Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManaclesMonday, February 10rd,
2014.
So some assclown on SitOnMyFaceBook just updated
his status to: “Is anyone on here a medical doctor?” , then proceeded to
explain some mix-up in his medication-taking schedule. Yeah, dude, We’re ALL medical doctors on
here, and the little blue pills are for when you’re SO CRAZY THAT YOUASK FOR
MEDICAL ADVICE ON FACEBOOK.
Ahem.
Happy Birthday to Donald, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Nick, who also turns
twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Birthday also to Pam, who also turns
twenty-four today, all the way out in Pennsyltucky’s capital city. (People who do not live in Pennsyltucky are
often surprised to learn that Philadelphia is not Pennsyltucky’s capital.
(Unless they are from The South, in which case they are surprised to learn that
you are not talking about Philadelphia, Mississississippippippi. (Mississississippippippi
is, of course, nicknamed “The Banananana State”, because it’s so much fun to
spell, you forget to stop.)))
(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: so educational, it’s
part of No ‘Tard Left Behind.)
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to
Annette, and Damon, and Emily, and John, and Mike, each of whom turned
twenty-four this past weekend. Romper
stomper bomper doo. (If you understand
what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Why
the hell is she going on about some retard’s left buttock?”, you are a
pervert. (We like that in a person.)))
Speaking of perversion, We had a dream last
night in which We had a sex dream. That
is to say, Our dream was not a sex dream, but IN Our dream, We were HAVING a
sex dream. Which, while very similar, is
not entirely the same thing, as We didn’t wake up at the end.
In other news, the evidence of the preceding
paragraph notwithstanding, We really are not quite as mentally deficient as
people seem to have started to imagine that We are. Seriously.
Do not mistake Our efforts to fool you into thinking We are a nice person
for stupidity…you WILL regret it. KThxBye.
Moving on, here is what We now want you to do:
Think of all of your friends who live in, or
know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater
Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg.
(Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with
them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™
underwear. (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for
a moment there.):
LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour does Greater
Bostonia!
On Friday, February 28th, We will
be at Club Café in Boston:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1402244933363959/
On Monday, March 3rd, We will be
at Opus Underground in Salem:
SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/
Stay tuned to these e-pisstles, as We will be
playing one more date in the area, to be announced early next week.
And thank you all in advance for alerting
your Greater Bostonian friends. (Do you
feel just like Paul Revere now? We bet
you feel just like Paul Revere now. “The
British Bitch is coming, the British Bitch is coming!”)
Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and
Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there. We have decided that, on this trip to Greater
Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time. Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new
position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the
house…
We are
currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there
is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video. Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.
Our
video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above,
and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
And now, the HorrorScope…
In celebrity birthdays today, Robert Wagner
is eighty-four, Jimmy Durante is dead, and Glenn Beck is crazy.
Your emotional side is making short work of
whatever situation you’re facing today (HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO US? WE'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!)
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
— so feel free to let fly! (Alternatively, fear flea Tourette’s fry.)
(Oh, sure, you’ll laugh NOW. But in half an hour, you’ll want another
joke.)
It may be hard (Indeed it may.)
to explain to others why you’re huffing and
puffing, but then again, you don’t have to.
(Not once their fucking house is blown down, We won’t.)
Someone who you usually consider to be mellow
and agreeable will start acting kind of feisty today — which is going to be
quite amusing to you! (We shall, no
doubt, titter. And possibly guffaw. Chortling is not completely out of the
question, either. You have been warned.)
They have turned over a new leaf and are no
longer hesitant to act out or say what’s on their mind — and they have you to
thank for it. (Yeah, We’ll just sit here and hold Our breath and wait to be
thanked.)
(In random news, We just looked out Our front
window. The snow We were going to have
to shovel? Has been melted by the sun.)
Get ready for a boatload of their gratitude, (The
last time someone told Us that, they tried to surprise Us with a buttload of
granny toads. Which is not at all the same.)
which will give you a wonderful feeling of
camaraderie. (Is that even a word? That
doesn’t even look like a word.)
You’re feeling the urge to clean house — on
many levels! (Oh, on all sorts of
levels! All except the level involving
actual physical objects and dirt.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
