I had a dream, a dream about you, baby

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManicuristManiacallyManhandlingManchurianManateesMonday,  January Nineteenst, 2015.

Happy Martin Luther King Day to Juan Anne Dahl.

(Today is not Dr. King’s actual birthday (We Googled it on Wikipedia…his actual birthday was January fifteenst (which is just as well, as, according to Our celebrity birthday website, today is the birthday of Robert E. Lee and Paula Deen.))

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Anita Manhattan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.   Which would seem to be contradictory, until One realizes that she is named, not after geographilogical Manhattan, but after cocktailistic Manhattan.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Allen, and Augustine, and Christopher, and Deborah, and Donald, and Ed, and John, and Kate, and Madison, and Marc, and Michael, and Natalie, and Rich, and Tina, each of whom turned twenty-four this past week.

We have frequently mentioned, in past e-pissodes, that We have seen a not-insignificant number of Our Gentle Readers in their birthday suits.  Lest you imagine that this is an idle boast, We should like to point out that, of the fifteen people wished a happy natal anniversary above, We have seen no fewer than three of them in the altogether.  That’s TWENTY PERCENT,  people. (And We won’t even get into what it’s equal to in inches. ( Or dog years.))

In other news, since We converted to Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope!, exactly ONE Gentle Reader has inquired as to Our whereabouts and/or Our well-being. (Thanks, Joe.)  The rest of you may now begin sexting Us birthday suit pix to express your profound regret for neglecting Us.

In other other news, We are directing the classic comedy She Stoops to Conquer (clearly, someone has taken leave of their senses), which will open in April at the historic Powel House, and which is doing an indiegogo fundraiser here:  https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/she-stoops-to-conquer-at-the-powel-house/x/3785583

In other other other news, this just in:

Your sign as a smell:

Aries - vodka

Taurus - grass

Gemini - armpits

Cancer - rain

Leo - new car

Virgo - coffee

Libra - paint

Scorpio - vanilla

Sagittarius – Pringles™

Capricorn - honey

Aquarius - wet rocks

Pisces - fresh laundry

We wouldn’t ordinarily give credence to such a thing, but they have clearly met an Aries or two in their time.  We wonder what “grass” they mean for Taurus, and how exactly Cancer’s “rain” differs from Aquarius’s “wet rocks”. And poor Sagittarius…is it just Us, or do Pringles™ smell exactly like feet? (We would feel sorry for Gemini, but that would depend entirely upon whose armpits We’re talking about.)

As if the preceding hadn’t enriched your lives enough, here’s this: 

http://www.offthemeathook.com/2014/11/17/hacks-13-amazing-food-and-life-hacks-you-need-to-know-right-now/

“Here is the link with which you may share Our Capricorn video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM ”

(That never happens.)

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Capricorn video:

Upon reflection, these two videos are amongst Our much more densely-plotted cinematic efforts, due to the fact that Our director actually is a Capricorn (although quite unlike the unseen character from the videos).

We often ponder, in the endless time afforded to Us by the fact that We are almost universally ignored, how many of Our Gentle Readers actually realize that, if viewed in order, Our videos actually have ongoing plots and storylines. 

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news other than that mentioned above, it is Logan Lerman’s birthday.   More importantly, were it (subjunctively) not already a holiday, it is Dolly Parton’s birthday as well…perhaps folks should get tomorrow off, too?

This isn’t a good time for sitting back passively and letting things happen (It is Dolly GODDAMN Parton’s birthday…We are sitting back passively and waiting for some muthafuckin’ CAKE.  (We were told there would be cake.))

 — far from it! (What is “it”, and how far from “it” are We?)

You need to make sure that you’re at the forefront of the action and taking care of your most important tasks.  (No, what We NEED is some muthafuckin’ CAKE. )

Your passion for travel is rekindling. (Meanwhile, Our passion for kindling is unraveling.)

(We have no idea what We just said…as a matter of fact, We weren’t even listening.)

