A person could develop a bad, bad cold

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, September 25, 2012.

Three days coming, three days with you, three days going.  We are very confused.  Sunday was definitely a “coming” day, and today it is definitely “with Us”.  We are unclear as to what yesterday was, although it’s pretty clear that this shit ain’t gonna start going away until at least tomorrow.

Sigh.

And We had so many plans for things We needed to get done after the show closed.  Sitting around watching snot fall out of Our nose was, oddly, not on the list.  What a waste of a week.

Our apologies to Heather Locklear, but We are fairly sure you wouldn’t want Us to show up to your birthday festivities in Our current condition.

Meanwhile, from the No ‘Tard Left Behind Department, Presidential Candidate and Inappropriate Spray Tanner Mitt Rmoney doesn’t know why you can’t open the windows on  an airplane.  Is it just Us, or is this assclown starting to make Dumbya look smart?

Because We clearly have nothing, here are some tweets from Twatter:

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong unless it's the rearview mirror and you're driving a school bus.

I wish babies would stop saying "hi" to me while in the checkout line.  I don't fucking know you.  Don't talk to me.

Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me", yet here I am.

Remember, if you're attractive, it's called persistence.  If you're ugly, it's called being a stalker.

It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-It on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.

The best way to prepare Brussels sprouts is to throw them in the trash while ordering a delicious pizza.

You don't have to break my  heart to make me cry.  Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far, much like Helen Keller in an air traffic control tower.

It is difficult to believe that it was only three short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your leadership is rarely in question, and today shows why that’s the case.  (Because We’re all alone in OurHouseWhereWeLive?)

You take the reins at work or at home in a way that shows everyone concerned what’s what.   (Wait…We’re on a horse? Are We Isaiah Mustafa?)

Don’t look back!  (Or down.  Or in the basement.)

The future belongs to people who think for themselves, (That’s what YOU think.)

(Heh.)

so where does that leave you? (In bed, hopefully.)

Being a part of the crowd is important, (Ve vant to be alone.)

and you certainly don’t want to create tension among your people. (If We have so many damn people, why can’t one of ‘em be sick for Us?)

But when you start agreeing to things that you don’t actually believe in, that’s too far over the line. (One toke over the line, Sweet Jeebus…)

Today, you have to hold on to your convictions and keep your individuality.  (That sounds like a lot of work.  Can We do it tomorrow?  Or, preferably, next week?)

If other people react poorly to your opinions or disagreement, then that’s their problem to solve — not yours.  (Good.)

Make a few plans today.  (Perhaps We shall start in on next week’s social calendar.  Assuming, of course, that We live that long.)

You could bake a cheesecake (In what universe?)

or you could ask that good-looking stranger to grow old with you. (Yeah.  Because that’s a pick-up line that’ll work.)

You pick!  (You suck!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

California dreamin’

Greetings, Expired Retiree Inspires Conspiracy---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, July 21, 2010 (If you are STILL Mondaying, when you SHOULD be Humping-For-Hump-Day, that means you’ve totally missed Two-Stepping Toozday, and should probably throw in the towelhead. We Our Own Selves Personally have just dropped by for a mo-mo, as We didn’t want to leave you unentertained (oh, it is so too a word) on this glorious sunny Hump Day. But We have places to go and people to do, so this is going to be short (that’s what she said).):


(We should point out, at this point, pointedly, to the Pointer Sisters, that We have never actually SEEN that show, either Britishally or Americanically. Clearly, We are culturally deprived. Or depraved. Or something.)


(Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Fermez Fabergé Oil Of Olay Café Au Lait Simone Signoret is from Our recent trip to The Left Coast. We are a terrible pixture-taker, in that We frequently remember to cart Our camera places, but then We don’t take any pixtures. For example, there is not a single pixture from Our trip of Us with TCBITWWW. Nor is there a pixture of Us with the lovely and talented Willam Belli. And did We get a pixture of Ourselves when We met Isaiah Mustafa at Legendary Bingo? Mais non. There are, however, several pixtures of Us visiting relatives at the La Brea Tar Pits, and a pixture of the Greasy Wiener wagon. Our world, and Malcolm Pruitt.)


