Zebediah was a bullfrog

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August Fifteenst, 2014.

Happy birthday to Janelle, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy birthday also to Scott, who also turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Also too, happy birthday to Meron, who also too turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Additionally also too, happy birthday additionally also too to Tony, who additionally also too turns twenty-four today.  In Hackensack.  Where, pop music would have Us believe, working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.

Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to Jason, and Navaya, and Polly, and Storm, and Thom, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.

In other news, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may place it on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of your friends having Leonine birthdays: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

It occurs to Us that calling New York “The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us)” really doesn’t distinguish New York from any other city in the world.

Or, indeed, from any other animate or inanimate entity on this or any other known planet, for that matter.

Sigh.

In related news, faithful Gentle Readers will be aware that one of Our means of keeping (our ginormous) body and soul together is by doing paid online surveys.  Earlier this morning, We exercised Our expertise in the area of sexual lubricants and sensation enhancers.

You’re welcome.

In less-related news, albeit still somewhat related, but not by much, depending upon your definition of “much”, and whether or not you’ve mixed up your definition of “much” with your definition of “mulch”, which would, for the most part, be unfortunate, despite the possibility of leading to some sort of “how much mulch…” saying, a la “how much wood would a woodchuck chuck…”…

…and We WONDER why We have naked skimmers…

…it occurs to Us that We have been forgetting to share this with you: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=balls_are_huge%E2%80%8F

In celebrity birthday news, it feels as though We could all use a little respite from all of the unfortunate celebrity deaths of late, so here are some celebrities you had no clue were still alive who are celebrating birthdays today:

Pat Priest, of second Marilyn Munster fame, is 78.

Mike Connors, of Mannix fame, is 89.  (His real name is Krekor Ohanian.  (Why’d’ya suppose he changed it?))

Rose Marie, of The Dick van Dyke Show fame, is 91.

There…now you’ve forgotten all about Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall.

Oooops.

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

It’s definitely time for you to take action. (Well, fine.  As long as you consider procrastinating an action.  Because otherwise, We might have to put off taking action until later.)

Your amazing energy (Sorry…have you MET Us?)

is perfect for getting things done, and the more you move, the faster you go.  (Also, the hurrier We go, the behinder We get.  (That’s Amish for “inbred men have the biggest dicks”.))

(Heh.  Didn’t see THAT coming (heh), didja?)

Expect greatness and you’ll make it happen!  (Expect mediocrity, and you won’t care whether you make it happen or not.)

(So whaddaya think, is there a market for Amish romance novels?  Would YOU buy a bodiceripper entitled Zebediah’s Donkey Dong?)

Your energy is fiery and contagious (Much like the Ebola virus.)

 — so you should find almost everything you do becomes a source of inspiration. (What if Our inspiration is past its expiration date?)

Anyone lucky enough to be by your side is treated to some thrilling adventures. (As well as uncontrollable farting.)

Chores can wait until tomorrow, as for now you’re just better suited to tackling new activities. (Jeebus Cripes…We just got done putting off procrastinating….what else do you want from Us?  Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll bake you a shoo-fly pie.)

(Day-um…We’ve got a whole Amish THANG goin’ on.  A motif, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…who died and made YOU The King Of Rumspringa?))

Your powers of persuasion are peaking, too, (And they are crystal blue.  Much like the cleaning thing in the back of Our toilet.)

(Knowledge is power.)

so speak up about whatever you really want.  (Lettuce tell you what We want, what We really, really want.)

Turn the flame down low and let stuff simmer a bit. (Unfortunately, Our stove is electric.)

You’ll notice something or someone you’ll miss (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

if you’re in full-on working it mode. (Shouldn’t that be “werqing it”?)

 And by tonight, the stars start heating things up for you.  (Oh, great.  Pat Priest and Rose Marie are gonna come over and cook dinner for Us and Krekor Ohanian.  We must remember to put in Our Sunday teeth.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

To Surly, with love

(How many of all y’all are thinking of Lulu now?  G0d, YouPeople are old!  (Not because of the pixture, dumbass, because of the subject line.  Jeebus.))

