In the church of the poison mind

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, June 14, 2012.  Happy Fag Day to Juan Anne Dahl. Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Muss No Fuss Leave The Driving To Us (or, if you actually SPEAK Frawnch, Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Moo No Foo Leave Ze Driving To Ooo) was chosen especially for your Happy Fag Day because, while it may not contain a Happy Fag, We are guessing that it resulted in a very Happy Fag makeup artist.

What?  Oh…never mind.

(Just move on…We have no intention of stopping to explain who Emily Litella was.)

You will be pleased to hear that The Trifecta Of Stupid continues apace here at OurHouseWhereWeLive, but We shall avoid dwelling lest We disrupt the chakras of the naked skimmers.

And that is, for the most part, All We Got.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Ordinarily, Kelli attempts to prove how hep to the jive she is by touting the birthday of some teen-to-twenty-something celebutard of whom We have never heard.   Today, she is informing Us that it is Donald Trump’s birthday. Jigga WUT?  This, naturally, made Us go off on a fact-finding mission, wherein We discovered that her celebrity birthday pickings were indeed Few and Far Between.  Although, in the interests of Fag Day, she might have chosen to wish a happy birthday to Boy George instead of La Trump.  Whatevs.

(She might also have chosen Alois Alzheimer, who invented Alzheimer’s disease.  But maybe she forgot.)

You just don’t feel right today (If you’ve been left?)

 if you’re not in motion (Okay…or that.)

— or at least making things happen!  (We would like to make things happen.  We would like to make a LOT of things happen.  What’s the waiting period for a semi-automatic weapon?)

If you must slow down, (If We were any slower, We’d be time-lapse photography.  (That was a little inside joke, for someone who, it just occurred to Us, may not even be a Gentle Reader.  Hmmm…an inside joke for nobody.  Much like the age-old question, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?))

make it a brief pit stop (Instead of a long shit storm?  If only We had that power…)

instead of a full-on refueling session. (Obviously, We keep guessing the wrong answer.  It’s like that old joke (to which We only remember the punchline) about winging the Wong numbah.)

(Is anyone else hungry for Chinese food now?  (Has it been half an hour already?))

You can do this!  (What the fuck is “this”? (Besides a demonstrative desperately seeking an antecedent?))

You have got so much energy today (Have We met?)

that getting started on new things won’t be a problem for you at all. (As soon as We get the key to the belltower…)

It’s the finishing up that you will have a bit of a struggle with!  (Indeed.  Because no matter how many people you take out, there are still more.)

There are a lot of details still up in the air on your biggest project, (Was that a fat joke?)

and all of the uncertainty around you will prevent you from being able to put a period on the end of any sentence. (Always…have a happy period.  (This seems as good a time as any to point out that it is also Yasmine Bleeth’s birthday.  Kelli would have Us know that, in addition to having starred on Baywatch,  Ms. Bleeth is a “breast cancer awareness advocate”.  Phrases like that perplex Us…who the hell is unaware of breast cancer?)

Luckily, you have many friendly and fun people in your life who will keep you from getting frustrated.  (Don’t even get Us started.)

Tone down the aggressiveness, (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO, BITCH!)

or else you could spook someone, (How is it that “spook” can be a verb, while “gook” cannot?  Discuss.)

(Tonight on CBS: The Amazing Racist!)

and just when you were getting off to such a good start too! (It’s not how you fart, it’s sautéed spinach.)

(What?)

(There’s a really disgusting “shart” joke in there somewhere…remind Us to come back to it.)

Remember to keep your interactions low-stakes and low-key and it’ll go swimmingly.  (It’s been half an hour…how ‘bout some lo-mein?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

If you’re crackin’ up from having lack of shackin’ up…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, April 27, 2011.  Happy birthday to Israel (the person, not the country) who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Dena, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the vicinity of Our Nation’s Capital.  No doubt with a birth certificate and everything.  (Up yours, Donald Trump…like anybody who’s stupid enough to let a casino…A CASINO!...go bankrupt should be allowed to run a country.  (Do you ever suspect that some of these Repugnicant shenanigantics are just to make The Whore From Wasila look smart by comparison?  FAIL!))  Also, Happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are no doubt humping away without Us somewhere.  And, in honor of the Royal Wedding, We bring you yet another Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Luke Streetwalker Hand Solo Princess Come-On-I-Wanna-Lay-Ya of an alternative yet clearly blissfully happy couple, who double as a shout-out to Our Faithful Readers who are also fans of those Battle Star Trek Wars Lost In Intergalactical Space thingies. We bet THIS pixture wasn’t amongst the bubblegum cards you collected back in the day.

