So kiss me goodbye…honey, I’m gonna make it out alive

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Just Another Matlock Monday, February 27, 2012.

Andy Griffith…dead or alive?  We have no idea. (Still alive and eighty-five.  We just Googled him on Wikipedia.  Because that’s the kind of full-service information hooker We are here at Erix Daily WhoreOScope.)

Like you care.

So, it has come to this.

We should warn you, We did not watch so much as thirty seconds of the Gay SuperBowl last night, so if you came here this morning expecting pithy commentary on Angelina’s anorexia or Animatronic Billy Crystal, you are about to be sorely disappointed.

Has anyone ever actually said “pithy” and not thought “pissy with a lisp”?

“Pissy Withalisp” was, of course, the original name for Butterfly McQueen’s character in Gone With The Wind. (We didn’t want you to be TOO disappointed about the absence of movie coverage this morning.)

So, it has come to this.

We have just taken a call wherein We learned that We shall go to Lindenwold, New Jersey later this week and earn a hundred dollars.  We are just like a cheap hooker.  (Without the sex.  But then, you knew that.  We’re pretty sure that, whenever you think of Us (if you think of Us at all), it’s without the sex.)

Speaking of you, and you not thinking of Us, We should like to point out that the ever-so-mild winter that We have been having does not ameliorate (how’s that for a five-dollar word?   Give Us five dollars, dammit!) Our Seasonal Affective Disorder one iota, one whit, or one jot (you all did just sing that to the tune of “One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer”, did you not?), Seasonal Affective Disorder being associated with the absence of light as opposed to the presence of revolting winter weather.  Naturally, We are aware that We are in the home stretch of this year’s SAD, but that doesn’t help much when We it occurs to Us, as it did this weekend, that…you know what, never mind.

So, it has come to this.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  We would blame that on the presence of The Bieber, except that the same is true of all of Our other TotMH videos.

Meanwhile, like a phoenix from the ashes of this cruel misuse comes this thought: what exactly would a movie script entitled Blame It On The Bieber  entail? (Our creative juices are now flowing; We hope We didn’t get any on ya.)

And now, Charlene Tilton sings “So It Has Come To This”.   Which is, of course, the sequel to the Peggy Lee classic, “Is That All There Is?”   And which, conversely, has absolutely nothing to do with “I Am Hennery The Eighth, I Am”.  (Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.  I got married to the widow next door; she’d been married seven times before.  And every one was a Hennery (Hennery!); there never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam!) .  I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery.  Hennery the eighth I am, I am.  Hennery the eighth I am. (Second verse, same as the first… (Oh…is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Stick to whatever you’re doing today (Johnny Depp?)

 

— it’s important that you show that you can persevere even in the face of certain failure. (If the failure is certain, wouldn’t you wanna start persevering in the other direction?  Just sayin’.)

 

Someone is watching, (No.  No, they’re not.)

 

and they need to see persistence and optimism.  (Well, then, We’re afraid they’re going to be severely disappointed. )

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

 After a few weeks of turbulence, (No need for nervousness…it’s just a little turbulence.)

 

(Thank you, Kelli, for reminding Us of the Snakes on a Plane theme song (speaking of famous fillums), truly one of Our favorite songs of the past decade.  We shall be downloading it forthwith.)

 

one of your friendships has reached a lovely cruising altitude, lately. (Is it just Us, or does that sound vaguely dirty?  Care to clue Us in as to which of Our friends We’re about to be vaguely dirty with?)

 

You two are moving into a very nice phase. (Are you looking at Our moon?  ‘Cause We’re looking at Uranus.)

 

Having conversation is easy, and you’re communicating so well together that you can almost read each other’s minds. (You are beginning to frighten Us.)

 

Celebrate this situation together with a night out on the town, or a special dinner out. (Mmmm…dinner.)

 

You can go on a date with a friend — after all, isn’t a date just a time you schedule to spend exclusively with someone you like?  (How the hell would We know?  We haven’t been on one since the Clinton administration.)

 

So, it has come to this.

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I’m feeling transcendental…am I here?

