To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo, to Huevos Rancheros and Maya Angelou

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhatWouldBeHumpDayIfThisWeekHadAHumpButIt’sAFourDayWeekSoItHasNoHumpSoThisWeekIsHumplessJustLikeWeAreEVERYWeekHaHaHa, May 28^rd , 2014.

Also, Happy Vigesimo Octavo de Mayo to everybody.

So, for something new and different, it’s raining.  Merde, il pleut.

It is so fucking multicultural up in this place, it’s like the goddamn United Nations.  We habla Espaniol, We parlez-vous Francais, why, We’d probably speak Esquimaux if somebody would cart all this whale blubber out of here.  All in the interests of improving the abilities of Our Gentle Readers who are still in grade school to speak in tongues.

Hey, everybody’s gotta grow up sometime.

Jeebus Cripes, it’s pleuting goddamn cats and dogs out there.  Or, as they would say in Frawnch, “il pleut  la cuisine chinoise”.  (That there was a little joke for Our Sistah Ovella.  (Hi, Ovella!))

So Maya Angelou died.  Ordinarily, We would not address celebrity death within these e-pisstles, as it does not fit in with Our Mission Statement of (A.) making YouPeople feel better by comparison (although you do presumably feel better than Maya Angelou at the moment…hmmm…) and (2.) keeping a journalistic chronicle of the tedious repetitive ennui that We pretend is Our life.  So, unless Maya Angelou died during a dinner party at Our house, We should presumably keep Our yap shut on the subject.

However.

Regular Gentle Readers who are NOT naked skimmers will be aware that Ms. Angelou has been frequently cited within these hallowed pages.  Mainly because her name rhymes with stuff, like “Pixture du jour au jus”, “Gerard Depardieu”, and “Marilyn McCoo”. 

Which is exceedingly considerate of a poet to do.

At least as far as We’re concerned…you too?

(We may need an exorcist up in here…the direction that Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! could take if We are indeed possessed by the spirit of Maya Angelou is too horrifying to contemplate…)

Are We doing this joke too soon?

Perhaps We should wait till June…

(Stop it, Maya!)

In other news, warm kisses on your opening to OurMikeDoh, who opens tonight in InCaseOfFirePleaseBreakGlass at the Arden.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Linda Lovelace.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Linda Lovelace as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Gladys Knight is seventy today.  No word on how old her pips are.

(That sounds way dirtier now that We’ve typed it out than it sounded in Our head.)

Try not to dive too deeply into any emotional business today — you’ve got to keep things on surface-level as much as you can.  (Good thing We’re so shallow then, innit?)

Your energy is best spent on mundane activities anyway.  (Oh, Our energy is spent, alright.  But shouldn’t today’s activities be wednesdane?)

(All together now:  GROOOOAAANNNNN!!!!)

You’re quite fiery, (We had Chinese food for lunch.)

(We didn’t, really, but fart jokes are funny.  Especially implied fart jokes that don’t use the word “fart”.  The only thing funnier than an implied fart joke that doesn’t use the word “fart” is an implied fart joke that doesn’t use the word “fart” that you have to EXPLAIN.  Let Us tell you why…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

especially when it’s time to speak your mind  (Now THAT’LL be a short sentence.)

— or ask for answers you know you deserve. (We deserve so many things…)

You’ve never been shy about asking those questions, either, even if they’re not polite (Unfortunately, it is difficult to get questions answered when One is talking to Oneself.)

Now that you’ve got a hot topic on your mind and you know there’s no other way to solve it than to ask around, you’re more than willing to risk tarnishing your reputation a little to get the answers you’re after.  (Hot Topic is not punk rock.)

(That there was a little musical interlude.  Because We have that power.)

 If you feel like the last kid picked for the kickball team, you’re right on track. (We would play kickball if it actually involved kicking people in the balls.)

Don’t take it personally,  though.  (Fuck you.  Bee-Yotch.)

It isn’t about ability or popularity, it’s more about availability. (Is it just Us, or does Kelli fling words about like a poo-flinging monkey that’s flinging poo?)

(Since when is there not a word such as “poo”?

Let’s ask Maya Angelou...

What about poo-poo platters?

Now there’s some poo that matters…)

(Stop it, Maya!)

(See how We came back to the Maya Angelou theme, AND referenced Chinese food?  We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do NOT attempt this at home.)

 If you’re not putting yourself front and center, it’s no wonder you’re light on invitations.  (What if Our backfield’s in motion?  THEN WHAT???)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Ev’rything about it is appealing

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Monday II: Return of the Monday: The Monday Strikes Back, March Elebbenf, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Christopher, who turns twenty-four today, all the way out in WeHo, El Lay. We have chosen today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Marilyn McCoo Pepe LePew in his honor.  Because that’s just how We roll.  You’re welcome.

