Turn around, Bright Eyes…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, June 4^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Colin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Colin is one of the most beautiful people We have ever been privileged to encounter in real life.

What?  Not EVERYTHING is a joke.

Okay, here’s a joke:

Once upon a time I was falling in love,

Now I'm only falling apart.

There's nothing I can do;

I totally shit when I fart.‏

We have been meaning to Cher that with you for several days now, but apparently it was meant to age like fine wine first.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Bonnie Tyler.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Langston Hughes.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Langston Hughes as Yitzhak?  (As if you actually know what Langston Hughes looks like. (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Angelina Jolie’s birthday today.  Which is actually helpful.  Str8 boi readers, if you were (subjunctively) to see Angelina Jolie in real life?  That’s what seeing Colin is like.

Again, not everything is a joke.

Okay, so here come the ramblings of Kelli, AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…what’s the opposite of “extraordinaire”?

It’s easy for you to dream up new ideas today (Oh, We have no shortage of ideas!  Energy, ambition, finances…now THERE We have shortages.)

 — creativity is your best asset!  (On a related note, is a small ass an “assette”?  If so, what’s a large ass?)

(Who said “Jumbotron™”?)

Follow up anything that sounds good and see where you end up. (Is it wrong that We just started singing, “Follow the yellow prick’s load”?  Because if that’s wrong, We are apparently incapable of being right.)

You may need to coax someone who’s a bit timid.  (It’s not so much “rape” as it is “surprise sex”.)

You’ve been pushing hard, but take care that in the quest for success you don’t lose sight of what’s most precious to you.  (In the quest for success, wouldn’t said success be the most precious thing?  What the fuck are you talking about, Kelli?)

Are you planning to work again during your free time?  (No, but We ARE planning to twist again, like We did last summer.)

(AssHatt.)

An afternoon in the woods, (Someone told Us a story the other day (hi, Jonathan!) about getting lost in the woods.  It didn’t sound very amusing.  (The experience, not the story.  The story was amusing, because We didn’t have to actually BE in the woods.))

at an amusement park (Also unamusing?  Amusement parks.  AreWeRight?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “unamusing” is not a word.  So what IS the word, then?  Nonamusing?  Disamusing?  Kelli?)

or even just picnicking in the backyard can make an enormous difference in everyone’s spirits.  (Only if you bring plenty of spirits along.)

Today is a great one to do something spontaneous!  (Fine!  How’s four o’clock for you?  Can We schedule some spontaneity for four o’clock?)

Take the afternoon off for some fun in the sun, (If you’re gonna have “fun in the sun”, you need to take off more than the afternoon.  Just sayin’.)

 or plan an adventure with friends.  (Gene Hackman, Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine…)

Just don’t sit on the couch and let life pass you by. (Would that We could sit on Our assette.  Alas, We fear We have entered Jumbotron™ territory…)

Get involved!  (Not until you tell Us how to get exvolved when We’re done.)

Aries

Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.

Taurus

Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.

Gemini

The say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.

Cancer

You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.

Leo

Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.

Virgo

The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.

Libra

You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.

Scorpio

You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.

Sagittarius

Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."

Capricorn

This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.

Aquarius

While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.

Pisces

Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

All of them had hair of gold, from a bottle

  

(Heh.  Yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope subject line was “I’m too sexy for my shirt”, from, of course, one-hit-wonder Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Relax”.  Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour gentleman is clearly too sexy for A shirt.  What’re the odds?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Furzday, February Twenty-Forf.  (It’s not a speech impediment, Ducks, it’s an accent.) Happy birfday to the lovely and talented MizGerreGarrett, who turns twenty-four today.  Those of you who are unable to see her today to wish her a happy anniversary of her nativity should be hurrying on over to http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 to buy tickets to the WaitStaff’s World Café Live show on Sunday, where you are cordially invited to proffer your birthday felicitations following the performance.

We have absolutely nothing new to report.  It strikes Us that this is the first time in quite a while that We’ve actually issued an epistle every day of the week. (We just researched that…apparently, it struck Us incorrectly.  We issued epistles every day of the week that began with Monday, January 31.  (We would say that the mind is the first thing to go, but clearly Our ass started going long before this.  Started going ALL OVER THE PLACE, that is.)

