If I were (subjunctively) a bitch, man…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 27^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Nathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.   Additionally, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Deb, who turns twenty-four today in Annapolis.  Or, as We prefer to call it, AnnaPolis, which is pronounced like a cross between Anatevka and Anna Rexia (look at your bracelet, Anna!)

Fiddler on the Roof…now THERE’S a musical that, if We ever see it again, it’ll be too soon.

In other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! devotees who also follow Our antics on SitOnMyFaceBook were probably baffled by a recent several-week period during which Our page seemingly updated itself every fifteen seconds with some alleged activity of Ours in a game called Criminal Case. We had indeed fallen down this particular rabbit hole of time mismanagement, and, last weekend, We were compelled to cut the cord cold turkey. So, to Charly, Lindsay, Blaine, Paul, Noah, and anyone else who was incommoded by Our sudden departure from said crack addiction…er, game, Our apologies.

(One wonders why “incommoded” doesn’t mean “having One’s commode taken away”.  Then One wonders why there would be a word for such a thing.)

Also, Happy Vigesimo Septimo de Mayo to everybody else.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lady Bird Johnson.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Lady Bird Johnson as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: 

http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Happy Celebrity Birthday to Chris Colfer…We would still do him, and We don’t care what anybody says.

You feel extra-social today, (Indeed…it’s like a disease.)

and you should find that others feel the same way (Except that they so rarely let Us feel them…)

— at least when you’re around. (How the hell could We feel people when We’re not around?)

You should be able to make some progress in an area that had once seemed totally impossible.  (So a plain yellow pumpkin CAN become a golden carriage?)

Part of you wants nothing more than to keep quiet about what you’re feeling, (Damn shame that part is not Our mouth, innit?)

especially if it’s a touchy subject. (What if it’s a touchy-FEELY subject?  THEN WHAT?)

But a much more insistent part of you — the rebellious part who wants to challenge the world with the news — that part of you just won’t have it. (She’s just afraid to say it…dunno why: duodenum.)

You’re currently doing internal battle. (We would tell about thirty-eight fart jokes in a row right here, but who can be arsed?)

While neither side has officially won, you know who to bet on — and it’s not the side of you that wants to be nice.  (How many sides are there?)

From the morning through sometime this afternoon, you’re all that and more. (Is there a bag of chips involved?  Because, mmmmm…chips.)

Tonight, though, less is more — say it with a smile. (Alternatively, say it with a simile.  (A simile is like a metaphor. (Also, a pretty girl?  Is like a manatee.  (No idea why.))))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It’s just a jump to the left

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  SayerDee, December 8, 2012.  Happy Hanukkah to Chaka Khan and her friends, Happy Feast Of The Immaculate Contraption to McDonna and her immaculate contraption-feasting friends (also, eeeuuuwww), Happy Birthday to Aaron, who turns twenty-four today, and also Happy Birthday to Bryan, who also turns twenty-four today, and Happy Birthday to Ian Somerhalder, who is gorgeous, and Happy Birthday to Flip Wilson, who is dead.

Our ass is pooped, and We have Things To Do.  This blogging-every-day crap is for Lady Bird Johnson.  So as soon as We do a little housekeeping (blog-wise), We will be treating you to A Very Special Encore Presentation of last year’s Pearl Harbor Day blog.

Here, in case you missed it yesterday, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:

http://www.annenbergcenter.org/tickets/?id=265#

Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

That awkward moment when a guy asks me if I'm currently seeing anyone.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Mom sent me to the corner store to get milk. I get back 4 days later with a carton of orange juice. FML.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Beethoven was deaf. So fuck all y'all.

And now, climb into the Way-Back Machine with Us as We revisit Pearl Harbor Day 2011:

Pearl’s a singer; she stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub

(Hmmm, We said (in 2012)…where have We heard THAT recently?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, December 7, 2011.  Why, it seems like only yesterday (because it was) that We were making pearl necklace jokes, and suddenly here it is Pearl Bailey Day.  Tyne Daly fries when you slap her son.  Seventy years ago today, a Chinese food delivery went horribly wrong, and everybody was hungry again a half an hour later.  It was a day that will limp in infancy; it was the best of times, it was the Sunday Times; Jimmy craps corn, it’s in your hair.

Hey, what do you want from Us?  We have just finished writing the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Capricorn edition.  And, as Our director/auteur/cinematographer/visionary/cameraman/muse is his own self a Capricorn, it promises to be extra special.  Or extra crispy.  Or something.  Please don’t strain yourself pretending to care, though; it’s not like you’ve broken your neck to watch this:

Or to share it with others:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

And now, nice weather We’re under, no?  Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your hard work is finally starting to pay off, so kick back and see if you can get your people to celebrate with you. (We do hope that, eventually, We meet these “people” that We allegedly have, if only to chastise them for their constant inactivity on Our behalf.  To say nothing of Our bewhole.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

It’s one of those days (Innit though?)

when your energy is better spent doing something new.  (Or something nude.  If only We weren’t writing Our fingers to the bone by day, and rehearsing Our boners to the finger by night, all to amuse YouPeople.  And do you share Our videos?  Do you buy Our tickets?  Do you tote Our barges, or lift Christian Bale?)

