Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, he jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July 23^nd , 2014.

There is SO much going on today, We may piddle Ourselves in Our efforts to report it all…

First and Formosa, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo (We don’t seem to know anyone whose birthday is actually today, but, if you do, why’n’tcha surprise them by dropping the aforementioned link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page?)

Seconal, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz inform Us that today is Batman Day, and that The Caped Crusader is seventy-five today (now THERE’S a pair of purple leotards that nobody needs to be thinking about (whaddaya mean, he’s not WEARING any purple leotards?)).

(We are aware that We said earlier that We don’t know anyone whose birthday is today…this is quite true, as We do not know Batman personally.  (Also, if We had been forced to guess, We would have imagined Batman as a Scorpio, but that’s neither here nor Barbara McNair.))

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), and apropos of nothing, a local emporium of Foofie Things That No One Actually Needs now appears to be selling soap that smells like cilantro.  Welcome to The Department Of Redundancy Department.)

Thurston Howell The Thirdly, it is Daniel Radcliffe’s birthday.  Sigh.

And now for something completely different, We are going to plug something (oh, get your mind out of the gutter) that has nothing to do with Us Our Own Self Personally:

Long-time Gentle Readers Who Actually READ (as opposed, naturally, to Long-time Naked Skimmers Who Nakedly Skim (Many Of Whom We Have, Oddly Enough, Seen Naked, Although Not Necessarily While Skimming)), will recall Us waxing rhapsodic (insert “waxing the carrot” joke here) over a theatre company called Tribe of Fools, and their Fringe Festival productions of such original works as Heavy Metal Dance Fag and last year’s Anti-Hero.

In addition to being funny and insightful, their works are so physically-based and chock-full of acrobatics, gymnastics, orthopedics, and chiropractics that We cannot even bestir Ourself to be jealous when We see them.  In fact, if We are ever suicidal, We shall beg to be cast in a Tribe of Fools show, and will certainly be dead five minutes into the first warm-up.

For this year’s upcoming Fringe Festival, this wacky, zany, madcap collection of non-possessors of body fat is constructing an entertainment extravaganza entitled Two Street, which purports to be a gay retelling of Romeo and Juliet (Romeo and Romeo, if you will (or even if you won’t…since when is it all about YOU?)) set amidst two rival groups of Mummers.

(We have no idea how they’re going to work their signature dancing/acrobatics/gymnastics/contortionatics into this, as We’ve never seen a Mummer sober enough to do anything but weave down Two Street and shake an occasional tailfeather, but presumably they’re taking some sort of poetic license…)

In keeping with today’s “Leaping Into Leo” theme, one of the leads (Romeo?  (Or maybe Romeo?)) is a lovely Leo (aren’t they all?) whose work We have been privileged to see in previous Tribe of Fools productions. (This is certainly not to slight the OTHER lead (Romeo?  (Or maybe Romeo?)), who is also lovely, but NOT a Leo, and, consequently, not thematically apt.)

And why, you ask (oh, yes, you do…We hear you (We also see you when you’re sleeping…party with THAT thought)), are We telling you all this?  

Because you are just about to run not walk to the upcoming link and donate money to the Tribe of Fools indiegogo to aid then in their efforts to produce the aforementioned extravaganza (go, ahead, We’ll wait): 

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street

You’re back?  Good…We hope you were generous.  As a special reward, here is a link to the Tribe of Fools’ Fearless Leader’s blog:

http://whatbrosknows.blogspot.com/

Meanwhile, back to a subject near and dear to Our heart: Us.

Since We last e-pisstled on you (and your leg, and told you it was raining), We have written two complete sketches for the upcoming WaitStaff show, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed! And We still have more to write, so here are today’s blatherings from AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, sans commentary:

Things are moving more quickly today — and you’re right in the thick of it all! Your great energy should help you motivate people and get folks to do whatever they ought to be doing.  No one ever accused you of being shy, unwilling to speak your mind or let everyone nearby know exactly how you arrived at the opinions you express. You’re showing the world how it’s done right now, but, as usual, you’re doing it so charmingly that not only does no one mind, they’re actually gathered around, wishing they had more time.  Your insightful take on the ways of love could be in demand today when a friend asks for relationship advice. Take this request for guidance seriously. Your perception could end up saving a love affair.

 

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Pecker little talk a little

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October Elebbenf, 2013.