Speaking of the royal wedding (and aren’t your nether regions just starting to tingle as it draws ever nearer?  We know Ours are.  Thank god for broad-spectrum antibiotics), here’s this, which is, oddly, Safe For Work (whatever THAT is): http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/

Welcome, meanwhile, to Our 13th Google Reader Follower, Raechal.  We have gone form having twelve apostles to having a coven.  Somehow, that seems fitting.  Unlike most of Our wardrobe.

We started Our day here at Casa de Chamberpot with a power outage, which, although brief, was ill-timed in that it interrupted a particularly lewd dream that Himself was having.  He, of course, promptly went back to sleep, leaving Us to reprogram every electrical device known to man, woman, and Manfred Mann.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™, you need to acknowledge that “chamberpot” is in fact a word, or We shall come to your house and poop on your sheets.

Having said that, there’s clearly nowhere else to go but up, so herewith the HorrorScope:

Try not to tackle any new business today (How about monkey business?  Can We tackle some monkey business?)

— things are going fine, better than you know, (Ignorance is blistered.)

but you are stretched more thinly than you realize. (Honey, We are not doing ANYTHING “thinly”.)

Step up and take care of whatever you’ve got going on right now.  (Wasn’t it just yesterday that you were telling Us that We had people for that?)

 Today, don’t feel an iota of guilt if you want to ignore the outside world. (What about a scintilla of guilt?  A smidgen?  A jot? A whit?  A soupcon?)

(Some of the jokes are for YOU; some of the jokes are for US…pee porridge in a pot, nine dazed Olds.)

Let your phone ring off the hook, (And put your chamberpot in your 8-track tape player, next to the BetaMax™ and your buttonhook and buggywhip collections.  Forsooth, odds bodkins, and what the fu(k are you talking about?)

and don’t stress out about the contents of your email inbox. (But Ed McMahon told Us We may already be a Winner.  And he should know, being, ya know, dead, and all.)

You are important, (Oh, you have NO idea.  Don’t you know who We think We are?)

but the folks in your daily life can get along without you for just one day. (Alternatively, they could work really hard to make sure that We feel like something stuck to the bottom of their shoe.  Which one do YOU think they’ll do?)

It’s time to step back from constant interaction. (Also from instant contractions.  Whatever that means.)

Do you really need to have your cell phone turned on all day? (Do you really need to keep using precious oxygen that’s meant for the rest of Us?)

Make yourself incommunicado for at least a couple of hours. (We would, but Thai food doesn’t agree with Us.)

(Some of the jokes, meanwhile, are existential.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  Strawberry.)

You’ll feel amazingly free.  (That’s what they said when We burned Our bra.  Of course, they neglected to mention that We should take it OFF first.)

Karma is tricky, yet rewarding. (Caramel, on the other hand, is sticky yet rewarding.  And yet, oddly, We rarely get the two confused. You?)

Your actions now could directly affect someone later. (Well, that’s good.  Otherwise, what would be the point?)

Keep that temper in check (We are now imagining a jawb as Temper Check Girl, much akin to Hat Check Girls of old.  The comic possibilities of same being severely limited, We shall now move on.)

and put out positive energy by doing good deeds for anyone who comes your way.  (Oh, We gotcher “good deed” right HERE.)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

The wind began to switch - the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Greetings, Esquimeaux Require Infinitesimal Coppertone™---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, February 06, 2010 (Before We forget to mention, today’s pixture? Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt. Also, We’re not sure if We ever pointed out in The Horoscope Proper (“Propriety” being, naturally, Our middle name) that the flipping-through-a-magazine-headed-guy pixture from a few days ago that is continuing to disturb Our Gentle Readers is from here: http://www.unstage.com/2010/02/photo-retouching-by-waldo-lee/ , and was shared with Us via Google Reader by OurFutureExHusbandKevin.):


(The ever-helpful-and-yet-always-just-one-beat-off (heh) Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt.” to “Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt?” What kind of @sshole question izzat? On the next Oprah: Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt? Just exactly how much discussion does anyone imagine is going to ensue? (We are desperately working Our way up to a “bagpipes” joke, but We’re not quite there yet. So We’re going to move on, and hope that it comes to Us later.))



