It’s all about your love life today (Well, that damn butterfly bettah step to flappin’, then.)

— no matter how fast or slow it’s felt lately. (On the scale of “fast” to “slow”, where does One find “nonexistent”?)

Things start to pick up between you and your sweetie — or, if you’re single, you are sure to catch someone’s eye!   (Well, you know what They say:  people with glass eyes shouldn’t throw them at stone houses.)

(Who ARE “They”, and why does anyone listen when They talk?)

Here we go with the extra energy thing — as if you ever needed any ‘extra’ energy. (Once you’ve tried crack, you’ll never go back.)

(What?)

You’ll be running on high, so it’s really only fair to let everyone around you know they might be in danger  (Molly, you in danger, gurrrllll.)

(Oh, please.  Like you weren’t thinking the same thing.)

— but only if they decide to disagree with you. Or argue with you about the outcome of a certain situation. Or get between you and a project you’re determined to finish. Other than that, you’re not dangerous at all.  (Tell that to my next door neighbor, when I kick in his front door and start using my Uzi.)

(Is it just Us, or does “using my Uzi” remind anyone else of “leggo my Eggo™”?)

(Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Generosity isn’t always about money.  (Of course not.  Sperm donors are generous.)

(What?)

Sometimes being benevolent means you just give someone you like your undivided attention and really listen instead of zoning out or thinking up zingers. (Or thinking up sentences with lots of zeds in them.  Like “Zany zither players zeroing in on Zanzibar” or “That’s a zesty zucchini inside Zac Efron’s zipper”.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.