Who can turn the world on with her smile?

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday Eve, August 30, 2012.  In keeping with this week’s nostalgia theme, We offer herewith (who lithped?) Our very first ever e-pissode in Bloggonia:

 

A whole new world...

 

Greetings, Excitement! Rapture! Incandescent Cheer!---

 

 

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 13, 2010 (And the very happiest of Hump Days to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in Hump-Hump Land! Oh, my dears...We are so excited, We can barely contain Our very selves! (In fact, We are pretty sure that a little bit of Us may have actually escaped earlier. (Wasn't that a tasteful way to say "queef"? (And wasn't that a tasty dish to set before the king?))) Here We are with Our very own BLOG! Why, We feel just like Betty Crocker must have felt when she saw her very first microwave oven. And said, "What the fu(k am I gonna do with THAT?!?" The world is Our oyster now, Bay-Bee! (Also, Neptune is Our mussel, and Uranus is Our calamari, but that's a wh0re of another color.) We can bold, we can italicize, we can come in colors...(although We have yet to figger out how to make that TM=trademark symbol that We like, and We aren't being spellchecked as We go along. Which is problematicalicious, in that, while We can spell reasonably well, We can't type for sh1t...). But still, look at Us, We're a BLOGGER! With contextually appropriate advertising and everything!):

 

(While We're waxing pathetic (and We see you, in the corner, waxing the carrot...please knock that off; it's very distracting. Even though it's only a baby carrot) about the Brave New Universe in which We find Ourselves, We should also point out that We can do pictures and video now, too. (Well, We tried to do a pixture here, but it keeps putting it at the top instead. Clearly, We shall have to read more of the destructions. However, We can also do video, and We don't care where that goes, so here. (Hmmm...that didn't work so well either.

 

 

(Now We're waiting while it's "processing" Our video. (Is it p00p yet?) While We wait, a bit of Eric's Daily Horoscope history for those of you who may be new to Us. Way back when the Earth was cooling, in 2001, (Oh, look...Our video appears to be processed. Much like processed cheese food. Velveeta! Velveeta! Don't cry for me, Ike and Tina, and all that) a friend used to email Us Our daily horoscope on occasions when it was particularly Pollyanna-ish and, thus, completely unrelated to Our own life. On the first such occasion, We responded with some scintillating bon mot no doubt not unlike "Our horoscope can go fu(k itself". When this did not deter the arrival of subsequent putridly optimistic horoscopular rantings, it became clear to Us that We were being called upon to tell said horoscopes exactly where they could go and exactly what they could do when they got there, and Eric's Daily Horoscope was born.)

 

(And now, a word about the pixture which We have had to leave at the top of this installment, as We cannot induce it to go anywhere else. Tempted though We are to pass that off as a pixture of Our very Own Self to fool those of you who do not know Us personally, We cannot tell a lie. (Well, actually We can, and We can do a pretty d@mn fine job of it. But We're not lying to you now. (Or ARE We?)) Every so often, One is fortunate in this life to encounter a person who, by sheer force of positive personality, makes it seem as though any old thing is possible if you just try to do it. And about one out of ten of those people manage to do that without making you wanna puke up your own spleen. Now, We should make it clear that We are not one of those people (we mean the positive personality kind...We're pretty sure We occasionally make you wanna puke up your own spleen). If it depended upon Us, no light bulb would have ever gone off over Thomas Algae Edison's head, the Wright Brothers would have been Wrong, and Billy Joe McAllister would have jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge a whole lot sooner. The gentleman in the picture, however, is one of those people, and as such, is The Patron Saint Of The Eric's Daily Horoscope Blog For The New Millennium, in addition to being Our future ex-husband. (Those of you who actually know the gentleman in question may wonder how he can possibly be Our future ex-husband when he is already in a committed relationship. It's a simple summer soap opera plot involving amnesia and multiple personalities. It all gets wrapped up in one thirteen-week cycle, and nobody is the wiser. Except that We eventually give birth to twins, one good and one evil...(Hey, We don't watch The Young And The Rest Of Us for nothing...)))

