She bangs, she bangs

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day,  September Sebbenteenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Sara who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy Birthday also too to Lauren, who also too turns twenty-four today, for the very first time, no less, also too right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Lex, who turns twenty-four today (which may or may not be yesterday or tomorrow (time zones are complexicated)) all the way over in China.  Which makes him, We would venture to say, Our Farthest-Flung Gentle Reader. (Insert Wellest-Hung joke here.  (Insert William Hung joke here.))

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In other news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!

 was SOLD OUT (and very well-received)  this past Friday, Saturday, and Sunday  nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up  (because mmmm….curried favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/ The show continues tonight, Friday, and Saturday at 8 at L’Etage, and, if you perchance lay your hands upon tickets for Friday, you will encounter the extra added attraction of Us Our Own Self Personally working box office.  Because We’re multitalented like that.

We Our Own Self Personally will not be shitting the bed tonight, as We have a private murder mystery show.  We will next be performing the murder mystery publicly on Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

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Speaking of lemurs on Uranus,  (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, most of the celebrities having birthdays today are already dead (Anne Bancroft, Roddy McDowall, John Ritter).  The celebrities who are having birthdays today who are still alive are people of whom We have never heard.  What the hell kind of “celebrities” are those?  They include a “web video star” (seriously?) and a “cricket player”.  Jigga wut?

And now, as Our day is getting completely away from Us, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

How nice to be with you again.

Madame Olivia is interested in the song with the lyrics "All of me loves all of you." There's a little scrimmage in Madame Olivia's brain, though, because the line is so absolute and so total and sets the bar for a relationship so very high. Happily, the singer does ameliorate it by saying "I love all your perfect imperfections." This is a great line, and so worth thinking about: can you love somebody's perfect imperfections and is it mutual? Does it go both ways?

And now, Aries, Madame Olivia would like to suggest that you will soon find yourself needing to assert yourself. Yes, you! Even if it feels difficult or impolitic, in an upcoming dilemma you will need to speak up. You will find that people will listen, the situation will calm down, and things will be better than before, especially for you.

Madame Olivia sees great energy for you around odd numbers

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Everything is beautiful at the ballet

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 11, 2011.  A VERY belated happy birthday to Pat, who turned twenty-four this past weekend, a fact which We forgot to remember on Monday.  (Forgetting to remember: easy.  Remembering to forget: difficult.  Sigh.)  Also, happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today, a fact to which We were alerted by SitOnMyFaceBook.  (We are, of course, The Queen Of Social Media, and you are cordially invited to kiss Our scepter at your earliest convenience.)

But enough of all these birthdays and such.  Whaddaya think this is, a horoscope or something? (We have been practicing Our American accent.  For when We become famous and go on the telly.  Hence the “whaddaya”.  How are We doing so far, Ducks?) We are, as of this writing, just NINE DAYS AWAY from an announcement of such earth-shattering proportions that it will, well, shatter your earth.  And change the face of WorldWideInterWebNetzian entertainment for, like, ever. (We have noticed that you Yanks use the word “like” a lot.  Totally randomly and inappropriately.  So cute.)  Our lips are virtually aquiver (get your minds out of the gutter, str8 bois) with the overwhelming desire (what did We JUST SAY?) to spill the beans early.

But no.

Moving on, as regards today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Marlene Dietrich As Rendered By Pablo Picasso, she may indeed be “a bag of trouble”.  Her eyelash glue seems to have glued her eyes shut, her lips are colored WAY outside the lines, and her hair appears to have been manufactured by Goodyear™. Add to that the fact that her mother has named her Syphilis-Gonorrhea, and clearly nothing good will come of associating with her misguided self.  But enough about McDonna.

Speaking of media, over the weekend, We watched I Love You, Phillip Morris.  Why couldn’t they have made this movie about ten years ago, before Jim Carrey’s looks had totally gone, and before Ewan Mcgregor had turned into Roddy McDowall?  We also, in a desperate effort to be cultured, watched The Black Swan (why, no, We don’t ever have dates.  How could you tell?), which only served to confirm Our belief that ballet is very silly.

On the subject of dance, however, today is also Martha Graham’s birthday, a fact which We would not ordinarily mention except that it is worth a visit to http://www.google.com to see how they have changed their logo in honor of the occasion.

It is also Hump Day, and We would wish you a happy one, but you never seem to include Us.

Apres moi, le splooge…er, le HorreurScope:

You’ve got too much to handle right now (Was that a fat joke?)

 — which is weird for you! (And no one can handle The Weird like We can.)

 If you can delegate, now is the time to pass along some of the detail work to someone you can trust. (Now re-read the preceding sentence, and change “delegate” to “defecate”.  Much funnier, no?  Poop!)

If not, get busy!  (Heh.  Poop!)

Scheduling conflicts may seem insurmountable today (What’s so difficult about scheduling some conflicts?  We do it all the time.)

— take a break now and things may free up, (Poop!)

(This is one of those days when We feel really bad for anyone who is reading Erix Daily Horoscope for the first time.  Not, of course, bad enough to stop saying “Poop!”, but still…bad.)

making a compromise possible. (Compromises are all well and good, but compromising positions are better.)

Be prepared to give a little bit more than everyone else (So what else is new?)

— your willingness to be flexible will be remembered by people who can make things happen down the road. (Our “flexibilities”…let Us show them to you.)

One of your most ambitious goals feels like it’s getting tougher today. (Honey, “impossible” has neither a comparative nor a superlative.  Discuss.)

(The preceding was deep, literary, and highbrow, in a desperate effort to atone for all the “poop!” earlier.  Our epic failures, let Us show them to you.)

It’s time to swallow your pride (If We could do THAT, We’d never leave the house.)

and ask for the help you know you need.  (We would, but people don’t return Our phone calls.)

You need to use your energy in your love life right now.  (Well, duh.  This doll ain’t gonna inflate ITSELF.)

Create some sweet momentum (Is that a euphemism?)

and get ready to meet someone amazing. (Grace? Kreskin? Racist?)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.