Greetings, Effervescent Ratpoison Improves Champagne---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 04, 2010 (Ah, Monday!  Just another Mannix Monday.  (Are you wondering now, as We are, whatever became of Mannix star Mike Connors? Well, We just Googled his @ssz on Wikipedia.  He is still alive, for one thing, and is eighty-five years old.  His most recent gig appears to have been a 2007 episode of Two and a Half Men.   (Paging the Emmy noms committee.  (Nom-Nom-Nom)).  He is Armenian.  (This does not, as We initially suspected, indicate a penchant for wearing Armani.  Armenia is, according to Wikipedia, a country.  Who knew?  Meanwhile, if you start reading the (rather lengthy, for a country they just made up this morning) description of Armenia and the Armenians, and you have only had half a cup of coffee so far, your brain will consistently try to substitute “Americans” for “Armenians”, which will result in some really peculiar revisionist history.  Almost as though you were (subjunctively) reading a Texan textbook.)   Anyway.  We appear to have digressed.  Happy birthdfay to Our daughter, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Jill, who, co-inky-dinky-ly, also turns twenty-four today.):

(So We spent the vast majority of Our weekend in Wilmington, entertaining the Wilmingtonians.  Wilmington, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is conveniently located just off of Exit 6 on I-95.  

(That was a little joke for OurSara, who is one of the few people actually reading this. Hi, Sara!)  Perhaps next weekend, We shall do the show in Armenia.  If We can figger out what exit THAT’S conveniently located off of.)

(So Fall has fallen with a fu(king thud, eh?  Suddenly it’s cold as a witch’s t1t in a brass brassiere out there.  Gah!  (We were about to say We’d never even made it to the beach this year, but We WERE at the beach in California for Our birfday courtesy of TCBITWWW.  Never let it be said that We don’t maintain journalistic integrity here at Erix Daily Horoscope.))

(Speaking of journalistic integrity, We are willing to bet that there are at least one or two of you who are contemplating the raison d’être (“Raison d’être” is, of course, Frawnch for “Raisinettes™ with the chocolate licked off”.   Extra credit points if you know what’s Frawnch for “nuts with the chocolate licked off”) for today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus  Sidney Poitier Josephine Baker Nipsey Russell Condoleezza Rice.  It’s quite simple, actually.  If We were (subjunctively) wearing blackface, that is what We would look like.  From behind.)

(Is it racist to discuss wearing blackface if it’s only in the subjunctive?  Is it possible to be subjunctively racist?  If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?)

(WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

There's nothing anyone can do right now to make you think for a second before expressing your thoughts. (But wait.  If We think about expressing Our thoughts, is the thought about thought expression one of the thoughts that We express, even if We didn’t think about the thought expression thought before We express it, do you think?  (See why We can never get anything done?  Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) is HARD!))

 Fortunately, (Which, no matter how much We wish it did, does NOT imply the imminent arrival of a fortune.)

you'll be so darned entertaining that no one will mind.  (Socks all around!)

They'll be laughing too hard to get mad. (Our fat @ssz in blackface will do that for a person.)

You want to get closer, but you're just not sure. (Also, We want to get closure, but We’re just not surly.)

(What?  Okay, We ARE surly, but how could We resist?)

Don't rush things. (Especially the Limbaugh.  (See what We did there?  Neither do We.))

Nature will either direct the course -- or not.  (Well, that clears THAT right up, dunnit?)

The only word that could possibly describe how you're feeling now is 'antsy.' (Close runners-up would be “aspidistra”, “aubergine”, and “Armenian”.)

Uncross those hands, (What does that even mean?)

get up and stop pretending it isn't happening. (Again with the antecedentless “it”.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Do something!  (Johnny Depp!)

Nail-biting doesn't count.  (How about c0cksucking?  Does c0cksucking work for you?)

Just don't say more than you need to, which might be tougher than it sounds right now. (Hey, We just said “Johnny Depp” and “c0cksucking”…We’re gonna be too busy to SAY anything.)

 

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Nervous is why there’s new Cowgrass Dry)