Time heals everything

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, February 28^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Andrew, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Erin, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Our dear friend Maurice Bric A Brac.  Who lives, apparently, in Kentucky.  Because, it would seem, someone has to.  Here is Maurice in the very first e-pissode of his webseries, Please Consider Coming To My Restaurant…Or Not:

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Greg, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

You will notice that We are e-pisstling an e-pissode instead of AmCracking Our way northward to The Witch City.  This is because Our Salem gig has been postponed due to Monday’s incoming Winter Storm Tituba, or whatever.  (Back in Our day, We named Winter Storms “snow”.  (On the other hand, however, We did call The Wind “Mariah”, so what the fuck did We know?))

We shall keep you apprised of when Our Salem date is rescheduled.  Because We know you care.

And now, on a completely unrelated subject, We should like to tell you about a dream We had.  Our dream was about Our friend John (hi, John!), who, in Our dream, was the same person as Neil Patrick Harris.  (For all We know, he may be the same person as Neil Patrick Harris in real life, too…lord knows, We’ve never seen the two of them together in the same room.)

John/Neil and We had just graduated from high school together.  Along with, for reasons which are unclear to Us, Our friends Sara (hi, Sara!) and Dena (hi, Dena!).  (While incomprehensible, this is not so far-fetched as it might seem.  While We did not attend high school with John, Sara, Dena, or Neil Patrick Harris, We have it on good authority that each of these people, as well as We Our Own Self Personally, turned twenty-four on his or her last birthday, so We would all have graduated from high school at the same time.)

We were all helping John/Neil pack for his move to New York.  (That being, naturally, what friends are for, despite Dionne Warwick’s absence from Our dream.)  Because, of course, John/Neil is about to star in the revival of Hedwig.

At some point during the proceedings, some annoying underclassman girl, who did NOT graduate with Us, and Sara, and Dena, and John, and Neil Patrick Harris, and whom We did NOT recognize, and who was NOT helping Us pack, said to John/Neil, “I think you should get married.  To Nancy.”

To the best of Our knowledge, there was no one named “Nancy” present, and We had no idea who this Nancy was.  That did not, naturally, stop Us from snapping, “He’s already married.”

We were about to follow up with, “To a MAN”, but We decided that was just a little too Joan-Collins-On-Dynasty. (Why that would stop Us, We haven’t got any idea, but it was a DREAM, after all.)  So We decided to amend Our retort to be “To The-Man’s-Name”.  But then We didn’t know if We should name John’s husband Stefan, or Neil Patrick Harris’s husband David.

We did, however, know it would be really, really awkward if We named the wrong one.

So We woke up.

In still other news, We are poor, so We need to sell a lot of tickets to the following:

We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6^th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/462325460534871/

On Friday, March 7^th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8^th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage: https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber.  (Also, Happy Justin Bieber’s Birthday Eve.):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Fuck this noise…it is Bernadette Peters’ birthday.  Which should be a national holiday.  So We’re taking the rest of the day off, and here’s a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

It is clear to Madame Olivia that we would all do well to simplify, simplify! Studies show that the fewer possessions we have to worry about, the happier we are. Easier said than done, but a useful guide when you're debating about a nonessential purchase and a helpful push toward getting rid of stuff. A bit of weekly weeding is a personal goal of Madame Olivia's. Just a thought.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a thought for you. With both Neptune and little Chiron in Pisces, the spirit of connectedness is very much in the air. Is there somebody out there for whom you have good feelings, like love, or fondness, or appreciation, who would relish hearing you express those good feelings? You are generally so positive and kind that this might not occur to you, but could there be a forgotten soul out there who needs your sunlight? In MOHO (Madame Olivia's Humble Opinion) now is an excellent time to look at this and take action. The recipient will love it, especially coming from you, plus your own Personal Joy Quotient will soar.

Verb of the day: wonder

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

In my mind I’m going to Colorado

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, December Elebbenf, 2013.

Well, from NO birthdays yesterday to a kabillion today!  Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Colorado.  Colorado is a big, square state on the way to the Left Coast where there is year-round skiing and a pleasurable absence of Mormons, who all live in Utah, which can be distinguished from Colorado because it’s not quite  square, and, plus, all those Mormons, duh. Unlike, say, Wyoming, which is also a big, square state and which is, in fact, the exact same state as Colorado, except in a slightly different location, which has been known to cause some consternation amongst Coloradonians and Wyomingtonians driving home from the company holiday party after one too many eggnogs, as they frequently wind up in the opposite big, square state from the one they intended.

