Don’t trust a ho

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, October 26, 2012.  Happy Eid al-Adha to Juan Anne Dahl.  (We had no idea what that meant (Our Dilbert calendar told it to Us), until We Googled it on Wikipedia.  Turns out, it’s a Muslim feast (which We had already surmised), and it’s not the least bit interesting, particularly in terms of mining humor from it.)

We were given to reflect, however, how people can possibly speak all these foreign languages when they all consist of random collections of letters but no actual words.

Speaking of Googling things on Wikipedia, We just learnt that We are the only writer on the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz who has ever referenced Juan Anne Dahl.  We feel We should get a prize of some sort.

Once We have finished this e-pisstle, We have to make six people confess to murder.  Which would not be a bad day’s work if We were (subjunctively), say, the District Attorney, but, alas, We are just finishing up Our murder mystery.  Which has been enthusiastically accepted by those who commissioned it, We might add, so More On That Story As It Develops.

Consequently, moving right along, here are some inappropriate tweets from Twatter to make up for the lack of original material:

The second worst thing about dating a panda is never being able to have bamboo furniture.

Next time someone asks, "Do you like impressions?", grab 'em by the shoulders, look into their eyes, and whisper, "I fucking LOVE impressions."

One time I was driving & I thought this woman was trying to casta spell on me but she was really just trying to tell me I had books on my car roof.

You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all the lamps in the room.

We are so close to living in  an age where someone will say, "Oh, no!  Grandma Brittany died!"

Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever.  Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

Being full of energy for five hours sounds horrible.

My favorite part of the turkey is its jive ass.

Ever since my friend came back from her New Orleans tirp she's been pronouncing all her French wordss with herpes on her mouth.

When your limbs fall asleep that's Death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.

I hate evrything I've ever said at the end of a  phone call.

I always cry when I see a dog with three legs because I only have two legs.

My Internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

Don't stare at me during sex!  I don't know you !!!

Your vagina should not be lower than the hem of your shorts.

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the following is happening tonight, tomorrow, and next Wednesday (assuming (thereby making a sumo wrestler out of Uma Thurman’s ass) We have not all been killed by FrankenStorm).  We will see you there, won’t We?  For those who know him, Our Sistah Ovella (aka Bob Mason) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly at all three performances.  Also, A Very Special Guest Star will be playing Brett Somers at Saturday’s performance …be afraid, be very afraid.:

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In one of those bizarre co-inky-dinks that only seem to happen here at Erix Daily Horoscope, Hillary Clinton, Jaclyn Smith, and Pat Sajak are all turning sixty-five today.  Leading Us, naturally, to the question…have We ever seen the three of them together in the same place at the same time?  What are the odds that they are actually all three the same person?  And how freaked out would that make Bill Clinton and Vanna White?

Avoid any new business today, (How is Our business any of your business?  We’ve had just about enough of you!)

no matter how tempting it may seem to be. (You know  what’s not tempting?  Your horoscope, Kelli.  We just wandered off to the InterNetz for a good ten minutes.  AssHat.)

You have got to focus (Sorry…did you say something?)

on the projects and chores that have been languishing before you can look forward to new things.  (“Languishing”?  Seriously?)

You have been all smiles with one of your foes lately, (The name’s Foe.  Edgar Allan Foe.)

(Sorry.)

and this trend is likely to continue for some time. (Yeah, because they don’t call it a trend if it’s over real fast.  Moron.)

The two of you have much more to gain by getting along than you do by pushing against each other’s interests.  (The term “lovemuffin” just leapt, all unbidden, into Our consciousness.  We have no idea why.)

This isn’t exactly going to be a lovefest, though. (Sez YOU.  (Why “lovemuffin” and not “lovebiscuit”?  “Lovebaguette”?  “LoveKaiserRoll”?))

There is still a real problem, (“LoveAmericanStyle”?  “LoveIsAManySplendoredThing”? “LoveSidney”?)

(We have no idea why she thinks there’s a problem.)

(Did anybody actually ever WATCH Love, Sidney?)

and it will not go away until they grow up and start to accept responsibility for their actions.  (We’re confused.  Who are “they”?)

You should be aware that this peace is probably only temporary.  (ViZZZualiize whirled peas.)

Everything changes — that’s simply the nature of life, and especially the nature of love. (But if the fact that everything changes doesn’t change…)

If you keep clutching at what you think you have, (Our pearls? Our purse? Jonathan Lipnicki’s ass?)

