Oh, say, can you see my eyes …if you can, then my hair’s too short.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMikeConnorsAsMannixMonday,  September Oneth, 2014.

Happy Gabor Day too all of Our Gentle Readers, especially the only remaining Gabor sister, Zsa Zsa.  (Of COURSE she reads Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!...she’s ninety-seven; what the hell else does she have to do?)

Happy Birthday to Jackie, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Cape May.  WEST Cape May, SitOnOurFaceBook would have Us specifically know.  Ah, geography.  We know you not at all well, and We care less.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousins David and Kylen, only one of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

Despite it being Gabor Day, and, therefore, a national holiday, We are in here, slaving and toiling and typing Our fingers to the boner…er, the bone for YouPeople, so that you might have an e-pisstle in your hour of need. (Also, nobody invited Us anywhere.)

You’re welcome.

We realize, of course, that many of you will not even be reading this until you return to your places of enjoyment…er, employment tomorrow.  And look how thoughtful We are to provide you with a tasteful distraction first thing in the day.

You’re welcome again.

Speaking of tasteful distractions,  We should like to draw your attention to today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Ballyhoo Hullaballoo Cockatoo, whose discovery has stiffened Our resolve (as it (subjunctively) were) to play a WHOLE lot more Cards Against Humanity.

 Now, lest you imagine that said pixture is present solely for random shock value, lettuce assure you that it is thematically relevant.  We watched, this past weekend, the Daniel Radcliffe in question in his recent fillum, Kill Your Darlings, about the origins of the beat poets.  While We are not generally a biopic fan, as We knew little to nothing about the subject going in, We cannot say when We have enjoyed a modern fillum more.

And before you ask, Mister Radcliffe’s delicious asshole was only in the fillum by implication.

The only jarring note of the entire affair was the casting of Michael C. Hall, whose work We usually enjoy, whose presence continually drew Us out of the proceedings by making Us wonder why the hell Dexter kept wandering into the fillum.

So, all things considered, two thumbs up Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious asshole.

**************************

In other news, you will recall that We got Our hurrrrrz did last week.

We did not get a single compliment on Our new hair.

However, in Our ongoing effort to be a more positive person, We shall amend that statement:

We did not get a single condiment on Our new hair.

Take THAT, Eeyore.

**********************************

Meanwhile, in case you did not imagine that a person could be deranged enough to dream in the subjunctive, this just in:

We found Ourself in a dream last night with an iPhone in Our pocket (We do not own an iPhone in real life (nor do We have a real life (but that’s another story…never mind…anyway…))).  When We took the iPhone out of Our pocket, its screen was smashed into a kabillion pieces.

Then We took the phone We have in real life out of Our other pocket, held up the shattered iPhone,  and said, “See? This is what would happen if We actually had an iPhone.”

(Just imagine if that were (subjunctively) funny.)

**************************************

The remainder of today’s announcements are things you’ve probably already ignored at least once. (Unless you’re a naked skimmer.  In which case, you should know that We are, in fact, currently picturing you naked.  (Especially if We’ve actually ever seen you naked.  (Which is true for an inordinate number of Our Gentle Readers/naked skimmers, especially since We’ve only ever had The Sex the one time…)))

*****************

Speaking of naked people (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September.  We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html .  (Especially if the phrase “legendary length” is not unfamiliar to you.  (That particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere.  Just sayin’.))

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

As if Gabor Day weren’t enough cause for merriment and revelry, it is also Lily Tomlin’s birthday. Consequently, We shall be taking the rest of the day off, to try to imagine how it is possible that Lily Tomlin and Dr. Phil have the same birthday.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It was sad when the great ship went down (to the bottom of the)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Sunday, April 15, 2012.  Yesterday, of course, was the 100^th anniversary of the day the Titanic started sinking.  Today is the 100^th anniversary of the day it finished.  (This is why that movie is so long.)  So happy 100^th anniversary of the Titanic going down.

That’s the first time anything’s gone down around here in as long as We can remember.

(Oh, please.  Who didn’t see THAT coming?  Ray Charles and Jose Feliciano sang a song about it to Helen Keller.)

Speaking of Things Nautical And Oceanic, last night, We had a dream about fishing.  Who does that?  (Not “who fishes?”; We Our Own Self Personally know people who fish…but who DREAMS about it?) We don’t recall the exact story of the dream, We mostly remember that We kept winding up with mouthfuls (mouthsful?) of bait.  Which consisted, for the most part, of rancid shrimp.   Which was every bit as disgusting as it sounds.  To the point  that We woke up, got out of bed in the middle of the night, and brushed Our teef.

This is what happens when YouPeople leave Us alone.

In other news, despite yesterday’s  appearance on OurStreetWhereWeLive  of the Inflatable Bouncy House Shaped Like A Birthday Cake, they never got around to playing The Never-Ending CD Of Every Pop Song Of The Moment Being Sung By A Children's Choir.  So there’s that.

