Blame Canada

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  September Eighteenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Nick who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Dan, who is in rehearsal for turning twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy Birthday additionally also too to OurAmericanCousin Liz, who is also in rehearsal for turning twenty-four today (who let all these youngsters in here?).  In Idaho. (And how often, within these hallowed e-pisstles, do We get to say that anything happened “in Idaho”?)

(Idaho, for those of Our Gentle Readers who are geographically challenged (as We are), is a Canadian province wedged between Saskatchewan and Krakatoa.

(Canada, meanwhile, is an extremely large country to Our north.  It was established in 1837 by Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy for the express purpose of keeping Alaskans away from the normal people.  It is so large, in fact, that it is actually possible for two people from Canada to be unacquainted with each other.  For example, We are fairly certain that OurAmericanCousin Liz does not know Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian friend Nat (hi, Nat!), who lives in the Canadian province of Scova Notia, where he is active in politics and is handsome.

(Scova Notia is separated from Idaho by several other large Canadian provinces, as yet unnamed and uninhabited, most of which contain wildlife preserves, and one of which functions, inexplicably, as a stand-in for New York City in movies and television shows.

(Co-inky-dinkally, OurAmericanCousin Liz is originally from Annapolis, You-Ess-Ay, and We have just learned from mapquest (or maybe okcupid…We don’t recall) that there is an Annapolis in Scova Notia as well.) )))

(Is Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  educational or what?)

(Who said, “Or what”?)

****************************************

Switching gears, in other news, We are having a preposterous and very easily distracted month.  It seems that every time We start to do something We are interrupted by something else We need to be doing, until that in turn gets interrupted.  It’s as though We have the attention span of---oh, look, a balloon!

*****************************************************

In other news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!

has been consistently SOLD OUT (and very well-received)  , so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up  (because mmmm….curried favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/  (That assumes (thereby making an ass of Uma Thurman) that there are any of said tickets left; We have no idea.) The show plays twice more, Friday and Saturday at 8 at L’Etage, and, if you perchance lay your hands upon tickets for Friday, you will encounter the extra added attraction of Us Our Own Self Personally working box office.  Because We’re multitalented like that.

We Our Own Self Personally will next be performing in Our  murder mystery at the Murder Mystery Factory  on Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

************************************

Speaking of lemurs on Uranus,  (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, We had planned to stick with Our Canadian theme, and find famous Canadianese whose birthdays were today.  Until Our celebrity birthday website distracted Us with the news that today is the birthday of Our future ex-husband, Patrick Schwarzenegger.  Who, it would seem, has taken up modelling.  Holy merry mugger of dogs.

It has been a while since We’ve done call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli.  So right away We give you some:

This is a good time to think about home and what it means to you. (Well, ya know what They say: “Home is where the hard-on”.)

(They say the weirdest things, don’t They?)

In fact, (Didja ever wonder why nobody ever starts a sentence with “In fiction”?)

you may get a message from family or those closest to you that draws you backward a bit. (Is it just Us, or does something about the phrase “draws you backward a bit” just SCREAM, “Engrish is my second ranguage!”?)

It’s for the best!  (Which is ALWAYS true, especially when it’s said with an emphatic exclamation point.)

(Except not.)

        

After thinking about big changes for so long and not breathing a word to anyone, the solution suddenly dawns on you. (Get tougher rats.)       

If you really want to change, (If everybody’s being different, isn’t it different to stay the same?)

(Jean Paul Sartre WISHES he were (subjunctively) as goddamn existential as We are. (Of course, first, he probably wishes he weren’t dead.))

you can force yourself out of your rut (Sometimes you feel like a rut; sometimes you don’t.)

(Rut-roh.)

by moving long distance. (Me ruv you rong time.)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Anna May Wrong.)

It means you have to change your residence, your job, your relationships and your habits. (Oh, is THAT all?)

If it sounds refreshing rather than frightening, (Yeah, not so much.)

you need to get busy, (From your lips to God’s voicemail.)

because it’s past time. (But if it’s past time, how can you tell WHEN it is?)

When it comes to your outlandish singles lifestyle, (Which is the EXACT phrase people use when they observe Our life.)

press pause. (Izzat a euphemism?)

The economy isn’t exactly full steam ahead just yet, so cut back on spending. (We are still trying to figger out the sound of one nickel rubbing together.)

