All the oldies but goodies

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, July 18 ^nd, 2013.  (After all this time, We realized that We could turn those thingies into superscripts if We typed them with a correct number (e.g. “2^nd”) and then pasted them where We wanted them.  Clearly, We are a Mensa Member.  (Or Menstruating.  One of those.))

Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Other Coast.  In California.  Swimming pools, movie stars.  Happy Birthday also to Ted, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  And Happy Birthday also too to Lary, who too also turns twenty-four today right here in the City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Additionally, Happy Belated Birthday to Brittany, who turned twenty-four yesterday, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  She somehow got overlooked yesterday, possibly because We were, oh, I don’t know BLINDED BY RAGE.

In other news, the plot to drive Us mad continues.  If this were (subjunctively) the evening news, We would now turn things over to Our foreign correspondent, who would identify his location as “war-torn Warnock Street”.  The Water Department, who jackhammered (it IS a word, goddammit) here yesterday till We teetered on the brink of madness, then threatened to shut Our water off for the evening (but never did), is today digging and subsequently filling in hole after hole up and down the street, in an effort to accomplish what, We cannot guess.

For the next part of Our story, you will need to realize that holes are still being created, that those that are ”filled in” are filled only with piles of dirt that rise above street level and are surrounded with orange cones and sawhorses, and that Warnock Street is completely impassable.

And it is Trash Day.

And now, from The You Will Not Believe THIS Department, in conjunction with The I’m Sorry, Tinkerbell Is Dead, You Just Didn’t Clap Hard Enough Department, this just in:

Our neighbors blithely put their trash out, even though there was no way for a trash truck to get anywhere near said trash.  Having at one time worked for the EAC (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs), and thus being well-acquainted with The Futility Of All Human Endeavor, We kept Our trash to Ourself.

Do you know that those Philadelphia sanitation workers walked up and down this block and collected every particle of trash, including recycling bins that they had to carry to their truck and then walk back to return?  We felt just as though We were in the Bible, watching Jeebus multiply loaves by fishes without a calculator, or raise Lazy Ass from the dead.

We would say that Our faith in humanity is restored, except that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “Tinkerbell” as a word, and what the hell is up with that?

On another subject entirely:

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

And now, Nicolas Cage as your favorite Disney princesses (this is as Safe-For-Work as anything featuring skanky-assed Nicolas Cage can be construed to be):

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jenlewis/nicolas-cage-as-your-favorite-disney-princesses

And here is the HorrorScope:

It is Hume Cronyn’s birthday today.  Hume Cronyn is, of course, the famous actor whom We shove up Uma Thurman’s ass every time an assumption gets made around here.

It’s a time of spiritual renewal today (Our spirit being, apparently, a library book.)

— which could be somewhat painful, so watch out!  (You think THAT’S painful, talk to Uma Thurman about Hume Cronyn’s dentures.)

You’ve got to show the world that you’re up for whatever is coming, so put on a brave face and head out!  (We’ve heard of Leading Lady Pink, and Light Egyptian…what is this “Brave Face” of which you speakum?)

You’ll easily be able to keep all of your emotions in check today, no matter what kind of hassle you have to deal with. (Well, DUH.  David Hasselhoff’s birthday was YESTERDAY.)

(What was the question?)

Traffic woes won’t worry you in the least — you’ll have great music on the radio to keep you happy. (Every sha-la-la-la, every woe-woe-woe still shines…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Karen Carpenter’s lunch.)

There’s a calmness and clarity inside of you that keeps you on an even keel.  (We might even keel over.)

 Your best friend doesn’t like your current date. (Who gives a fig?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us.)

If this person makes you happy, you can’t throw them aside. (Which one?  The best friend, or the date?  (On a side note, is the date inflatable?))

Learn to stand behind your choices.  (Well, innat just a smutty suggestion?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Spring can really hang you up the most

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesdayWeldsCornAndWeDon’tKarenCarpenterAndYouWereALadyIsATramp…(sorry; Our needle got stuck.  (In a vein.  Pumping heroin.)), March 19, 2013.  Happy Belated Birthday to Scott, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  While We were at tech rehearsal. At 10:30.  AM.  In the morning.  For those of you in the biz who know what tech rehearsal is, We were finished AND HOME by 1:30.  Smell Us and be jealous.

(Scott, if you are reading this, it’s Kathleen’s one-woman show; see links below.)

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/  And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

http://diversionproductions.moonfruit.com/

In other news, We are told that Spring begins tomorrow, but We will believe it when We see it.

In still other news, here is Our capsule review of Celeste and Jesse Forever, which We watched this weekend:  in his eighteen seconds of screen time, Elijah Wood demonstrates that HE is a movie star, while the rest of these folks in this movie are…well, whatever they are.  Also, if you get a leading role in a movie, even if it’s your very first one, even if you’re eating ramen noodles and ketchup packs, and living in the trunk of somebody’s car, get your goddamn teeth whitened.  Nobody wants to look at your ugly-ass goddamn butter-colored teeth.  KThxBye.

Speaking of butter, why don’t’cha all butter up Uranus and share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 . Tomorrow, Our Aries video will debut!

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Oh. Our. God.  Not only is it Glenn Close’s birthday, it is also Moms Mabley’s.  We barely know whether to scratch Our watch or wind Our ass.  (Much like the “Our needle got stuck” quip from earlier, this watch-winding thing doesn’t work anymore either, as many of Our Gentle Readers will have never seen a watch that One would wind.  Sigh.  We are old.)