One is now busily trying to work out a joke involving “issued epistles” and a lisp.  Cindy Brady is in there somewhere (and when did you ever imagine Susan Olsen gracing these pages?) “Cecil ceaselessly issued sequential specious epistles, successfully silencing seditious seashell sellers…if Moses supposes his toeses are roses, then Moses supposes erroneously…”

Not even Cindy Brady could save that joke.  Obviously, this is a job for Langston Hughes’s boner.

Before We get distracted by bright, shiny WorldWideInterWebNetz again, herewith, We lithped, the horothcope (thuffering thuccotash):

You have all kinds of great energy coming down today, (Not quite sure we understand the concept of “great energy” “coming down”, but soldiering on at any rate.)

and should be able to get almost anything started. (Oh, we have no problem getting any number of thing started.  It’s getting them finished that’s a sticky wicket. (Oh, look!  A wicket!  And it’s sticky!))

It’s one of those days (Aren’t they All?)

when you need to be busy pretty much every waking minute!  (Wait a minute…”waking minute”?  “Sticky wicket”?  Stick a pin in it, Golden Ticket…WEEEEE feel a song coming ONNNNNNN….)

(Sorry.)

Every once in a while, it’s okay to be entertained by the soap opera lives of others. (And if this bloody horoscope takes much longer, We’ll be missing The Young and the Rest Of Us.)

There are some particularly juicy real-life storylines going on around you, (Goodness!  We certainly hope We don’t get any on Us!)

and today you get an inside glimpse at a few details. (So is that “behind the scenes”, or “behind the obscenes”?)

But this emotional eavesdropping isn’t so much a gossip-fest as a cautionary tale. (Wow.  Is it just Us, or was that sentence absolutely FRAUGHT with meaning?  We may just have to pause and reflect for a moment.  That was ever so heavy, it’s practically deuterium.  (That was a little science joke, for Our nerd readers.  You’re welcome.))

(This just in, from The Sainted Mother: “I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.” (And YouPeople wonder where We get it from.))

Certain aspects of a situation ring a familiar note with your past, and this is an opportunity for you to see how taking a different path could affect your life.  (Well, you know what They say about the Road to Hell.  At least it’s paved.)

You can take almost anything that anyone else dishes out for now, (Wait…someone’s cooking for Us?!?  When does THAT ever happen?)

but someone new might require a gentler approach. (Can We get back to you on that?)

 Even if you’re only joking, try a little sugar (Screw that…try honey.  Sugar’s too grainy.  (oooops…sorry; what were We talking about?))

— like a sincere compliment. (No, Ducks, those jeans don’t make your ass look fat.  Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.)

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Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I’m too sexy for my shirt

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, February 23, 2011.  Sorry to get everyone in such a lather so early in the morning with such a HAWT Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Faberge Egg FooYung Guyz Wang Hung Lo Mein Street Stain Stays Mainly On De Plane Boss De Plane Who’s On Top Tonight Tattoo, but it is, after all, Hump Day, and We do, as ever, wish you all the happiest of humps. 

Speaking of pixtures, it occurred to Us that, while We reported yesterday on the subject of Justin Bieber’s barber’s butchery, We did not provide any corroboratorial pixturographic evidence.  So here:  http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Music/2011/0222/Justin-Bieber-cuts-his-hair-sending-legions-of-boys-to-the-barber .

The preceding paragraph is precedent-setting here at Erix Daily Horoscope for two reasons.  Number One: it is most assuredly the first-ever citing of The Christian Science Monitor as a reference in these particular epistles, and (B.) it employs the words “Justin Bieber” and “butch” in the very same sentence.

Oh, We know, We know; We can hear you all now, bleating, “Get off of Justin Bieber  already!”  And to both of you, We say, “Get off of him?  Why?  To give somebody else a chance? It IS Hump Day, after all.” (Now, no doubt, you’ll begin bleating about the underage thing.  Please.  The boy is turning seventeen on March 1^st.  Starzina says, if there’s grass on the field, play ball.  (We have no idea what that MEANS, but We surmise that it’s some sort of American sports metaphor.  From that game of yours, We’re pretty sure, that resembles cricket.)  Perhaps you are unaware of the upcoming remake of The Graduate, set to star none other than the aforementioned Mister Bieber and yours truly, Starzina Starfish-Browne.  “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Starfish-Browne?” (Zombie Anne Bancroft just clawed her way out of her grave, a fact which was only cosmically balanced out by the fact that Dustin Hoffman just dropped dead.)

Meanwhile, We trust that one or another of Our Gentle Readers will prod Us (heh) to remember to send Mister Bieber birthday wishes along with an installment of Erix Daily Horoscope on March 1^st.  KThxBye.