If at first you don’t succeed — well, you know the drill. (We’re pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes.)

But keep in mind that although this saying is trite, it’s absolutely true. (That’s why they sometimes say things are “trite but true”. (They also, although less frequently, say “this tutu’s tight”.  (Because ev’ry-thing…is bul-em-ic… at the ballet.)))

(If you are now singing that last bit in your head?  You are gay.  And not just a little bit gay, neither.  You are as gay as Paul Lynde in a pink feather boa fistf**king Charles Nelson Reilly in a lavender chiffon evening gown while Liberace’s poodle throws pansy petals at them.  At the opera.)

Perseverance is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. (Semi-automatic weapons are good, too.)

Ending a journey when you’re only halfway through is merely a waste of time. (Might as well just stay home, eh?)

You might have to wait longer than you want for results, but there is no way to rush destiny. (Although you might be able to rush Destiny’s Child.)

(That was a little pop culture reference, to prove that We have Our finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture.  And Moms Mabley.)

 You have to keep moving toward it, (And what was “it”, again?)

even if it turns out to be farther away than you thought.  (Well, if it’s that far off, don’t even tell Us what it is till We get there.  We’ve had enough disappointment to last a Lifetime TV Movie.)

Enthusiasm and passion are among your most fabulous traits, and now you can exercise them to their full extent.  (It is unclear whose horoscope this has suddenly become, but We’re pretty sure We’re not in Kansas any more.)

Unleash those powers of persuasion on whoever’s caught your eye. (Insert one-eyed hooker joke here.)

(Here endeth the blast from the past.  Stay tuned for another one tomorrow, as We will be in church.  (Hey, they’re new to the Holidailies™ people.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Katmandu….that’s really, really where I’m going to.

                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurston Howell the Thursday, June 30, 2011.  Happy birthday (We think) to Willam, who turns twenty-four today.  And, to the rest of you, Happy Another Half A Year Shot To Hell.

We do so love to spread good cheer.

We attempted to wish you all a Happy Hump Day yesterday, but We were overcome with a fit of ennui.  Meanwhile, Happy Over The Hump Day doesn’t seem at all the same thing.

To the extent that anything can fascinate Us this morning, We are fascinated by exactly how someone got referred to these pages from the site of the 2011 Rugby World Cup Store.  (And no, We’re not making that up; a little GoogleBird told Us. (We’re SAYING “GoogleBird”, but We’re THINKING “DickyBird”, and, consequently, We’re having impure thoughts. (We just attempted to GoogleBird “DickyBird” on WikiBird, with most unsatisfactory results.  Although Lady Bird Johnson is still dead.)))

You just know your day is gonna be total crap when the Celebrity Of The Day is Lady Bird Johnson.

Should We even waste the oxygen required to mention that Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ?  Yeah, We didn’t think so.

Perhaps We should start the HorrorScope.  Not that it will matter.

You can get more done than you think today (Well, since We are imagining accomplishing exactly nothing, that is probably true.)

— all those obstacles and distractions are illusory, (Yeah, it’s not like anyone returns Our phone calls or anything.)


or at least less potent than they appear at first. (So, wait…impotent people are going  to distract Us?  Greeeeaaattt.)


Abandon all fear (Except for fear itself.)


and move ahead quickly.  (Alternatively, bang the drum slowly.)


(No, We have no idea.)


It’s all about strutting your very hot stuff right now (Oh, please.)

— your strength is bigger than ever and growing!  (We haven’t showered yet.  Give Us a break.)


Make sure nobody ignores you today. (And how exactly would you suggest We do THAT?)


Put on your boldest outfit, laugh your loudest laugh and flash your brightest smile. (In other words, forget to take Our lithium.)


Do whatever it takes to stand out from the crowd and make a jaw-dropping impact. (That sounds like a lot of work.)


People are looking in your direction (Gawd help them.)


and wondering who you are (And, more to the point, who We THINK We are.)


and what you’re all about. (We are all about the Hokey-Pokey.  That’s what it’s ALL about.)


Keep them guessing, (Just like Arlene Francis.)


(Dear Lord Jeebus, Arlene Francis AND Lady Bird Johnson?!?  We might as well just go directly back to bed.)


and you’ll keep getting noticed. (But will We get nudists?)


 You are feeling the urge to clean house (Oh.  We thought that was gas.)


— on many levels!  (We have two floors. We can only clean on one at a time.  And of all the things We SHOULD be accomplishing today but aren’t, that’s at the top of the list.  Or at the bottom.  Depending on how it’s ordered.  (We are so confused now.))


Spend extra time tidying up your living space, but when you’re all done, think about cleaning out some old emotional baggage, as well.  (Ah, yes, Our emotional hatboxes, Our emotional steamer trunks, Our emotional portmanteaux. Catch a fox and put him in a box and never shag a ho.)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.