(If you’ve got a passion for fashion, and you’ve got a craving for saving, take the wheel of your automobile…)

(Oh, is that jingle stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

If you can’t just grab your passport and take off for parts unknown, go ahead and explore your inner space. (Now, that’s just dirty…)

That could include watching a foreign film, (Art films?  NUDIES!)

(I’m Neely O’Hara!)

enjoying a food festival (Or a foot fetish festival.)

or even reading about a place that’s interested you for ages. (So wait…there’s a book about Johnny Depp’s underwear drawer?)

You could also strike up a conversation with someone from a place very far away from your home base. (To say nothing of Our home planet.)

(No, really…say NOTHING.)

You might just be amazed at what you learn. (And wouldn’t that be AMAZING?  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

You might also make a new friend in the process!  (Actually, We prefer Our friends unprocessed and all natural.  And, in many cases, We’re kind of partial to their birthday suits.)

There’s a fine line between honesty and insensitive, and you may have just crossed it! (There’s also a fine line between illiterate and full retard, and that “honesty and insensitive” bit has you so far across it, Kelli, that you can’t even see it in your rearview mirror.  Hire a goddamn proofreader, already.)

Telling someone how you really feel is fine as long as you take their feelings into account. (What if We really feel that We don’t give a shit about their feelings?)

Turn the tables and think how you would react. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Tina Table Turner.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I'll be fine and dandy; Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 19, 2011.  He’s making a list, and checking it twice; He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice…Jeebus Cripes is coming to town.  He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows who you’re sleeping with, He knows you like buttsecks with toys…

Ooops…sorry. We got all caught up for a second there in The Rapture Holiday Spirit.  Caroling, as it (subjunctively) were.  (Who is this “Carol” of whom you speak, and how did she become a verb? (It was Rapture Time, and everyone was feeling Merry, so she went home.))  We would wassail as well, but why?

Hmmm.  It would appear that that’s one that takes a little while to sink in, so We’ll let you try it again, all on its own this time:

We would wassail as well, but why?

Heh.  We kill Us.

Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that Carol Channing would make a rather excellent verb, as would, albeit to a lesser extent, Carol Burnett.  These are the sorts of passing thoughts that pass through what passes for Our mind.

 At any rate, this is the last time We’ll be able to discuss The Rapture before it actually doesn’t happen, as tomorrow’s Erix Daily Horoscope will be entirely dedicated to Our Grand Announcement.  Meanwhile, We just this very morning learned that The Rapture is totally being caused by The Ho-Ma-Seck-Shools.  Yes indeed, ladies and gerbils, the religious whackadoodle wingnuts would have Us believe that Gawd is gonna destroy the world because people are having The Buttsecks.  (Well, actually, because people are having The Buttsecks with people of the same gender.  Presumably, people of the opposite gender having The Buttsecks is just fine and dandy, like a hard-candy Rapture. (A little Dolly Parton always brightens up the day, no?)) Yes, you see, in their particularly screwy religious universe, Gawd CHANGED HIS PLANS, because the existence of Ho-Ma-Seck-Shools having The Buttsecks CAME AS A SURPRISE to Him.  Is it just Us, or does their version of Gawd sound less and less like Gawd, and more and more like a constipated Southern Baptist minister with erectile dysfunction issues?

Of course, the most disappointing thing about this whole The Rapture business is the fact that, come Sunday, all those inbred idiots who thought they were going to ascend directly into Heaven on Saturday will still BE here, trying to run things.  We wouldn’t let such nutcases organize Our spice cupboard, much less run Our country, but, as the existence of Our plethora of naked skimmers attests, nobody listens to Us.

Sigh.

Naturally, We are well aware of the burning question on all of your minds as you prepare to ascend directly into Heaven.  (“Naturally”, that is, because We are psychic.  Also psycho, but that doesn’t impact on the wisdom tooth that is this particular discussion.)  That question being, of course, is there Erix Daily Horoscope in Heaven? And the answer is, of course there is.  Gawd doesn’t need to read it, naturally, since He already knows what’s on what’s left of Our mind, but the Virgin Mary is a big fan, and frequently prints out excerpts and posts them on her refrigerator.