In other show business news, We had the opportunity to attend a recent WaitStaff rehearsal for their show this Sunday at World Café Live.  Now, while We have never found Himself the least bit funny, We are always amused by the antics of the WaitStaff, particularly the Real Housewives of South Philly (who will naturally be making an appearance).  However, on this occasion, We also had the opportunity to watch the performances of the WaitStaff’s Very Special Guests for the occasion, Mister Dave Terruso of the sketch comedy group Animosity Pierre, and Miss Jaylene Dulap, a singer-songwriter, and We are here to tell you, this is going to be one funny evening.  So go get your tickets NOW; We’ll wait right here:  http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 .

And now, the horoscope you’ve all been humping for.  Er, WAITING for.  Yeah, that’s it, waiting.

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that We have misspelled “Er”.  Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™.  Have a cookie.  And share one with the Bieber.)

An uncomfortable situation this morning — maybe a face-off  (We would imagine that One’s face coming off would be, at the very least, uncomfortable.)

— could escalate if you let it, but you are far better off just walking away. (Renee.)

It’s one of those days that rewards discretion and prudence.  (To say nothing of dyspepsia and prune juice.  You cannot IMAGINE how it rewards THEM.)

(Since We have been waxing poetic in a number of recent installments of Erix Daily Horoscope, We feel compelled to point out that Dyspepsia and Prune Juice is a lesser-known, unpublished sonnet by Percy Bysshe Shelley.  (Please note that We said “waxing poetic”, not “waxing poets”.  Elsewise, you shall spend the rest of the day pixturing Us behaving improperly with Langston Hughes’s boner.))

(Now, of course, no matter how many times We say, “try not to think about Langston Hughes’s boner”, you will be able to think about nothing else for the rest of the day.  SorryBoutEt.)

 It’s a common misconception (Well, what’s the good of that?  If it’s a COMMON misconception, that means that ANYONE could have it.  We shall be striving for an IMMACULATE misconception.)

 that in order to really know what’s going on, (We?  Haven’t had any idea what’s going on since 1986.)

 you have to be right in the middle of the action. (Mm-hmm.  One wonders if they will get Simon and Garfunkel to write the score for Our fillum.  “Now here’s to you, Mrs. Starfish-Browne, Jesus loves you more than you will know…whoa-whoa-whoa…”)

What really gives you accurate insight is an outsider’s perspective; (Conversely, then, it should follow, as the night the day, that what really gives you accurate outsight is an insider’s perspective.  Although what the fu(k is “outsight”, We haven’t got any idea. (Converse™ sneakers, the most important thing is, how does it look from MC Escher’s perspective?))

(Meanwhile, We just have to share with you this definition for “outsight” that We found when We Googled it on Wikipedia:

outsight, n: A statement believed by the person who utters it to be an important or profound insight, but which is in fact regarded by its audience as so obvious or elementary that it reveals the speaker as hopelessly ignorant or slow-witted, at least relative to the relevant group.

…is that the story of Our very life, or what?)

only then can you see things from all angles and understand the motivations behind everyone’s actions. (Well, clearly the only response to that is: Langston Hughes’s boner.)

So today, don’t push to be a part of the action. (Push, push, in the bush. (Aw, dammit, WHO just said “if there’s grass on Bieber’s field, play with his balls”?  Now We’re gonna have to mental floss…))

 Just ride things out  (STOP IT!)

and observe.

Next time you’ll be the only one who will really know how to handle things (G0D DAMMIT!!!)

— and you’ll be invaluable.

(Langston Hughes’s boner, Langston Hughes’s boner, Langston Hughes’s boner.  (Oh, shit…We sure hope that doesn’t work like “Beetlejuice”…))

(O hai, Langston Hughes’s boner….)

If you’ve got any romantic business  (Wait a minute…are We paying the Bieber, or is he paying Us?  (Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?  Joe-de-Joe has left and gone away…hey-hey-hey…hey-hey-hey…))

— especially communication tasks (Squirrelly synergistic zimblapp.)

— take care of it as early as you can today. (Hey, We’re getting this out before noon.  Cut Us some slack.  Or cut Us some slacks.  Whatevs.)

Later tonight, there’s some weird, somewhat uncomfortable energy on the move.  (Well, sure.  Zombie Anne Bancroft just tripped over Langston Hughes’s boner.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.