(So how many of all y'all are still scratching your heads over the Billy Joe McAllister reference? It's not just any old blog that can call to mind the song stylings of Miss Bobbie Gentry...)

(Meanwhile, it appears we've done everything We came here to do, except for a horoscope. There are examples of those down below, though, for you newbies, and We are out of time. So here is the link to YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

you've tried scrubbing, you've tried soaking, and still you hear, "ring around the cowgrass!")

 

 

Moon River, wider than a mile

Greetings, Egested Ravioli Inconveniences Choirmaster---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, January 22, 2010 (Happy Friday, Boyzzz and Gurrrlllzzz! Here in Greater Bloggonia, We are in a constant state of awe at just how un-user-friendly the Google is. Our latest complaint is that We can’t get it to notify Us when all y’all comment on Our blog. So if any of you Highly Trained Computer Professionals could let Us know how to do that, We’d be grateful. Although We shan’t hold Our breaths…We noticed that yesterday was apparently Nobody Goes On The WorldWIdeInterWebNetz Day, and nobody bothered to tell Us about that.):


(Before We begin today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope proper (you sweet chopper, Betty Proper (did that sound Chinese to you? Because it sounded Chinese to Us, and We have no idea why)), We offer you the following Moving Picture (ain’t technology wunnerful?). It is a French AIDS prevention commercial. (Don’t let the Frenchosity put you off…you don’t need to unnerstand a word of French to get it. (On the other hand, you should let the Frenchosity clue you in that it’s probably Not Safe For Work. (That “Not Safe For Work” does not apply to Our Sistah Ovella or OurJoshie, both of whom actually work in AIDS prevention. (“Not Safe For Work” presumably also does not apply to people who work for p0rno movie companies, but We don’t happen to know any of them (that We know of), so that’s neither beer nor hair.)))))

Now could be a testing time (A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo™ factory. The Personnel Manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am. The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says "I am sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to give Elmo "two test tickles".)


(Now, mind you, through the Miracle Whips of Modern Technology™, We did not have to type that whole joke. In fact, all We had to do was search “two test tickles” and We found the text on the first try. It gave Us a few moments of difficulty till We realized that the original had been in a white font on a black background, but that’s neither queer nor Cher.)


(Ooops…did We do all of this in the middle of an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sentence? Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)


as we get a chance to see how well the ideas we've put into the Great Mixing Pot are going to take off. (Okay, “the Great Mixing Pot”? The h3ll? Just because you capitalize something doesn’t automatically make it a known household phrase. Especially not in this household, you Cr@ckaddled C00ze.)


(Heh. See what We did there? Meanwhile, this just in: in an effort to scope out the lay (heh) of the land at the World Café Live (which We have never seen), We are off to a free lunchtime concert of Freelance Whales and Danny Barnes. You, naturally, are peeing green envy. (We, naturally, don’t even know if that’s one group or two.))


In other words, ideas and propositions we put in place at the time of the New Moon, which was an eclipse, no less, get their first challenge around about now as the Moon squares the Sun. (Wow. That was a whole lot of technical jargon there. To simplify, here is what you should take away from it: We’re gonna moon your son. Okay? Okay.)


If an idea has legs, (With Our luck, it would probably learn to tapdance. In Our brain.)


and gets through this patch, (Who else was thinking “snatch patch”? Just Us? Liar, liar, pants on fire.)


you can expect the next hint that you're on the right track in about another week's time, at the time of the next Full Moon. (We shall wait with bated breath. (Which is, as long-time readers are well aware, different from baited breath. Which means you have a worm in your mouth.)


(What?)


Are you meant for each other? (Non sequitur, to the white courtesy phone please.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass …it’s not just for breakfast any more.)