We are coming to you today with an abbreviated e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! because We didn’t want to be accused of failing to wish all of Our Big Ol’ Gay Ho-Ma-Sechsual Readers a Happy National Coming Out Day.

Just for the record, We’re gay.

You’re shocked, We know.  Mainly because We said “record” instead of “8-track tape”.  If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be in the parlor, cranking up the Victrola.

No, “cranking up the Victrola” is NOT a euphemism.  Slut.

We are tardy-to-the-party because We were out earning Our daily bread at a focus group.  Where the moderator, Thomas (NOT “Tom” (how gay izzat?)) was GORGEOUS.  With a capital GORGE.  And that starts with G and that rhymes with P and that stands for PENIS.

Meanwhile, from The If It Weren’t (Subjunctively) For Bad Luck, We’d Have No Lucky Charms™ Department, it has, of course, been Picture Allen And Kevin Naked Week all week here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  (It is also, apparently, The Music Man Week, but that’s neither here nor Cher nor Barbara McNair.)  So what do We learn just yesterday, but that Allen (and his nakedness) have been in hospital, undergoing surgery.  So get well soon, Allen.

Now, mind you, when We were picturing Allen naked, there were no scalpels or other sharp objects in the vicinity.  In fact, all of the instruments in said viZZZualization were blunt.  Much like Our Own Self.  And the only way these blunt instruments could be construed as weapons of any kind would be in the fact that they have been known to go off when One is cleaning them…

Oh, who didn’t see THAT coming (heh)?

In other news, special thanks to Peter, who quoted Our birthday wishes to him yesterday on his SitOnMyFaceBook page.  We do not recall having ever been quoted before.  At least not in print.  (We know We’ve got you all saying “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad” at the drop of a hat, but We’re pretty sure you’re not writing it down.)  We are thinking We shall have to make next week Picture Peter Naked Week.  But We shall probably call it Picture Peter’s Peter Week.

(This would be where We would insert a really long joke crossing PeterPeterPumpkinEater with Peter Piper Who Picked A Peck Of Speckled Peckers.  Lettuce work on that over the weekend and get back to you.)

Special thanks also to Josh, who has once again been the sole press person to plug Us.  (Did that sound unseemly to you?  Because it sounded unseemly to Us, and We knew what We were talking about.  (For a change.)) 

We MEANT, of course, plug Our SHOW.  See him do that, and plug a few other folks as well, here:  http://www.phillymag.com/g-philly/2013/10/11/weekend-roundup-gay-day-zoo-philly-trans-march-outfest/#more-1684071 (Is it just Us, or does the penguin look like Matthew Broderick?))

What show, you ask?  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  Getcher tickets here:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

Cocktails will be served, and you can picture Kevin and Allen naked the whole time. And Peter.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In honor of National Coming Out Day, gay celebrity birthdays today include Matt Bomer and Eleanor Roosevelt.

In the interests of timeliness, in lieu of AssHatt Kelli’s e-ructations, today We shall print out your Your-O-Scopes, for those of you who are too lazy to click the link.

You’re welcome.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your perfume or cologne has too much patchouli. Only an idiot wears patchouli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

The animals, the animals, let’s talk dirty to the animals! Fu(k you, Mister Bunny!

                                        

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, March 30, 2011.  Happy birthday to Aileen, who turns twenty-four today, and also to Mark, who also also turns twenty-four today.  Funny how that works.  It occurs to Us that We know ALMOST enough twenty-four –year-olds, including Us Our Own Self Personally, to take over the world.  But, having seen the world recently, We are smart enough not to bovver.

You may have noticed that We did not publish an installment of Erix Daily Horoscope yesterday.  (More likely, you skipped blithely through your day without giving Us a second thought, but We are giving you the petit four of the gout, you blithe day skipper you.)  We started to, We had picked a pixture (and also a peck of pickled peckers) but then We decided We couldn’t be arsed. A fit of ennui overcame Us, as fits of ennui are wont to do. (Lawdy, it sho’ am poetical in here this mawnin’.  We feel JUST like Emily Dickinson.  (Well, We feel like SOMEBODY’S dick in SOMEBODY’S son, but that’s neither here nor Barbara McNair.))

But today We’re back, from outer space, We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.  Oh, you ALWAYS look like that?  How sad for YOU.  And, lest We forget, Happy Hump Day!  May your humps be Mary and bright, and may all your humptresses be white.  (Now that We see it in black and white, as it (subjunctively) were, that song is a little bit racist, no?)