And now, unless you actually want Us to delve further into the concept of the Virgin Mary’s refrigerator, the HorrorScope:

Try to make the most of your contacts today (What?  They’re suddenly gonna give Us x-ray vision? (Those In The Know will want to go back and read that a la “you want I should do a bubble dance?”))

— you can make great progress if you try! (Nice werq if you can get it, and you can get it if you try. (Our life is really just one big musical comedy.  Kind of like Glee, except with old people.))

It may be that someone you’d never suspect has a job prospect or something even bigger in mind for you.  (There’s gotta be something better than this, there’s gotta be something better to do…)

(Can We sustain this “every response is a song lyric” gimmick We seem to have started?  (Can the naked skimmers play Name That Tune by farting on a kazoo? (Now THERE’S a reality television show We’d tune into.  Move over, American Idol.)))

If it feels as though the time to tackle a tough task has finally come, (That makes Us want to say “tickle a taffy tusk”.  Which is not, of course, a song lyric. So sit on Our happy face.)

today is the day to gear up for it. (No day but today.)

(Not only, you will notice, is every response a song lyric, but the songs are all from musicals.  And, with the exception of “Nice Work If You Can Get It”, which is from a movie musical (We just looked it up), all from Broadway musicals.  There is, apparently, a Ho-Ma-Seck-Shool in da house.)

It looks bigger than it really is, (Hmm.  We’re pretty sure We don’t know a Broadway musical song about penis size.)

probably because you’ve been putting it off for so long. (Farewell, auf wiedersehn goodbye.)

Use the courage you’ve been mustering up to make a plan and get more people on board. (For Our choo-choo honeymoon.)

If you need any type of assistance, the folks you need to be there will be there — with bells on. (And all We can say is, if We were (subjunctively) a bell, We’d be ringing.)

You have a vision to follow — all the way into a new era in your life.  (To life, to life, l’chaim!)

You are driven for success in all aspects of your life — including romance. (A fine romance, with no kisses.)

 When you see today’s opportunity, don’t hesitate — you know exactly what to do to turn a flirty glance into something deeper.  (No pain could be deeper, no life could be cheaper.)

(Oddly enough (for Us, anyway), not a Sondheim lyric in the bunch.  Okay, kidz, We’re outtie.  See ya on the flip side for Our big announcement!)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Baby, baby, baby, oh

                                        

                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, April 14, 2011.  The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the shun is signing, the chirds are burping, and clearly once again here at Casa de Campbell’s™SoupCasserole, We haven’t got any damn idea what the fu(k We’re talking about.  But then, what else is gnu?  (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “gnu” to “new”.  Shut the fu(k up, Micro$oft Weird™.  We are a Poetess, but We don’t knowituss.)

(What’s gnu, PussySnatch? Woe, woe, woe.)

That was a little musical interlude to help you start your day. Now if We could just find a little musical Quaalude to start Ours…

What the hell ever happened to Quaaludes, anyway?  (We just Googled them on Wikipedia…the reference included a story about Roman Polanski and a thirteen year old girl.  Of course, that thirteen year old girl is now a hundred and seventy-two, so We’ll be moving on now.  (Her name, in case you hadn’t yet guessed, is David Cassidy.  This being, for some inexplicable reason, David Cassidy Week here at Erix Daily Horoscope. (Hey, the guy who invented Tiger Beat died this week….maybe We’re taking over for him.   After all, SOMEBODY needs to publish pictures of Justin Bieber’s Underoos™.)))