Welcome to A Very Special (Almost) All Video E-Dition Of E-Rix Daily Horoscope.  Above, of course, you will find Our Time of the Month Horoscope for Aries, the link for which is here: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Meanwhile, Our very talented friends at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die have reached their initial Kickstarter goal, but please don’t stop donating.  There are only a few more days to go.  Here is the SECOND behind-the-scenes infomercial they made for the project:

Here, in case you missed it last week, is the letter they received from Messrs. Coon and Dibble’s attorney:

To: Messrs.  Alexander Bechtel, Michael Doherty, and Gregory Nix

From: Justin M. Bieber, Esquire, Attorney-at-Law

Re: “Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die”

____________________________________________________

Gentlemen:

On behalf of my clients, Jeffrey P. (aka “Jeff”) Coon and Benjamin W. (aka “Ben”) Dibble (henceforward “The Plaintiffs”), I must express some grave reservations regarding your proposed theatrical entertainment entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die. While it is certainly true that The Plaintiffs are theatre artists like (allegedly) yourselves, and while they do, in fact, possess healthy senses of humor about themselves and their chosen profession, I am sure you will understand that they cannot in good conscience subject themselves to the slings and arrows of any Tom, Dick, or Harry with an axe to grind and a Kickstarter account.  They have reputations to maintain.  Why, Mister Coon is, by his own admission, currently molesting a young altar boy in the Walnut Street Theater’s production of the acclaimed drama, Doubt. And Mister Dibble is, to my own certain knowledge, watching.

That said, I am confident that we can come to some agreement that will allow some form of your endeavor to move forward in a way that will be fiduciarily beneficial to all concerned parties while eliminating any potential embarrassment to The Plaintiffs.

Herewith are a few of the issues we wish to resolve:

1. The Title: This is, to my mind, the thorniest issue.  While the content of your little pageant will be seen only by those misguided enough to purchase tickets, the title Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die will no doubt be bandied about in the public press for several months on end.  We find this completely unacceptable, especially with regard to the negative connotations of the word “Die”.  The following are some alternative title suggestions, all of which have been agreed upon by The Plaintiffs.  Please advise my office as to which one you will be adopting prior to your project moving forward:

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Experience Malaise

Jeff Coon or Ben Dibble Must Have A Hangnail

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Diet

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble’s Excellent Adventure

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad 

Day

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble in Porgy and Bess

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Tie-Dye

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Cure Cancer

You’re A Good Man, Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble, Superstar

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome

If you have no clear preference, it may help you to know that The Plaintiffs strongly favor the last entry.

2. Casting:  It is unclear to us whether it is your intention to portray The Plaintiffs as characters in your little entertainment or not.  If you do intend to have Mister Coon and/or Mister Dibble appear as characters, we must certainly insist on casting approval. Mister Coon and Mister Dibble will agree to play themselves for a sum of not less than twice the LORT-A weekly minimum per performance.  Further, Mister Coon and Mister Dibble will agree to play each other for a sum of not less than quadruple the LORT-A weekly minimum per performance.  It is further understood that, if Mister Coon and Mister Dibble appear in the show, no other actors will be allowed onstage with them.  Please see Appendix A for information regarding hiring specifications for their individual dressers.

It should be unnecessary to point this out, but, for completeness sake, if Mister Coon and Mister Dibble are appearing in the piece, the title must be changed from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome to Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble in Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome, where “Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble” appear in a typeface that is no less than 200% of the size of the other words in the title, and where “Awesome” is either glittered or neon, depending on the medium.

3. Royalties: In addition to royalties for the use of The Plaintiff’s names (please see Schedule B for amounts), the following words and phrases will also require royalty payments (again, please see Schedule B for amounts):

Dibble

Dabble

Dibs

Drab

A little dab’ll do ya

Yabba Dabba Doo

Benjamin

Benjamins

Ben

Bin

Been

Any other form of the verb “to be”

Jeff

Jeffrey

Jefferson

Weezy

Movin’ On Up

East Side

Deluxe Apartment in the Sky

Any word beginning with C (yes, especially that one)

Thank you in advance, gentlemen, for your kind attention to this matter.  The Plaintiffs and I look forward to your cooperation.

Sincerely,

Justin M. Bieber, Esq.

 Here, meanwhile, are several WaitStaff sketches to while away your weekend hours:

Our recent appearance as Joan Rivers, opening the WaitStaff show:

And here We have Rick Santorum on The Dr. Phil Show:

And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Aaaaaannnndddd We’re outie!  Happy weekend!

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Near, far, wherever you are...

(Ooops, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Saturday, April 14, 2012.  Today, of course, is the 100^th anniversary of the day the Titanic started sinking.  Tomorrow is the 100^th anniversary of the day it finished.  (This is why that movie is so long.)  So happy 100^th anniversary of the Titanic starting to sink.

Speaking of that movie, We would really like to see it in the theater in 3D.  Not so much for the 3D part, but because We never saw it in a theater the first time around.  Also, speaking of movies, they are playing The Poseidon Adventure on the big screen later this month in honor of its 40^th (!) anniversary.  We’d like to see that, too.

How much ya wanna bet We don’t do either?

Meanwhile, We are guessing that none of the rest of you has a two-story inflatable bouncy house shaped like a birthday cake immediately outside the front door of his or her row home this morning.

This means that eventually, they will start playing The Never-Ending CD Of Every Pop Song Of The Moment Being Sung By A Children's Choir.

Anybody wanna come over? And kill Us? 

Welcome to A Very Special (Almost) All Video E-Dition Of E-Rix Daily Horoscope.  Above, of course, you will find Our Time of the Month Horoscope for Aries, the link for which is here: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Meanwhile, Our very talented friends at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die have reached their initial Kickstarter goal, but please don’t stop donating.  There are only a few more days to go.  Here is the SECOND behind-the-scenes infomercial they made for the project:

Here, meanwhile, are several WaitStaff sketches to while away your weekend hours:

Our recent appearance as Joan Rivers, opening the WaitStaff show:

And here We have Rick Santorum on The Dr. Phil Show:

And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Aaaaaannnndddd We’re outie!  Happy weekend!

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.