(How did THAT happen?)

you’re sure to miss out on what’s just about to arrive. (And We’d sure hate to sleep through FrankenStorm.  (Anybody got a hottie handy who’d like to come and keep Us company through the hurricane?))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Over the river and Natalie Wood

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, November 22, 2011.  As you can see, We’ve just popped in to share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius edition with you.  (Click on the pic, in case you hadn’t figgered that out.) Other than that, We’ve got nothing to report.  So much to do, so little thyme.  To say nothing of parsley, sage, and Rosemary’s Baby.  Speaking of Mia Farrow, her all-growed-up son by Woody Allen is in the news…ROWRRRR!!!  How did THAT happen?

Was that scattered enough for you?  Good thing We’re not in charge of stuffing the turkey…there’s no telling WHAT might end up in there.

Here is the link, in case you are inclined (plainly) to share and share a leak:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

The funny is just coming too fast and furious in here this morning for Us to stop and explain it to you.  Meanwhile, Our future ex-husband Rosemary’s Baby is named Ronan Farrow.  He is a Rhodes Scholar.  On the plus side, he works for Hillary Clinton.  On the minus side, Our father-in-law will be Woody Allen.  (We should point out at this juncture that We have never shared Our fellow intelligentsians’ hard-on for Woody Allen, whom We have always found annoying at best.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.  (Especially if your dad is named Ronan Farrow. (By the time We’re through with this boy, he’ll be as popular as Charlene Tilton.)))

But enough of this frivolity; We have yams to cram. Here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas)  : https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897  .  And here’s the HorrorScope:

You don’t really need to tackle your own big business, right?  (We’d be lucky to tackle Our own monkey business.)

See if you can lend a hand when it’s needed, (Straightaway, here’s the sound of one hand clapping.)

(And here’s the sound of one hand spanking the monkey.)

(Could you tell the difference?)

(Is it live, or is it Memorex™?)

(And how many of you are actually imagining Us spanking the monkey?)

as the people in your life could really use your unique talents.  (Ah, yes, spanking the monkey till it shines.  (Get it?  Monkeyshines!  Monkey pee, monkey poo.  (Hey, We won’t be epistling on all y’all again till Monday…We’ve gotta leave an impression.  (We wouldn’t want to be accused of epistling in the wind.  After all, We’re not just epistling Dixie.))))

Go for it! (Go fuck yerself!)

Listen to dissenting voices today, especially if they suggest that you should give instead of take. (We do everything The Voices tell Us to do.)

Now it is strategically wise to reveal your more selfless side. (Now We’re scared…if Ourself isn’t on that side, WHO IS???)

If you focus too much on what you want, (We might accidentally get it?)

 you’re going to send the wrong message to the people who are watching you right now.  (But if they don’t know what We want, how can they possibly give it to Us?)

Devote a little more time to helping others  (Oh, see, now.  We KNOW that’s wrong.  Because They always say, “God helps those who help themselves.”  Which is why We always help Ourself to another helping.  As you can see from the size of Our ass.  (Actually, you can’t see it in Our video, as We have a briLLLiant  cinematographer who always keeps Our ass (and the wheelbarrow that it’s trundled about in) tastefully off camera.  Cheers, Ducks.))

— ask around and find out who could use an extra set of hands.  (It only takes one hand to spank a monkey.  Who needs his monkey spanked?  Ronan, is that you?)

Even if you aren’t exactly in a giving mood, (We are in a SpanksGiving mood.)

you’ll change your tune once you dig in.  (Yes, We shall.  We shall change from “Epistling Dixie” to “It’s Raining Men”.)

Using your charms to get your way will work wonders today, (Now where did We put Our fucking charms? (Always after me fucking charms, they’re practically meretricious.))

yet being sincere (Jigga WHAT?)

when asking for help gets your request moving along a lot quicker.  (As does a tasty high-fiber cereal.)

Be sure not to overtly flirt for favors. (But if We COvertly flirt, however shall they know that We’re doing it?)

That’s just tacky! (We are wearing a purple turban festooned with a rhinestone star that We bought at the CVS, blue eyeshadow, and plastic pearls from the dollar store.  We hardly need YOU to define “tacky” for Us.)

Happy Turkey, everyone!

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.