Cat scratch fever

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThirstyThurrrrstonHowellTheThurrrrsday, May Thurrrrtieth, Twenty-Thurrrrteen. (Is it just Us, or do We sound exactly like Eartha Kitt’s verrrrsion of Catwoman?  (YouPeople DO auditorially hallucinate these e-pisstles as you read them, don’t you?  (Well, DON’T YOU???)))

Happy Birrrrthday (you are only pretending that you wish We would stop that) to Josh, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in suburrrrrrbia.  We should have a drink together.  (We promise not to DRESS like Eartha Kitt’s verrrsion of Catwoman.)

Meanwhile, courtesy of everybody’s favorite WorldWideInterWebNetz, this diet tip just in:

Tip to lose weight: First turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

You’re welcome.

In other news, you can, of course, lose weight, but Ugly is forever.  Especially if you are ugly on the inside.  Just sayin’.

(Heh…We said “but Ugly”, which made Us think of “Butt Ugly”.)

(Apparently, while Josh has turned twenty-four, We are eternally twelve.)

(Speaking of Josh, it just occurrrrrrred to Us that We have the purrrrfect pictue of Julie Newmar’s version of Catwoman to use as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us in his honor.  You’re welcome.)

(We just give, and give, and give, don’t We?)

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics.  Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up.  Because We’re connected like that.

And now the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays today, it is Wynnona Judd’s birthday, and the picture on the website that tells US so makes her look rode hard and put away wet.  Which is all the excuse We need to share the “Wynnona’s Big Brown Beaver”  song:

Also, it is Stepin Fetchit’s birthday, a fact We point out only because, heretofore, We thought that was the CHARACTER’S name, not the performer’s.  Also also, it is Bob Evans’s birthday.  You know, the sausage guy.

Now is not a great time for conflict, (Oh, yes it is.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

so try to surround yourself with folks who think like you.  (And what funny farm are We gonna find THEM on?)

Of course, at some point in the near future, you need to challenge your beliefs, (We don’t believe you.)

but that has to wait.  (Doesn’t waiting for your waiter seem somehow inefficient?)

You’ve been focused on where you are going, (Well, sure.  Because if you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.)

(Confucius ain’t got nothin’ on Us.  (Except he could probably get Chinese food without waiting for delivery.))

(“If you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.”  If only We knew how to needlepoint…)

which is smart — but today it’s time to get back to the present (Wait…there are presents?)

and start living in the moment. (Oh, see, now.  Here, We thought you were saying, “start living in the muumuu”.)

Keeping your gaze fixed so far into the future has created (A lot of drooling, and the general sense that We don’t know what the fuck is going on?)

some distance between you and someone who cares a lot about you  (Okay, or that.)

— it’s time for you to get back in touch with them. (And We would, except for that pesky restraining order.)

Don’t just think about tomorrow, (Actually, it’s “don’t STOP thinking about tomorrow”.  And We’re SURE, because We just looked it up.  Who are We gonna listen to, Kelli The AssHat or Fleetwood Mac, complete with Stevie Nicks?  (Don’t even bother answering that.  It’s rhetorical.  (Much like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is RhettButlorical.)))

or you will totally miss out on today.  (Which, unless Josh is sharing his cake, appears to be pretty much a write-off.)

Join up!  (Uncle Sam wants shoes.)

Any group united by a common cause is an avenue toward good fun (So there’s fun that ISN’T good, then?)

 — and it may provide new romantic opportunities in a relaxed setting that’s great for meeting the right people.  (Yeah, whatever.  We are now busy pondering Our new religious movement, WWJND?  (What Would Julie Newmar Do?))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Crystal Blue Persuasion

Greetings, Extraterrestrials Repopulate Iowa Commune---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, September 10, 2010 (Happy birthday to Our Li’l Mo’Niques, who turns twenty-four today.  September tenf…who’d’a thunk, after August lasted for ninety-seven years, September would be one-third gone in the blink of an eye. (And don’t it make your brown eyes, don’t it make your brown eyes, don‘t it make your brown eyes your buttholes?)):

(That there was a little Crystal Gayle, for Our Crystal Gayle fan readers.  (What are the odds? (Also, what the h3ll ever happened to Crystal Gayle? Pardon Us while We go fire up Our Wikipedia so We can Google her on it…well, the answer is, not much.  Miss Woman is currently fifty-nine years old, and still has That Hair.  Which makes her look like Stevie Nicks in drag as Lily Munster.  Whatevs.)))