It’s a good day to hash out disagreements at work or nearly anywhere else. (Well, DUH.  The more hash you smoke, the less disagreeable you become.  Who didn’t know that?)

Your ability to make your case is heightened,  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Perry Mason.  (We’ll pause here, while the chirren Google “Perry Mason” on Wikipedia.))

and you should find that your adversaries come around to your side soon.  (But if We all sit on the same side, the boat will tip over.)

Your wit will be extremely fast and potent today (If you think THAT’S fast, you should see Our halfwit.)

— but that could be a mixed blessing, (Which is still better than a mixed nuts blessing, which can be very confusing.)

so be very careful about what you say and to whom you say it. (Oh, okay.  We will.  AssHat.)

Make sure that you’re only smarting off and being sassy in front of the people who know your sense of humor well.  (Okay, did anyone else just think that Sassy Smartingoff would be a really good drag queen name?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Strangers will not do a good job of picking up on your sarcasm. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

So going on auto-pilot is not something you should be doing today, especially when you are in a room full of important or influential people.  (What if We go on auto-erotic-pilot-light instead?)

(We are fairly certain there was an entire screenplay in that last sentence.  We are seeing Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron.  With Elijah Wood as The Beaver.)

 You may work better using the written word for the moment,  (All current evidence to the contrary.)

so take advantage of the online dating world.  (And how exactly would that differ from having a wank?)

(Sorry.)

If you find yourself in a romantic one-on-one meeting, make sure to think before you speak! (But We are the Queen of Extemporanea. (Or Norway.  One of those.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I streamed a stream of consciousNESS

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday’sChildIsFullOfEverySha-La-La-LaEveryWhoa-Whoa-WoeKarenCarpenterIsStillDead, February 6, 2013.  (That there joke operated on so many levels that it was frightening, wunnit?  A sort of existential tone poem of a joke, if you will, Buffalo Bill coupe de ville Anita Hill.  The sort of joke a Buddhist monk might mime to his yak.  A yuk for yaks, as it (subjunctively) were.)

We may be having a stroke.  Oh, We can raise Our arms, and We can smile, but when We tried to say a sentence, it came out as one of the sentences from the preceding paragraph, so the jury is still out.

We are apparently becoming civic-minded in Our dotage.  That was Our second Public Service Announcement in two days.  Many of you are no doubt still recovering from Our breast cancer PSA video from yesterday.  Speaking of strokes.

As a matter of fact, We’re feeling so benignly benevolent and benevolently benign that We’re gonna replay that PSA just pour vous, Nanette Fabray:

For those of YouPeople who have paused long enough in your naked skimming to wonder just how We create such a bantery barrage of bon motley badinage every day before breakfast, We are here to tell you, Boris Badonov, it is almost entirely stream-of-consciousness.  Stream-of-consciousness is, of course, a literary technique perfected by noted American author William Faulkner.  We are fairly certain We’ve never read an actual word written by the illustrious Mister Faulkner, but, on multiple choice tests in high school, if they said “William Faulkner”, we were trained to bark out “stream-of-consciousness”, much like Pavlov’s dog.

Nuns are fucking hysterical, no?

Speaking of hysterical nuns, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Speaking of Our Sistah Ovella (is it just Us, or is the stream of Our consciousness much like a circus elephant pissing on your head and then telling you it’s raining? (Of course it isn’t, silly; circus elephants can’t talk.  (This is the same reason why those Buddhist monks had to mime to their yaks.  (Oh, look; We’ve come full circle! (To everything (turd-turd-turd) there is a season (turd-turd-turd)…)))))

What the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, yes, Our Sistah Ovella.  To cheer Ourselves up here in the dead of winter, she is coming over later and We’re gonna eat baguettes and watch French people starve to death.  That is, We’re gonna look at Our SAG screener of Less Miserable.  If We’re lucky, maybe long about the third hour, Jerry Lewis will sing a song.

As Marcel Marceau always says:

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Apparently, today is everybody’s birthday, from Axl Rose to Zsa Zsa Gabor.  (We have no idea what that means, but We do enjoy the symmetry.)

You need to snap into action today  (We’ve already had a stroke…isn’t that enough “snapping” for one day?)

— so make sure that you’re not just spinning your wheels or talking the big talk. (Also, what about Crackle?  And Pop?)

Things should start to get more interesting (Well, they certainly couldn’t get less.)

just as you’re in the thick of it all!  (Is it just Us, or did the exclamation point make that sound really dirty?)

 Seek out someone who you really respect or admire and find out how they do it. (WWWFD?)

(What Would William Faulkner Do?  (Try to keep up.  Jeebus.))

If you love how they handle themselves in a meeting, (Or if you just love how they handle their love-handles.)

ask them for pointers on how to improve your verbal communication.  (It is also Eva Braun’s birthday.  We just thought We’d throw that in there.)

If you admire the way they always get the party started, find out how you can become more outgoing.  (What if We want to become more incoming?  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.)

Whatever you want to learn today, the best way to get your education is by asking someone who’s already doing it well. (Now We are picturing Axl Rose and Zsa Zsa Gabor sharing birthday cake.  Someone make it stop, please.)

They’ll be flattered (Or flattened.)

and will start seeing you in a more positive light.  (How ‘bout a nice bastard amber?)

Exploring some new scenes and meeting some fresh characters gives your heart the kick-start it’s desperately in need of.  (Did We mention Our stroke?  Kick-starting Our heart might not be the wisest idea…)

Now for something, and maybe even someone, entirely different!  (Whatevs.  We gotta go to the bakery for baguettes.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.