(We so poor, We can’t even pay attention.)

Entertain at home (We would love to.  What time is Patrick Schwarzenegger getting here?)

instead of spending lots of time (Wait…wasn’t it past time just a few sentences ago?  Learn English, fercrissakes.  Damn Canadians.)

and money at the bar. (“The bar”.  As though there’s only one.)

Figure out your debt and start paying it down. (Wow.  You go wit’ yo’ bad seff, Auntie Climax.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You don’t own me

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandrakeTheMagicianMonday, June 23^st , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Cammy, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in El Lay.

Happy Belated Birthday to Chris, Darnelle, Dusty, Edgardo, Mark, Peter, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to OurAmericanCousin Sherry, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend in such far-flung, exotic places as Greater Bostonia, Jew Nersey, O Hai, Ohio, Illinois, and Amish Country, in addition to right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Speaking of the weekend, here is the tweet from Twatter that won the InterNetz on Saturday:

“I have to explain what to do during a school shooting to my 7yr old, but by all means let’s freak out about gay marriage.”

Also, as you may surmise, if you have ever met Us, met anyone who has met Us, heard of Us, heard of anyone who has heard of Us, or met anyone who has heard of someone who may have met someone else who heard of someone who has heard of Us, We have no fucking clue what “Magic: The Gathering” is.  Here, however, is a brilliant photo essay in which a man goes to a “Magic: The Gathering” gathering and has his picture taken next to all of the buttcracks:  http://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/man-goes-to-magic-the-gathering-tournament-poses-next-to-but

(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, would like to pretend that “buttcracks” isn’t a word.  Back up to a full-length mirror and look over your shoulder, Micro$oft Weird™. THERE ya go!)

 

Faithful Gentle Readers (i.e. non-naked skimmers) will recall Friday’s cliffhanger, in which air conditioning repairpersons arrived at OurHouseWhereWeLive.  (To relive those crackling dramatic moments, go here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/06/freeze-it-buzz-it-easy-does-it.html   We’ll wait.

 

Back?  (Buttcrack?) Good. As with most après les cliffhanger e-pissodes, this one is somewhat of an Auntie Climb Axe.  (You ARE reading this aloud to yourself, aren’t you?)  We apparently had both a broken frabnasticator in the central air unit itself, as well as a broken thermostat.  What We did NOT have, after all was said and done, was five hundred dollars.  We DID, however, have Our complete misperceptions of how exactly Our programmable thermostats control Our air conditioning and heating corrected, so We may in fact recoup said five hundred dollars in the form of lower electric bills.  Assuming, of course, that We live to be a hundred and eighty-seven years old.

 

On the plus side of the moneygrubbing column, We have salvaged a job for a day later this week which We thought was going to fall through due to Our not having a proper credential.  So, yay, Us.

 

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M  ))).

 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Frawnch soccer player Zinedine Zidane’s birthday today.  His full name is Zinedine Yazid Zidane.  His nickname is Zizou.  The Frawnch are ridiculous.

More importantly, and yet, still on the subject of the Frawnch, this past Saturday may or may not have been the birthday of Jean Paul Sartre.

(Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us…)

A financial transaction makes you question a rather important component of your life — but it’s less of a problem than an opportunity.  (Is it just Us, or is Kelli talking about prostitution?)

Roll with it and see where it leads, but don’t break the bank.  (Can We rob the bank?)

If you get the chance for a one-on-one meeting with your boss or if you’re asked to give an impromptu presentation, jump on it.  (Can We say, “You’re not the boss of Us”?)

(Is it just Us, or is this ten of the most boring horoscopes of all time?)

You can further your personal agenda with the greatest of ease at the moment, and you’ll look great doing it. (You should see Us on a flying trapeze.)

Your powers of communication are on fire, and you’re able to be simultaneously forceful and charming — a winning combination, indeed. (Or at least much better than chorceful and farming.)

It’s a very good time to go after what you want.  (Isn’t it always?  Because, if you go before what you want, by the time what you want shows up, you’re already gone.)

When you’re all fired up, it’s hard to tell whether there’s a real mutual spark.  (That analogy actually almost worked!  Blind pig found a damn acorn! Go figger!)

Toning it down allows you to assess a romantic situation more accurately.  (And what could be more romantic than assessing a romantic situation more accurately?)

Chill out and see what happens. (To whom?)    

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.