Mormons, of course, do not have this problem, because they all live in Utah, which can be distinguished from Colorado and Wyoming because it’s not quite square, and besides, Mormons wear magic underwear and can fly.  Also, when they drink eggnog at the company holiday party, it doesn’t have any nog in it, so, really, it’s just a big cup of raw eggs, and how disgusting is that?

(It is unclear to Us why Mormons don’t drink when they supposedly believe in Jeebus, who was a famous wine drinker from way back, but We are talking about geography, not religion.)

Besides, the Mormons all live in Utah, which has nothing to do with Colorado, which is a big, square state where Beth is turning twenty-four on some ski-slope today, so Happy Birthday, Beth.

(We’re really getting the hang of this geography stuff, no?)

In less-interesting geographic news, Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York, that is…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Also too, Happy Birthday to Darin, and to John, and to Richard, each of whom turns twenty-four today in and/or around The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And thank you all, gentlemen, for not living anywhere more interesting. Not that New York and Fluffya aren’t interesting, mind you, but We don’t feel compelled to explain where they are, and Colorado totally wore Us out.

Changing gears for a moment, in other news, We occasionally butter Our biscuit by taking surveys for cash on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  We don’t often discuss it, because it’s really boring, but yesterday We found Ourself  answering in-depth questions about “sexual well-being products”.

Now, the category of “sexual well-being products” includes items that make it easier for certain bits to get into certain other bits, items that keep certain bits from going into certain bits and causing undesirable consequences, and items that can replace certain bits entirely, batteries not included.  

          

It is unnecessary for Us to be any more specific.  Suffice it to say, as We can only barely remember That Time We Had The Sex (We are (fairly) certain it was during the Reagan administration), Our answers regarding desirable design qualities of the sexual well-being products in question may have been, how shall We say, somewhat less than germane.

We are assuming, of course (thereby showing Uma Thurman’s ass to Hume Cronyn), that they have changed The Sex since that time We had it. (They must have…they’ve changed everything else.)

So, the next time you attempt to purchase a sexual well-being product, and you discover that it smells like Brut™, plays an eight-track tape of Bernadette Peters singing “Time Heals Everything” from Mack and Mabel, and boasts “now with thirty-seven percent more marshmallow bits!”, you’ll know just whom to thank.

You’re welcome.

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

It is Rider Strong’s birthday.  As the saying goes, “Rider Strong, and put ‘er away wet”.

(What, you never heard that saying?)

It is also Donna Mills’ birthday.  And, since her husband is the General, she can have as many marshmallow bits as she wants.

(The humor just comes in layers upon layers in here…it’s like a fucking onion or some shit.)

You should step up and use some of this amazing energy to take action — the world needs what you’ve got!  (We’ve got thirty-seven percent more marshmallow bits, Bay-Beeeeeeeee!!!)

It’s a really good day for some parties, startups and other fun things that just need some initiative.  (Are you kidding  Us?  We’ve got Christmas shopping to finish, and can barely face the idea of leaving the house.)

You can finally put whatever has been bothering you lately on the back burner. (We don’t know about you, but Our stove only has two back burners.  Just sayin’.)

Spend the next few days walking on air — or maybe on water. (Or maybe flying around in Our magic underwear.)

Wherever you go, others throw themselves shamelessly at your feet. (Did she really just say that with a straight face?)

The impossible seems routine to you right now. (Well, many things are routinely impossible.  So there’s that.)

You’re thrilled at the prospects in front of you and happy to be alive. (Whose horoscope is this, anyway?)

Go out and do something you never dreamed you’d get the chance to do.  (Paging Johnny Depp…Johnny Depp to the white courtesy phone please…)

Thinking about your own needs could do you good before you start dating just anyone.  (What makes you think We’d date just anyone?  (Yeah, We’d pretty much date just anyone.))

You wouldn’t go to the store without a list, (Oh, ho, HO!  Wrong, Marshmallow-Bit Breath!   We’re a rebel, and We’ll never never be any good!)

so write down your desires and deal-breakers. (A penis and a pulse.)

