Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  January Twoth, 2015.

We don’t want to be disgusting (much), so We won’t go into great detail about the quantity of things that are issuing forth from the humungous pimple on the side of Our nose.  However, We’re fairly certain We’ve found the Lindbergh baby.  And Amelia Earhart.  Or at least her purse.

Also, Happy New Year.

(Remind Us to come back here and insert a joke about Justin Bieber’s balls dropping.)

Happy Birthday to Robby, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy Birthday also to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Joe directs all of Our videos (about which more later), as well as Our one-Ass(tromalogical)-Ho(roscopulist) show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour,  which We hope to resurrect in the new year.

We stayed in and hid from the new year yesterday, so We have little or nothing to report.  (We were mourning Our future ex-husband Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s marriage to Someone Else. (If you missed yesterday’s e-pissode, there’s much more there there than there is there here, so check it out: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2015/01/when-youve-been-through-herbert-and-j.html ))

Although there is, randomly, courtesy of Catherine (with whom We shall be appearing at the Murder Mystery Factory tonight…and there are still plenty of tickets available, so hit Us up if you want an amazing discount), this:

And check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:

 http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286

and go to the e-ntry directly here:

 http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html .

Here is the link with which you may share Our Capricorn video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Capricorn video:

Upon reflection, these two videos are amongst Our much more densely-plotted cinematic efforts, due to the fact that Our director actually is a Capricorn (although quite unlike the unseen character from the videos).

We often ponder, in the endless time afforded to Us by the fact that We are almost universally ignored, how many of Our Gentle Readers actually realize that, if viewed in order, Our videos actually have ongoing plots and storylines.  Then, of course, We realize that Our Gentle Readers are all imaginary, and we curl up into the fetal position…

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

In “celebrity” birthday news, Our “celebrity” birthday website lists no fewer than FIVE “web video stars” born today.  We’ve never heard of any of them, and We’re certainly not going to dignify them with a mention herein.  Except, of course, for “web video star” Faze Dirty, but only because We want to get to say “Faze Dirty naked”.

 Does it occur to no one that We are a web video star of whom no one has ever heard?

And, of course, that forcing Us to say things like “Faze Dirty naked” is a sacrilegious violation of ACTUAL celebrity Gabrielle Carteris’s birthday?

And now, as time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future, and We need to ablute Ourself in preparation for the Murder Mystery Factory, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Madame Olivia doesn't want to interrupt your labors but this might be a good time to think about the spiritual aspect of things: the Oneness, the Great Other, the Timeless, the Unseen. A moment of open-ended reflection in the day, every day, will suffice, and you will be suffused with widened perspective and refreshment. On a personal note, every morning Madame Olivia enjoys doing one yoga pose and brain-singing a line from a song: Who knows One?/ I know One/ One Spirit,/Of heaven and earth. It opens up the day ahead.

Dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a soft spot in her heart for you, and so admires you when you are assertive. And also, of course, when you are not! Just take care with your presentation. It's a PR thing: the basic product (you) is solid and kind and eminently worth listening to. It's good to be your own strong self, especially now. Everyone will benefit.

Remember that you are in an ocean of love

Madame Olivia sends to you her own positive energy and best wishes for your continued journey.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, OH!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhinesDay, January Tooth, 2012.  Our calendar informs Us that, in addition to being a Bank Holiday in Scotland, it is something called “New Year’s Day (Observed)” in New Zealand.   The hell?  A little slow in New Zealand, are they?  “Hey, Myrtle, it looked like a new year started yesterday, but we’d better give it a second day, just to be sure.”

Happy Birthday to Robby, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Joe, who also turns twenty-four today.  Which means that Robby and Joe were born on the same day.  Which would seem to happen a lot around here, but which, in this case, happens to be true.  The truth being, of course, relative.  Just not any of OUR relatives.

Joe, some of you will realize, is the artistic force behind Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes.  In honor of the anniversary of his nativity, perhaps you could each share his most recent opus with a friend:

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

Or possibly revisit what We consider his crowning achievement to date:

Or buy him a fuckin’ cupcake, fercrissakes.  It’s January Tooth, and there’s not a holiday in sight until Martin Luther king Day. (For which, We might add, We have all of Our shopping done.)

Meanwhile, from the Reasons We Should Never Be Allowed On The WorldWideInterWebNetz So Early In The Morning Department, We chanced to notice on Twatter that “Justin Bieber” was trending.  (What are the odds?)  So, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We went investigating to find out if there was a special reason why.  Turns out, someone allegedly asked him, “If you weren’t named Justin Bieber, what would you name yourself?”  To which The Biebster allegedly responded, “I’d name myself Bubbles.  Bubbles Bieber.”

Now, if he ACTUALLY said that, We might feel compelled to take back every mean thing We’ve ever said about him.  Including, but not limited to, this:

Meanwhile, from the The Best Writers Use The Fewest Words Department, this quote, which requires no explanation, just in from OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia:

“Don’t poop in the temple.”

And here, without further ado ado to you and you and you, are the HorrorScopes:

Meanwhile, the entire country is no doubt wondering how they can possibly be made to go back to work on Gabrielle Carteris’s birthday.

You feel frustrated — again — (Well, DUH.  We woke up, didn’t We?)

but you may not know what you want to do next. (Which would be frustrating, no?)

It’s a good time for you to step up and see if your friends can help with the little details which are getting confusing.  (Ah, the little details.  Life, libertines, and the pursuit of crappiness.)

A recent scare regarding your health will be proven to have been nothing today, (So, wait…it’s SUPPOSED to look like that?!?)

but you should not take the good news as a recommendation for the way you’ve been choosing to or not to exercise. (Hey, We lift weights.  Didn’t We just say We got out of bed this morning?)