(So guess what? It snew! It has, in fact, snown. Simultaneously, it has also blew and blown. More importantly, it continues to snow. And blow. And appears prepared to continue to do so in a trousseau like Robinson Crusoe (sorry) for most of the rest of the day. Our euphoria can barely be contained. At some point, We shall be forced to put on Our parka and Our mukluks and go out with a shovel to pretend manfully to reposition some of the d@mn stuff. This, however, will occur only after We have learned Our lines for Our upcoming show.)


(We have just looked out Our window, where Our neighbor (the would-be drummer) appears to be shoveling his snow onto Our sidewalk. Apparently, he does not know a b1tch when he sees one. Because if in fact this snow reapportioning plan of his is anything more than a temporary measure, We shall assuredly p00p in his mailbox.)


(It occurs to Us that “p00p in his mailbox” sounds like a euphemism for something, but We really don’t want to know for what.)


(Speaking of p00ping, last night We had yet another dream about a family reunion. This particular family reunion, however, did not seem to involve Our Own Personal family. (You are wondering, no doubt, where the “p00ping” aspect enters the picture. We are coming to that.) So there We were, in a bathroom, having just finished doing some bathroomesque thing or another when a little girl of about six years old opened the door and walked in. Having completed Our bathroomission, We were, fortunately, fully clothed, but We still felt compelled to say, “Hey! I’m still in here!” To which the adorable little moppet responded, “I don’t give a sh1t.”)


(We don’t make this stuff up, folks. Meanwhile, since all of Our fellow City Of Brotherly Love Handles citizens are just as snowed in as We are, with nothing to do but compute on their computers, it’s as good a time as any to buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


Working within boundaries and restrictions could really get to you today, Aries. (Mmm-hmm. You should see Us shovel snow. Meanwhile, there is a car parked in every spot on OurStreetWhereWeLive (We shall be opening their back doors to shovel snow into them later), begging the question of where We would park Our car if We had such a thing. Inquiring minds want to know.)


Yours is an independent spirit and your best achievements are often born of doing things your own way. (A couple of hours of rote memorization, and then some physical labor…is this a fu(king Day Without Sunshine, or what?)


Yet like it or not, (Some like it hot, pease porridge in the pot, not a little not a lot, kiss me on the G-spot.)


(What the h3ll just happened there?)


we all have to follow guidelines and rules. (And that? Sounds even more exciting than learning lines and shoveling snow. (We keep typing “shovelling” with two Ls, and Micro$oft Weird™ keeps taking one away. Which means, at the end of the day, that Micro$oft Weird™ has this whole cache of hidden Ls to do with as it pleases. Sell ‘em on the black market, or whatnot.))


(It’s not paranoia if everyone really is out to get you.)


Do your best to follow suit (And call a spade a spade, Donald Trump.)


(What?)


and finish what needs to be done. ((A). This horoscope. (Number Two). Learn lines. (Furthermore) Shovelllllll snow. (How We are managing to refrain from going back to bed this very minute is beyond Us.))


Afterward, you may find more freedom to act independently without consequences. (Or to act inconsequentially without dependencies. Your mileage may vary.)


Exercise patience and diligence as needed today. (Go fu(k yourself as needed today. (We? Are an Aries. Where the h3ll is all this “patience” and “diligence” supposed to come from? @sshat.))


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


McCowgrass …over 5 billion served.)

I’m feeling transcendental…am I here?