Our goodness, that was all just wildly inappropriate, now, wunnit? Lettuce move on, shall We? Before you perverts get all caught up in images of Roman Polanski chasing David Cassidy around Justin Bieber’s Underoos™.   So, anyway, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  (Somehow, child molestation and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood just go together, don’t they?  Even as a child (actually, ESPECIALLY as a child), you couldn’t have paid Us enough money to be alone in a room with that cardigan-sweatered freak.  Keep your damn shoes ON, wanker, and don’t open that closet door! (Parenthetically, wouldn’t it have been a whole different neighborhood if it had been (subjunctively) Mister KENNY Rogers’ Neighborhood?  “Alright, now, chirren, you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…now show us on Dolly Parton here where the other Mister Rogers touched you.”))

It’s just a musical extravaganza in here this morning, innit?  Life is a cabaret, old chump.

What were We talking about?  Oh, yes…it’s a beautiful day.  Unfortunately, whether the weather is cold, or whether the weather is hot, somebody peed in the porridge in the pot, and Himself is rolled up in His bed, depressed.  It would seem that, one year ago today, He was winging His way to a fabulous Southern Californian getaway.  This year, despite several half-baked ideas, He decided it would be fiscally prudent to stayathome instead of gettingaway, and He’s not especially happy about it.  Oh, well; it sucks to be Him.

Perhaps His HorrorScope will cheer Him up. (Himself and We Our Own Self Personally are both Arieses.  Which is about the only thing We have in common.  Well, that, and We wear the same shoe size.):

Sometimes one day is much like the one that preceded it, (Gee, We hadn’t noticed. Asshat.)

and while you usually crave excitement, (Indeed. Often, We jump out from behind closed doors just to startle Ourselves.  Because We?  Know how to have a good time.)

right now you are content with the same-old, same-old. (Actually, We Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s have a technical phrase for that: “same shit, different Uranus”.)

Don’t stir up any new trouble!  (NOW you tell Us!  Fine, somebody give Justin Bieber a Quaalude before he starts pointing to Dolly’s Partons.)

If you’ve got a project at work that’s wrapping up, (Then you work at the gift wrapping counter in a department store.  And how very, very sad for you.)

 today is the day to attend to all the details. (We always get confused: is it God who’s in the details, or the Devil?  We’re pretty sure it’s the Devil who has the blue dress, blue dress on, because God doesn’t have the legs for it.  (But don’t tell Him We said so.)  Good golly, Miss Dolly.)

If you’re developing a new donut, start testing the sprinkles. (If you’re developing a new euphemism, check out YESTERDAY’S Erix Daily Horoscope, where Euphemismania was in full swing, and have some fun “putting the dishes away” in Justin Timberlake’s “kitchen cabinets”.  There is nothing euphemismistic about Justin Bieber’s Underoos™, although there are those who would say that the contents of same are 100% vaginal. (Ask Ethel Merman you happen to see…what smells like tuna? Justin Bieber’s pee.))

(Only Erix Daily Horosocpe Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age were able to sing that last line with the correct jingle melody. Poor Justin Bieber, one the other hand, is completely confused.  On the plus side, he’s all a-tingle form being included in the same paragraph with both Justin Timberlake AND Ethel Merman.)

Don’t go back to the cutting board for a whole new batter recipe! (Also, don’t go back to the mixer for your metaphors, because they’re muddled enough as it is.)

Whatever you’ve got, batter-wise, you’ve tested it enough to know it’s good — don’t let doubt distract you from the important questions: (Do We, or do We not, want fries with that?)

Glaze or frosting? (Yes, please.)

Pink sprinkles or coconut shavings?  (Clearly, it’s audience participation time.  Because, when they’re THIS easy, the highly-trained professionals just sit back.  Okay, here We go: sexual innuendoes involving “coconut shaving”: BEGIN!)

Keeping your social calendar organized is a challenge today, but at least it’s fun! (You say “fun”, We say “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder”.  Let’s call the whole thing awful.)

For the best results, bump up anything involving lots of new places and new faces! (And flying aces with suitcases at twenty paces!  And exclamation points for no reason! And Justin Bieber’s vagina!)

*****************************************************************************    

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.