Getting up and going isn’t as hard as you think — it just starts with one baby step. (Oh, no, ya don’t!  You’re not fooling Us with THAT again!  You step on ONE baby, and just SEE how the public turns on you!)

Skip the cheese  (We don’t care how many times you say “skip the cheese”, you’re never going to make it a thing.)

once in a while on your sandwich, opt for the fat free milk in your coffee and try taking the stairs at least twice a week.  (How the hell else would We get to bed?)

Little changes can create results, big changes can transform your life.  (You’re trying to pretend that’s a saying.  That is not a saying.  “Little pitchers have big ears” is a saying.  No one knows what it MEANS, but it’s still a saying.  “Weebles™ wobble but they don’t fall down” is a saying.  It means that Weebles™ wobble, but they don’t fall down.  Any child knows that. “Don’t poop in the temple” is a saying, at least as of this morning.  Try to keep up.)

Tell your inner critic to hush when meeting new people now. (Is anyone else viZZZualizing whichever one of Gene Siskel or Roger Ebert is still alive with his thumbs up Our ass now, or is it just Us?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

You’re inclined to judge a tiny bit harshly, (We do not judge harshly, you addled-brained smelly protoplasmic sack of excuse for a cretinous retard’s excrement-encrusted orifice.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

and the fact of the matter is, there may be more here than meets the eye — maybe a lot more.  (Not only that, but One or more of Us may be eyeing the meat.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

She's got Bette Davis thighs

Greetings, Eurotrash Recycling Isn't Conservation---

Here is your horoscope for 90210 (We did, of course, already celebrate 90201 Day this year, back in February, for Our Euro-peein' friends.  Well, now We're celebrating it again. (It may interest some of you to know that, if you Google "90210 naked" on Wikipedia, you don't really come up with any scandalous pixtures. (Even as We were typing that, it occurred to Us that it was (A.) ridiculous and (2.) impossible.  Then We realized that, given Our recent computer trials and tribulations, Our Google settings had probably defaulted to "Safe  Search: Moderate".  So We went back and redid the search with Safe Search: Off.  We won't subject you to the results, but they were certainly...vaginal.))):

(But enough of that.  Let's talk about Us.  We have been relatively low-key about promoting Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, The Real Housewives of South Philly,  which opens Sunday.  But We must just take this opportunity to crow that the Sunday 8PM show is SOLD THE FUCK OUT, people.  Because We are JUST that good.  So if you are dithering over your plans to see this puppy, dither no longer Mister Dithers; get the hell online and get yo' damn tickets befo' yo' can't get no tickets no mo'.  Here's where:  http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844  The show plays on Sundays, September 5, 12, and 19 at 6 and 8PM, and Wednesday, September 8, Tuesday, September 14, and Thursday, September 16 at 8PM at L'Etage Cabaret above Beau Monde at 6th and Bainbridge.  We have also made City Paper's list of What Not To Miss At The Fringe: http://citypaper.net/articles/2010/09/02/fest-bets .  And stay tuned for info about Our appearance in the Wilmington Fringe in October.)

(For those who enjoy hearing about Our trials and tribulations in ComputerLand, We are currently awaiting a new "video card", whatever the hell that is.  This would be Our third video card for this computer, which is three years old.  Since the new hard drive (also Our third) didn't fix the problem.  Dude, you're getting a Dell.  Shoved up your ass sideways.)

(On the plus side, a lovely Chinawoman named Jasmine diagnosed Our problem, took over Our computer remotely, and reconfigured it so We could watch porn while waiting for Our new video card to arrive, so all is not lost.  Although having just this morning seen a pixture of Gabrielle Carteris's head Photshopped onto some naked porn actress's body, We may never look at porn again.)

(Our-O-Scope:)

There's absolutely nothing you can't do right now (Oh, honey...NOBODY does Absolutely Nothing the way WE do Absolutely Nothing.)

-- except possibly keeping quiet about anything that even mildly irritates you. (Well, then We guess it's a good thing that nothing only MILDLY irritates Us, so We can holler all We want.)

Avoid folks who'll expect you to 'just be nice,' (Well, duh.  Because clearly they are either complete strangers to Us, or else mentally deficient in some way.)

and turn your focus toward putting an end to situations that deserve your undivided, unfiltered verbal attention. (Is it just Us, or did Kelli just give Us permission to be a bitch on wheels in heels with a Piels  while clubbing baby seals?  (We just had to go look up Piels, to make sure it really was a beer, the way We thought it was.  Also, do baby seals actually go clubbing?))

 If you're anywhere near a dear one, (Insert queer joke here.)

your heart will be so full you'll wonder if it can hold any more happiness. (Oh, good.  So now, Our heart's gonna explode.  Who the hell's gonna clean THAT up?)

It can. (It can shitcan by the seashore.)

(Micro$oft Weird(TM) believes that "shitcan" is not a word.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird(TM) is paying no attention whatsoever to Our life.)

Just wait 'til tomorrow. (Was that a threat?)

Do not -- repeat, do NOT -- get behind the wheel, or even think about operating any machinery if you're angry, upset or irritated. (Well, there's a bunch of machinery that's gonna rust itself to pieces from neglect.)

Stalk to your destination instead.  ("Stalk"?  Seriously?)

No matter how hard you've tried lately, things just haven't been working out the way you want them to. (We were going to get a T-shirt that said this, but then We figgered why not just get it tattooed on Our forehead and be done with it.)

Try another tack (Yeah, this seat isn't uncomfortable enough yet.)

-- and keep your sense of humor intact.  (Oh, please.  We are ten of the funniest people you know.  (Get your WaitStaff tickets.  NOW.))

(Euro-Peein'-Euro-Trash-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

Cowgrass.  Fresh-poured flavor, all the way down.)