Happy Birthday also to Becca, who most likely does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

We sincerely hope that the fact that We know people who are turning ages lower than twenty-four does not make any of Our twenty-four-year-old friends (of which We have, unaccountably, a legion bordering on a  plethora) feel old.

Fun Musical Theatre Trivia Fact: “A Legion Bordering On A Plethora” was the original title of the song “(I Love You) A Bushel And A Peck” from  Guys and Dolls.

How it is that We do not have Our Own television show, We have no idea.

Speaking of The Business That Is Show Which Is Unique In That There Is No Business That Is NOT Show That Is Even Remotely Akin To It (do We even need to tell you that they re-wrote that lyric at the express request of Ms. Ethel Merman?), We have not one, not two, but THREE business of show business proposals outstanding, and have heard not Peep One on any front.  Which would not be especially unusual, except that they are all outstanding with people We know.  There’s no people like show people who need people are the luckiest up, up, with people in Stop the World I Want To Get Off.

We should point out that We have only three more performances of Our current murder mystery, before it is replaced by Our new murder mystery.  Those dates are March 15, 28, and 29, so if you’re interested, lettuce know quick, fast, and in-a-hurry.  Also, the radio play will return with all-new episodes (they’re not e-pissodes, because they’re on the radio) on April 10.  Moron that story as it develops.

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  

Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

http://www.queerty.com/justin-biebers-penis-will-be-redacted-from-police-security-footage-sorry-everyone-20140305/

In keeping with today’s theme, novelist Douglas Adams’ birthday is also today.

And now, the HorrorScope:

You need an emotional outlet (WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  HOW DARE YOU!  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!!!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— and that doesn’t mean a punching bag!  (We were on the verge of making a ballsac joke here.  Then We started thinking…why not an ACTUAL punching bag that looks like a ballsac?   That could be a thing, right?  Lettuce just hop on over to KickStarter.,..)

(Okay, fine: “scrotum”.)

(Is it just Us, or is the word “scrotum” totally underused?)

Unless boxing is your preferred means of venting, (Or unless it’s Boxing Day.)

you need to find a non-aggressive method for handling all this.  (Is anyone else picturing Sylvester Stallone, in a gym, pounding away at a big ol’ scrotum?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

(This boxing thing We’ve hit (heh) upon is somewhat satisfying the overwhelming urges We are having this morning to punch any number of people in the face.  So there’s that.  (Perhaps later, We shall go run up the Art Museum steps.  (Or not.)))

 You didn’t choose your family like you did your friends, (If you use “pick” instead of “choose”, you could end that sentence with that “but you can’t pick your friend’s nose” joke.  (Which was, of course, the original lyric for “Pick A Little, Talk A Little” from The Music Man, replaced at the request of Robert Preston, who was a renowned boogerophobe.))

(Many of you Gentle Readers out there probably don’t even realize that boogerophobia is a thing.  This has been a Public Service Announcement.  You’re welcome.)

(Having already done a riff on scrotums (scrota?  scrotae?), We hesitate to do a “Pubic Service Announcement” joke.  (But only because We can’t think of one.))

but you still have a certain amount of responsibility when it comes to their well-being.  (Oh, was that sentence still going on?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Try to be as helpful as possible.  (Always.)

(Always™.  Have a happy period.)

Accept responsibility for your mistakes, (Oh, no…that would be wrong!)

admit when you’re wrong (See?)

and accept any apologies headed your way. (Fuck apologies…send cash.)

Taking the first step down the path of reconciliation isn’t as difficult as you think. (The second step, however, is, as They say, a floozy.  (Why do they say that?  And what does it mean?  Why does anybody listen to Them?))

Spend the morning focusing on your home life. (Wait…We have a life?)

When the domestic business is taken care of, you’ll still have lots of energy to go out and have some fun. (Mmm-hmmm…let’s just hold Our breath and wait for THAT to happen.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

Alternatively, these from the Onion:

Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a complete compromise based on a fear of dying alone.

• Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's-magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullit wasn't really a very good movie.
• Gemini You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a great wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
• Cancer You'll be plunged into a pit of depression by the thought that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
• Leo Raise your voice in anger and rail against the Gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
• Virgo Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
• Libra In The Hall Of The Mountain King is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
• Scorpio You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
• Sagittarius You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
• Capricorn You have to stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
• Aquarius They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that ten bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
• Pisces Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't know anyone saw you take it.

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.