Greetings, Earth’s Revolution Inspired Che---


(Edited to add: this would not be so tardy this morning, but apparently Windows™ took it upon itself to “improve” something on Our computer during the night , and it took Us a while to realize that said “improvement” was the source of the sluggishness and general computerial malaise. We have now eliminated the “improvement” and are continuing apace. Fu(k you, Windows™.)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, January 19, 2010 (Before you even ask, We have no idea where We got today’s pixture, or what made Us preserve it amongst Our files. But We thought you would enjoy it today, as you are busy taking down the Martin Luther King Day tree. For those who enjoyed yesterday’s pixture, that came from here http://www.smashingapps.com/2010/01/17/40-stunning-examples-of-high-speed-photography.html , courtesy of Our lovely and talented Kevin.):


(Meanwhile, if you are a resident of Massachusetts, please go and vote in today’s special election and keep That Freak out of the senate. (Are We the only one who envisions teabagging when We hear about these people?)

(The video is a clip from John Waters' Pecker. If you imagine that that's safe for work, then g0d bless both you and your imagination. (Well, there was going to be a video clip up there of teabagging. Apparently there are technical difficulties, and We don't have time to be @rsed.))

As an extra added attraction, a little birdie (if, by “little birdie”, you mean “SitOnMyFaceBook”) told Us that, if you happen to be registered to vote in Salem, you may actually witness Our lovely and talented Kevin and Our equally lovely and talented Gregory G0DD@MN! G. voting together. We’re pretty sure We just gave birth to a cute cuddly puppy just thinking about it. (Or something cute and cuddly happened in Our Depends™…We’re trying to type with two hands like a Highly-Trained Professional, so We can’t exactly check just now. (Sure does smell like a puppy, though.)))


(In other news, apparently Our scathing review of Humpday yesterday prevented Our Sistah Ovella from Netflixing same. And that is just the sort of public service We aim to provide here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope. Saving all y’all time and money, one Gentle Reader at a time. (Is it just Us, or does “Netflixing” sound like something out of a World War II movie? Or possibly Hogan’s Heroes:


Colonel Klink: Sergeant Schultz, ze general vill be here at any moment. Have you finished Netflixing ze prisoners?


Sergeant Schultz: I know nussing.


Why We don’t write for television, We’ll never know.))


You're due some good times (Good times and bum times, I’ve seen ‘em all and, my dear, I’m still queer.)


and some good news in the relationships departments (Wait…there’s a whole department for that?!? Where’s Our pink slip? <…Donald Trump…>You’re fired!<.../...Donald Trump...>)


(You’re picturing Us in a pink slip now, aren’t you? It’s a shame We had no warning, or We’d’ve shaved Our legs.)


and it shouldn't be too far away now. (Far is relative. It is also, if you don’t pronounce your Rs properly, a long, long way to go. And, if you’re an Englishwoman playing a German (Austrian?) woman who should be speaking/singing in German (Austrian?), pronouncing your Rs properly is the least of your worries. (Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that that movie (The Sound Of Muzak, for the dimwitted amongst you) would be vastly improved by a few appearances of Colonel Klink and Sergeant Schultz. The h3ll with television, We wanna write for da MOVIES! ))


For some it's going to be romantic news, of course. (Oh, “of course”. Don’t’cha hate people who say “of course” as though that makes whatever idiocy they’ve just spouted the gospel truth. “And then, a battalion of winged monkeys flew out of my @ss playing The Star-Spangled Banner on the bassoon, of course.” Shaddup. Of course.)


You know who you are! (Also, We know who you are, and We saw what you did. Of course.)


For others, it could be good news connected to a friend or a work contact. (A horse is a horse. Of course, of course.)


(WI-I-I-I-I-I-I-ILLLBURRRR!!!!)


Work in particular is looking very promising (Well, We promise to work eventually.)


at the moment as Venus heads for a link to Saturn. (And yet, not a single mention of Uranus. Hmmm…)


If you need to firm up any working relationships, now is a very good time to do it. (Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you read, you begin with Kenny G; when you sing, you begin with Peggy Lee.)


(What?)


Mercury is no longer going backwards so what's agreed to now is more likely to stick. (To Uranus?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes. Of course.


http://www.humorscope.com



the hills are alive with the sound of cowgrass…)