Be honest and thorough!  (What are We, a fucking Boy Scout?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Time heals everything, Tuesday, Thursday

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  AlmostFriday, February 28, 2013.  Oh, Our dears!  We neglected to so much as pause to reflect the other day when We hit the two-thirds-through-Winter mark, and here We are, putting a fork in February!  And February does indeed look best in the rearview mirror with a big ol’ fork in its ass.  And We’re not talkin’ no little shrimp fork, neither.  This here is a big-ass ol’ serving fork, with five or six tines, and possibly electrified.  Fuck you, February, We never liked you!

On the plus side, the sun is shining.   On the minus side, through total fault of Our Own, We are on Day Two of Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s ass.  (If you don’t know what that means, you didn’t read yesterday’s e-pissode.  We’ll wait: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/in-navy-you-can-sail-seven-seas.html )

Also on the plus side, We are rehearsing today, but not until the ever-so-much-more-civilized hour of 1:30.  We would tell you what We are rehearsing for, but then you wouldn’t go check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event for same, where they explain it all so much better than We could:  http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/ (Oh, don’t lie to Us, you would not.  We have looked at Our calendar for yesterday, and it did not say, “Be born”.)

In random other news, We would very much like to pay Our gas bill, but We cannot find it.  The last time We could not find it, it was because it had not come yet, but, it being the very last day of February (hold your hats and hallelujah, mama’s gonna show it to ya), We suspect that that is not the case.

Meanwhile, shouldn’t it be Our husband’s job to find and pay the gas bill?   After all, it’s Our job to look pretty.  Which leaves Us very little time for gas.

Speaking of gas, We have released (wet fart…who’s got a comb?) Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Here are the HorrorScopes:

How is it that, after all these years, Bernadette Peters’ birthday is still not a national holiday?

You’ve got to keep pushing in this new direction — you can tell that you’ve got a ways to go, but you can also tell that things are definitely improving!  (Well, at least, at this point, We are fairly sure that it will eventually be Spring.)

It’s a good time to give yourself a pep talk.  (What is this, the 50s?  How ‘bout We give Ourself a fucking pep PILL?)

When you know you’re right, you’re right!  (See, that sounds very simple, but it’s actually quite confusing.  For example, if We think We’re wrong, are We wrong, because We’re always right, or are We right because We’re always right, and therefore, wrong?)

So listen to what that little voice in your head is telling you today. (Is that little voice in Our big head or Our little head?  (We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.))

It has invaluable insight that you will need.  (How much insight can there be in the head that only has one eye?)

(Is it just Us, or is today’s e-pissode being written by Jean Paul Sartre?)

Someone’s invitation will catch you a bit off guard today, (Trust Us, if We actually got invited anywhere, We would be totally off guard.  People don’t even answer Our emails, let alone ask Us to go paces.)

but it will also show you a glimpse of your possible future. (We are much more interested in Our IMpossible future.  It is, after all Bernadette Peters Day.)

Is this the path you really want to take?  (In general, We try to avoid things called “paths”.)

Tune into that voice again and do whatever it says.  (Is anyone else currently picturing the contortions required for said voice to whisper in Our ear?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  Keep calm and carry on.)

Picking the right path should not be something that you deliberate over for days. (Well, if We must pick a path, Sylvia Plath, let it be the primrose one.)

It should be something you just do.  (Like dykies in Nikes™, or tatting a doily.)

(We have no idea what just happened there.)

Rein in that assertiveness today. (Should We rein it in assertively?  You act as though words have no meanings, Kelli, and it is really starting to twist Our knickers.)

(Let’s twist Our knickers again, like We did last summer…)

(Sorry.)

Now’s not a good time to make the first move. (Then it must not be a good time to make ANY move.  Because, until the FIRST move is made….oh, never mind.)

Give the other person control of the situation.  (Should We hand over the reins ASSERTIVELY, ASShat?)

If nothing comes to fruition, it wasn’t meant to be. (Or it wasn’t meant to be fruit, at any rate.)

Move onto something else. (The specificity of that remark is so helpful, We are tempted to eat it with a fork. A big-ass ol’ serving fork, with five or six tines, and possibly electrified.)

(Now excuse Us, while We go eat cake with Bernadette Peters.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.