(Naturally, We just now yanked “Malcolm Pruit” out of Our ginormous @ssz because he fit so well into the preceding sentence. But, because We are an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We just Googled him on Wikipedia to see if he was a real live boy. Turns out he has an award named after him and everything. Who knew?)


(Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus : Sunday, July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live and on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage. Tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3635 or here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 . If you haven’t gotten them already. And you haven’t. We KNOW. We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We really don’t give a sh1t either way, so buy tickets to Our show.)


(Meanwhile, Our video is languishing in anguish (while having a Manwich™ sandwich). Send a friend.)





)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


(Yeah, it’s noon. We don’t have time for this part.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):






(THIS is why We came here today…so We could share THIS with all y’all:


Aries


Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.


Taurus


Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.


Gemini


Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: This is what is known as "food poisoning."


Cancer


Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.


Leo


They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.


Virgo


Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.


Libra


You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.


Scorpio


The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.


Sagittarius


It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.


Capricorn


The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!


Aquarius


Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.


Pisces


You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.


Taste that beats the others cold…cowgrass pours it on)

And those Hollywood nights in those Hollywood hills

Greetings, Eastern Return Infuriates Coast---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 21, 2010 (Gracious hello, Gentle Readers! It would appear that We have not spoken with you since last Hump Day. We trust you have been humping along, as one does. We Our Own Selves Personally were in California. El Lay, to be precise. Celebrating the twenty-fourth anniversary of Our nativity with swimming pools and movie stars. Speaking of natal anniversaries, happy belated birthday to Nima, who turned twenty-four yesterday while We were flying the friendly skies on Our return.):


(We have SO much to tell you all! But, as We are still readjusting to Our Own Personal time zone, We suspect that We shall be telling you in dribs and drabs over the next week or so. Lettuce first just tell you that We were staying here, which is possibly the only establishment advertising itself on the WorldWideInterWebNetz whose pixtures don’t lie. Speaking of pixtures that don’t lie, Our two Eric’s Daily Horoscopes Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Couchez Avec Moi Madame Pompadour would involve Our very Own Personal celeb sightings (are We alarmed that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “celeb” as a word? We most assuredly are.) Yes, boyzzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We smelled Isaiah Mustafa! (He did NOT smell like Old Spice™.) He was the guest caller at g@y bingo at  Hamburger Mary's WeHo , which was hostessed by Our other celeb sighting, Our friend Willam Belli. (We would apologize for putting Isaiah on top of Willam, but We suspect that Willam won’t mind.) Did We mention that We won a round of bingo? Well, We did.)


(Merde, il pleut. And We have about a kabillion errands to run out in the universe today, d@mmit.)


(This may be the latest Eric’s Daily Horoscope posting EVAH. It is also Our one-hundredth posting in Bloggonia. So do please leave Us a comment or some such. (Seriously…you may notice that they have taken Our ads away. Well, with those also went the counter that showed Us how many people were reading Us. So We can’t even hear you breathing any more. (If any satisfied WordPress users would care to enumerate the benefits of same, We would be All Ears (Except For Our Big Fat @ssz).)))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)






Financially, things are looking quite promising for you as the Moon complete a lovely grand trine configuration in the skies in just a few days. (Hmmm…We just spent a small fortune in money We really don’t have, We didn’t win PowerBall™ while We were away, and We ain’t got a jawb. Yep, financially, everything’s coming up roses.)


If you're hoping for some good financial news, you might well be in luck. (Or fu(ked. One of those two.)


If you need to work on your self-esteem, (Should We have Our self-esteem steamed, or should We steam it Ourself? Decisions, decisions, long divisions.)


as a lot of Aries do right now, hopefully something will happen to make you feel fabulous about yourself. (Is it just Us, or does “hopefully something will happen” not sound exactly like a plan to you, too?)


And if nothing happens, (As it generally does.)


you might have to do some hard work on yourself and remind yourself what's GREAT about you. (What is all this “yourself” cr@p? So what if We know how GREAT We are? Are We gonna hire Ourself, and pay Ourself a paycheck? @sshat.)


Top tip: Make a list! (Does One put “make a list’ on a list? And, if so, how does that list get made, without a list telling One to make it? Real life, she is complexicated.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com






what happens at cowgrass stays at cowgrass)