Wow, now We’re REALLY clutching at straws.  (Actually, We’re clutching Our pearls and clutching Our clutch purse, but clutching at straws is so much more litter-airy.  Especially when there’s a big ol’ line of cocaine at the end of the straw.  (Ooops…was that the outside voice?))

Is “clutching Our clutch purse” redundant?  And how odd does “clutch” look when you see it over and over again?

Don’t forget to make your reservations to laugh at Himself and his little friends on April Fool’s Day:  http://thewineroom.com/wineroom.cfm?t=main&p=main  .  We hear there’s All The Wine You Can Drink.  And trust Us, We’ve SEEN YouPeople drink.  Also, We hear that, in the spirit of April Fool’s Day, The Universe is planning to throw a big snowstorm in Our honor.  So there’s that.  Fu(king Universe.

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. (We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.)):

And so, without Maya Angelou:

Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror.
Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!

(Before Our Favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) begins ass(tromalogically) ho(roscopulating) (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We even knew what We were talking about),  We would like to point out that at no point during today’s ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations) does herself point out that later today, We will be entering Mercury Retrograde.  Nor does she ever reveal what  Mercury Retrograde would translate to in Fahrenheit.  Ass hat.)

Today is a reflection of the past, (Misty water-colored memories of the way We were…(Please understand that you were supposed to hear that, not as performed by Barbra Streisand, but as performed by Gilda Radner as Lisa Loopner.  It will, consequently, be so funny you forget to laugh.))

but that doesn’t mean you’re trapped in a loop. (How can you tell it’s an endless loop…endless loop…endless loop….endless loopner…?)

If you don’t like where you are, (What’s not to like?  We’re in OurHovelWhereWeLive, wearing Our housecoat and Our bunny slippers, banging this keyboard like an old screen door while We sip coffee and eat bonbons.  Himself is snoring away in his bed while visions of sugarplums dance in his head, and who taught all those sugarplums to dance like that anyway?  It’s like the finale of fu(king A Chorus Line , but with sugarplums.  Jeebus.)

perform acts of kindness to improve your karmic balance. (If you’re REALLY kind to Us, later on We’ll show you Our karmic chameleon.)

Things should pick up soon!  (That’s right, Kelli!  Because, as soon as you put an exclamation point after a statement, it automatically makes it true! Instantly, emphatically true! And so, as god is Our witness, it must follow as the night the day, you!  Are! An Asshat!)

 Paying attention (We are too poor to pay attention.)

 to your most intriguing inner visions is crucial right now. (“Crucial” is for old fuddy-duddies. Us modern types say “clutch”.)

(Fuddy-Duddy was a bear.

Fuddy-Duddy had no hair.

‘Cause Fuddy-Duddy used some Nair™,

‘Specially on his derrière.)

(We feel another children’s book coming on.)

(Speaking of children’s books, in all seriousness, We would very much like to find an illustrator and self-publish Little Miss Prisspot.  Anybody?  Beuller?)

You have dreams, goals and ideas that deserve to be pulled into the real world — (We could really do without the giving birth metaphor…We don’t need your grabby hands up Our cooter, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

 people should know about what you are seeing when you close your eyes. (Eyelids, mostly.  What’s your point?)

Draw, paint, sketch, write down or even just describe what it is that you want. (See, We’re pretty sure that, if you draw your own winning PowerBall™ ticket, it doesn’t actually win.  Also, you get arrested.  For, ya know, fraud.  And for being poetic without a poetic license. And stuff like that there.)

Someone you talk to today can help you make it a reality (Oh, sure.  But can they help Us make it a reality TELEVISION SHOW?)

— and help you enter a new phase.  (See, now you’re sitting there thinking about Our moon.  And We feel very, very sorry for you.)

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. (In that case, you might as well just crown Us queen right this very minute.)

Today you’re feeling frustrated (It is, after all, a day ending in Y.)

and possibly unable to get anything accomplished. (Alternatively, the period could go after “anything” and the sentiment would be the same.)

Don’t fight it (“It” being, of course, “da funk”.)

(Get. Down…Boogie-Oogie-Oogie.)

— just make it a lazy day and let yourself just chill. (Chillin’ like Bob Dylan, yo.)

(We have no idea.  Just move on.)

Tonight, make a date with a favorite movie and some ice cream. (Ah, the old ménage a trois with Ben and Jerry.  And their new flavor, Hershey Highway.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

*****************************************************************************    

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.