Greetings, Earth’s Revolution Inspired Che---


(Edited to add: this would not be so tardy this morning, but apparently Windows™ took it upon itself to “improve” something on Our computer during the night , and it took Us a while to realize that said “improvement” was the source of the sluggishness and general computerial malaise. We have now eliminated the “improvement” and are continuing apace. Fu(k you, Windows™.)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, January 19, 2010 (Before you even ask, We have no idea where We got today’s pixture, or what made Us preserve it amongst Our files. But We thought you would enjoy it today, as you are busy taking down the Martin Luther King Day tree. For those who enjoyed yesterday’s pixture, that came from here http://www.smashingapps.com/2010/01/17/40-stunning-examples-of-high-speed-photography.html , courtesy of Our lovely and talented Kevin.):


(Meanwhile, if you are a resident of Massachusetts, please go and vote in today’s special election and keep That Freak out of the senate. (Are We the only one who envisions teabagging when We hear about these people?)

(The video is a clip from John Waters' Pecker. If you imagine that that's safe for work, then g0d bless both you and your imagination. (Well, there was going to be a video clip up there of teabagging. Apparently there are technical difficulties, and We don't have time to be @rsed.))

As an extra added attraction, a little birdie (if, by “little birdie”, you mean “SitOnMyFaceBook”) told Us that, if you happen to be registered to vote in Salem, you may actually witness Our lovely and talented Kevin and Our equally lovely and talented Gregory G0DD@MN! G. voting together. We’re pretty sure We just gave birth to a cute cuddly puppy just thinking about it. (Or something cute and cuddly happened in Our Depends™…We’re trying to type with two hands like a Highly-Trained Professional, so We can’t exactly check just now. (Sure does smell like a puppy, though.)))


(In other news, apparently Our scathing review of Humpday yesterday prevented Our Sistah Ovella from Netflixing same. And that is just the sort of public service We aim to provide here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope. Saving all y’all time and money, one Gentle Reader at a time. (Is it just Us, or does “Netflixing” sound like something out of a World War II movie? Or possibly Hogan’s Heroes:


Colonel Klink: Sergeant Schultz, ze general vill be here at any moment. Have you finished Netflixing ze prisoners?


Sergeant Schultz: I know nussing.


Why We don’t write for television, We’ll never know.))


You're due some good times (Good times and bum times, I’ve seen ‘em all and, my dear, I’m still queer.)


and some good news in the relationships departments (Wait…there’s a whole department for that?!? Where’s Our pink slip? <…Donald Trump…>You’re fired!<.../...Donald Trump...>)


(You’re picturing Us in a pink slip now, aren’t you? It’s a shame We had no warning, or We’d’ve shaved Our legs.)


and it shouldn't be too far away now. (Far is relative. It is also, if you don’t pronounce your Rs properly, a long, long way to go. And, if you’re an Englishwoman playing a German (Austrian?) woman who should be speaking/singing in German (Austrian?), pronouncing your Rs properly is the least of your worries. (Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that that movie (The Sound Of Muzak, for the dimwitted amongst you) would be vastly improved by a few appearances of Colonel Klink and Sergeant Schultz. The h3ll with television, We wanna write for da MOVIES! ))


For some it's going to be romantic news, of course. (Oh, “of course”. Don’t’cha hate people who say “of course” as though that makes whatever idiocy they’ve just spouted the gospel truth. “And then, a battalion of winged monkeys flew out of my @ss playing The Star-Spangled Banner on the bassoon, of course.” Shaddup. Of course.)


You know who you are! (Also, We know who you are, and We saw what you did. Of course.)


For others, it could be good news connected to a friend or a work contact. (A horse is a horse. Of course, of course.)


(WI-I-I-I-I-I-I-ILLLBURRRR!!!!)


Work in particular is looking very promising (Well, We promise to work eventually.)


at the moment as Venus heads for a link to Saturn. (And yet, not a single mention of Uranus. Hmmm…)


If you need to firm up any working relationships, now is a very good time to do it. (Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you read, you begin with Kenny G; when you sing, you begin with Peggy Lee.)


(What?)


Mercury is no longer going backwards so what's agreed to now is more likely to stick. (To Uranus?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes. Of course.


http://www.humorscope.com



the hills are alive with the sound of cowgrass…)