Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, June 6st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Birthday also to James, who does not
EVEN turn twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles,
and who, coinky-dinkally, is poised to gradumatate from The Hallowed Halls Of
Drexel this very weekend.
(Is it just Us, or does “The Hallowed Halls Of Drexel “ sound a lot
like “The Yellow Rose Of Texas”? (Ooops…is “The
Yellow Rose Of Texas” stuck in your head now? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))
Happy birthday also to Joe, who also turns
twenty-four today. In Delaware. Which, fortunately, doesn’t sound the least
bit like “The Yellow Rose Of Texas”.
Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Heather, who
turned twenty-four on Wednesday, after Our e-pissode went to print.
And Happy D-Day to the rest of you. D-Day: A Day That Will Live In Dinfamy. (Is
it just Us, or do slogans invented before the WorldWideInterWebNetz just not
make any sense?)
In other news, We are aware that many of Our
up-to-the-minute pop culture hipster readers have just begun watching Season 2
of Orange Is The New Black. We Our Own Self Personally are frequently
a little behind in Our pop culture followings (mainly because We like any
excuse for putting “Us” and “little behind” in the same sentence), so, upon the
recommendations of any number of Our nearest and dearest, as well as spurred on
by the general hype, We trundled Our recently-referred-to-as-“little” behind
down to Our video store and rented an eight-track tape of Season 1.
Now first off, lettuce just say that We are
only two episodes in, and We are certainly not going to judge so quickly (who,
Us?), especially with all the raves the thing has received. We are nothing if
not an ardent Jason Biggs fan, ever since his As the World Turns days, and hey, isn’t that that girl from That 70s Show?
That said, We just hope this doesn’t turn
into another Bridesmaids experience…everybody
loved THAT, too, and We tried to watch it…TWICE…and couldn’t last more than
twenty-minutes. (Which, to be fair, could have something to do with Our
loathing for That Fat Woman Who Thinks She’s Funny Because She’s Fat But Who
Totally Can’t Act.)
We should also point out that We have a
life-long aversion to the concept of incarceration, so this may just not be Our
cup of Janitor-In-A-Drum™. But We will
be soldiering on, presumably this very weekend, so We hope to have a positive
report on Monday.
Changing gears, here’s this: http://www.playbuzz.com/rachaelg/what-should-be-your-theme-song
(We Our Own Self Personally are “Born to
be Wild”.)
That said, We are working on a similar
SitOnMyFaceBook quiz of Our Own. It is
entitled “Which Moon of Uranus Are You?” Because We just found out that
Uranus? Has TWENTY-SEVEN moons. That’s a whole lotta crap flying around
Uranus. Just sayin’.
Other things We just found out (NOT involving
Uranus): Alanis Morissette? Has a twin brother named Wade. Alrighty, then.
Also this: http://zodiac-society.com/if-each-zodiac-sign-was-a-drug?v=b22kap654m2tbo4v6nA915N41wSBwk0fy&page=1
(It being Friday, We are letting the
subjunctive abuse slide.)
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with
bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival
of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Because apparently
it doesn’t matter what the fuck We say, as no one is paying any attention.))
(How many of you are now picturing Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp as Yitzhak? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))
(How many of you are now picturing Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp as Yitzhak? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We
were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our
video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with
your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js
))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that
get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Was anyone else aware that Harvey Fierstein
and Sandra Bernhard share a birthday? Because
We , regrettably, were not. There had
BETTER be cake…
Someone is stressing you out today (Wait,
wait, wait…that would imply that there’s also someone who’s NOT stressing Us
out…)
— possibly so much that you need to start a
fight. (Which would reduce the stress
how exactly?)
Try to avoid any serious dust-ups, but it’s
okay if you bare your fangs a bit. (Hence the expression “grin and bare it”.)
Show them you mean business! (Can We show them We mean show business? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Ethel Merman. (Which you might think would mean We were in
drag, but they didn’t call her “Ethel MerMAN” for nothing.)))
(The depths, the layers…the humor in here is
like peeling a fucking ONION, fercrissakes!)
It
won’t be a boring day. (And yet, you’re still talking.)
Startling, for sure — shocking, maybe. (Spelunking?)
But definitely not boring, humdrum or
run-of-the-mill. (How ‘bout tedious, monotonous, or ennui-inducing? (we have a thesaurus too. Bitch.))
Your
first surprise (SURPRISE!)
will likely arrive via either a coworker or
someone else you see on a daily basis. (Well, there’s always Our mailman. (Did We mention that We have The Hawttest
Mailman In The Known Universe? Because
We DO.))
Either way, they won’t be acting even
remotely close to the way they usually do. (So the mailman will finally break
Our door down and have his way with Us?
Somebody bring a camcorder…)
Of
course, you being you, (As if We had a choice.
Mainly because, who the hell ELSE could do it?)
you’ll enjoy the change (We’ll enjoy folding
money better. Just sayin’.)
— and encourage it. (Don’t worry, little
change…someday, you’ll grow up to be dollar bills. Maybe even twenties, fifties, and hundreds.)
(Howzzat?)
Hey, it’s your job to be a sparkplug. (NOW you tell Us. After We’ve spent all this time being a
tailpipe.)
(Like an ONION, We tell you.)
Might as well have fun with it. (Well, if We have to.)
Take it easy. (Easy, sleazy, beautiful cover
squirrel.)
A little rest and relaxation, and maybe some
deeper reflection instead of instant romantic action, is the way for you right
now. (Also, random retarded Rastafarians…how
the hell many more R-words Kenya cram into that sentence?)
Just wait; tomorrow is a better day to take
the initiative. (Tomorrow is also, oddly enough, a much better day to procrastinate.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