(So Our show was sold out again on Wednesday.  Big shout-out to The Coven, who appeared at the thing en masse. Also, both remaining Sunday-at-6PM shows are already sold out. There are still a few tickets to be had for the two Sundays-at-8PM shows, and for this coming Tuesday and Thursday. Go IMMEDIATELY to http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 to buy your tickets, or you’ll have to see Us at the Wilmington Fringe.  In, ya know, Delaware.)

(Speaking of Our show, here is the article about it (and Us) that appeared in this week’s Souf Philly Review:  http://www.southphillyreview.com/news/features/Artsy-amusement-ride-at-Live-Arts-and-Fringe.html )

(If you are fortunate enough to get tickets to The Real Housewives of South Philly,  you may actually have a Jesus sighting.  Here is Jesus’s hit YouTube video, for your viewing and sharing pleasure.)

)

(Our Our-O-Scope)

There's not much you won't be able to cajole, (Isn’t “cajole” a peculiar word?  Kinda like a cross between “frijole” and “cojones”.  Which would seem to indicate testicles the size of kidney beans.  (Is anybody else hungry for Mexican food now?  Or do you just wanna fu(k Mario Lopez?))

wheedle (Don’t even get Us started on “wheedle”.)

or charmingly persuade (Unfortunately, “charmingly persuade “ just isn’t funny.)

others to do for you today -- but should you? (We probably shouldn’t. Because, seriously, if somebody did something for Us?  We’d probably drop dead from the shock.)

Absolutely, provided you're not being too, too hedonistic, (Which, oddly enough, has nothing whatsoever to do with being tutu shedonistic.  (If We knew a good Desmond Tutu joke, this would be where We’d tell it.  But We suspect there ARE no good Desmond Tutu jokes.  There may actually be no Desmond Tutu jokes whatsoever.  Sigh.  Poor Desmond Tutu.))

and that you're not bringing harm or mischief to yourself or anyone else. (No, We’re bringing ham and mistletoe.  Because We suspect it’s gonna be one of THOSE parties.)

(What?)

Other than that, wheedle away -- sweetly. (Isn’t that a Crystal Gayle song?)

It may have been an innocent comment, but for some reason you just can't stop thinking about it. (Here’s a newsflash, Dimblow: “it” is a pronoun, and requires an antecedent.)

Better give it a shot, though (It is 11AM…it’s a little early for shots, don’t’cha think?)

 -- if you don't want this to end.  (How ‘bout We skip back to the fu(king Mario Lopez part?)

Your first impulse will be to ignore it and bravely go on. (Again with the “it”.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Don't. (Who let the Republiklans in here?)

Epic sagas aren't written about someone who was cranky from the flu. (Jigga whut duh fu(k?)

Go home. (We ARE home.  B1tch.)

Tend to yourself.  (Did you not just tell Us, not ten sentences ago, that We would be able to frijole-cojones other people into tending to Us?  It’s just that sort of slipshod Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) that’ll have Us wind up fu(king Mario Lanza instead of Mario Lopez.  (Which is gonna be really disgusting, considering that Mario Lanza’s been dead for fifty years.))

 The hesitation you're feeling just might work for you -- this time. (Uhhhh…are you sure?)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

Be quiet, (YOU be quiet.  Wh0re.  And stop telling Us what to do.)

and wait for your opponent to speak. (Ya know what?  If ya cut their throat before they speak, the fight’ll be over a whole lot sooner.)

Bet they'll make a mess of it. (As opposed to Us, who will be fu(king some guy who’s been dead for fifty years and has kidney-bean testicles.  Because THAT won’t be messy at ALL.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Snap!Crackle!Pop! Rice Cowgrass)